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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage at breaking point

152 replies

Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 09:00

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

OP posts:
Dery · 28/04/2020 20:07

Thanks, @billy1966! Yours, too!

FallonSwift · 28/04/2020 20:36

Today we booked our first counselling sessions. He asked me why I want to do it separately, he sounded uncomfortable with that.

Translation: I want to know exactly what you are saying and it concerns me that a counsellor might help you realise that you are in an abusive relationship.

Later on he said he doesn't want to do his counselling alone as he did that last year for a few weeks and he doesn't think it will help.

Translation: I find it boring having to go through the motions of pretending to take it seriously. And ultimately I don't think there is anything wrong with ME because it's all YOUR fault.

I told him I havent had counselling alone and I need it. He seems to have accepted that. He wants us to use this lock down to work on us, I don't know

Translation: I don't want to change at all and I am unhappy and uncomfortable that my preferred tactics of stomping off, sulking and withdrawing haven't yielded the usual results. But you should definitely have counselling because YOU need to change not me.

Treatedlikeamaid · 28/04/2020 20:58

Gosh fallon. What a great translation.
Op, please listen to these ladies. I wonder if he’ll get nasty, or, after the tears ( mine has a pretend bout of flu next to get me to pamper him) and then start being nice ...for a time, maybe months. Then , as I’m just realising, it all starts again. Because he got nice, I didn’t realise for years that it was a pattern, would forget he’d been so foul. Mums netters are Educating me, even now I don’t believe it, but yours is clearly cut and dried manipulative. Though obviously it’s easy to see from the outside x

Original poster
Tulip55 · 29/04/2020 13:45

Thank you so much for your posts. I am still struggling with all this. He is so sorry, and he has got a lot better since my breakdown 3 years ago. Thats when he stopped the regular obvious put downs but I still felt like I was always on trial. I always thought I was going crazy and couldn't understand why I felt so terrible about myself. I just feel so angry now. I have counselling this evening. But I have told him it's over today and that he needs to think about the children and how to do thus in the best way for them

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 13:49

Well done lovey - good luck with counselling tonight.

Sicario · 29/04/2020 16:51

Thinking of you. Hang on in there.

ReluctantHillCrester · 29/04/2020 17:06

Keep reading Lundy Tulip and I hope your counselling session goes well tonight.

I always thought I was going crazy and couldn't understand why I felt so terrible about myself. I just feel so angry now

Put the anger to use and channel it into getting organised. So copies of important documents, do have a grab bag, it may feel like an over-reaction but if he feels you are slipping from his control this could escalate. Don't be afraid to call the police. He chooses his actions, you choose yours.

As Wheres said "In a healthy relationship if one party says they aren't happy, both parties discuss it and try and find a way forward if they both want the relationship to work

Absolutely, they do not sulk and hide away to punish you until you cave and grovel realising you can never voice your unhappiness again because this is his response.

The whole not allowed out again is a controlling thing. Because you might notice that other men are not dicks and it might make you realise hang on, maybe there is much better out there. And there is.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 29/04/2020 17:24

He says that he takes himself away to stop himself saying horrible things to me..he said the counsellor last year told him that's the right thing to do....because he needs time to process his thoughts. He says when he's angry he can't stop saying those things so he has to go away and calm himself first.

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 17:40

He says that he takes himself away to stop himself saying horrible things to me..he said the counsellor last year told him that's the right thing to do....because he needs time to process his thoughts. He says when he's angry he can't stop saying those things so he has to go away and calm himself first.

But he needs to work on what makes him so angry in the first place. Constantly lashing out is unreasonable - and if you love someone, then why would you want to say nasty things to them? Why would you do that, knowing that it will hurt and upset them?

Whatever the reasons are, they are HIS problems to sort out. It's OK for you to say I've had enough. I can't stay married to you any more because your anger problems are making me so unhappy that it's ruining my life.

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 17:42

And if struggles with his temper so badly that he cannot control what he says, then that is all the more reason for you to leave and take the kids with you.

And isn't it funny how not being able to control his temper doesn't get in the way of him wanting sex?

HollowTalk · 29/04/2020 17:48

So he asked you what was wrong and you said there's no affection in your marriage. He then sulked and ignored you for days. Can't he understand what's going on?

willowmelangell · 29/04/2020 17:53

@FallonSwift and @Dery have absolutely hit all the nails on their heads.

billy1966 · 29/04/2020 19:39

Well done OP.

You are so strong.

He is so upset for himself...they always are...they regret just pushing their victim just that bit too far...

Horrible man.

@FallonSwift.....great breakdown.

OP, I really think you have this.

Get the most out of your counselling session by preparing what you need to discuss.

Get the financials together.

Be prepared to call the police if this ugly man decides to get nasty...

Because he is a nasty man.

Flowers
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2020 22:57

Stay safe while this is going on, please keep your phone with you at all times.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2020 22:59

You know what, can I suggest you set up a signal with a friend?

If you dont check in at say.... 9 am, 3pm and then 11 pm, they call the police for you?

Sorry to be alarmist but I have been abused and the statistics at the moment are terrifying, better to over react and be safe and under react and......

