Marriage at breaking point

[Tulip55]

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

Hi @Tulip55 The post from @getsomehelp really resonates.

Another pp talked of not being able to bear a husband who sulks. There is a long running thread from an amazing woman who decided to divorce her sulking husband. She is inspirational.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020

Keep reading and thinking things through. Only you can know what is right for you. So many women empathise with your situation.

Great book for after Lundy
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thank you for your support and advice. I am still very confused and numb. I don't know what I want, I don't know what to believe. He is saying all the right things, more so than ever....but I just can't see it working, even if he really did make an effort this time, I don't know if I love him anymore

I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that he is out of the house. I expect that once the initial shock of it wears off you will realise how freeing it is to not have a moody, intimidating man sulking about the place. You deserve to be happy OP xxx

Of course you are confused OP.
You have been in hell.

The longet he is out of the house, the better.

It will give you the silence you need to hear what you need to hear...

You deserve so much better than the live you have been surviving.

When I said I was unhappy since before lockdown, first thing he said was "so you wait for me to finish the house then get rid of me" like I'm some kind of heartless user.

That was the first thing I read , classic passive aggressive response , designed to make you feel guilty and ashamed and put you on the back foot .
Everything that you have posted pretty much displays his emotional abuse / manipulation.
Showing displeasure at you going out with your friends , not trusting you
Telling you he’s leaving ,with no intention to do so , just so he can see your reaction .
Sulking in his room, refusing to eat ( I remember my kids used to do that when they were about 10)
Crying , begging ,telling you he wants to work it out. Only when he thinks he’s on his way out the door
Marriage is a partnership , where you love , support and encourage each other . You are each other’s safe place . It’s not meant to be an exhausting , painful ordeal .
When you say to yourself ‘ I don’t know if I love him anymore ‘ chances are you don’t , at least not enough to rebuild a truly happy loving ,trusting, relationship .
DO NOT listen to the promises he is making he’d promise you a garden of unicorns if he thought it would get him what he wanted ( to get you back where he had you )Even if he magically transforms himself into exactly the type of husband you want , it can only last for a limited period . People are who they are, I’ve yet to meet anyone who has honestly been able to change their behaviour for the better , on any kind of permanent basis .
You and DC deserve to be happy , and until he’s gone , that can’t happen .

He has been gone 2 days and has asked to call me, come see me to talk, I said no. He then sent a lot of long messages saying sorry and he can change...also telling me not to forget the good times and saying we could still have another 30-50 years together. The idea of that does not appeal to me in the slightest.
I have told him we need to work out arrangements so he can see the kids and that I think it's over and I just want time on my own to be my own person.

Well done op. You are showing a huge amount of strength here.

Just read your thread OP. What a relief he went, really admire your strength! You are definitely doing the right thing. Its normal to feel grief at first. Just give it a bit more time and your stength and resolve will grow and grow. You can also limit the communication, there's no need to respond immediately.....

Well done OP.
You sound so strong and together.

Enjoying space will bring peace and strengthen how you feel.

Apologies, but him "threatening/promising" you with another 30+ years is actually funny...talk about not ha ing a clue.

You have a great future ahead of you, without him.

Peace of mind, in your own space is priceless.

Stick to your guns.
Do not allow your to be bullied.

"His appalling behaviour killed the marriage. It's too late."

Keep saying it to yourself and him.

He knew well he was being a nasty dick but he just thought he could get away with it endlessly.

All I’m saying is any man that makes the women feel like shit and accuses her of cheating becareful ! He probably is. He is deflecting the topic to blame you and making you feel guilty

My mind is mashed right now. He just came round to tell me he has spoken to the doctor and the doctor said he needs medication for anxiety! He was crying, then said good bye to kids in tears. They have never seen him cry before so they are upset and I am scared they will resent me for sending him away. I don't know why he came round here, I'm questioning his motives..but I have never seen him like that before and I know too well what anxiety and depression feels like. He said he was relieved and that it wasn't him.who says those bad things....I told him that it definately was him regardless of wether he has anxiety or not. So confused...i don't know what to believe.

