Friend wants space

[Spaceyspacey]

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

It sounds like some space wouldn’t hurt for you too. Try and let it go. If it’s going to work out it will. Leave it up to her to come back to you, and see how you feel.

take ages to reply but then seem to expect immediate responses!

That’s exactly what she’s like! She expects immediate responses from me but I’m supposed to be cool with waiting a week! Our conversation could’ve been so easy if she just said ‘yeah sorry I can be slow’ and given a reason but she took no responsibility whatsoever, told me everything was cool and is now cutting me off. That’s what hurts.

@Honeyroar

Yeah you’re right. It reminds me a little of being dumped by a guy you secretly wanted to dump but still being hurt when it happened!

I’ve been obsessing over every detail night and day, so perhaps now it’s time to let it go.

I’d let it go. Wait for her to make the next move.
She sounds hard work and self absorbed.

You have to do what you feel is right and if you think the right thing is not to text then don’t. If you force yourself to then you could resent it especially if she doesn’t respond or if you don’t later make up or if it is in some way thrown back at you.

@LonelyInLockdown (great username. It’s tough all right) & @BunnytheHoneyBee

Thanks to you both. Yeah I’m still processing the text, so I’m not ready to write a ‘happy birthday my text for the sake of it. I think it’s better to honour her request as I told her I would.

There was more written in the text but I won’t write it here but it was written in very emotionally deceptive language, so it’s taking me a while to come to grips with it.

I never thought this would happen but it just goes to show that you never really know what’ll happen with people. I just hope I learn from this.

You should message her on her Birthday. If you decide not to then forget any type of friendship with her in the future.

To be honest I think you are a but unreasonable if your main issue is that she's takes a week to respond to a text message. I can't see any problem with that. I really don't like this pressure that everyone had to respond instantly to all contact, it's really unhealthy. Maybe she just needs time to herself where she doesn't want to text or call friends. That's ok. She might take a week to respond, it's only a week that's no time! Just because she hasn't got children doesn't mean she has to be at your back and call every minute of every day.

I've just reread one of your later posts where you clarify that she takes ages to respond then doesn't like it if you do the same/don't respond immediately. Well I revise what I said earlier then she can't have her cake and eat it!

And I would really try to get away from these friendships where there are these expectations that you have to be available immediately. It's not reasonable or healthy.

Well there was a text right before this whole thing where I wrote something personal & upsetting that happened recently. She has sent me many such messages & I always respond. She has given out to me about others who haven’t to her & I always secretly wondered if she looked at herself.

I was so hurt that she didn’t respond. She sent a generic response days later and didn’t reference what I’d written. That’s what started this whole thing because for me that was the straw that broke the camel’s back: one rule for her & another for me.

No matter how ‘right’ I feel, it still hurts. I know I could’ve gone about this better but I’m only human. I’ve never had a friend cut me out like this before. I still feel in shock.

Someone wrote that she might feel like it’s not the friendship she thought it was. That’s exactly how I feel! I really thought we could get past this & work through it & work it out after the 2 month break.

I feel like she’s just prioritising herself as always. Meanwhile this is affecting my work & my family. I feel terrible.

I bet it's affecting her too. She's the one who's been told she's crap. Do you really think she's less affected by this than you? You were the one who took control of the situation. She 'just' had to listen to you list the ways in which you've thought she's crap. For years.

I bet anything that she feels more terrible than you.

I don't know how you've managed to turn yourself into the victim here.

I'd text a breezy happy birthday and leave it there.
You've said your bit, if she wants to stay friends let her come to you.

I don’t think I made it clear enough in the OP what happened. I never told her she’s crap for years. I was upset about her completely ignoring my most recent text and I told her. She acted like it was no big deal so I told her that it was an ongoing thing.

I actually feel like she’s turned herself in to the victim and that’s the big problem. She could’ve just said she was sorry about that text and it wouldn’t have escalated but she couldn’t admit to anything. That’s the kind of thing that’d really upset her too, so it’s a bit rich. I never said I was a victim but I have been cast aside by being honest and I am extremely upset over that.

I wish people wouldn’t write things without knowing that I’m not making assumptions here! What makes me think she’s ok is that she said she was in her text (she NEVER says she’s ok if she’s not) and her wife told me she’s getting loads done and went in to detail about what she’s doing. So not only did I get a text saying she wants space but she also mentioned that she’s in good form and getting loads done. Who on earth wouldn’t be upset by that?

My work and family life are suffering over this.

It was just a long, frank conversation where I explained what had been bothering me for years

So a long conversation where she had to listen to you listing her faults.

She's not turned herself into a victim. She was the victim.
You say you're empathetic, but you're still not getting it.

Who on earth wouldn’t be upset by that?

She would be more justified in using that phrase, frankly. Why are you so upset that she's (apparently) getting things done? Maybe she's so upset that she's throwing herself into her work. It's not like her wife is going to let you know you've got to her, anyway.

