Ex has reported me to social services

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

*where do you go with boundaries when they are 10,12,14?

If they are used to being fully independent now then you gave no chance when they are teens*

@leflic I'd sort of thought of this in the opposite way. If they are used to having some responsibility and being trusted then what would they have to rebel against as teens? I'm interested in the other side of this though.

what a load of twoddle I just wrote! obviously I meant the 16 year old babysat the 10 year old not the other way around!

I’m sure everything will be okay app. Just learn from it, explain to SS and move on. This also comes from the sort of upbringing you had too, were you left on your own from time to time? I know I was, from age 7 my mum would leave me at home with my brother who was 13. She’d go and work from 6pm to 12-1am. I’m not saying it’s right of course it’s not. But sometimes things like this need to happen to re-access the way you work. Sounds like your doing this. You’ll be fine

@JinglingHellsBells

Could you answer my question re why you only “almost” reported the local family who left a 14 year old alone for a week?

It's really not about being independent.

It's about being there so your child is safely cared for at an age when they cannot be left alone in case an accident occurs.

OP you don't seem to have engaged at all with the possible tragic scenarios that could happen.

You seem to be oblivious to the word 'accident' and assume your children's behaviour is predictable.

I'm going to guess that most people responding don't have 100% sole residency of their children with no support?

This isn't the point. Whether people have 10 nannies or 0 support is not the issue.

You were totally wrong to do it and if you don't acknowledge this and change your thinking, you may well have SS keeping you on their radar.

My primary school headteacher would call what you've been doing -a form of neglect. Leaving a 6 year old and an 8 year old to fend for themselves at home and especially leaving them alone at local parks is neglectful behaviour. We'd be required to report it if we knew this was happening. Quite irresponsible. And completely unfair to the 8 year old if something happened to the 6 year old on the 8 year old's 'watch' ... a position they shouldn't be in in the first place.

Your ex may be an abusive dick, but that doesn't excuse neglect on your part, however low level.

If I knew a 14 year old had been left alone for a week I'd probably call the parents and offer for him to stay with me. My first thought wouldn't be to report to ss.

* If I knew a 14 year old had been left alone for a week I'd probably call the parents and offer for him to stay with me*

Even if you didn’t know the child? Had just been made aware he was alone?!

My kids had penknives for their 8th birthdays, slept in their own tent (near mine) when camping from about 10, walked alone to school (round 3 corners 'round the block, no road to cross, very short walk) from about 8.

Left 8 year old alone while I walked his friend across the road / 30m away home after coming to play.

Let them go into central London on the bus from 11 / 12.

But leave a 6 year old at home for 20 mins with an 8 year old? No way.

Also, my kids weren't allowed out with expensive kit like GPS watches and phones. Too much risk of getting mugged / robbed by older kids.

Someone on MN once said something that made sense to me:
If you feel you are taking a risk but it is for the child's benefit, it is probably part of letting them spread their wings and grow. If you take a risk that is for your benefit - don't do it.

I know it is really tough being in lockdown, but a child choking is even tougher. It takes kids so little to start squabbling. It takes so little for squabbling kids to have an accident. etc, etc.

Good luck - I am sure SS will not whisk your kids away. Talk openly about what you need.

But I would not leave an 8 year old

Having had social services involved for a few months after I left an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have huge hopes that they will be helpful. My advice would just be do whatever they tell you to do. I would say it's unlikely to result in any significant action being taken from my experience but it depends on the social worker you get allocated.

I am still a single mum, 6 years on. My girls are now 10 and 12 (Year 6 and Year 7) and pretty independent: they can get the bus home from school together, look after themselves for a couple of hours after school, stay home while I go shopping etc. However at the age of 6 and 8, I wouldn't have left them for 20 minutes or let them go to the park. I do think context matters though - if you live somewhere where 'the community' looks out for each other, it's probably safer. But I would still come down on the side of 6 and 8 being too young. I started leaving my two alone for brief periods about two years ago, i.e. when they were 8 and 10.

It wasn't a good idea tbh. And I wouldn't have done it.
But, as a LP of a decade who only gets a rest when I've had an anaesthetic I can totally understand why you ran. Mine are older and I have been leaving them to go running.
You should ask SS to fund a treadmill. Cheaper than them keeping in touch with you, keeps your cardio strength up, and saves the nhs money, problem solved .

How horrible to give an 8 year old child that level of responsibility. Can't you see how unfair that is of you OP?

I meant if I knew the child @bringringbring12

So why did you? If you were that worried then your children weren’t ready

Because I realised that it was my anxiety causing my imagination to run riot, not that either of them were at risk.

I did and I still would.

You have my sympathy OP. The requirements for child supervision on mumsnet are extremely high. I'm another generation and we were never supervised as careful in my day.

I have 8 and 6 year olds and wouldn't leave them totally alone. I'd leave them with DH working in his office - so essentially they're entertaining themselves (I would usually set up a film or game I know will keep them occupied). They're reasonably responsible and can grab themselves a drink if needed etc 99.5% of the time they have no need for DH but if something did happen - one went to the toilet, slipped and bashed their heaf for example, there's another adult in the house who can step in immediately.

You do seem to need a parenting course, OP. Think about the problems that could occur if you invited a 14 year old boy to live in your house. What if he decided that you fancied him and told all his mates you are a paedo? What if he decided to bully your younger children? What if he stole an item of yours or wouldn't listen to you. How would you discipline him if you found him smoking in his bedroom? You seem to have no sense of risk and as your children get older these issues will arise more.

And if you didn’t know the child OP?

The gps watch and phone are basic and cheap. Like a tenner each. I doubt they'll get mugged for them!

My community feels safe and people know each other and look out for each other. The park is surrounded by houses that have adults sitting out in the front. The pcso patrols regularly. I may be naive about county lines etc but we're not in a city.

Anyway the conversation I have with ss will be different to the one on here. I will ask for clarification on the nspcc guidelines and then I will follow what they tell me. I might sound defensive but I've just been trying to answer questions honestly and have been surprised at responses.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but it’s wrong to leave little kids aged 6 and 8 alone whilst you go out jogging.

There is a lot of exaggerated over-protectiveness and hand-wringing over gradual introduction of independence on MN, but I wouldn't leave a 6yo and 8yo alone, even though I live in a country where some people do do this. I first left my older two together aged 10 and very nearly 8. About 8 was when they started walking places (e.g. to school, partway at first) alone, too. But they certainly wouldn't have been going alone to a park at that age.

I wouldn't mind doing a parenting course. I had an awful upbringing and have always struggled with knowing how to parent.

I think this plus the area you live is why you don't see anything wrong in what you did and have been doing.

If all the ppl around you send kids that age and younger out to play alone...it's normal behaviour for you.

We are all a product of our environment.