Friend wants space

[Spaceyspacey]

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

Honestly ignore the person intent on digging at you. Doesn't deserve a reply

God how exhausting.

I'd just be polite when you see her in company.

You will hopefully soon realise she wasn't such a good friend.

Thank you very much @Extrovertsanonymous

The group isn’t close with her but is with her wife because Her wife and I and the others all grew up together. Her wife and her have constant issues with each other. I’ve suggested counselling but I just hope I don’t lose the friendship with her wife over this. I might need to say that I no longer want to hear all their issues, especially if I’m no longer friends with her. It could be difficult.

This sucks but what I need go learn is to be less of a doormat and more assertive in friendships from now on.

I'd just be polite when you see her in company

You will hopefully soon realise she wasn't such a good friend

Yeah you’re right. That’s what I’ll do. I’m always pleasant to people no matter what so that won’t change now.

Some of your post describing her responses resonate with me, so I’m going to try and give some ideas on why she might have reacted in the way she did

I’m not condoning in any way the things she did that you resented, like not replying to texts.

“I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again”

I struggle to say what I feel and want, and when this happens to me I feel a strong urge to make everything ok, make myself invisible, so I say “yes, it’s fine, we’re fine”. Then I go away and process which can take me several days, weeks, a long time, partly because I don’t really know how to experience my emotions and I kind of shut down. The easiest thing I have learnt to say is “I need space” as I am scared of confrontation and conflict.

I don’t know anything else about your friend, and you might think she doesn’t have any of those traits describe myself as having, but neither do many people who I meet, as I keep these feelings very well hidden

I wouldn't air dirty laundry or even mentjon it in any group setting. It's between you and her and not fair to involve anyone else. It won't help I don't think,

I think send a happy birthday text. It's less personal then a card and more personal than a fb wall post if that makes sense.

Just keep it simple. See what happens after.

It could be she's dealing with something, it could be she couldn't handle the home truths and was hurt herself. Sometimes these thoughts come after an event hence her not saying at the time.

Plus you say you've never had an argument with her before so you can't say what's she is like in this situation. It might be perfectly normal for her to take time out after a deep heavy chat where she's being told what's not so great about her.

Just keep it simple is my advice and try not to overthink it.

Oh yes, I’m used to be terrible at replying to texts or returning calls. I have trained myself to do it now but it still sometimes catches me second guessing what I think the motive or subtext is, or what is the appropriate response. This is all coming from a place of anxiety and low self esteem for me, could she have any of those issues do you think, and has masked them?

It might be perfectly normal for her to take time out after a deep heavy chat where she's being told what's not so great about her

I think after two months it's fair to assume she doesn't want space she just doesn't want you anymore. And to be fair, you don't sound like you really want to be her either.

Send a simple “happy birthday, enjoy your day” text.

Sending a birthday message isn’t going to resolve the issue unless your friend is willing to change. I had this with a good friend, we just ended messaging each other briefly on our birthdays and that was all.

My friend was like your friend. Told me due to her illness that we should be Facebook friends but then after I complied with her wish, she put me on restricted access. I felt like you, everything was on her terms and I wasn’t that important.

Your feelings matter and restarting this friendship might mean it will carry on in the same way. Do you want that? I didn’t want to resume the friendship unless my friend changed otherwise it will be the same dynamics. I’m concentrating on other friends, people who value my friendship.

I'd send the text. Leaves the door open for at least a civil relationship in future.

It all sounds incredibly intense and angsty. I wouldn't have got myself in the mutual confidante position - that was never going to end well.

She cast you aside before, you spoke to her about it and then she needs space and ignores you again! She doesn’t sound like a great friend. Some people are just very self-absorbed and one-sided. I think she’s either annoyed that you’ve pointed the finger at her and doesn’t want to be your friend, she knows deep down that she has used you but can be arsed to change or she thinks the silent treatment will have you chasing after her. Either way, I’d leave it as it is and try to make some decent friends, where the friendship is more even.

She has been telling you that she wanted "space" for years, and you were not listening. Friendships have to be on mutually agreed terms. Some friendships are more distant and not lived in each others pockets. You expected immediate attention to everything you said and did. She didn't give it to you. Instead of accepting that was the term and moving on if you didn't like it, you simmered and got angry because she wasn't friends on your terms. Then you eventually took it out on her to the extent that she noticed, and when she tried to explain that your view wasn't hers, you, by your own admission, pushed and pushed her to accept your viewpoint.

After this she gave you a very clear message - she didn't make contact with you for two months. She may as well have hired a skywriter on what that meant. So you contacted her, realised she wanted to distance herself from you so you pushed again! And you call her self-absorbed!

You are so absorbed in your version of what this friendship has to be like that you haven't ever heard what she has been making very clear. You aren't as close to her as you want or need to be. You aren't as important to her as you want to be. That's life. Move on. This is all about you. Not every person will be your bestie. That doesn't mean you can't have a good time with someone from time to time, but you can't expect them to fall over for you when you expect it.

OP I think I understand where you’re coming from

I have a friend who used to take ages to reply eg days or even a week. We’d talk about meeting up and then she’d text the day we’re supposed to meet and go around the houses about where to meet etc and then I feel I’ve got to reply straight away because we agreed to meet the next day. I suggested a traumatic loss last year and she was the same. I got annoyed as we talked about going to a show but when Id text her about it she’d take ages to reply again but I was in a really sensitive time of my life and I needed my friend. I basically ended up texting her saying that I was annoyed because I’m having a tough time and she couldn’t even be bothered to reply to a text message. I thought that would be the end of the friendship and after I sent the message I thought it was too harsh but she replied saying sorry and that she should have been there for me and she’s been better since.

