Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

I have to say OP, you come across as incredibly smart and assertive in many ways.

I think you've given him a lot to think about and it was good that you mentioned how he would want his daughter's treated and you were very quick of the mark to show him the lovely things you'd done for him.

He needs to step up financially...he needs to realise how very lucky he is to have you after his cheating and it's still you buying stuff for his DDs room/s.

He needs to know that if he slacks off in housework and parenting, you won't hang around.

You should really be getting looked after and having your meals cooked after the c section. Too many people don't take the recuperation after a c section seriously, like they would any other operation.

Take care and don't exert yourself.

I’m just wondering if this guy had a dad who behaved like this, so sees it as acceptable?
Btw how old is he........mid life crisis, I’d also remind him, he’s someone’s son, and how would his mum feel, him behaving so badly.
I do wonder what his ex would really see him in their marriage, as it was

@Nsky he's in his mid thirties.. Doesn't really have a relationship with his dad sees him a few times a year at most.
His mum rang me when she found out he'd cheated, and said she was furious with him and disgusted by his behaviour but asked me to go round and talk to him as she was frightened he was going to do something stupid. I did end up talking to him and taking him back, but she said if he ever did it again to me she would cut him off as she doesnt condone it at all as she went though it once. (not by his dad)
As for his ex wife, they were together for years before I guess she'd had enough. She ended the relationship. Since I've became a mother I can empathise wihh things she's argued with him over, things that you don't consider really until you're a parent yourself, so I do understand the breakdown of thier marriage but I'm being very vocal about him not making the same mistakes with me.

Very wise, I wonder why he could be soo stupid, and yet he’d be livid if you did it to him

she was furious with him and disgusted by his behaviour but asked me to go round and talk to him as she was frightened he was going to do something stupid.

This wasn't your responsibility and she shouldn't have put it on you. It's her son, if she was concerned she should have gone herself.

After he cheated, I'm sure he was the last person you wanted to see.

It sounds like he is unwilling to set boundaries with the Ex or with the children, to your detriment.

At the end of the day OP you're probably right. She may well have an agenda. She's attracted to him / thinks he's sweet / wishes she could find a man like him and hopes she can turn his head. Some women see no ring as a green light - kids or no kids. For your fella, I think it's an ego boost, when someone finds you attractive and gives you attention it's flattering. She might have an agenda and he might be just enjoying some lime light. BUT if you love him, right now in this moment, you have to trust him. Otherwise you will not be happy ever again. You have confronted him and he's given you his answer. Put it to bed in your head, go into work to show them your gorgeous daughter and be a confident, loving partner. Trust me, your inner feelings project on the outside and end up turning your fears into reality. If you're jealous and anxious it will wear you down from the inside out and probably drive him away. You should be glowing in your newborn bubble and radiating love! Don't let this wear you down any more. Get back to enjoying your relationship and love each other and tour children, stop worrying about the person he's not with. Hugs to you.

What a mess. Stop listening to things he tells you he is going to do and only count what he does. Youll see him for what he is then much faster

@Peachy92
Trust me, your inner feelings project on the outside and end up turning your fears into reality.

I actually do believe that. I feel like thoughts become things and manifest into reality if you focus on them none stop. Even though I felt quite blindsided the first time, there'd been signs all along that I chose to ignore thinking I was being ridiculous.. But often I'd have these visualisations of finding out he'd cheated and having to say goodbye to his kids.. And then it happened a month or two later. I don't really want to put those thoughts out to the universe again, it's so hard not to though once you get an inkling your mind goes into overdrive remembering all sorts of stuff that's out of place. I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting up at 2am to write it all down in my diary. My best friend thinks I should take the same approach as you.. She told me to have confidence back, said I was a beautiful mamma and to not direct that negative energy inwards on myself and start concentrating on my flaws etc.. And that I should just focus on being happy and confident and give him a reason not to look in the direction of someone else.
I'm so hot tempered at the minute and I do feel like I'm pushing him away. I'm very snappy. But it's like an internal conflict of wanting to be close to him, and then when I am close to him, thinking he's lying and it all means nothing and I'm wasting my love on him. Talk about a scrambled head. I've decided to go to my mums for a few nights next week as she's on holiday from work. Have some cooling off time.

He cheated on you before, the trust has gone do you really want to spend the your life in doubt and suspicion?