Sicario · 30/04/2020 19:30

Hi @Tulip55 - did you manage to get your counselling session yesterday evening? I hope it was helpful.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 30/04/2020 20:18

Hi @Sicario - I had the session, it was a assessment one so she said she would be in touch to arrange counselling sessions and i need to decide if i want joint sessions or not. They did say some things I said rang some alarm bells. My husband kept pressuring me to tell him whether I wanted him to leave yesterday and when I told him I did he said he couldn't accept it. He has approached me for several chats. He says after a lot of thought he can see that over the last year I have bent over backwards for him and he has taken advantage of me. He's really sorry and he wants one more chance to change. He also agreed to go to his mums for a few days and said he will only come back if I ask him to. So he's gone now and I just feel numb at the moment....Don't know which way to turn. Kids were upset about him going even though we have just told them he's keeping his mum company as she is struggling being on her own for now. Just finding it hard to trust him after all this time thinking there was something wrong with me, doubting myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip55 · 30/04/2020 20:21

I am going to keep reading Lundys book, spend the weekend with my kids and just try relax. Don't know what comes next

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/04/2020 20:44

Oh pet, i feel so sorry for you.

This is so hard and so lonely.

I really can't imagine. At all.

The fact that he has left is good.

Your children are upset because the know well, that yours is NOT a happy home.

Please don't lie to them.

Even though that may be very hard because you really want to protect them.

Much, much better to say that ....."mum and dad are having a very hard time. Adult relationships are complicated and can be very very difficult to understand for children.
We both really love you.
However, mum is going to work really hard to do what is best for you and her."

Only a suggestion.

Others on her are truly fantastic for advice.
Hopefully they will adise soon.
You are NOT alone OP.
People you don't know are thinking of you.
YOU have done the right thing.
This could not have gone on.

I thi k it is sadly very telling that he knows very bloody well how badly he has treated you.

That tells me, clearly, that he knew bloody well how badly he was behaving.

How poorly he was treating you.

Thats so sad.

I can only imagine how sad you must feel to know he has had a super fast Eureka moment.

That would just piss me off more.

Deep breath.
Take your time.
See how you feel.
Please speak a little to your children in an age appropriate way.
Lying is just more confusing.
Better I believe to be calm, and positive that mum and dad love them, but that Daddy needs to stay with Granny for a bit.

Happy to be corrected by others. Flowers

Sicario · 30/04/2020 22:26

It's good that he's gone. You need some space to think without him hovering over you and "doing a number" on you. You know the kind of thing - telling you that you're upset and confused and wanting everything to go back to (his) normal.

He is used to being able to exert control over you and he believes that he can talk you around. He will go through any necessary motions to get his own way. A leopard doesn't change its spots. It might try to paint stripes over itself for a while, but the paint washes off.

His declaration that he "doesn't accept" your decision is yet another demonstration that he has no regard for your feelings or wishes.

This is not his decision. It's yours.

That feeling you describe of doubting yourself is because your confidence and self-esteem has been deliberately worn down. It's an awful feeling. I do hope the counselling will be able to help you with that. It takes a long time to heal from an abusive marriage.

Try not to worry too much about the children. Your cover story of their dad going to keep his mum company is fine. You need to take this in small steps, and right now you probably just need to have some peace and clear your head.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/04/2020 22:31

He will only come back if I ask him to.

Is this his way of being able to say 'she split us up, it's all her fault'?

Whataloadofshite · 30/04/2020 22:52

Do not let him back in.

madcatladyforever · 30/04/2020 23:55

Angry because you dare to have an opinion. Fuck him.
Sulking upstairs for 2 days regardless of the fact that he has children who have been promised some family time.
Sounds like it's time to leave.
I cannot abide a sulker.

getsomehelp · 01/05/2020 09:04

This was me, your OP could have been me.
I didn't leave, (there were other factors involved also, living overseas unable to take my 2 DCs)
My life has been unhappy.
Only yesterday I saw a thing on fb, of an artist asking an elderly man to describe his deceased wife, & drawing her portrait from his description.
At one point she asked "what do you miss most about her ?", his reply, "her hugs".
I was already crying by this point.
& I thought, I am so lonely, & H is still here, I would love to miss my H's hugs, but I don't get any.
It hurts, it really opened up a void of how alone I am. whilst surrounded by my H's noise, demands, misery, & disapproval.

Please don't call him to come back, he doesn't love you, you don't love him, He is a bad habit. Your DC would be happier with you being happy yourself, & him seeing them & being their loving father independently. Not in a buzzing cavern of grey unspoken oppression. Life is too short.

FlowerArranger · 01/05/2020 10:43

It's normal to doubt yourself when you are contemplating a huge change in your life. You must make this decision on your own, without him feeding you lines about how it will be your fault if "you break up the family". Always remember that the responsibility lies with HIM and his abusive behaviour.

Can you make a list of what you would actually miss if he were to be gone for good? I bet it would be a short one.

Your children will ultimately be so much happier if they are allowed to grow up in a happy home, without witnessing their mother being coerced and controlled.