Ex has reported me to social services

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

I have an 8yo I wouldn’t leave him home alone either Sorry
Let alone a 6yo

How old were they when you started leaving them alone op?

Would you be happy if your Ex left your children alone to go for a run?

More children are injured in their own homes than outside of them. The familiar surroundings contribute to the lowering of their ability to risk asses.

I wouldnt leave a 6 year old, possibly an 8 year old if it was a very quick trip for something essential from the shop and said shop was close sne 8 year old knows how to use a phone.

I don't think you deserve the kicking you're getting on here though, you've said you thought this was the norm and I can kind of see why you might think this especially if you see other children the same age and younger roaming around on their own. you've said you will take the advice of the social services, I'm not sure what other posters expect you to do or are gaining from continuing to go in

All these ridiculous people talking about how they roamed free in the 1970s need to realise that it's not the 1970s. There were pedophiles, murderers and rapists then but now we have more drug and alcohol abuse and access to pornography so we have more acts of violence and sexual abuse against children.

I also think its interesting people saying "would you be happy if ex done this" like your ex has been any kind of parent at all by the sounds of it let alone a good one - like he really cares for his kids and isnt doing this to get one up on you

Just to add OP while I wouldn't do this, it was certainly acceptable in the past. I'm sure my parents - definitely my dad, used to do this (I actually hated it as he'd just pop out without saying anything or letting us know when he'd be back and it made me anxious).

Mine are 5 years apart so absolutely no chance I'd have left them alone while the elder was 8, obviously.
Even now he's 12, I still wouldn't leave them alone for more than half an hour, because it's too risky.

I know you've said it's only 20 minutes but at 8 and 6, that's too long and is, I'm afraid, irresponsible.

I expect the SS will tell you that and expect that you won't do it again. I doubt much else will happen at this stage but if you're caught again you run far more risk of more serious consequences.

I can see from your responses that you've taken some of it on board but I do think you should look at it more from the point of view of leaving your 8yo with the responsibility of dealing with the 6yo, and understand that that really isn't on.

The community feeling safe doesn’t mean your kids are. Everywhere feels safe until something happens.
And I’m not being dramatic and saying your child will be snatched off the street and murdered. Being hit by a car, chased by a dog, falling out of a tree, getting onto a building site, being bullied by other kids etc etc.
There are lots of situations in which a child of that age needs a parent.

Sorry but I wouldn’t leave my 9&11 yr old. You put your needs before them. In 20 mins one of them could have cut themselves, choked, fallen down the stairs, decided to run a bath etc.

I have a 6 and an 8 year old, who are both fairly responsible and trustworthy.....but I would not leave them in the house alone for 20 mins, sorry!

Take the kids to the park with a football or bikes for half an hour. Run while they play where you can see them.

Would I "leave" my 6 & 8 year olds in front of the telly whilst I was elsewhere in the house having a shower, working, on a skype call etc, yes of course because they are in ear shot.

Would I leave them alone to go out, do something completely unnecessary and selfish whilst at the same time being neglectful of their safety? No.

I can only imagine your ex's reaction and he was absolutely right. Can you imagine a mum coming on here and saying she'd just bumped into her ex having a jog around whilst he's meant to be caring for their two under tens?!

Peanutbuttermouth - I think provided you are honest with SS, can show that your children are generally healthy, happy and have secure attachment to you, and that you are open to being told that you may have made the wrong call, then you shouldn’t have much to worry about. Just give your side of the story and explain why you thought your behaviour was reasonable. They won’t be coming in all guns blazing, entirely on your dh’s side - just coming to find out what’s going on, whether your children are safe and otherwise well cared for, whether you are coping OK, whether you need any support.

Get a skipping rope. I skip in the lounge.
Social services wont take them away for this one incident. You cant keep doing it though.

You ex sounds like a cunt but that’s by the by. If you continue with this nonsense you’re just asking for an accident. It’s waiting to happen! SS probably wont do anything about the report but you can bet your bottom dollar they will be all over you if more like when something happens to your children and by then it could well be too late for any help to support you making decent choices.

You can do a parenting course off your own back. You don’t need intervention to take the initiative here.

Just read your update about the park and I think that's even worse!! I live in a very safe village and I still wouldn't let them go to the park without me. It actually makes me feel a bit sick to think of what could happen!

Where do you live that's so safe?

Shocked that you allow your 6 year old to the park without you.
I think 8 and 6 is too young to be left alone, it may have been 20 minutes but what if you injured yourself whilst out? I don’t think I left dd1 until she was 10 or 11, dd2 much older as she has sn’s (when I do leave her now her sister is with her, she’s now 16).

I do know someone who had social services on their back due to her letting her ds go out alone when he was 8 (he was out all day one day), obviously there were other things going on in the home and her kids were taken into care after her ds was injured/assaulted whilst playing in the park.

I think your ex was right to be concerned but maybe he should do more to help/see them so you can get time to go for a run?

Sorry but I agree with the general consensus here, your children are far too young for you to be leaving them alone for 20 minutes, anything could happen. I wouldn't leave a six yr old for more than five minutes to be honest.

I have left my 10 year old alone for 20 minutes and 10 and 7 year old together for 15-20 minutes. Not sure I would do that every evening though - they are prone to squabbling. When they were 8 and 6 I wouldn't have left them. Too much responsibility for the 8 year old to manage.

Do an exercise video OP.

You really can’t leave a 6 or 8 year old home alone, they’re also too young to be going to the park. I would report any leaving children of that age alone.

Your ex not staying sat on your door step isn’t the problem, he (and any parent) should be able to trust that an adult caring for a child isn’t neglecting their safety.

I’m a lone parent, there is not other parent, there never has been, the one person who babysat him once a month moved away in January. I love running, the gym etc. I only run/go to the gym without him if he is being appropriately cared for, during normal times this is during his rugby tots, dance lesson or 1:1 swim lesson. Otherwise any exercise is done while supervising him, whether that’s in the flat, or at the park.

*Other adults know them

Kids are more likely to be harmed by people they know and trust than strangers, so bear that in mind. I just dont think it's worth risking it just so you can go for a run or avoid going to the park.

Does nobody else ever leave their children in the house?

Never at that age. Far too young.

Re going to the park alone. Me and my siblings were always chucked locked out of the house as small kids (as little as a year old with older ones) in the 80s/90s. When I think back now it is a bloody miracle nothing happened to us. As a parent, the memories make my hairs stand on end. Dodgy adults hanging about where we were, cars that very nearly hit us, falling off and out of things, times we got lost even in the local area. One time I fell unwell, I can’t remember how I managed to make it to a friends house for help. We never knew it then because our parents obviously thought it was ok but now I see how close we came to all sorts of trouble. I also now know that SS really should have been heavily involved with our family but never had the opportunity to be.