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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship is going to end over a dog

170 replies

Apixiee · 25/04/2020 17:47

DP and I have been together around 6 mths. By my own admission I am not a dog person. I don't hate them, but I choose not to own one. I understand the bond that exists between humans and their pets but for me I just don't feel affectionate towards animals.

DP has a dog who is his whole world. The dog is also completely undisciplined and bad mannered.

  • He barks at any kind of noise. Throws himself at doors if someone walks out of a room and closes the door and then bites and starts shaking around the first thing he comes across
  • You can't touch him unless he wants you to. He has bitten multiple people who've put their hands down to stroke him
  • He steals food from hands/plates. I was starving the other day and made some breakfast. Stupidly put it down on the sofa and the dog just walked up and took it. DP thought it was hilarious and just 'what dogs do'
  • He lets the dog sleep on his bed. I don't want a dog on my bed so banned him after the first few times when he growled and went for my feet in the night when I moved. DP sulks about the dog being downstairs on his own and puts the TV on for him and goes down to 'check on him' constantly
  • He literally has no commands at all. Does not take a blind bit of notice of anyone or anything, even DP. He doesn't sit, come, lay down or go to his bed. Can't use a crate as DP says its cruel.
  • We were in the garden and playing cricket. Dog just constantly goes for the ball and runs off with it. I suggested putting him on a long line, DP looked at me like I had suggested running him over. DP wasn't here and I put him on a long line, in the shade with water so I could cut the grass (he kept attacking the mower). DP picked him up and was giving him the old 'poor puppy' routine when he came back and found him tied up.

I cannot believe our relationship is going to end over a bloody dog. I cannot change the way DP feels, I can only change my reaction to it and I cannot live with a dog which causes so many issues. DP doesn't see the problem at all and is highly protective of the dog. He gets very defensive of any criticism of the dog and takes it personally. He says the dog has never been trainable and he isn't going to give him up so what solution is there?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 25/04/2020 19:30

Dog sounds horrendous to be around. I'd not have stuck it six months.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 25/04/2020 19:31

He sounds like a shit dog owner and a shit boyfriend. He's not acting in the dogs best interests and nor does he care enough about you to listen to your opinion.

saraclara · 25/04/2020 19:33

This dog bites. He rules the house and he rules his owner.
Yet there are people here who think it's totally reasonable for OPs boyfriend to choose to let his dog continue to bite, dominate and steal, over keeping his girlfriend.

I love dogs, but that's insane.

saraclara · 25/04/2020 19:34

@Letsdrinkgin she's not asking him to get rid of the dog. She's simply asking for him to control the dog a little IN HER OWN HOUSE.

Apixiee · 25/04/2020 19:36

Again, not asking him to get rid of the dog.

I’m asking him to attempt to train him and if he can’t do that then abide by a few household rules.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 25/04/2020 19:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

slipperywhensparticus · 25/04/2020 19:37

I couldn't stay with someone who wont train their dog untrained dogs are a fucking nightmare

Chillipeanuts · 25/04/2020 19:37

Can’t comment on your relationship but that’s a very badly behaved dog who’s clearly never been trained.
Would make me think the owner was probably sloppy about other things generally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2020 19:38

He doesn't want to. And so that's that.

Chinks123 · 25/04/2020 19:45

You’ve done well to last 6 months op!! The dog sounds like a nightmare, which as you’ve pointed out, is the fault of your dp not the dog, but sadly I couldn’t put up with that.

Ex got a dog when we’d already been together a few years, so it’s different, but it was an absolute disaster. He didn’t walk it, he didn’t train it, the poor dog became a pita because it didn’t listen, it barked, it jumped up at everyone and had to physically be dragged off people, it wouldn’t walk on a lead etc etc etc Angry It wasn’t the dog I was mad at, in fact I felt so sorry for it. But I ended the relationship. It crapped in the house because he couldn’t be bothered to clean up after it, and I just knew he’d be a lazy father and it put me off him.

Your dp has had the dog a long time, clearly adores it which is lovely. Obviously as you’ve said you don’t want the dog to go, and if he doesn’t want to try and train (might be difficult at 8) then I’d leave. Don’t underestimate how badly an untrained dog can affect your life and relationship, by the end of mine I was absolutely miserable.

catwithflowers · 25/04/2020 19:46

I am a huge dog lover and have a fabulous and pretty well trained dog. I would say you should end this relationship now because a) you don’t like dogs and b) your boyfriend hasn’t bothered to train this poor dog at all. You don’t sound compatible 🤷‍♀️

A well trained dog is a joy, a poorly trained dog can be a nightmare. I speak as someone who had a dog and entered into a relationship, now a marriage, with someone who never wanted a dog but learned to love her to bits mainly because she is properly trained and very affectionate (and because she now loves him more than me 💕🤣)

BackseatCookers · 25/04/2020 19:48

He's a shit dog owner, poor dog could end up biting someone because he couldn't be arsed to train it properly and be put down.

You're not compatible, why would you be trying so hard to make it work when he doesn't want to?

You've asked him something reasonable but it's not possible because the dog is so badly trained.