Oh come on OP! you know why he came back and cried in front of his kids! sheer manipulation. So he has anxiety........and is now ensuring his kids have anxiety too. Nice.

Right now I'd take absolutely everything he says with a pinch of salt. Until you see actual evidence of this 'medication for anxiety', it's the easiest thing in the world to turn on the waterworks, plead a MH problem and expect everything you've done up until now to be forgiven and forgotten.

Even if he is telling the truth, why should it matter? Anxiety did not give him carte blanche to be an utter twat. And it took you telling him to leave in order for him to sort himself out?

He's still a twunt.

OP anxiety does NOT turn you into a horrible, sulking, threatening person who puts others down. Please don’t listen to his nonsense - he’s just playing every card he can think of to get you back where he wants you. It’s so hard to see when you’re in it yourself but from the outside it’s very clear what he’s up to

I’d ask him not to come round upsetting the children and manipulating you. Just ignore his crocodile tears.

OP, have you got to the end of Lundy's book? There is a section where he covers people using the MH card to excuse their behaviour. Worth checking out.
I'd recommend put a picture of Salt on your phone to remind you to take everything he says with a big pinch of it!

Classic manipulation, part of the script. Do you think if you were anxious about something you would lay on the tears in front of your children? No I doubt it. They ALL come pleading and begging when they realise their tactics arn't working, losing their emotional punchbag.

Oh God OP.

What a selfish man.
He will do anything, even if it upsets his children.
Harden your heart OP.
Please don't allow him to manipulate you.

This is calculated and deliberate.

Denying everything he did was because of his anxiety is complete bullshit.

Anxiety and depression do NOT make you into a nasty, bullying man who threatens his wife.

These actions are the behaviour of a nasty, abusive man who now is grappling with ANY excuse to try and get back into the house.

Do NOT be manipulated.

Tell him you are glad he is getting help, but it changes NOTHING.

Your marriage is OVER and he needs to man up and think of his children.

OP, this ruse won't last long, his nasty self will rise again.

Protect yourself.

So why didn’t he go to the doctors before and ask for help because he was being horrible to his wife? It was because he was getting away with it. Now his behaviour has had consequences he wants to blame something else and absolve himself of responsibility. Having anxiety doesn’t turn you into an arsehole. He’s trying to manipulate you and doesn’t mind involving the kids to do it.

OP, I have anxiety and am currently in a major spiral but I'm making damn sure my kids have no idea. I'm putting on my brave face around them and saving my tears for when they're not around because the last thing I want is for them to be upset or worrying about me. That's what a parent does, protects their children. He's done what he did today in an attempt to manipulate you as he very likely knows your children are your weak spot. He's also shown their well-being isn't as important to him as getting his own way.

Also isn't today a bank holiday still? Are GP's even working today?

He is not a kind or nice partner, and now he is being unkind to the DC with his behaviour.

You don't love him - the thought of 30years with him fills you with horror!

It's over and don't let him manipulate you into trying again.

Now he's asked to have the kids overnight but I'm worried he will turn them against me/use them to get to me. But the kids miss him and they would love a sleepover with him. I know I have to say yes. I have suffered from anxiety and depression, been on anti depressants for years. I was deeply unhappy to the point of not coping when I was first prescribed them, I must admit that I probably did cry in front of the children sometimes as I couldn't stop myself or find alone time...so i am making excuses for him in my mind now. Then I remember the last time we had an argument, he said I must have stopped taking my antidepressants! So he has used it against me! I have pointed that out to him and ofcourse all he could say was sorry.

This man finds it quite acceptable to come round and upset his children to get his own way
A totally selfish individual and a weak man
You will all be better off without him in your lives
If you don't love him anymore get rid of him out of your life
Do it for your children if not for yourself
Choose happiness

You don’t have to hand them over.
It probably wouldn’t be in their best interests as he is so ill and unpredictable