Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

OP go to your mums. Just do it.

Hope your head's feeling better today, OP. I think you need to focus on you and the baby and try to give him and his kids minimal attention. Look after yourself and your LO.

I had another talk with him last night. He put the kids to bed and turned the TV off and asked me to get everything off my chest so I did. I basically told him to his face everything I've said on here and to you guys, all my issues, all my suspicions, told him I feel like Im only in the relationship for his convince and to look after the kids and cook... That he should be doing everything in his power to make me feel secure after what he did the first time, that I'm unhappy, that he needs to make more of an effort, that I can't see a future if it keeps going on the way that it is... And he was full of apologies saying it breaks his heart that he's making me feel like this and he just doesn't think. That he's trying to keep everyone happy, and not cause arguments.. That he will talk to the ex wife reasonably about how I'm feeling as well, and will start listening to me.. He said he understood why I'm doubting him again and if he'd saw a text like that on my phone and if I'd done the same thing, he would be thinking exactly the same thing, but looked me in the eyes and swore down nothing was going on, and that he will never ever hurt me like that again and that he doesn't want our baby growing up in a broken home, that he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives and he'll do everything from now on to make me feel special and valued and stop giving me reasons to doubt him...

He actually got up this morning with the baby and I didn't realise as I was zonked out, let me have a lie in. I've had so much sleep so feel really refreshed today. I came down and all the housework had been done, made me a coffee and breakfast and said he wants me to go have some me time today, like go read a book or do my nails etc and that he'll look after the baby.

Hmmmm.

Give it a couple of months (if that), you’ll kick yourself for ever believing he would change.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Well, it's a start, but he needs to keep it up. Well done for getting it all off your chest.

He could clearly see you weren't happy, so a bit of credit to him for getting you to talk. ...and for acknowledging that he would feel the same, if you had cheated.

The issue with the stepkids is difficult really... no answer to the maintenance etc...but as he's been furloughed...he should let her know he's going to reduce payments, as he us also having them 50/50.

Sometimes other ppls kids are just more irritating than your own.

The other thing he needs to do, is get his finances in order and not fall back on you money any more, after his is spent so quickly.

He needs to know that if you aren't happy, you will leave.

He doesn't want to lose you so he needs to show it in every way.

He’s scared his babysitter, household drudge, money spinner is about to disappear on him leaving him with the responsibility of looking after his own kids and paying child maintenance.

If you do nothing ensure you stop subsidising him. You split bills. When he runs out of money shrug and say I haven’t got any money either, oh dear.
Where his money going?

Start putting your cash away for a rainy day fund, you’re going to need it.

And if you go to your mums take a lot of your nicer stuff with you. Including the tv.

That he's trying to keep everyone happy

Everyone except you.

I doubt very much this new leaf will last.

Don't be blindsided by some empty words and a bit of housework. I mean, it says a lot that you seem taken aback by him doing some cleaning in his own house and looking after his own kid.

it says a lot that you seem taken aback by him doing some cleaning in his own house and looking after his own kid.

Amen.

Well, you needed that sleep and I'm glad you got it and feel better for it.

Keep your eyes open.

No way would I trust him, like a pp said he’s scared of losing his babysitter and cleaner. I give his good behaviour two weeks and once lockdown is lifted he’ll shag her as soon as he can. Like a rat up a drainpipe.

Take care op, you deserve better

Right, so he’s ‘let’ you have a lie in? My DH gets up EVERY morning with our DD. This is not something special, it’s something he should be doing. And it’s unlikely to last isn’t it? It’s because he’s in the dog house so to speak.

Ultimately he has proven in your relationship and his previous relationship he is untrustworthy. Will you ever trust him? Are you happy to spend your life paranoid he’s cheating? If not, get rid!

Stop subsidising him financially OP - you need to save that money for when you leave
Don't wait for the end of lockdown, go to your mums.

It's really sad that what he did yesterday morning seemed impressive, that's what he should be doing every day

Haven't updated in a few days as I'm just up and down constantly with my emotions and thoughts. Babies not sleeping well, I feel trapped in these 4 walls and I'm just praying they'll ease this lockdown soon so we can at least have a little bubble of people we can go see ie our parents, or siblings. I'm itching to get out, so I just keep going for short walks with the baby.

After literally a day and a halfs break from the kids thier back again for another few days but he said they'll go home on Tuesday and we'll get them back on sat... I bet this changes.. It usually does and well end up having them back sooner.

