My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :(

[JuatWantAdvice506]

Hello, seeking some advice. I feel lost.
My 9 year old daughter is amazing at school, as far as we know she gets on with her work and plays well with her friends.
But at home, it's like a whole different child.

She can be amazing and lovely and so funny. But even before lockdown, she had moments of lashing out but since lockdown it's been everyday.
Me and dp have been punched, kicked in the knees, she pulls her fists up at us, she punches me in the head multiple times,
She will hold us down and swing her hands around our necks like a monkey. When we try and get her off us or move her hands away to stop her punching us, she claims we hurt her and that she'll tell school, when we don't.
I just dont know what to do :( i filmed her backlash tonight which resulted in her trying to snatch my phone and try and hide it. I just feel like a useless mum and i broke down crying as she was punching me in the head the other day.
They happen for no reason as far as I see. Afterwards, I sit her down and tell her i love her and ask why she has done this and she said she doesn't know. We've tried to find other solutions like drawing, writing, punching pillows, behaviour charts, but she just always resorts to being violent.
She ripped the behaviour chart off the wall, she's smashed about 3 tablets by throwing them in a temper.

I just dont understand. Her sister is 7 and doesnt behave this way. Me and dp hardly fight and if we did, we'd never be violent to each other. It's getting us both down.
Any tips? And thank you in advance!

Please do as I did ask your GP to refer your child to CAMHS because you would like your child to have an ados test. Book a double appointment explain childs behaviour to GP. Good luck keep being strong. X

NVR is non violent restraint

I teach a teen who has OCD. She is quiet, hardworking and you'd never know at school. However, when she gets home, it all comes out; the strain of keeping it under control all day and she just lets fly at home. Wonder if it could be something similar.

I work with children with special needs, so I'm not sure if this is helpful or not.

Some things that tend to trigger different behaviours at home can be trauma and autism, (as school is a very structured place and homes are not) anxiety and learning difficulties.

With the people that I work with, I always right down triggers or behaviour before, the bad behaviour and the consequences. With this I try and work out a patten, and find reasons why the behaviour is happening.

I also find kids are much better behaved when the adults display the same rules and boundaries, as it makes the kids feel more secure.

I think you need to find support, but it's going to be hard with the lockdown :(
Good luck

It isn't actually, @Bookoffacts. It's non-violent resistance.

I teach a teen who has OCD. She is quiet, hardworking and you'd never know at school. However, when she gets home, it all comes out; the strain of keeping it under control all day and she just lets fly at home. Wonder if it could be something similar.

This - home is meant to be a safe space - my son explodes at me because I'm the closest person to him - your young child hasn't the words to express herself so her behaviour is reflecting the torment she is feeling - please listen

She sounds like my DD’s friend. Academically really able, fun, funny, musical at school, teacher’s pet, really good student. At home, she would have rages, rip up books, attack her sister and parents. She was diagnosed with autism at about your DD’s age. Girls tend to mask really well all day at school, then everything comes pouring out at home.

She smashed one of her tablets, the next day he ordered her one for next day delivery

And therein lies the cause. You are giving her mixed messages. You're crying when she hurts you, and telling her you love her. She knows she's in control of you both!
You both need to do a Triple P parenting course instead of labelling her as having a problem. If you speak to your GP they can signpost you down this route, but if your DH is not in agreement and does not follow the advice, your DD doesn't stand a chance of improving.
She most likely behaves well in school because she clearly knows the boundaries and consequences.

I would add that she ma well indeed have ASD, but the behaviours still need to be managed, not excused. Consistency is key.

My daughter is a model student at school. At home she swears at us and hits, kicks, punches and slaps her brother. We got help. Initially we saw her GP and then had a referral. We have a social worker, family support worker and behaviour inteterventionist who works with us as a family. My husband and I also sought counselling to deal with her behaviour and my son attends a sibling group. We are in Canada so not sure of the support there.

Together we have devised ways of helping her. Anxiety is a big one for her. She has medication which helps. She also has her own various coping strategies. We have a reward chart with points and age appropriate awards she can earn.