So it's over 🤷🏻‍♀️

Chinks123 · 25/04/2020 19:48

Couldn’t be bothered to take the dog out I mean to do it’s business. Although he also couldn’t be bothered to clean dog mess up even when it was in the house! I’d come in to a pile of dog mess on the carpet, stank to high heaven, he’d be sat eating his tea and say “I know I’ll do it in a minute”

Your dp probably feels like an angel after reading this, Jesus I’d forgotten how bad he was..I need a glass of wine to calm down.

Gil55 · 25/04/2020 19:52

I would choose my dog first - every time!

sanityisamyth · 25/04/2020 19:55

@mrsterrypratchett Putting breakfast on a sofa with a dog in the house? Really?

I had a lovely Labrador x retriever who I would trust with leaving any food out anywhere. Dogs can be trained to not steal food.

RyvitaBrevis · 25/04/2020 19:57

JRTs don’t retrieve and return a ball the way, say, a golden retriever would, do they? I’m not completely surprised he wants to hang on to it.... Sorry, missing the point a little. Your DP sounds very immature in how he has treated the dog, and you don’t seem compatible. Good you’ve realised that now and not later.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2020 19:57

Leave him - he is not a keeper.

To all those instantly jumping in to say ooooh the dog would come first... the way I see it, the main reason I'd walk away from a joker like this is precisely because he doesn't put his dog 'first' in any meaningful way... or even care for it adequately. I absolutely HATE so-called dog owners like this - lazy, selfish, see their dog as literally something to be entertained by and fawn over but they're not willing to put in one single second of hard work to make that dog secure, socialised, happy or safe.

Poor dog. Under-socialised, frustrated, barky, aggressive, probably doesn't know whether it's coming or going with either other dogs or people as it's never been trained properly. With an owner who thinks loving a dog is fussing and sloppy kisses and getting all twattily 'protective' and defensive even when that dog - because he's made sure the poor thing knows no better - actually bites someone.

The kind of shit for brains 'owner' who would be there in floods of tears at the vet's the day his dog has to be put down because it's scarred a child for life. Yep, dogs first every time, wahey! What a guy, putting his dog first! How dare you, OP, come in and be nasty to poor doggy woggy by trying to set boundaries and treat the dog responsibly...

I would get rid because the way this arse 'cares for' his poor dog tells you a lot about the kind of man he is. Full fuss on looking as if he's so caring and lovely but won't for a moment want the hard parts of loving - taking responsibility, making hard decisions. Wants to be the fun one, and turns a blind eye to when his 'fun' actually means unhappiness and inconvenience for someone else. Irresponsible, entitled, unreliable.

He'd be the same with your children. You've heard of a Disney dad - this is the Disney dog owner version!

So yes, dump him. Unfortunately his poor dog is stuck with him, but you aren't.

Oh and for a non-lover of dogs, what you've said so far shows you to be far more suitable as an owner of one than him!

littlefawn · 25/04/2020 19:59

YANBU
Years ago my DH and I talked about getting a dog, I was warned against beagles but he loved them and one day he brought one home, of course I stupidly thought she was so cute and we kept her. I ended up doing nearly all the work, scrubbing her yard, endlessly hoovering, brushing her, walking her, bathing her, feeding her.
I eventually gave DH loads of chances to do his share of the work which he didn't, wouldn't walk her, finally give him the ultimatum that she will have to be rehomed if he didn't do more... and I followed through, she was rehomed with a lovely family and as much as I felt terrible I felt even worse we hadn't considered just how much hard work dogs can be and I felt so guilty for not looking after her as well as I should have.
Tell him he has to train the dog, or the dog is not to come to your house, and follow through!

Windyatthebeach · 25/04/2020 19:59

I had a huge ddog when I met dh. He took her out alone. She took instructions from him. She respected him. No issues at all.
Your bf thinks he looks The Business having a highly reactive ddog imo..
He isn't a decent bloke.
Dump him for that.

fourquenelles · 25/04/2020 19:59

In my view, your DP's laissez faire attitude towards training his dog reflects his general personality and is not attractive. As others have said, it's not the poor dog, it's his shitty owner. I speak as the owner of 3 large dogs who are adorable but know how to behave and relish having the security of boundaries.

AnotherEmma · 25/04/2020 20:00

YANBU
Your boyfriend is a very irresponsible dog owner.
Definitely end the relationship and thank yourself lucky that the dog has allowed you to gain such clear insight into his flaws so early on. He would probably make a terrible father and without the dog you wouldn't have discovered it until it was too late.

AnotherEmma · 25/04/2020 20:00

*think yourself lucky

HotCrossBungle · 25/04/2020 20:00

Well you shouldn't ask him to choose between the two of you - you've been in a relationship with him for a nano second and he had the dog first. Your DP has done the dog wrong by not training him properly. The dog bites and nothing is done? No way would I be continuing a relationship with this man - if it gets serious and I did come in to the equation? Fuck that. I'd get out now. Honestly there are plenty of other men out there.

HotCrossBungle · 25/04/2020 20:02

Meant to say if it gets serious and kids come into the equation

fourquenelles · 25/04/2020 20:02

Or what @FizzyGreenWater said to the letter!