She would be more justified ? For Pete’s sake, can’t we both be ? And btw, her wife would tell me. We’re childhood friends & I can read her like a book. You have no idea!

Why is ‘attack the OP’ such an easy route for so many people on here? In other areas of MN people are so much nicer. Why go to the effort of replying just to kick me when I’m down? I’m on a longtime user in kids’ threads but I name changed for this because it’s very personal but I’ve never once sent a response unless it’s kind or helpful. People are much kinder in those threads too.

Thanks to those who were helpful here & those who weren’t ask yourself why you feel the need to do that to a stranger.

So a long conversation where she had to listen to you listing her faults

I didn’t list her faults ! She spoke too & wasn’t Just listening. I spoke about my feelings, not her faults when asked!I think that’s ok! Would you mind vacating my thread because you clearly haven’t read it all and don’t get it.

Your feelings seem quite complicated, but it sounds like you do care about her and the friendship. I wouldn’t actively pursue it after she’s told you she wants ‘space’, but I would acknowledge her birthday. And then keep a distance and see what evolves.

OP I think people are probably fixing on your 'telling her like it is' bit because this is (to me anyway) quite unusual in friendships. I think the whole set-up, where you are friends with both and end up in the middle of their arguments, has been unsustainable. You have ended up as the vessel into which everyone else pours and you are exhausted and it's all a bit intense. Now they've decided (I think they as you mention the wife texted you to say your friend is busy, but I'm not sure about that) you aren't needed any more. They are not terribly stable and their lack of stability spilled onto you. You are devastated by this- I honestly think they haven't put you first in this and are mainly preoccupied with themselves. This is a hard lesson to learn.

I think being upset, devastated, losing sleep etc, is more akin to a relationship than a friendship- at least, I don't like my friendships this honest or this intense.

You can't get your friend to act differently now, it's been a couple of months, she doesn't want to engage in supporting you/same friendship as before, I don't think. That intense time in your life is passed and you are sad about it which is natural, but I also think it could be good for you to reset your friendships anyway, as it was always going to be you that was the loser in this situation (as there's two of them and despite their faults and using you to offload, they are acting as a pair). This is hard, but will pass and might give you a bit more room for less intense and possibly a bit usey friendships (you were their audience).

The issues were basically that she would take days to respond to text messages from me & I always felt like everything was on her terms.

That's me to a tee. I don't respond for days/weeks. What nobody knows and I'm not willing to discuss even with my closest friends is that every text I receive takes away my energy. I suffer with chronic depression, several health problems and severe ptsd but hide it away because I can't stand questions about myself. The few times I have opened up people wanted to know bloody everything even when I asked them to stop and they carried on for years. It's draining, they don't get it anyway so I have to correct their assumptions and it makes me feel much worse. I've always come to regret opening up. I'm not telling anybody what I'm going through and never will again (except my lovely therapist who understands boundaries).

This is my coping method. I do like my friends and genuinly want to know how they are but it takes me several days to get in a mindset where I can text or call them, have some blahblah not important info at the ready about myself and a strategy to keep real questions away and enough questions for them to keep them talking. One friend did once tell me that it was so nice to speak with me but that I always enquired more about her than she did about me. So she's on to me but thankfully any question about her kids has her off on a long monologue so that helps

I get you OP. She uses you to offload about her relationship and other issues, but when you need support she doesn't acknowledge that at all. At the same time, if you sent a generic text a week after she sent an emotional message indicating that she needed support, she would be hurt and offended.
I think you were right to tell her and yes, she has managed to make herself into the wronged party here - no recognition of why you were pissed off in the first place.
I think this is done. Sadly I think you will also lose her wife as your friend, since most couples stick together even when they constantly bitch about each other. Probably that's how it's meant to be. I think they are likely no great loss in the long run.

Not all friendships are meant to last forever. It's all very well her saying you were like a sister but it's easy to say - what matters is how people behave.

If I'd been told 'I need some space'
I'd not bother with a text of Happy Birthday.
By this stage, with the 2 month lack of contact on top, I'd probably want to step back.
If you send a text and get no reply, how will you feel.
If you send a text and get a thanks you're sort of stuck back in the loop and would then have to wonder when any contact would happen again.
Plus who's turn was it.

Neither of you are close anymore really.
Been there op.
It's sad.

@Nearlyalmost50

Thank you very much. I agree with all you’ve written & I do need to learn from this.

@walkingchuckydoll

I understand your perspective. It makes a lot of sense. My friend has a completely different personality to yours as I’ve written before. She gives me immense detail about her emotions, life etc and I’m actually more like you in that I find it next to impossible to talk about myself.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Thank you. Wise words & you’re unfortunately probably right. Losing her wife will be horrendous as her wife is very popular in our group (but I’m well liked too so I guess I just need to be civil when I see them & swallow the harsh lessons).