Kids like this often see us as their safe space and lash out at us. You need to push for an assessment. It is not normal behaviour. You need to seek help.

I understand it is really difficult to live with a child like this. When my husband and I are not on the same side, it is the cause of pretty much all our arguments. She plays us off against each other.

My daughter refuses to go to her room too. I now tend to leave the room and sometimes even go to my own room and take my son.

A child like this is not neurotypical so traditional 'punishments' do not work the same way.

I'm not qualified to diagnose what is going on with your DD.
However I do think you and your DH need to be on the same page, parenting style-wise.
You both need to be absolutely consistent and have the same rules. Then she can't play you off against each other.

I have the book Magic 123 and I will post it to you, if you want. It is excellent. Teaches both parents and siblings what the new plan is. Gives briefings of behaviour and standards from the child with the issue.

Used consistently you should get good results.

And yes the bad behaviour absolutely could be attention seeking as her sister has extra needs of some kind. What is the age gap between them? Think back to DD2 as a baby, and maybe the behaviour started then? And now it's an awful habit?

I don't know, but definitely push for a GP referral to someone who does.
Best of luck, as you cant continue to live like this.

I'm autistic and your dd sounds just like me when I was young. I managed to hold most of it in at school.

I was diagnosed with autism as an adult.

I do think you need to see your GP and talk to the school about her. Whether or not there is something diagnosable, she clearly has some problems managing her emotional reactions and she needs some help with that. You need some help to parent her in a way that helps her.

Please ignore the posts that suggest punishments. No child has ever been punished into developing emotional maturity. It's not good enough to get her to bottle her emotions up so she can manage her reactions, that is probably what she is doing at school. If you force her into doing that at home, she will explode somewhere else.

Another vote here for reading The Explosive Child. There's a few videos and information on the website. There is also a fantastic Facebook group to support parents using this method. It is all about teaching your child to manage their own behaviour rather than the parent trying to control it.

I would also recommend a book A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting. It's aimed at foster and adoptive parents but it is one of the best books I have read to help you understand a distressed child and help them manage their behaviour. It's in a really easy to read A-Z format.

‘Can You See Me?’ by Rebecca Westcott is a good book about girls with autism; have a read and see if any of it sounds like it could apply.

Certainly I’ve heard lots of parents of children with autism say that they can display one behaviour at home and another in school.

No child has ever been punished into developing emotional maturity

Really agree with this!

When she goes to hit you grab her arms and take her to her bedroom. Seriously tell her off sternly and say if you do that again I will remove your toys. Each time she does it take something of hers away . You need to be firm as she will get bigger and stronger! If she knows there are repercussions then she will think twice.

@nicky7654

Please stop posting bollox

@OnlyToWin

Me too - the level of ignorance shown on this thread is staggering

@soontobe60 Yes spot on !!

I’m linking a page on the PDA website, not because I’m armchair diagnosing but because it’s a useful tool to work out what’s triggering the behaviour.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/understanding-behaviours/

Sensory diet is also worth looking into. It could be not enough sensory input.

More physical activity. More sensory input. Regular drinks and snacks. Put all the stuff in consistently and track track track.

nicky7654, do try those tactics on a child with something like pathological demand avoidance and come back and tell us how you get on.

Clue: it will make it ten times worse.

I am thinking autism too OP.

I’m going through something similar with one of my DC.

It’s deeply unpleasant for everyone. Go to the GP.

@nicky7654, autism and PDA are recognised disabilities. Think about using your methods on a child in a wheelchair. Child won't stand up when told? Tell her off sternly and say "if you don't stand when I tell you to, I will remove your toys." Each time she disobeys, take something of hers away . You need to be firm as she will get bigger and stronger! If she knows there are repercussions then she will think twice.

Do you think those tactics would work? Do you think they're even acceptable? It's no different from what you are suggesting for children disabled by virtue of autism and similar difficulties.

The parents are