Marriage at breaking point

[Tulip55]

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

OP, you cried in front of your children on the back of his abuse.

No one has been abusing him and tormenting him.

The two are not comparable.

He is an abusive arsehole who is now claiming he has axiety because his wife has called time on the abuse.

You were a wife being abused, treated like shit and trying to hold a family together, and suffering axiety due to it.

Absolutely incomparable.

Do NOT allow him to bully you.

He has said he is very unwell.

Best the children don't stay with him.

He's just moving on to his next tactic....make her anxious about the children being with me.

This is about him trying to control you.

Tell the children that unfortunately it is NOT in their best interests to stay with him.

Be strong OP.

Don't allow him to wear you down.

He just came round to tell me he has spoken to the doctor and the doctor said he needs medication for anxiety! He was crying, then said good bye to kids in tears.

Tell him no...because of the above behaviour. Tell him he's not mentally in a good place at the moment so you're not comfortable with him having the children alone.

Watch the anxiety disappear, to be replaced with anger and more verbal abuse, when his realises that this latest trick isnt working.

Sad that they think that they are all so fucking unique but they all do the same tricks when they are called on their shitty behaviour.

@Pyong

Too right👍

But, it ain't called The Script for nothing!

Sounds to me like your both at the end of the road in your relationship....

Thank you all, I told him no but he can come visit them here and take them out for their daily exercise around our area some days.
The kids have been talking about him today. They said they miss him as he is the more fun parent...Then said he's either fun or mean, doesn't have an inbetween...whereas I am the one that looks after them and I am not too mean and not too nice, I'm just right....I'm taking that as a compliment after some thought. I am consistent and they know what to expect from me. Its helping me stay strong with my decision to keep him away. Im not the over excitable type but i tell them i love them every day and try to make them feel emotionally safe with me. I am about half way through Lundys book so far, it's opening my eyes to a lot of things....still hard to take in

You are doing great OP.
It is not easy.

Children need stability and routine.
Two of their foundation pillars.

They know they can depend on you.
That's a big thing for you to be.
Especially the atmosphere they have been around for along time.

Mean and nice is a hell of a spread!

I doubt my children would call me a fun parent, even on a good day. Not sure they would my husband either, but they definitely would call us dependable, reliable, consistent.

The know we are doing out best.
That's good enough for me.

You are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.

Keep reading.
Hang on in there.

Well done OP.
What’s the atmosphere like in the house now he’s gone?
My husband moved out a couple of months ago and I’m just so much more relaxed now, no more walking on eggshells.

It's so quiet and chilled, I can do what I want when I want...It's quite nice

OP you are amazing. I know how hard it is to leave someone like this. You really are fantastic and so strong. Regarding counselling, he didn't want to have separate counselling because he knows if you go alone that they will help you understand how abusive and controlling he is

Hope you’re doing ok.

I really don't know how I'm doing...I am still working from home full time and trying to home school the kids. Struggling to juggle the two. I just need to stay strong and keep going. I thought I would feel lonely, but although it us quieter in the evenings, it's peaceful rather than lonely. I also thought I would wake up in the mornings with a sinking feeling of "what have I done" but not getting that either

Hang on in there Tulip. It will get better and calmer.

All very positive signs OP.

You are doing so well and are so strong.

Oh jolly well done.

Well done OP

Hahaha, the promises, the tears,
This is the circle of abuse,
It is the script. Once he gets his feet back under the table it will be just days before he reverts to type
Ask yourself, If he loves you, why was he so vile for so long ?
If he is capable of change, why didn't he just use the nice loving, caring, sharing persona ?

Hi Tulip. I hope you manage to have some peace during this long weekend with some time off work. You are doing brilliantly.

How are things going for you?

The kids were missing him so much, they were starting to resent me as they saw me as the only reason he was not allowed back. He has started anxiety medication. I asked him for 2 weeks of no pressure to move home and I got about 24 hours...I have let him back in. I want to support him through starting his medication. He's making a lot of effort, but I don't believe deep down that it's genuine, I have lost trust in him. So I'm basically still very confused. He has agreed to separate rooms but he is constantly hugging me to show affection and I'm scared to pull away and make him feel rejected as he will be upset. After years of nothing, it feels fake.

Sounds like you are doing what HE wants op. Send him back and let him visit the kids. You are clearly feeling uncomfortable about it all. X

Oh tulip, it doesn’t sound genuine, it sounds like he’s got what he wanted after a lot of emotional pressure on you. I had some counselling which was ( apart from look after yourself) that it his journey and you are not responsible for him. If that helps?? I’m sure there will be lots of wise words soon, just wanted to give you a big hug.

Yes to what Never says x

I was just going to post what never said. It's still about him and what he wants. What happened to your two weeks for peace? Now he wants to cuddle and you are cuddling, it's the sex scenario all over again, you're being manipulated Ito doing what he wants to do, so he doesn't feel rejected

The hugs are him pushing your boundaries again. He knows he is making you feel uncomfortable and that they are unwanted.
I agree with others that he should be gone. It all sounds fake on his behalf.