@Rcats1 it's good to get a clear head if you can. Remember your hormones are up and down after a baby for a while they don't just settle after a month. So your emotions are bound to be running high! Me and your bestie are right. It's easy for others to say just end it but at the end of the day you stayed together the first time for a reason and not everything is perfect you have to work at a relationship. So just try and stay positive and don't assume the worst every time. If he didn't want to be with you he wouldn't still be there. Hope you're doing ok 💐

I actually do believe that. I feel like thoughts become things and manifest into reality if you focus on them none stop. Even though I felt quite blindsided the first time, there'd been signs all along that I chose to ignore thinking I was being ridiculous.. But often I'd have these visualisations of finding out he'd cheated and having to say goodbye to his kids.. And then it happened a month or two later.

If you think like this, do you feel partly to blame for his affair? Your thoughts do not change reality. You say you weren't even thinking much about it that time in the past, so do you really think your thoughts affected his behaviour?

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas it's difficult to explain. He says the reason he cheated was because me and his family were at loggerheads with his ex wife. They were going through divorce proceedings and she was dictating to him when he could and couldn't have the kids, even though they had 50/50 custody, she'd threaten him all the time saying he'd never see them again if he drop everything so she could re-arrange her plans and stuff. Like as a girlfriend I was stressed out at some of things she used to shout at him down the phone about. If he'd made plans for the days or nights he didn't have the kids.. And she suddenly wanted to go out.. She'd expect him to change his plans to suit her.. Then if he said no she'd fly off the handle.. So me and his family were constantly like.. "just stick up for yourself, tell her no, stop letting her use the kids as weapons... Bla bla bla" he doesn't like confrontation and hasn't for the 3 years I've been with him so he used to cancel everything in the end and do whatever she asked, he let's her talk to him like shit (I've come to realise now he's never going to man up as he still hasn't and this is still the situation regarding the ex) but at the time I would this really wound me up. So his reasoning with his behaviour was that, me and his family were getting on his back and that he was getting abuse from the ex, so he ran to the girl who wasn't involved in any of it who he could have fun with.

Am I partly to blame for the affair? I don't know. But I thought I was being a good girlfriend in trying to protect him and be there for him. Turns out I was just the idiot who was grinning and bearing his ex wife drama, babysitting his kids whilst he went off and had all the fun with his fancy friend.

Oh.. And when all the signs were there.. That's when I started thinking "what if" and putting all them scenarios in my mind... But I'd shrug them off and think "nah. He won't do that to me."

I just think that this is basically going to be your life with a slightlly shitty, slightly cheaty, slightly not-good-enough-but-not-absolutely-horrible run of the mill blokey knucklehead, and you're going to get to age 60 and be absolutely furious with yourself when you look back on a life of YOU turning yourself inside out to service everyone else, mainly him.

I mean - take this sentence:

They're just constantly downstairs watching tablets or playing on them. I don't know why I even bother buying nice things for thier room or toys.

I mean, you just write that as an aside, but I'm here absolutely open-mouthed at it. WHY are you even thinking that sentence? WHY is that sentiment not HIS to think, HIS problem, HIS efforts buying things for HIS children?

You literally sound like all the shit is on your shoulders - and for someone so worthless!

He says the reason he cheated was because me and his family were at loggerheads with his ex wife

He cheated on you because he had no respect for you, your feelings or your relationship.

Trying to somehow blame you for his behaviour exonerates him - well he had no choice but to put his dick in someone else did he, after all you and his family were so involved in all the drama surrounding his ex wife. What a scumbag.

This latest malarkey sounds like the beginning of an EA which may or may not develop into a full blown sexual thing. He barely knows her, yet they are completely over familiar, kisses on 'I miss you' texts to work colleagues, come on!

You should be absolutely furious. However, he got away with it before so in his mind he probably sees no reason why he won't get away with it again.

Am I partly to blame for the affair? I don't know. But I thought I was being a good girlfriend in trying to protect him and be there for him. Turns out I was just the idiot who was grinning and bearing his ex wife drama, babysitting his kids whilst he went off and had all the fun with his fancy friend.

No you were not even partly to blame. He is 100% to blame. Please remember this.

You are not to blame for his choices!

And this conflict aversion - is an affair going to be a possibility every time there's conflict in your relationship? You'll be afraid to speak your mind if you disagree with him, won't you?

This thread is so sad. You sound lovely OP yet for some reason your self esteem is low enough to be driving yourself insane chasing and trying to corner this prize pig. You might not believe it but you deserve better than this. Put aside whether or not he's cheated again (sorry, but he obviously has) - you don’t need proof of that. The fact that you have to worry about it to this extent means the relationship is dead, whatever the extent of his most recent cheating actually is. He’s using you to keep him afloat financially, bring up his children and generally make his life easier. Apply this test: if he won £10 million on the lottery tomorrow would he live his life sharing and enjoying the win with you or would you not see him for dust now that he can afford to pay actual staff for what you do for free? That’s a pretty good test to think about whether someone actually loves you for you.

