Friend wants space

[Spaceyspacey]

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

I’ve been through a similar thing with my best friend since childhood.

She’s cut off pretty much every friend she’s ever had because at some point or other they’ve done something to offend her but I never thought it would happen to me as we’d been so much together and were so close. The only friends she has left she has made in the last two years.

It’s interesting because she feels incredibly entitled to her opinion on everything and everyone but when I gently pointed out that maybe there was an error in some of her thinking she completely flipped and seeing her since was like talking to a stranger.

It still hurts two years on. But truthfully, I don’t need that in my life and I feel like if she is unable to change at all she will never be happy which is the saddest part of all.

you’ve said something so she wants to make a point or maybe just doesn’t care enough about you as a friend to take on board what you’ve said

Yup!

It still hurts two years on

I’m not surprised. Sorry to hear you’ve been through that. Pretty devastating.

Hello. Update: my mate replied to the my birthday text eventually with a simple ‘thank you.’ So, I bit the bullet and rang her. A lot of you were right: she did feel taken aback at hearing so much stuff. So I apologised over and over. She said some pretty crazy stuff which only sunk in afterwards and I’m not sure I even want to be friends anymore. Bit of a mess. I was okay with apologising but she hasn’t apologised at all and I don’t think I can take 100% of the blame here. 🤔

I think you’re better stepping away from all this for a while.

Just read the whole thread. Step away now, for goodness sake; she is not really your friend. The way she is behaving is not the way a friend behaves.

Thanks for the replies. I’m so confused. When we spoke, I apologised over & over. For her side, she said, ‘I’m sorry you felt that way’ but never once took any proper responsibility. She also said ‘I’m sorry you read it that way’. I feel like I’m being gaslit a little by her but bear in mind, she’s been a very good friend to me over the years.

I think a mutual stepping back is probably what’s called for but it pushed me to my lowest point to think of losing them both!

Once again....this woman is letting you know that this friendship is over.
Don’t text or call her again, if you do she might very well report you for harassment. Leave her alone now, she’s done.

Thanks. I don’t think she sees it that way - she still likes me and denied it when I asked if she no longer wanted to be friends. She said she had just wanted space. Anyhow, yes, I’ll give her all the space & myself too. The more space I get, the better it might get, who knows. Right now I feel very sad about it all.

She wants to be your friend but you're not permitted to contact her until she feels sufficiently friendly?

OP, you hit a nerve and she doesn't want to be friends in the way you used to be anymore. She doesn't want to say this as it will make her (in her own eyes) the one at fault. Therefore she's gone with the 'space' fudge. She might allow you to contact her once she's punished you enough for being outspoken (and remember how much you've apologised), but it won't ever be the same.

I'd just try to put her out of my mind if I were you. Be polite in future, but no more than that.

Hope you're OK

Thanks. I did text to ask permission before I rang her too. I am being respectful of her space. I did apologise profusely and explained that I went too far and should not have ever mentioned the past. The whole thing has made me realise how embroiled I was in both of their lives. I didn’t mention any of that but that’s the issue really. I feel like I know too much about them both from the intimate detail they’ve both given me about each other in private.

It’s true - how can she say she wants to be my friend but left me hanging wondering when I’d hear from her, if ever. Even if she does decide she wants to be my friend, I should probably step back. Some of what she said on the phone is too specific to repeat here but I couldn’t actually believe she went there. She managed to link me to things that don’t concern me at all and made it all about her issues.

She sounds very self absorbed. You had to make all the effort and you are allowed no feelings. You are their sounding board. I think step back and don't think about them and you'll probably find your life a lot happier and drama free. Friendships shouldn't be this hard.

Are you sure she hasn’t been trying to drop you for a while? The not replying to texts etc. suggests that’s a possibility. Maybe this is just the excuse she needed.

@LellyMcKelly
She swore that was not the case and implied I was horrible for thinking that.

