Marriage at breaking point

[Tulip55]

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

Research Boundaries. It'll help you stick to your initial No. Protect yourself emotionality too.
theoverwhelmedbrain.com/personal-boundaries/

I thought it took a while for anxiety medication to kick in?

So he's not feeling the effects of it yet. But he's cuddling? So what was his excuse? Either he didn't cuddle you before because of the 'anxiety' (which I'm not totally sure i believe in in his case) which the medication can't yet be affecting, or he didn't cuddle you for some other reason which he's magically been able to overcome?

He'll start pressurising you for sex soon.

Oh OP. I get that you feel guilty but you were doing so well.

My mum lived in this cycle with my dad for years and I witnessed it all growing up. Slightly different to your situation because he'd usually have an affair, leave voluntarily and then suddenly "come to his senses" and realise what he'd lost. He'd come crying on the doorstep, beg my mum to let him back and realise he'd "changed for good this time". Even had a friend call her one time and say he was suicidal and needed the stability of his family home It won't surprise you to hear I no longer speak to my dad after my parents split for the final time when I was 18. More importantly though, I never forgave mum for what I saw as her weakness in letting him back. Our life was far nicer day to day without him around and I still feel robbed of my childhood as a result.

It's not going to be easy OP but trust me, you have the opportunity to give your kids a better life co parenting but living separately than you're ever likely to achieve muddling along in the same house. And it's actually quite cruel in a perverse way to be giving your husband the false sense that something has changed by allowing him back. You need to stop the mixed messages and make him leave for good, if deep down you know that's what you want. Have courage in your convictions for the sake of your children if not yourself

Oh no, I know it’s hard but this is all kinds of fucked up. Why can’t he do as you ask and just give you 2 weeks? He can still see the children but he shouldn’t be there initiating hugs and putting you under pressure. He has to leave

Also, please don't let the children's upset guilt you into anything you don't want. They only see him as 'daddy', you are the one who has to endure his behaviour. They can and will leave, you will be stuck with it.

If you separate, they will very quickly adapt to the new normal. Don't let their tears ruin the rest of your life.

Oh OP,

I'm so sorry to read this.

So hard for you.

My skin crawls reading him hugging you.

Of course it isn't genuine.

You will see this again.

He won't keep it up.

He's a horror of a man.

Keep yourself preparing for a separation and be ready to get him out again.

He's a bully whom has NO respect for you.

Your children will accept this.

You do not have to remain in a marriage with an abuser for you children.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Oh OP this is very sad to hear. The children don’t understand the long term consequences so please don’t be swayed by their tears - it’s actually in their best interests for him to be gone.

As for him - he won’t change, you’re just delaying the inevitable by allowing him back. You can be supportive of his mental health journey from afar. You don’t need to be in a relationship with him or live with him to do that.

How are you op?

So sorry I haven't replied. I took him back. Things were good fir a while. He stopped drinking all together for a few weeks. The hugs have stopped, the asking how I feel has mostly stopped and the drinking has started. He is working on his drinking habits for sure, like mot drinking in the middle of the day but still gets drunk at least once a week. Thing is, since our time apart, I have really looked and my values and what I am and am not ok with...and being a drunken clown in front of me and the children is something I just can't accept anymore. I have told him this but he says he needs it as his release and its unreasonable for me to ask him to stop. I told him I am not asking him to stop but every time he's drunk I can't stand him and don't want to be around him and that affects our relationship. He says he didn't realise it bothered me that much even though I have told him so several times. I fear he values getting drunk more than our relationship deep down. I know you must all think i am an idiot for not ending it. The kids are so happy as a family unit and I am too when he's not drunk.