It’s just not normal to have to think like you are in a relationship and I’m trying to be kind but honestly to read you talking about how you’re behaving, glaring at the competition and trying desperately to hold on to this prize catch you’ve got there well it’s a bit cringey. You sound like maybe some therapy to sort out your self esteem is needed because honestly you don’t have to settle for this shit show of a ‘relationship’.

He says the reason he cheated was because me and his family were at loggerheads with his ex wife.

This is absolute nonsense. I'm surprised you took him back with this ridiculous excuse.

How exactly was cheating going to help in this scenario? Or was it some twisted revenge in his mind?

You made another comment about not giving him a reason to look elsewhere.... it seems you're taking some responsibility for his cheating....you shouldn't.

What about if you cheated with a man you didn't have to financially subsidise and who actually gave you money...would that be acceptable to him.. because he lacks in that regard.

I mean, wasn't it enough that you were dealing with the baggage of a man with an Ex causing problems and two kids, then on top of that he goes and cheats on you.

It seems that you were more worried about not seeing his kids again, than your actual relationship ending.

@FizzyGreenWater

I just think that this is basically going to be your life with a slightlly shitty, slightly cheaty, slightly not-good-enough-but-not-absolutely-horrible run of the mill blokey knucklehead, and you're going to get to age 60 and be absolutely furious with yourself when you look back on a life of YOU turning yourself inside out to service everyone else, mainly him.

I agree with this 💯 % Great post.

He just won't be as bad as he's been, or he'll hide his antics but not dreadful either.

You're too good for him to lose...not many women want to take on this chap, so he needs to keep you sweet enough not to leave.

You really need to not get so attached to his kids, so you can leave without having them in your thoughts as a reason to stay.

Do you know what it is guys, you're totally right. I have lost my self-confidence. Not all of it, but a lot. I was never like this when I met him, I said earlier I was at my happiest and most confident right at the point of meeting him.. But now I just feel like I've completely lost my identity.
The thing is, the more I explain my situation on here and the more feedback I get from outsiders looking in, the more I realise what an idiot I've been and how much stuff I've let myself put up with. I WANTED to believe that it was a one off and I WANTED to believe that he'd never do it again.. I guess I just went all soft when he cried to me and told me a load of shit I wanted to hear.. Back then if I'm completely honest I wasn't ready for the relationship to be over either.. Instead of just cutting ties and moving on, I took him back but have had to work on my own ever since working through the hurt, remembering all the lies, and feeling so angry.
It's also just the fear of having to start all over again with a baby. I admitted to myself that I wasn't happy in the relationship before I did to him, and it felt wrong.. Like I was so used to making excuses and just pretending all the time. His excuse for cheating was poor and shitty.. I've been very nieve. I appreciate all your comments guys... Like I say I'm going to my mums soon for some cool off time

One thing I've learned from this thread is I've literally allowed myself to put up with so much shit that the majority of women wouldn't put up with and it's not normal behaviour to be accepted within a relationship. I'd been single all of my twenties.. Had situations hips, few flings that didn't go anywhere, then a 1 year relationship where I got my heartbroken.. So when I met this guy I thought all my Christmases had come at once and finally met someone I could just be myself with and actually saw longitivity in the relationship.. Turns out I've just landed myself a dodgy egg. Bah.. Life throws us all these lessons to learn and I just keep learning the hard way

@Rcats1,

Not disagreeing with PP, just will mention that it's extremely common to feel like you've lost your identity when you are a new mother (unless you had been feeling like that before pregnancy). And it's very tiring and hormonal time so soon after birth, my youngest ones were such bad sleepers I felt for many months like I was walking through jelly.
Definitely go to your mum, definitely keep posting and thinking, but I wouldn't be taking any immediate decisions yet.
In any case you'd be connected in some ways forever though your DD...you need to have a cool head to make things as peaceful as possible for your DD's sake and her sisters'. Hugs

I don't really want to put those thoughts out to the universe again

There's no evidence we can make things happen in this way OP, or no-one would die etc. If you daydreamed he did something bad/you split with him, and it happened, that's because on one level you know what he's like (untrustworthy etc) and that unconscious level was trying to get you to pay attention to what it was picking up about his character/behaviour. At the very least it means you feel anxious in the relationship, you don't feel it's secure.

What he did is not your fault because you were 'thinking wrong'- or is it people's fault if they get ill with something not lifestyle-related? (Answer: No it's not.)

Everything he did is on him, and everything you feared was mostly down to how he was acting in some way.