Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

[SenselessUbiquity]

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

OP drinking alcohol to the extent it makes you fuzzy and not want to be talking to the love of your life isn’t the answer. Especially when you’re missing him so much. It makes no sense.

I’d have prioritised their chat with him if he means that much to you.

Nip the drinking in the bud if you can. It’s a depressant. It will make you worse. It will mess up your head. You’re already upset because he watched a tv programme without you.
It’s really not a big deal so if you think it is perhaps the alcohol is a bigger problem than you think and is messing with your thought processes?

No offence if not.
Sometimes people regularly drink over the recommended limits and because they dont notice any symptoms they think that’s normal and ‘I’ve been doing that for years and I’m fine’. Until they are not.

I agree that texting can be misconstrued. The other things that come to mind from this thread are that as our days are long and dull (mine is filled with all the mundane stuff, working, cooking, cleaning but mainly absent of anything fun), that a call is often the main thing I am looking forward to and if this didn’t happen I would be upset, regardless of why. Also that we’re having to communicate verbally about things that we wouldn’t normally, where a hug or kiss would send the message without words being needed and that may not come easily or comfortably to some. That’s certainly the case with my relationship.

You’re already upset because he watched a tv programme without you.
It’s really not a big deal so if you think it is perhaps the alcohol is a bigger problem than you think and is messing with your thought processes?

Bollocks. Netflix cheating is as good as cheating to me . Well not quite, but when you agree to watch something together to keep your connection alive, watching it before the other one is rude.

DP and I, even pre-corona, will always communicate about which episode we’re on, and slow down if one of us is getting ahead. We’ll often rewatch an episode together so that the other one can catch up. It’s just good Net-iquette!

To be clear I agree with the child custody exception. I just think LAT couples should also be an exception on similar grounds. And as they aren't I wouldn't judge anyone for breaking the rules in this case. I joke that I share custody of DP with his children.

@SenselessUbiquity I know what it’s like to feel too tired and down to talk to DP at night. Sometimes you just know you won’t be good company and you feel like it would be better to just go to bed and talk another time. I’ve done it plenty and my DP doesn’t take offence, he just knows I’m probably feeling down and it will often prompt him to call me the next day to make sure I’m ok.

I think this week is extra hard for everyone, even the ones who have been upbeat and chirpy throughout so far are starting to get annoyed and bored. My DP is a regular Tigger (to my Eeyore!) and even he is fed up this week.

Hang in there, don’t make - or let him make - any rash decisions about things at the moment. Treat it a bit like those early baby days when you both piss each other off but you know you’re not at your best so you just have to soldier on and try to think the best of each other.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationship terms (according to John Gottman) are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Once criticism arrives, the others aren’t far behind. If his instinct is to become defensive whenever you bring anything up, try to understand why. It’s hard to deal with someone like that, and actually it doesn’t matter how ‘soft’ the start-up or whether you phrase it as “when you ... I feel like... ” they will hear it as a criticism regardless.

Maybe spend some of this time reading about relationship counselling ideas. Not because you necessarily need to go, but to prevent you from having to.

I get daily emails from the Gottman Institute that make me take a moment and think about our relationship and how I can improve things. Luckily he’s also pretty introspective these days but it’s taken us a few years to get there!

Thank you everyone.
Yes the drinking is not a good idea - not a regular thing but it was someone's birthday and there were zoom drinks. But in a sense it's still drinking alone and it's not helping me.

Things are better today. I agree we probably need to facetime or something. I don't love it as I associate it with weird uncomfortable work situations but I think I just have to get over that and do it. I will join group calls that other people have set up so I just need to accept that this is a thing we do now.

Criticism - yes, I know it isn't good. One thing that I do not do is say "you did x and it was not good" because I am afraid when he is angry it will lead to him saying "fine, I agree, I'm awful, why do you bother with me, let's call the whole thing off" and I really, really don't want him to say that. It leaves me feeling a bit voiceless as it doesn't seem that there is a way for me to say the thing that is bothering me, but there is - just not when he is angry.

• And it is fully accepted that it is absolutely outrageous that he watched the show without me and he apologised. He was upset and angry and really thought I might never contact him again :( he is insecure and always thinks I am going to disappear. I have no idea why because I love him and he knows it, really, but these are strange times.

sofato5miles - your situation sounds very hard. It is so difficult with added distance in the mix. I briefly dated a widower with kids, but his were teenagers - it is a very different kettle of fish from a person with an ex who shares childcare. If they are small, that's a whole big thing.

Ok everyone I really appreciate being able to come here to talk. thank you.

KOKO

Senseless I have been in a long distance relationship before where skype text chats caused nothing but chaos. It's always a good idea to just talk over Skype or Zoon, and leave the video off if needed. It's amazing how easy it is to misread the tone of a text message, and this interpretation tends to err on the negative side! I hope you feel better about the whole situation.

