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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage at breaking point

152 replies

Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 09:00

I have been unhappy since before lockdown. We have spent the last year renovating out house and my husband has been horrible to live with throughout the process. I have helped where I could but it just never seemed enough, he was always angry with me. Since lockdown he's become a lot more chilled but I have struggled to turn off the bad feeling towards him. He noticed after 4 weeks, and asked what was wrong and I just let it all out. He doesn't show affection but expects me to want to have sex with him, I just don't feel it...We never cuddle or kiss unless he's asking for sex in bed. He doesn't trust me when I go out with friends, to the extent that I have stopped arranging it with one set of friends he is particularly funny about as they are mixture of male and female. All this just makes me feel cheap, I'm only good for sex and not his affection and I will apparently cheat on him the moment his back is turned even though we have been together over 10 years, trying to build trust. Now he hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours so far...We have 2 kids and it's only a matter of time before they notice. I can't talk to him, he's too angry, he might lose his temper

OP posts:
Sicario · 26/04/2020 09:08

Christ. It's a horrible realisation, isn't it?

You are worth more than this. Your life is valuable and you deserve to be happy.

There's probably no point in talking to him - your comment about "he might lose his temper" is all too common. He is fine with the way things are and he has no interest in your happiness. You are there to serve his needs and fulfil your role as wife and mother.

Well, fuck that, is what I say.

I hope you can find a way through this lockdown period, then perhaps it is time to start making plans of your own. There is life (and indeed happiness) after divorce. And there is help and support out there for you when you need it.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 09:50

Thank you for your reply, means a lot. I just feel like I have messed up. Now he has stayed upstairs all weekend so far and we had plans to camp in the garden and have a bbq. Kids were excited. We still did it just the 3 of us but my eldest is upset today that he was looking forward to a fun weekend as a family. I wish I didn't say anything....whatever happens it will affect them the most

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 09:52

When I said I was unhappy since before lockdown, first thing he said was "so you wait for me to finish the house then get rid of me" like I'm some kind of heartless user. I hadn't even mentioned him leaving

OP posts:
Iwalkinmyclothing · 26/04/2020 09:56

Does he think sulking upstairs and denying your DC the family time they were promised is going to make you think better of him?

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 10:00

I think he's too angry to come down. Last time we had a call out like this he ended up staying at his mum's for a week cos he was so angry. That's why I tend to bottle it up when there's a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 10:02

Fall out I meant

OP posts:
TheStoic · 26/04/2020 10:08

I wish I didn't say anything.

Of course you do. That’s the plan. You’ll certainly think twice before complaining again, won’t you? Mission accomplished.

Sicario · 26/04/2020 10:09

That's awful. It sounds like you are treading on eggshells to keep the peace while he behaves badly and takes it out on the whole family.

Sulking and silent treatment are all part of his behavioural war chest for punishing anyone who dares to question the status quo. You do not have to live like this.

Of course the children are upset. Kids aren't stupid and they see everything. It can affect them in all kinds of ways. However, they too are living with his unreasonable behaviour. It's not a healthy environment for anyone.

He clearly has no respect for you, and that's an awful way to live.

Do please look up the Freedom Programme. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If it's any consolation, I felt like a complete fool when I realised the huge mistake I had made with my first marriage. You are not alone. I believed that marriage was for life, and I felt like a complete failure. It took some time for me to realise that it wasn't my fault, and that my life had value and I deserved more.

My children deserved more too, and I have never once regretted my decision.

saffy1234 · 26/04/2020 10:10

If it helps I'm going through something very similar at the moment
Sending you hugs

Sicario · 26/04/2020 10:17

How old are the children?
Has he ever threatened you or been violent?

