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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend wants space

177 replies

Spaceyspacey · 30/04/2020 16:01

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 01/05/2020 11:16

@thesunwillout

That’s exactly it. Her birthday is today and I wish her the best but I don’t think I’ll text as it’ll play out exactly like you describe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 01/05/2020 12:49

I just want to say thanks to everyone who offered up their helpful thoughts, experience and kind and useful words. I spent all of yesterday thinking about this and neglected my work as a result. I'm in the middle of a crazy day's work today trying to play catch-up, as a result.

So, I really do need to let this go now. I'm not sure how to as it's on my mind the whole time but I'm going to bring my life back to normalcy and work hard to move on from it, as I know it won't just happen by itself.

Good luck to you all at this tough time in history.

Thanks Mumsnetters. You are stars. Star Star Star

OP posts:
incognitomum · 01/05/2020 17:26

@Spaceyspacey hope you can let it go and just relax about it.

Most of us have moved on from friendships. I've done so a few times. But I cherish the friends I have.

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 01/05/2020 18:24

Thank you. I agree. The most important thing is cherishing and nourishing our existing friendships. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 01/05/2020 20:59

... & I did wish her a happy birthday!

OP posts:
swingyourpants79 · 01/05/2020 21:40

A similar thing has just happened to me, it's devastating, but we at least get to see people's true colours xx

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 02/05/2020 09:28

Thanks @swingyourpants79 and sorry to hear you’re going through something similar. It’s very difficult.

I’ve been reflecting on it a lot. I wish she told me why she doesn’t want me to contact her so I could work on that but either way, I’ll try to learn from it. Flowers

OP posts:
BunnytheHoneyBee · 02/05/2020 21:01

Good for you OP

I hope it works out

incognitomum · 03/05/2020 08:11

Did she reply to birthday message?

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 11:18

Nope!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 11:21

I’ve been reflecting on it a lot and I have a clearer picture of what happened now. What’s really killing me is how I thought we had talked it out & resolved it that day and now I’m shut out without explanation. She wrote something on Facebook about how she’s making a huge effort to contact people who she hasn’t been in touch with! I feel all her other friends will benefit from my honest (& I know difficult to hear) feedback & meanwhile our friendship dies.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2020 11:38

The way she is acting says more about her than it does about you. Her behaviour is not adult. You otoh were authentic. I know that is small consolation for you as she has shot the messenger.

I’ve had more than my fair share of narcissists in my life. This sort of behaviour reminds me of the scene in schindlers list, where the female architect shouts for work to stop, protesting the building will collapse. The camp leader then orders her shot dead and for the surviving prisoners to do as she instructed. He justified this action with insubordination being unacceptable.

Idk if this helps. What I’m saying is that you’re no longer this woman’s prisoner and no longer expected to hear or her wife’s regular complaints. She quite possibly saw you in the role as her counsellor rather than her equal and by highlighting you have needs, she has decided perhaps you’re more trouble than you’re worth. You won’t be the first or last person to have been cast aside.

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 13:20

Thanks you @Mummyoflittledragon

You’ve pretty much nailed it with the counsellor thing and I guess I need to make sure I don’t let that happen in future friendships.Flowers

OP posts:
incognitomum · 03/05/2020 17:13

Good riddance to bad rubbish the ignorant cow.

BunnytheBee · 03/05/2020 19:32

She wrote something on Facebook about how she’s making a huge effort to contact people who she hasn’t been in touch with!

Was that supposed to be a dig at you? She would know you’d see it so it’s a weird thing to post.

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 20:44

Yeah I thought it was either a dig or a sign that she's learned from our discussion (or both). She also put up photos of birthday gifts from friends and gushed about them...she also responded to every single message on FB immediately and it's usually a week later...and meanwhile radio silence to me.

I know the next step is not checking her account but I'm still friends with her on FB and I'm early in the grieving process, so I won't be removing her or doing anything like that yet.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 03/05/2020 20:48

Oh bloody delete her.

BunnytheBee · 03/05/2020 20:49

Could you unfollow her so you are still friends but don’t see her posts? It will probably just upset you. I think it was all a dig at you but then she shouldn’t have done it.

Would she remove you on Facebook? If so it might feel better to take charge but only if you feel up to it.

I’m sorry she’s treated you this way. You should be able to be honest with someone if they are a real friend.

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 21:41

Thanks. I think I'll unfollow her all right. It's not healthy to be checking.

I've been going over everything in my head again and again. I'm keeping busy but whenever I stop, it's all I can think about!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 03/05/2020 21:47

It doesn’t sound a healthy friendship. I’d just delete her and stop letting her pull your strings/play her games.

BunnytheBee · 03/05/2020 21:47

Why is it on your mind so much? I can be like this but usually there is a reason. Is it simply that you’re upset about the friendship or is it a bit more. Do you regret saying what you did? You should to try to find some closure in the fact that you were honest with her and if she isn’t a good enough friend to take that on board then that isn’t on you.

Russellbrandshair · 03/05/2020 21:48

yeah it’s all on her terms. She’d be crushed if I asked her for space and I wouldn’t do that. She is a lovely person but she is self-absorbed

There you go then! She’s got form for this and her doing this is achieving the exact same goal- you’re now worrying g about HER. I would even bet she did this purposely before her birthday to make you feel awkward. If you text her then she can say you aren’t respecting my space! If you don’t it will be wow, what kind of friend ignores their friends birthday?! Actions speak louder than words. If every time you interact it’s all about her then that’s not really a friendship. Friendship has to be give and take otherwise it’s just parasitic. I think you’re better off without her. She’s getting you to jump through hoops - is it really worth it?

BunnytheBee · 03/05/2020 21:51

Do you have any other good friends OP?

Original poster
Spaceyspacey · 03/05/2020 22:35

Thank you. Jumping through hoops is how it feels.

I think it’s got to me so much because I generally get on with people and don’t like upsetting people and also because she hasn’t told me exactly why she’s angry. We were literally laughing & talking about normal things when I last saw her. We worked through the conflict. So now I’m going over ever detail & wondering what it was that was enough to terminate the friendship for her. We’ve been through a lot. She had two months to let me know if I’d upset her but didn’t ...

I do have other friends but they’re from the group her wife and I are in so I feel I can’t talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:
BunnytheBee · 03/05/2020 22:58

The thing is you mentioned those things because they were bothering you and you had a right to say it. PPs are probably right that the reason it’s ended the friendship for her is because she expects things to be on her terms and you’ve said something so she wants to make a point or maybe just doesn’t care enough about you as a friend to take on board what you’ve said. There would be no point her saying anything to you as she didn’t intend to address what you’d said. She just didn’t like that you said it. She sounds quite self centred.