I still have friends like your friend (take ages to reply but then seem to expect immediate responses!) but they’re not close friends and I don’t make effort with people who don’t do the same.

I’m with you in that if they’re a close friend you should be able to tell them how you feel and move forward because the friendship is over anyway if you’re that upset by what they’re doing and can’t say anything.

I’d text your friend and or send a card to wish her a happy birthday but only if you’re prepared not to get a response. In fact send it on the expectation you won’t get a reply.

If you don’t text her it feels like the friendship is over.

I agree with PP who says everything is still on her terms so I’d send a breezy polite happy birthday text that makes clear you don’t expect a reply and not trying to talk soon.

Especially because is the partner of your childhood friend, I would text her. As carly says, it keeps the relationship civil. “Happy birthday, enjoy your day” maybe adding 😊 as just suggested sounds good. Ensure there is no expectation from you of a response.

This sounds hugely intense for a standard friendship. If the main issue was her being slow to reply, then I think you have blown this whole thing out of proportion.

When you say you went 'round and round' what do you mean? Do you mean she didn't agree with you and apologise?

I'm interested in what the dynamic is now with her wife. Are you still in contact with her as normal? Which of them would you have been in contact with more normally?

So basically she is doing exactly what you called her out on doing.

I'm sorry but from what you've described she sounds like she is narcissistic and deliberately being cold at times because that's what those sorts do in order to feel in control. And now she is punishing you for calling her out on it.

The whole making your things all about her is a dead give away. Normal people font go about stealing your thunder or turning everything into to a one upping game.

I think you should give her as much space as she wants. And then some!

Ask yourself. Has she always been there FOR you? Or has she just always been there? Because those two things are very different.

I think your comments to her rang true and she's not comfortable being the "wrong doer" in a relationship. So now she's pushed you into that role and herself into victim.

I think wishing happy birthday depends on if you are happy to pick up the friendship exactly as she left it. On her terms again.

I’ve been your friend in this situation. I couldn’t get hold of her for nearly 3 months, when finally she text me to tell me she ‘had needed space’ from me. When she finally agreed to meet up with me she proceeded to spill out years and years of issues that she had been festering. She said some incredibly hurtful things about me as a person. I was stunned. At the end of the meeting she said we should take some time and then catch up again. She said she felt much better.

After a few days away with some reflection and a lot of tears I realised I could never forgive her for some of the things she had said. They were unjust and the hurt she caused was too great.

What you don’t realise is that these things that may have been festering for years for you are complete news for your friend. You had time to think about what you wanted to say, your friend didn’t and had no warning. Just because you now feel better doesn’t mean she will. I’m not saying you didn’t have a right to raise your upset, but there are ways to do this without hurting another person.

In the end I knew our friendship would never go back to what it was, I was too hurt. We haven’t spoken for nearly 2 years now.

If you want the friendship to continue I would give your friend some space just like you had wanted but let her know you are still there.

Ultimately, I wouldn't want to listen to a load of my faults from a friend. It's just not what friendships are to me, they are a great support but also fun and also a choice, not something we have to do, so I wouldn't want to be told off by a friend. I cut my friends a lot of slack but equally I wouldn't want them to criticise if I was slow to reply. She just doesn't want to be friends any more, there's nothing you can do.

Always very difficult being a friend to someone who's very self-absorbed.
I think you've answered your own question already - i.e. she still wanted space after 2 months.
Don't contact her again birthday or no birthday - it's her turn now but don't hold your breath.

What you don’t realise is that these things that may have been festering for years for you are complete news for your friend. You had time to think about what you wanted to say, your friend didn’t and had no warning. Just because you now feel better doesn’t mean she will. I’m not saying you didn’t have a right to raise your upset, but there are ways to do this without hurting another person.

Yep. I've been on the other end of this too. I didn't have any idea at all that this person had any problems with me, so it was shocking, and took the rug from under my feet, though she was the one who wanted space. From which she never returned. Six months on I made a very careful approach, which was immediately rejected. Three years on and I'm still not really over it, even though it turned out later that she has form for turfing people out of her life.

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate it. I know it’s hard to understand the particulars when all you’re getting are details in this thread.

People have said she sees the friendship as more casual etc. That’s just not true. She told me I’m like a sister and every single time I see her she gives me minute detail of the latest argument with her wife, who was originally my friend. Then her wife does the same but is more measured about it. I know I shouldn’t have allowed this situation to happen but I guess I love them and I was trying to be a friend to them both. They have major marital issues. They’ll happily fight in front of me but not others and I have felt like I’ve been treated badly for a long time. Completely taken for granted.

But I love them both! I really do but the friendships couldn’t possibly be more one-sided & I am sad & hurt.

Her birthday is tomorrow & people keep saying to send a text but I’ve already recently texted her gently asking how things were etc. I was crushed at her response, truly crushed. So why would I make even more effort now? I think I just won’t text her & if it ever comes up, I’ll simply say I was respecting her wishes not to hear from me. I think that’s fair enough & the most sensible thing to do.

I take it very seriously when someone says they want space & it’s the first time it’s ever happened to me with a friend, which is probably why I’m so hurt. I do have a lot of good friends and I know I’m a kind, loyal, reliable friend. I feel I deserve better.

I know there’s her way of looking at it too but looking at things from her perspective is what has got me in to this mess. I was always too concerned with her feelings to say anything.

I just need to somehow heal from this now and learn to be more forthright in future & not to worry so much about saying things. Easier said than done.

P.s. I had no time to think about what I was going to say. She initiated the conversation and if only I had had time to word it perfectly in my head!