Texting can be a bit of can nightmare sometimes, especially when people are already a bit fraught. A phonecall or a facetime is always better. I've had a couple of situations in lockdown where i've had to sweat it out and be patient, until we could speak properly, and we've worked things through. we've both been struggling with our moods, him especially earlier on, and it was really hard not being able to do the thing which would make it better - which was a hug. Sometimes talking is hard, and you need to be able to just be honest with each other about that, even though it can feel like a rejection and be upsetting. We've found our way through things a bit, but it's difficult, and I can feel myself very close to cracking. We already 'broke the rules' a bit by sitting outside in my communal space chatting 2m apart for a bit on saturday, and it made such a difference to my mood. shame the weather has taken such a turn for the worse, because it would have been nice to be able to do it again.

For what it's worth, on the criticism, my ex was awful on this. Any time i tried to explain how something made me feel, he would get angry and dismiss my feelings and tell me i was making something out of nothing. he just couldn't hear it, and it broke us eventually. being able to openly talk about problems and how we feel is something i really value in my relationships now. it can be hard to hear it when it's directed at you, but i would rather be honest and be heard when i was upset, than spend years 'letting it go' and pretending i was fine and that 'it was just a small thing, everything is ok really'.

Now is maybe not the time in many ways to really pick apart our relationships, but it does also force us to confront the parts which are not working well, and to think about how we are going to work on them when life is a bit more 'normal'.

An unsatisfactory conversation tonight. He's told me he'll never get married again. And that I've tried to make him see me against the rules. Not true. And that's not what he'd said. It stems from his grown up son living with him for lockdown which has caused a problem as he's against us seeing each other. Writing on the wall...

@mascotte i think everyone is just responding badly to the pressure of covid and with no other distractions, can over think their relationships.

Is his son against seeing you per se, or just in lockdown?

Yes, @sofato5miles, that's me.. and he has other things to do as he's WFH and secure in that and also has adult company. Whereas I'm a bit of a wreck and have really no work and no adult chat. I'm not sure about his son's view in general. He normally lives quite far away and I think hadn't realised his father was serious about me til now, maybe. He's in his thirties. I don't want to be the cause of a rift there either. But I'm thinking it's just exposed our different views of the relationship despite what's been said before. I think like others on here I'll put it on the back burner til this phase is done and see what happens.

Yep, the good old back burner.. Have you met his son?

We really are living in a time will tell phase..

When i met Spanish Pilot, i told him i wanted a slow burn.. be careful what you wish for and all that 🤦‍♀️

It was so easy when i had a life, but now too much goddamn time on my hands

I think that's the thing. I gave too much time and feel relegated to someone of no importance. But I'm down and fed up anyway.

Yes..! Be careful what you wish for, indeed!

Oh. I have met his son. We get on fine. But are very different.

Oh, and we've been seeing each other for three years

3 years.. Ouch. It could just be the undue stress but also, if you can flip it, try to think how you could reassessing the relationship instead of reacting to him and his withdrawal. Is this what you want in your partner

Yes..we have a really nice time when we see each other and it now seems he's happy just with that. He tells me I'm great and he loves me but I suppose I have to decide if it's all enough. Maybe it's good to find out, though very hard. 🤷‍♀️

@mascotte it is just so disappointing to feel dispensable, when you thought you were in an equal partnership. Doubly hard in this godawful time when there are none of the usual distracting options available that would help.

But nothing is over yet, for good or bad. Try to just sit tight. Just chop the wood and fetch the water, as a good friend said to me, and wait and watch. It might all just work out better for you than you think, which ever way it goes..

We have met once. For a socially distanced walk in the park.

Can I join?
Finding it sooooo hard. I have my DCs here some of the time, and his living space isn’t the best for me to share with him. We’ve had a couple of socially distanced meetings but I am confused. I was creating some distance before all of this and now I’m craving his company all the time. I find myself looking out for him on various apps, like a woman obsessed. I get upset if he doesn’t want to talk to me. He keeps pressurising me to go and live with him every other week when I don’t have my children. As if!!!!

Oh I hate this bloody lockdown. It’s messing with my head.

We are all going a little mad... i definitely feel unstable for the first time in my life.

I’m struggling too. Been with BF for 8 months (afters years of being friends and not realising we loved eachother) but haven’t seen him now for 6 weeks and it’s awful. Due to health reasons and other logistics it’s not possible for to me move into his or for him to move into mine. Before lockdown started we were discussing getting a new place together but now all of that is on hold until god knows when.

The positives that have come out of all this so far is that absence is making the heart grow fonder for both of us. It’s made us realise all the small things we take for granted in eachother. It’s also made us aware how important the intimacy of touch and non verbal communication is to us both in our relationship and also how much we need and rely on each other emotionally. A previous poster mentioned how this lockdown has sped up the seriousness of her relationship and I totally see that happening to me too.

Would I break the rules to see BF? Yes I would if I could. If we lived within walking distance or if either of us had a car yes. But I’m not prepared for either of us to travel potentially spreading it to others. For now I’ll make do with my daily phone calls and texts but if lockdown continues for a long time I can see that my opinion on that may change.