Friend wants space

[Spaceyspacey]

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

The thing is I’m just so sad over it and it’s affecting me a lot!

She had said everything was fine when I left her (I asked directly repeatedly) ...

And you did exactly the same to her.

You've had "issues" with her behaviour for years and years and had to be "pushed" into telling her what was wrong - so your own behaviour towards her obviously gave away that you had a problem with her, as she knew something was wrong.

Do you realise how horrible it is to know by someone's passive aggressive behaviour that something is wrong, but to have them deny it?

Poor woman probably thought she was going crazy.

It was just a long, frank conversation where I explained what had been bothering me for years.

Years. You've bombarded her with a catalogue of years of what she's done to bother you.

She must have been stunned, totally blindsided, and felt like you'd character assassinated her. You've had years to reflect on all this, and now you're whining because she wants space.

Perhaps now she's had a chance to think properly, she realises what a toxic friendship it was.

Give her the space she's requested. I suspect you won't be hearing from her again.

If you don't send birthday greetings then the friendship is effectively over. It's not asking for contact, it's just acknowledging that it's her birthday.
But if you don't want to be friends then by all means ignore her birthday.

I've been there for a friend through 2 serious illnesses. Throughout slagged off a friend who I am only acquaintance with (after a disagreement many moons ago - all in now civil). Our boys are friends and drifted apart when changed schools. She became horrible and next thing she's best friends with the person she slags off to everyone else! I feel she just used me as a friend to offload to and to try and guarantee a friend for her son at their new school as they were never great friend before.
So, in short, maybe you've invested more in this friendship than she has. If she's not interested in maintaining the friendship now and has flounced off after a blip, she wasn't as good a friend as you thought.
Obviously as adults people fall out, but usually there is an undercurrent of both wanting things to get back to normal. If this isn't the case then is it time to let her go?

Perhaps your friendship has come to a natural end. You've shared things that were likely difficult for her to hear and now shes acting in a way which is hurtful to you.

Hope you are ok. Friendships ending especially in current circumstances is always hard.

You've bombarded her with a catalogue of years of what she's done to bother you.

She must have been stunned, totally blindsided, and felt like you'd character assassinated her.

That. I can't begin to imagine how that felt. You seem to entirely lack empathy, OP. Seriously, everything she thought about your friendship suddenly had a bomb dropped into it. Everything she thought she knew turned out to have been wrong, and to find out that for YEARS you'd been feeling that way about her, would have been agonisng.

Leave her alone. Seriously. She's feeling absolutely shit right now, and it's not something you'll be able to come back from.

She had said everything was fine when I left her (I asked directly repeatedly)

And you did exactly the same to her

No I didn’t . As soon as she asked me, I came clean.

Do you realise how horrible it is to know by someone's passive aggressive behaviour that something is wrong, but to have them deny it?

I never denied anything. She said I seemed distant in texts and I said yeah and then she pushed me for exactly why. I never denied anything.

Perhaps now she's had a chance to think properly, she realises what a toxic friendship it was

Wow! It wasn’t a toxic friendship. I was just hurt by feeling ignored & dismissed. There’s more detail I could give to make my case but convincing you is not my job. Would you mind not posting again? You’re not helping me at all.

I think people are being pretty unfair on you here and you did the right thing by telling her and waiting a while. They are small things that built up and no one wants to be picking people up on small things constantly and I'm sure you were conscious of pushing an already at-times-distant friend away further. What the poster said about she is an out of mind out of sight person is true I suspect. She drew you in to expect more from her by being intense and intimate when together making you feel like you were a priority to her but it has not been reflected for a large part of your friendship and I would struggle with that too. I think you might need to accept that this friendship is naturally going to fade out now and you will find a happier more two way friendship elsewhere. She is taking up too much of your thoughts and energy and frustratingly I think you will not be taking up much of hers as she doesn't sound like she values friends that much. Maybe she will learn a lesson from your silence and seek you out but I think you need to accept the end and move on

Thanks @Cactuslove and @biscuitcakes

You seem to get what’s happened. Some of the comments on her are making assumptions about me. I was there for her through a lot and I was extremely empathetic all the time. Surely it’s ok to feel hurt by someone not texting back for days and always making out like they’re problems are worse than everyone else’s. I won’t buy in to some of what people have written here because I know the reality. I’m not the first friend she has had big issues with and she has often alluded to friendships that seem to have ‘drifted.’ I’d say really those friends got tired of being ignored.

Anyhow, I’m surprised at how angry people have got with me on this thread. I didn’t bombard her with a catalogue as someone said. She really wanted to know so I told her. Before that, i had been thinking that the only natural thing was to move on from her, to ‘drift’ like the others but we’re so close that she wouldn’t let that happen.

