Marriage at breaking point

[Tulip55]

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

A book has just been published called "Why Women Are Blamed For Everything" and its writer has received a torrent of abuse from angry men.

Please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. You're not the one who went off on one because you expressed unhappiness, and you're not the one who went into a massive sulk and hid for 2 days.

You really are better off without that kind of crap. And it is good that he is leaving so you do not have to disrupt yourself or the kids for the time being at least.

Deep breaths. Try to keep a level head and hold your nerve. His leaving is probably part of his arsenal to punish you for daring to speak out.

Him leaving will give you some space and time to think. Hang on in there.

I hope you can see that his is not a normal response.

In a healthy relationship if one party says they aren't happy, both parties discuss it and try and find a way forward if they both want the relationship to work.

He is upstairs punishing you, making life unpleasant for you so that YOU apologise to HIM, and see this is all your fault. It isn't, but he knows exactly how to control you, and get what he wants.

Silent treatment is an abusive and controlling trait. I am sure he is angry, but he isn't upstairs trying to control his temper for your sake. He's upstairs for his, trying to control you as you have pushed back.

Please leave. He is hideous. Sadly he has controlled you for so long and knows exactly how to play you, and he's relying on that and his knowledge of how to do it to ensure you stay together.

Make sure you have copies of his pay slips, bank statements etc, birth certificates & passports for you & your children, a bank account in your sole name, some cash, get cashback every time you go shopping, I know this is hard but if you could take anything precious to someone you trust to look after it for you. Try & have a bag ready for you & your children just in case you have to leave in a hurry, sneak stuff in when you do the washing, don't forget any medication, don't forget things like phone charger. Speak to Women's Aid & as soon as lockdown is over get yourself a good family law solicitor.

He's been upstairs for two days sending you messages about leaving? Honestly OP this is not a normal reaction. You need to be able to talk things through in a good marriage.

Not wanting you to go out is controlling behaviour and abusive
Punishing you for days by not speaking to you is controlling and abusive
Lunging at you when you had an argument is abusive.
You being scared of his reaction is a sign your relationship is not normal. People should be able to talk about their feelings without fear of the consequences.
Someone can do their share of housework and also be an abuser.

If he was leaving he would have left by now. The texting and sulking upstairs is all designed to make you feel bad for challenging his behaviour.

He's still here...only thing he has said is that the place he was going to go to, he can't now as can't afford it. He's upstairs again now...I sent my son up to ask if he wanted dinner and he refused.

I wonder if the place he was going to go was another woman's house? It seems a lot of men who accuse their partner of cheating are cheating themselves. So think everyone would stoop to their level.

I think you should speak to him when the kids are in bed and ask him to go to his Mum's again.

He is awful. He's abusive. He's literally training you not to challenge him or this is the behaviour you get.
He will eventually hit you, and that will of course be your fault in his eyes. (Only his eyes).

Your kids don't deserve to be raised around that. This is how your DS will behave towards you and a future partner as he gets older if you don't leave.

OP, you poor woman.

He is abusive.

And your are afraid of him.

He deliberately makes a show of trying to control his temper, to make you fearful.

He should go to his mothers.

You should be prepared to call the police.

You and your children are living with an abuser.

Your eldest knows.
He'll grow up living on his nerves with a father like that.

Please do not approach him again re food.

He needs to leave.

Don't cry.
Tell him he should go.
Better for you and your children.
Be prepared to call the police.

This is so hard for you, but you are living with a threatening, controlling man.

He's furious that you would dare to question his appalling treatment of you.

You will have a better future without him.

Reach out for support IRL.

Tulip55 he wants to force you to behave the way he wants you to. Sadly I doubt he has any intention of leaving voluntarily. You are too convenient, as long as you don’t express your opinions.

Can you leave with the children? You shouldn’t have to, but he’s unlikely to suddenly see reason.

Meanwhile, stop offering dinner, stop cooking for him, doing his washing, picking up after him. He’s a grown man in a sulk, he’s perfectly capable of feeding himself. Continuing to offer ‘wifely’ duties will only reinforce his belief that you will pander to him eventually.

I know how hard it is, but both you and your children deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved, listened to, respected and treated as a human being not an accessory.

Hope you can get out as soon as you can

What @billy1966 said.

@FlowerArranger I have started reading that book today, it has terrified me. It resonates with me too much. I just feel so bad for him, his father was abusive and I know it's the last thing he would want to see himself as...but I couldn't bare for my son to end up with the same issues he has or for my daughter to have a relationship like this. He is devastated tonight, has been crying and apologising. I still can't believe I am in an abusive relationship...I'm so confused

It doesn't matter whether you label his behaviour as abusive or something else. It's enough that he is making you deeply unhappy, and he doesn't care. He is most likely devastated because he fears he may have gone too far this time. What is he now promising - apart from crying and apologising?