@Musti
How right you are. I need to hold my head up high and learn from this. Never again will I let someone berate their spouse to me when their spouse is my friend. I have felt like my feelings don’t matter all right. I need a long, long break from her and hopefully in time my friendship with her wife will remain because we’ve been friends since we were 4 years of age! It’d break my heart if that friendship broke.

Hi there. I'm just wondering if any of you who have been in this situation and can offer up any advice.

I've accepted that the friendship is over. I actually want it to be over and I'm more worried now that she'll try to bring it back to life as I don't want that. I've been thinking about it a lot and realised that the issues I had were big enough to really bother me. She said some stuff on the phone that made out like everything is my fault. I can't take that on board. I apologised profusely for saying too much and for things I said but I can't take everything in the whole friendship as my fault and sometimes tells me saying that to her will just make things worse. So, I need to cut ties.

BUT, I really really want to stay friends with her wife (let's call her Claire). We are friends most of our lives and it'd be almost like losing a family member. I was bridesmaid at their wedding and I organised their hen party and everything. I've been trying to keep Claire out it and I haven't discussed it with her which is the right thing to do but how do you think I can navigate all of this? I'm angry at Claire too for offloading so much of their marital problems on to me but I think Claire and I have a much stronger foundation.

I know this is bothering me a lot. Maybe I just have too much time to think because of the lockdown but I'd appreciate any kind or helpful words of wisdom or advice.

Even when something was about me, she’d make it about her. I became worn out but the thing that hurt me the most was feeling so unimportant that she’d wait up to a week to reply to a message or just drop off mid conversation. She has no children & spends a lot of time on her own self-care so it’s hard to take in that context.

But you chose to have it out with her and air your long harboured grievances against her. She asked for space. You've not given her that as by insisting on contacting her fir her birthday was you being all about you. You're accusing her of things that are actually what you do yourself?!

You felt hurt.. you felt she could reply sooner.. yada yada it's all you you you!

The fact she's got no children is neither here nor there. It's a lifestyle choice and it doesn't mean she's got more time for "self-care" than anyone else. Your assumptions are awful. I'm not surprised she wanted out. It sounds like hard work being your friend based on what you've said here.

Thanks moonset. That's very kind and helpful!

Did you say that Claire was part of a wider social group? Do you have a group chat for those friends? Can you just drop a check-in message to see how everyone is doing with lockdown?

Honestly, just step back from her wife but don’t make it a big thing.

I didn't 'insist' on contacting her for her birthday as you say. I agonised over whether I should or not but in the end, I did the kind thing as so many PPs here recommended and she told me on the phone that she would have been hurt if I hadn't texted for her birthday. I actually did it for her, not me. I thought if I didn't that'd be selfish.

You're not answering the question anyway! You're picking up on an old post. I'm not even asking about her. I'm asking about her wife. I'd be quite happy if you chose to put her efforts in to someone else's thread instead of mine. Best wishes to you.

*your efforts

Claire is part of a wider social group, yes but she's not in any whatsapp groups, so any communication I make will need to be direct. I'm just conscious she's likely only heard her wife's side of the story and I don't want to get further caught up in their mess by going there with her.

The fact she's got no children is neither here nor there. It's a lifestyle choice and it doesn't mean she's got more time for "self-care" than anyone else And you get to be the one that decides if this is true or not? I had infinitely more time for self-care before I had children! Children suck up a serious amount of time, everyone knows that! But you seem to be the authority on this!

Just because YOU (all about you isn't it) had more time for "self-care" pre-children doesn't mean that anyone else without children has the same. I don't think you can see yourself objectively and although you started a thread asking for opinions, it seems you only want ones that you agree with. Good luck with "Claire", I think you're going to need it.

@moonset
What a horrible horrible person you must be. Please don't comment on my thread again as I've already asked!

I'm happy to take opinions that are different to mine. some of them have actually helped a lot. it's the aggressive accusations that don't help based on half facts. i wonder about people like you

I don't think you can see yourself objectively
what a hilarious sentence.

No-one can see themselves objectively. It's an impossibility!