Is this just too distasteful?

[4tplussome]

Before I'm jumped on I'm thinking yes it is

I'm late 40s . I don't look my age by any stretch but I am late forties none the less.

I'm single, and on some kind line dating sites .

Had a few dates - nothing special. I'm happy alone tbh .

On one site a very young man has been messaging me. Now I'm not stupid at all - I know he's probably on some top trumps competition for a cougar or something.....but he is very persistent and I actually feel a bit of a connection. I've had loads of young men message and I've dismissed them all . Except this one . He is younger than my kids and I'm thinking just no.....
Yet he seems very clear about what he wants and is quite refreshing. I've been chatting. I should block shouldn't I? I feel like I should be in some register somewhere just for talking to him....

@4tplussome 'I think we're both treating it as a bit of fun'

In my opinion, if that's all it is, then go for it. I'd suggest being mindful in case it becomes serious. I'm speaking from experience here. As a younger man (in my mid-late twenties) I became involved with a woman who was in her mid forties. I was infatuated and so was she. The emotional and physical connection was insane! She was always self-conscious about the age gap and worried about what everyone was thinking. Ultimately we stopped seeing each other because of this, and also because of the fact that starting a family together wouldn't have been on the cards...

If you're treating this as a bit of fun you're descriptions sound anything but. It's Incredibly intense and over the top, the number of times you refer to him as beautiful is coming across as gross and creepy. Also if it's so great and carefree why are you continuing to seek validation on this thread?

So when can you meet? Can you arrange a socially distanced date at the park? Each of you could bring a mini-picnic and just sit and talk.

I had a younger lover once. He was 25 , I was 48. Was hot, milf thing a big fantasy for young men.

The ONLY thing that would worry me is if he would be shit in bed after all this. Anyone can talk the talk but he hasn't had much life experience

Other than that, loving this thread. I'm all for it. Very very funny how worked up some of you are getting though 🤣

he's a bit cheeky and seems very confident

Sounds like my 20 year old nephew and his friends. Sorry but it’s grim to date/shag a 22 year old when you’re in your late 40s. It will be a game to him, something to tick off his list. I suppose it depends on whether you’re up for being that.

I also don’t believe someone late 40s can look 33, I’m sure you look great but not 33.

nepptune

I wonder if you could reassure the people on here that think I'm disgusting that it didnt have a terrible detrimental impact and traumatise you for life ?

And mamma thanks for the support x

I assure the rest of you who have outraged that no young men have been harmed in the making of this thread .

(Yet)
(Joking !!)

I would be very interested to see a thread with the following comments from a 48 year old man about a 21 year old woman:

I feel I should be in some register

I think my woman* is actually rather skilled! We have discussed our past .

*
She certainly talks like she knows what she is doing *
*
no young women *have been harmed in the making of this thread .

(Yet)
(Joking !!)*

In the beginning I felt that it was probably a bad idea to go there - he never made me feel uncomfortable about it but I was worried about what people would think, and as shown on this thread with good reason.

I am in no way taking advantage of a minor - he is an adult . I'm an adult. As far as I can feel we both have all our faculties.

Who are we hurting?

Perhaps he's genuine, or is he actually older, or doing it for a joke, or does he want to get his feet under the door or is he searching for vulnerable females with children ... ?

And what about you, I think in the Netherlands, there is some sort of rule about the age gap however old which I think is 8 years ... it seems hard and a little bit unhealthy to contemplate liking someone in that way who could be your child or nearly grandchild.

So I'm either a predator or a vulnerable female .

And he is either lying, doing it for a joke or equally predatory.

What if neither of us is any one of those things. What if it's just evolved over a period of time from polite chats to swapping ideas, banter, realising we have a lot more in common that I imagined and a mutual attraction, which we haven't acted on .

We will meet up when lockdown allows . At the moment we are at different ends of the country so we will no doubt continue to message, phone and face time .

And someone asked how I'd feel if my children were dating a much older woman / man ....
I would keep my mouth shut and accept they are adults, with every right to make their own decisions.

@4tplussome

No, it didn't have a detrimental effect on me. I have always been emotionally intelligent, and deep down I knew and had accepted that it could never have been a long term relationship. My only advice would be to be mindful of his feelings as you go along. I know it's early days, but it doesn't hurt to think ahead. How would you feel, going forward, if he wants children of his own? Would you be prepared to try for children in your 50s? This wasn't an issue I had with the older woman that I was with... back then I knew that I never wanted children and she had no children and no desire for any. My mind changed long after I'd stop seeing her. I'm now early thirties and I'd be kicking myself if I were still with her!