He wants to do counselling. He went on his own for a short time a year ago. He wanted to do it together this time but I said we should do it separately. I think he is staying here for the time being, I have told him I want to continue to sleep in separate bedrooms. Not sure if we should explain to the kids...I have been sleeping separate for weeks now and just avoiding questions.
All of you guys saying he had no intention of leaving, you were right....it was clearly just to see my reaction

This makes me so angry. It is classic abusive behaviour. His attempt to make you kowtow has failed, so now he's trying the other tactic of crying and promising it will never happen again.

I hope you can stay strong and stick to your guns.

No one should tell you to stop seeing your friends. He should be happy for you to go and see them. The sulking is horrible for you and the kids to experience. And like someone else said, even if you don’t feel it’s abusive, fact is you’re unhappy and are being silenced. He’s controlling you through his sulking.

OP,
intimidation is not working, so now the tears.

He is a nasty, abusive man.

Please log with the police that you are afraid of him and his anger.

Do this asap.

When he sees that the tears aren't working, he may get very very nasty again.

Men like him don't like to see their control slipping.

Please call the police.

He is a controlling prick, who is terrorising the house.

Your children know well what is going on.

Don't give in to his tears, he's crying for himself and to manipulate you.

Your poor, poor children living in a house like that.

I think you may be done.

Counselling will be for him.

The priority is to get him and his controlling rage out of the house.

Contact family a d friends for support asap.
Again, please call the police.
Register your fear.

You can do this.

You need to separate.

He's back-pedalling because his threats to leave haven't had the desired result of making you apologise and get down on your knees and beg him to stay.

I think you should suggest he moves out (he can go somewhere cheaper if the place he wanted was too expensive, or his mum's) to give you space and time to think. Then I think you will find the atmosphere in the house lightens up so much that you can think clearly about what you want to do next.

He can cry all he wants, but it sounds as though he's had enough warnings. And the 'you waited for me to do up the house before you kicked me out' - well, it just means the house will be worth more if you have to come to sell it, doesn't it? His gain as well as yours.

He sounds vile. Don't waver, keep asking him to leave, even if he cries, shouts or sulks.

Joint counselling is not recommended for abusive partners. The process relies on honesty and openness but abusive people will use those things against you.

Tell him to go to his Mother.

He is crying because the sulking in the bedroom has not had the desired effect, He will start to threaten you soon with taking the DC, & ruining you.
Ignore, its hot air

Please don’t involve your children in his mind games by sending them up to ask about dinner. If you can’t bear to talk to him don’t make them do it, poor kid being used as a go between

Get him out back to his mum’s whatever sob story and crocodile tears he comes out with

Today we booked our first counselling sessions. He asked me why I want to do it separately, he sounded uncomfortable with that. Later on he said he doesn't want to do his counselling alone as he did that last year for a few weeks and he doesn't think it will help. I told him I havent had counselling alone and I need it. He seems to have accepted that. He wants us to use this lock down to work on us, I don't know

Great stuff that you stood firm on the counselling. It is unsafe to have counselling with someone who is abusing you. In fact, counselling for abusers is generally a bad thing unless it is with someone specialised in counselling perpetrators of domestic violence and who in that case will regard you as the client, not your H (Lundy Bancroft explains all this in Why Does He Do That?). Otherwise, it's too easy for the abuser to manipulate the counsellor and end up feeling validated. However, you cannot stop him attending the sessions he has booked for himself - just bear in mind that they might not be as helpful in changing his behaviour as they might have been if a specialist counsellor were involved (and I'm assuming that's not the case here).

Of course, your H finds it very painful to realise that he has behaved abusively and that he is emulating his father's behaviour which he doubtless hated when he was growing up. But he has chosen to do this. He knew what abusive behaviour looked like so he could have decided to opt for something else. Instead, he has chosen to prevent you having an independent social life and isolate you from your friendship groups. He has chosen to sulk and spoil family weekends if he doesn't get his way - hurting his children's feelings in the process. He has chosen to neglect you but still feel he can demand sex. He is choosing this behaviour. And it sounds like he has finally killed your affection for him as a result.

Stay strong, OP. Look after yourself and look after your DC. If that means ending the marriage so be it. You've done your best to make it work but you're not obliged to put up with abuse. FWIW, I don't think the marriage vows were ever intended to mean that someone should stay in an abusive relationship. I think the "for worse" part refers to hardships such as poverty and illness and other circumstances which may be beyond your and your partner's control, not domestic abuse/affairs or other situations which one partner chooses to inflict on the other.

@Dery
Great post.

Good call OP refusing to joint counselling.
That would just give him information and ammunition.

He is a truly horrible man, it is perfectly understandable that your feelings have changed.
He has been so deeply unpleasant consistently and for so long.

You need to use the counselling to tease out what you want.

Please be prepared for him to act up again when he realises you will not do as he wants.

He has been used to ruling you and the home with terror.
That behaviour will be difficult for him to give up as it has served HIM well and it is his default mode of behaviour when things don't go his way.

Irrespective of what happens in the counselling sessions, if he tries to kick off, please call the police.

It will be the clearest indicator to him that you are no longer prepared to tolerate his abuse in the family home.

Wishing you the best OP.