I just feel like it's groundhog day everyday. I get up, drink coffee, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, sit down with the baby, feed, rock, soothe and get her to sleep... Get some washing done then she's awake again, take it in turns to feed/burp her etc but now she will only settle on me and not him.. (think it's the boobs and she likes to be rocked on my shoulder) then if the kids are here, it's just surviving on coffee whilst they scream/fight/blast 3 different devices whilst having something on the TV in the background/constantly asking for food.... I just feel so empty at the minute. Like a zombie just sat in a trance wishing and wishing and wishing I could just get out of this house and go see my family. I honestly can't take weeks more of this.

A lot of us feel fed up and hate groundhog day. I know I am very up and down.

There are a lot of things people have suggested you think about so that you are not wasting this opportunity to reflect on the poor quality of this relationship. Keep thinking. Keep watching.

I'm sure it's the last thing you have energy for but if you can do any reading people have suggested it won't be time wasted, it will further your knowledge and in time, make your choices clearer.

You need a break from those kids! And time alone with DP to sort this out. Is it his house? I would insist they stay away Tues-Sat at least. The law allows people to stay somewhere else to "cool off" so if you're able to do that you should, till Tuesday or on Saturday. You poor girl - this all sounds horrendous. You are doing well. X

@LiteraryType no we moved into this place together and are renting it. I paid the deposit though to actually get us in the house...it was the last of my savings and I was sick of being stuck in a flat. Wanted a nice garden for the kids to play in and a sizeable house so we weren't on top of each other.. But the kids refuse to play in thier room. They're just constantly downstairs watching tablets or playing on them. I don't know why I even bother buying nice things for thier room or toys.

I'm just keeping a close eye on him. He was putting a load of clothes in a basket online today, but said he's not gunna buy them yet. He never buys new clothes. It's usually a once a year thing for him. The last time he was constantly looking at clothes online was before I found out he cheated last time (new grooming and suddenly caring more about his appearance)... I don't want to jump to conclusions. He does need some new threads... But I'm just keeping an eye out... Watching for the signs.

If he can cheat once in you're relationship nothing stopping him doing it again

He actually got up this morning with the baby and I didn't realise as I was zonked out, let me have a lie in

This shouldn't be a rare occurrence, you clearly need the rest if you're feeling like a zombie.

I'm just keeping an eye out. Watching for the signs

Yes, it sounds like he said all the right things (which is easy to do really) but you need to see how he actually acts, especially in terms of cheating/flirting.

Please assert your worth and end it if it happens again.

Well I've told him if he does, he loses everything. And he will have to explain to his children why I've left. I asked him if someone did that to his daughters when they're older, how would that make him feel and he said he'd want to break the blokes necks if they ever hurt one of his children like that in a relationship.. And I said "well I suggest you lead by an example otherwise when they're older, and they find out what you did, they're going to think that's normal behaviour from a boyfriend. Don't be a shit head and cheat. You'll always get caught out in the end. You should be showing them through our relationship, how it's supposed to be, ie be loving, respect each other, do nice things for each other, laugh, be romantic every once in a while, be honest... " gave him a little food for thought.

Thing is, he knows what he should be doing as a partner. He demonstrated that the other day when he let you sleep in etc. He just doesn't care enough to do it. He would rather let you struggle day in, day out.

He's already "lost everything" once with his previous wife. What happened was, he found the next interchangeable woman to look after his kids and pick up after him.

Well then he will lose everything again. I think he knows he wouldn't find another women who would put up with half this shit I have. When I mentioned to him again that every once in a while I'd like him to make an effort to make me feel special, he said he would, but then said "whys it always the men having to make the women feel special, it goes both ways" but said it in like in a jokey way...

Well... I got angry didn't I. I went upstairs and found all the little things I've done over the years to make him feel special and brought them down and plonked them in front of him.. Ie the 3 huge scrapbooks worth of photos and memorable items I'd collected and stuck in and gave him as presents.. The jar filled with little notes I wrote with reasons I love him... The little notes I put in with the lunch I make him up every day before he goes to work... The candlelit meals I cook every once in a while. Then I said "Or how about that I generally cook for you, look after your kids, am loving to you and your kids and I'm a good girlfriend to you. Does all that count as" going both ways"?

He was absolutely clamped and was like.. Fair enough. Think that made him feel proper shit about himself.

Well said, gal!

It sounds like his one day helping you with the kids was just that - one day. Why not get him to agree to a cleaning rota and see is he sticks to it. Why doesn't he discipline his children and get them food. Why is it always you?

I think he knows he wouldn't find another women who would put up with half this shit I have.

I think part of the problem is, you see yourself as a noble martyr / ministering angel, and see your acceptance of drudgery and neglect as virtues. I think some way back, you described yourself as "low maintenance" as if it's a good thing, when it's resulted in you being a doormat and being utterly taken for granted.

You shouldn't have to struggle to be seen. It's not a virtue to let everyone walk over you and continually put yourself last. You shouldn't have to ask for the basics of a relationship.