So I'm either a predator or a vulnerable female

I think it’s pretty grim but I don’t think you’re predatory or vulnerable. I think you want to feel like you can still attract a young guy to feel good about yourself now that you are getting older. If I felt this way, I’d feel I had a problem and question why I needed to attract someone younger than my children to do it. It’s better to embrace your own time of life and do that with people of your own generation I think.

And he is either lying, doing it for a joke or equally predatory.

It will be some kind of game or thrill for him to have shagged an older woman. It will just be something he’s spending his time doing at the moment.

If you’re happy with that though, then no laws are being broken and you can do what you like. I’m 40 with teenage kids, I’d expect my kids to think I was having some kind of problem if I did this in a few years. I can’t imagine ever being attracted enough to someone of my sons age to want to sleep with them.

I think people are being extreme but I do think you're going to end up getting your heart broken OP, as you sound so so so much more invested than you think you do (on here - of course I don't know how you sound to him obviously) so go carefully.

You are saying it's just a bit of fun but waxing lyrical in a very intense way as if you've met 'the one' so just be mindful of your own expectations of this and honest with yourself.

Hopefully you don't get hurt in the process

Wherever have I said he the one

It's fun. I am genuinely not viewing this as a long term relationship. He has lifted my spirits, my confidence and he happens to be lovely. I'm just enjoying it for what it is right now . I think if I stared to have "feelings" I'd stop.

The reality is what it is, I'm not delusional.
And I wouldn't want to stop someone living to their full potential, marriage , kids, he couldn't have any of that with me .

And it's
Not an ego thing either ! I've had several dates with perfectly lovely attractive men ranging from 38 to 54. There was just no chemistry. I didn't want to continue to talk or see them again.

I had initially told this man no - too young . But the more we chatted the more I realised there was some chemistry. I don't want a long term relationship. I'm alone and happy alone . But my last relationship was difficult- tons of chemistry and spark, but he didn't like me - he felt embarrassed by me , he was very superior and haughty . Older than me . Deaf. Going bald. Nice body tho...but mean, treated me with disdain a lot of the time .
So I said no to another relationship. I like dating. If I met "the one" fabulous. But I'm not out for that.

Blimey OP you're ever so argumentative!

You didn't literally say he's "the one" so I'm not sure why you're asking me to point out where you did... quite clearly said you're writing as if you feel that way:

You are saying it's just a bit of fun but waxing lyrical in a very intense way as if you've met 'the one' so just be mindful of your own expectations of this and honest with yourself.

My post was meant with kindness but you respond to everyone so snarkily.

Read my post back - do you think I was being harsh or judgemental?

Life's short, don't be so quick to assume everyone is having a go at you or quick to snap back at perceived criticism that is in fact advice...

Dont date him.
But...
Have some fun. Theres nothing wrong with that at all and you're not hurting anyone!
Enjoy it.

You do sound ever such hard work - if it's going well and you're enjoying it that's great. You don't need to keep justifying it or combating anyone's thoughts of concern with a war and peace essay about why they are wrong. You started a thread, people aren't coming into your living room and just having a go at you out of the blue! Relax, enjoy, smile

Blimey OP you're ever so argumentative!

Meanwhile NN posters never are .

And op responding to people's points (quite often attacks) is her being argumentative of course.

(When will we ever get a roll eye emoji, hmm just doesn't do it).

And op responding to people's points (quite often attacks) is her being argumentative of course.

My post clearly wasn't an attack, that was my point.

OP, if you’re so confident you’re doing the right thing, just get on with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Attention seeking.

Op. It doesn't sound like an ego boost. But you do sound smitten. Be very very careful. I'm in my 30s and lovebombed by a 22 year old for months. I was only looking for very casual so wasn't that bothered. But some men love the chase. I finally agreed to meet him. It was great. But despite everything he'd said I never heard from him again.

Go into it assuming it's a one off would be my advice

Bun

I'm really not being snarky at all, and I'm not saying you're we're attacking me but if you read some of the other comments on here I've been called predatory, grim , ick, disgusting, vulnerable, sick, delusional, vain, etc etc etc.
All for having the audacity to still be a fairly attractive woman in her 40s and contemplate seeing a man who is very much a man, not a boy, whose conversation and company I like the sound of.

I'm not unreasonable, or snarky, I'm not attacking anyone, although if you read there have been some very unpleasant comments about me .
I've even said at one point that I didn't want another poster to get into a fight over it when they were in support. I do worry very much about what people think. I wouldn't like it if I thought this is how people who know me would be thinking. I asked here to try and gauge reaction. I'm not particularly secure , and I've only just begun to accept the fact I do look ok and accept compliments for what they are . I don't think I can really win whatever I say though. He definitely looks late 20s . After canvassing opinions from colleagues who don't know my age it seems I look between 35 and 38. So I don't and aren't going to look like his mother.