Your fear of his temper is worrying. Coercive control is now a criminal act, punishable with a jail term. Coercive control is not about physical violence, but rather intimidation tactics which cause the other person (in this case you) to tip-toe around rather than risk upsetting them.

fuckoffImcounting · 26/04/2020 10:27

You are afraid of him because he is an abusive controlling wanker. You have done nothing wrong but he is punishing you for calling him out, trying to make sure you don't dare do that again. Men like this enjoy being abusive, they don't change because they are having too much fun being king of the castle.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 10:30

Our kids are 7 and 10. He has never raised a hand to us. But last time we had a fall out and I tried to talk it out with him he lunged towards me in anger. That's why I asked him to go to his mums....That's why I don't want to try talk to him this time...Just leave him to it but it's a bad atmosphere for the kids.

OP posts:
Sicario · 26/04/2020 10:41

Ok. I think we get the picture. The most important thing is that you stay safe. No point in poking the bear.

I hope you are able to take time to think about your future. I have a feeling that the divorce rate is going to go through the roof once all this is over. Too many women putting up with an awful lot of shit.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/04/2020 10:46

I have left two relationships because the men concerned seemed to think that they only ever needed to touch me when sex was on the cards. I couldn't feel sexy towards men who sat around and watched me do the housework, then thought that groping my boobs would 'get me in the mood'. It's enough of a reason on its own, in my opinion.

And your DH seems to also be a sulker and bad communicator. You don't have to put up with it, OP.

FlowerArranger · 26/04/2020 11:03

@Tulip55.... You need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online.

Also, just in case this turns out to be unsalvageable, start sorting your ducks:

Wikivorce
Collect and copy all financial documentation
Telephone consultation with a competent family solicitor
Make a plan for your future

And look after yourself Flowers

copycopypaste · 26/04/2020 11:14

Have you posted about him before, your username sounds familiar.

Tbh it's back to the age old controlling of you. By being so aggressive and sulky he's training you not to stand up to him, keep you in your place. He's already separated you from your friends and support structure.

Time to take the bull by the horns and split from him

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 11:46

I find it really hard to see him as abusive. He does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids...but he is definately a bad communicator and a sulker. I don't know if he does it to punish me or because he doesn't know how to express his feelings without getting angry....either way I don't think it's healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 11:48

Yes I have written a few times now. I am just so confused...I feel so guilty for not wanting him

OP posts:
newstarting · 26/04/2020 13:22

Don’t feel guilty. Why would you want him? He’s horrific. Just think about it. He’s been upstairs all weekend not only punishing you but punishing his kids too. He can’t control himself. Tell him to go and spend lockdown at his mothers. Why should you put up with this!

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 14:09

We make such a good team in a practical sense, house keeping and childcare...He tells me I should appreciate those things but I can't help feeling somethings missing/not right.

OP posts:
Sicario · 26/04/2020 17:05

Maybe you could think about getting some counselling on your own to help you sort through your feelings.

Even if you have decided to split, it might be helpful to have a safe platform to help you through it. Do take the time to read at least some of the recommended reading put forward by other posters.

You have clearly been together a long time with your eldest being 10. It's a challenge to come to terms with a big life change. To be kind to yourself and try to focus on your needs for once.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 19:02

Thank you @Sicario he has told me he is going to leave....I feel sick, don't know what to say to the kids. We can't seem to have a civilised conversation anymore so don't know how we will sort out the children's arrangements or anything

OP posts:
waytheleaveswork · 26/04/2020 19:08

I wonder if you may feel a sense of relief if he leaves @tulip55

Life is too short to live in fear of someone else.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 26/04/2020 19:19

Yes I will. He's been upstairs for 2 days...did come down to go for a walk but hasn't talked to me apart from messages he has sent saying hes leaving. But I still feel like it's all my fault and I need to hold it together for the kids so I'm trying not to cry.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 26/04/2020 19:47

Tulip55 - it's not 'all your fault'. At worst, it would only be 50% your fault, but it sounds as though it's not even that much. He's an angry man who is bad at communication and has no affection for you yet feels entitled to sex.

You and your kids don't deserve that. Let him leave. In fact, why not ask him when he's going?