I’m only human. Please go easy .

She sounds more like an acquaintance that you were friendly with than a proper friend.
Personally I wouldn't waste any more mental energy on this and draw a line under it.
I think the ball is truly in her court. You are giving her space but how much space are you to give. Get in touch now and she could say it's too soon and you broke the agreement, leave it s while and shell say you werent in touch and couldnt be bothered.
Who needs those sort of mind games?
Let it go.

Thank you so much @Extrovertsanonymous

That’s exactly it. I didn’t want to be picking but it felt like death by a thousand cuts. When we were in each other’s company, she would make promises and quasi plans and made me feel like I was her best friend. I think maybe what I’m really mourning is that the friendship is over for me.

I forgot to mention another detail.

@notacooldad

Exactly. I know if I don’t acknowledge her birthday she’ll say ‘and you didn’t even text me on my birthday’ but if I do, it may open up communication - or not & either way I’ll feel extremely hurt. I might need to draw a line.

Anyone have any idea how to do that? This honestly feels like a mini-bereavement. I’m so upset.

How would you have felt if she'd suddenly told you everything she didn't like about you though, OP? It's not like you just told her one thing. You let go of everything. Would you really be able to carry on with the friendship as normal if you'd had to listen to those criticisms about yourself from her?

She did criticise me in our ‘discussion.’ It wasn’t personal and nasty. I didn’t criticise her to be honest. I said how I felt ignored and dismissed and that it hurt my heart. I never once said ‘you’re a XYZ’ or anything like that. I’m emotionally intelligent and I know it was hard for her to hear. It told her because I thought it was either that or let the friendship end.

I didn’t mention another fairly crucial detail. She is married to a woman and that woman is my childhood friend. So I’m close to both of them and every single time I see either of them they give out about the other and they have often argued in front of me. So it’s doubly hard to be the confidante etc and then to be just dismissed and ignored when I reach out which they both do.

I think you will adjust for life without her easier than you think you will. Also it sounds like it's going to be quite a mutual split as you aren't happy with her behaviour, she's not willing to accept acknowledge or change so you've both made decisions that lead to the friendship ending and I think that will make it easier to reflect back on. I had a friendship breakup two years ago after putting up with repetitive difficult behaviour that showed no signs of changing and I can feel quite confident she is still the same, and will remain the same and because of that I know that i don't ever regret it and she's made no efforts to contact me so also doesn't regret it. I miss her a bit like you might an old boyfriend who you don't want to be with but my life is better and my friendships more fulfilling

@Extrovertsanonymous

That’s good you moved on. It’s tricky because her wife is part of a wider circle that I’m in. I’ll see them at social events. It’s inevitable. Maybe I sadly need a clean break from both of them which breaks my heart.

Also don't say happy birthday if you think you will be able to accept the end of the friendship. I personally wouldn't want to feel another rejection as the marker of the end point. There's a Greta quote about how we feel about something in the past is very based upon how we felt at the end of it.. I think you'll feel more comfortable with the ball being in your court and you having some pride left

Oh that is tricky... my friend was part of my social circle too and she cut herself off completely afterwards which was sad and I did feel sorry for her but also very convenient for me and made me think did our group not suit her either (big drinking problems and mood swings to go with and we were much more mellow and chilled)

@Extrovertsanonymous

Thanks. I’ve already been told she wants space. I’ve already said I’ll honour that so I’ve decided not to contact her on her birthday. At least that much is clear.

I just feel so used.

Do I tell everyone in the group what happened? No-one wants to get involved in other people’s messes! Maybe I’ll just mention we fell out with minimal detail & leave it at that. Or maybe nothing at all. Time will tell but I’m struggling as I’m so upset. I thought our friendship was stronger.

Sorry I meant ball in her court*

It's natural to feel angry at this point but that will soon fade when you realise how much mental space you have once she is no longer a feature in your life. You will feel a great relief eventually..

Friendships aren't perfect. You take her as she is or you don't. I have a friend who I adore but she has flaws. She never buys me a birthday card or present even though I do for her all the time. It's always down to me to make arrangements to meet. But I love her like a sister because she's always been there for me and is my biggest cheerleader.

I would be beyond pissed if you character assassinated me like that.

You don't like someone then fuck off. If you care about her send her a card. If you don't, don't.

Also you might want to spend some time getting over yourself.

I struggle with keeping things in with my closest friends and am a very transparent person so not telling them would be out of the question for me but it depends on your group dynamic. It sounds like they will all be quite aware of her texting habits and might be worth just saying that's the main reason and not say much else. That will put an end to speculation too and isn't too personal and unlikely to cause offence to her if she finds out