Well,what are you hoping to receive from your updated post? You've got a codependency with an addictive asshole and the worst of it is neither one of you can make any sort of decisive action on behalf of your two kids. Of course they're happy you're together their immature and lack perspective

They're

I've read through all your posts tulip and really feel for you. It's pretty clear you don't like this man and are unhappy in the relationship, but you're hanging on in there for the kids. In some ways I can't blame you as I did the same for many years, and alcohol was a big part of the problem too. I would say that you will know when 'enough is enough' and you've reached your tipping point. But personally, I wish now that I hadn't wasted so many years of my life being desperately unhappy and living with someone I didn't even like; never mind love. I did the same thing re keeping quiet about my feelings as I knew it would anger him and just make the situation worse, but that's no way to live and just causes resentment to build. It took a year after I ended it for us to start living separately (that was the year from hell) but the day my new life started I literally felt like a huge weight had lifted and I have never looked back. I'll never know if the kids would have been better-adjusted-individuals had we stayed together, but - like you - I knew the example we were setting them re relationships was the wrong one. I'm 6 years into my new life and have no regrets whatsoever. Could you write a 'pros and cons' list of staying together/separating? ....to help you see it in black and white and get your head around it calmly, it's such a confusing, agonising time. Feel free to PM me if I can help. Good luck. Xx

What are you looking for, OP. You had him out. He was gone. You'd done it. And then you said he could come back. Why????

And now he's getting drunk weekly in front of you and presumably the kids. Whilst on ADs? And saying he 'needs' alcohol and is angry with you for questioning it? It will be daily soon enough... and he will blame you.

It's clearly a miserable life for you, and a terrible environment for your children. Tell him to go back to his mother's!

OP I am currently in a very abusive relationship and it is making my life hell.

Please please leave him, your kids will be so much happier seeing their mum thrive and not be on eggshells.

They don’t need their dad kicking off and getting drunk every week. Interestingly when drunk was the first time my bf hit me, and it spiralled. He isn’t a good man Tulip. You and your babies deserve so much more. Put yourselves first and stay safe.

Take care

You got rid of him once, you can do it again. Get rid of him

He won’t stop drinking.
People who are reliant on alcohol can stop for a while when they need/want to, but they will always go back.
You need to decide whether this is the life you want for you and your kids.
You are not an idiot for not ending it, it’s your life. But I suspect you will end it one day.
Resentment will creep in, and you need to think about how you want to be living in five and ten years time.
Just don’t waste your and your kids life waiting for him to change.

Don't you and your children deserve better?

If the children seeming happy that he's back is a factor in you not wanting to end it, please don't let it be. Believe me when I say that growing up with an alcoholic father and parents who hate each other will not make them happy in the long run.

Its so hard. He is making some sort of effort, he has definitely improved his drinking habits and he hasn't been mean to me when he's been drunk...but i just cant stand the drunken version of him now, i hate it...and even though I am only seeing it like once a week now or occasionally more, its just making me not like him...I spend the rest of the week seeing the good things he does and saying to myself - look hes so great in so many ways - but then he gets drunk again and...ewww. Its like having a 3rd really badly behaved annoying child. And I don't like that its normalises getting drunk in front of the children, can't stand it. Thing is I like to have the odd few drinks too and personally do not see a problem with that...its about moderation though and being a responsible parent. But as I drink, even though in moderation, he uses that against me like i am being hypicrital. Maye I am? I have asked him to go tee total and I will do the same to support him but he can't bare to do it.

And the intimacy has gone again..no hugs no kisses. I think we are never going to be able to have that properly for some reason. Is it too much to ask? Is everyone else still cuddling kissing after several years of marriage or am I expecting to much? I know I sound ridiculous by the way, and I know if I was looking at this from the outside it would be clear cut...but when your kids are so unhappy when hes gone and hes having a mental breakdown, its hard not to take him back. We do the practical stuff so well together. Its hard to let go of that...the alternative is trying to look after a home, 2 kids and 2 dogs alone and work full time. I dont think I am strong enough to do it. I'm scared I will burn out.

His anger issue will never gp away (speaking of my experience) even he has counciling. My husband (divorcing him now) had therapy for 2 years. Not a single thing change. If you confront your husband and stand for your self he will hit you. Thats for sure. Only was for you to avoid this is to be quite. But it is not a life you want I assume. Of you want try to save your marriage for kids try your best because it is worthted. However if you thing he is never going to change then think about yourself. You dont want a home with full of urgument and physical violent infront of kids. ..

Second here, anger issues don’t just disappear. He could have all the anger management and counselling on earth. And he doesn’t do “good” in the week - he does what a normal dad and husband should do, please don’t put him on a pedestal for acting normal. You can live without this man, you and your kids don’t need him