20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Limited you need to start your own thread with your post as the opening. Your life sounds awful.

@Limited
You are not stupid, you are a woman who knows she's married to a nasty bullying prick.

Keep a note of threats.
Make contact with 101 and flag your house as one where you are trying to get away from an awful man.

Read up on grey rocking and detach going forward.

Also get any support you can IRL.
Tell people what he's really like.

Be very proud of your plans👏👏

How old are your children treated?

Did you finish the hedge?

Have you heard of the JADE method for dealing with difficult people? The idea is around how you communicate with them, so you avoid falling into too many traps. When you talk to him make sure you avoid letting yourself:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

I expect you are JADEing in almost every conversation right now.

I worry about money and drastically altering their lifestyle

Invest in a v tough lawyer as they can easily tackle these threatening types - they have seen it all before and will be ready for his antics and tactics - your STBXH is not above the law and you will get a fair financial settlement. Legal fees come out of the communal pot and some parts can be left on account until assets are divided. I would research top lawyers now - I would have the initial conversations soon so that you are clear on timelines and have everything in place and can push the start button when you are ready. These things can take a good couple of years. As others have said any evidence or recall of financial abuse, coercive control - log it all.

Also be clear that you will be drastically altering your DCs lifestyle - for the better. You will be taking them out of a toxic, disrespectful, abusive environment - which they are absorbing, internalising and being emotionally injured by even if you can’t physically see it. This will impact them in the short term through their confidence and behaviour as children and will cripple them emotionally as adults - just like it has done to you.

So well done. Keep going. Do start another thread for support.

Anybody got any ideas, What's a funny and interesting quiz subject?

Sorry wrong post oops

The threat to leave is to keep you in line Limited - he is worried you will be scared of being abandoned and hop to whatever he wants. The trick is not to be scared of being abandoned but see it as your opportunity. You are doing the right thing in financial preparation and Gutterton is correct about legal advice. Even if you do not want to right now, you will be able to take decisions into your own hands because your life and well-being matters too. Good luck

@Treatedlikeamaid Are you being punished today for your disobedience yesterday? Is he extending it to the children too for extra punishment?

Thanks wondering about freedom programme online x

@lottiegarbanzo, my stbxh absolutely used to build jobs up and make them seem like something I couldn't hope to tackle e.g. anything like pressure washing the yard, building furniture etc. was the big man's job and mine was to keep the dc out of the way. Presumably all so I would feel like I needed him around as I was so useless. It turns out I can do an awful lot around the house just by having access to youtube. Anything else, I can hire a professional.

Steady on everythingbackbutyou, next you’ll be wanting to drive one of those new fangled motorcars.

Women - know your limits! :)

Stellar thread, Treatedlikeamaid, you come across as really articulate, intelligent and considerate, keep going with the positive thoughts about yourself and your business, you WILL get there!

Thank you also for the blog link which is helping to switch on a lot of lightbulbs here re messages installed during catholic childhood & current bullying manager at work who spouts almost all of the (incorrect as it turns out) bible references on an almost daily basis to push the blame for his actions onto his victims.

@BibiBlocksberg, I'm sure it won't surprise you in the least to discover how obstructive he was about me getting a car. A million different reasons why we couldn't afford it etc. He finally graciously allowed it but I really don't think he wanted me to have that freedom, while at the same time constantly making digs about feeling like a taxi driver. Which suited him fine, because he is eternally the victim.

Just read about the holiday. Imagine when you’re free from him, being able to choose your own holidays at a time when you want! It’ll be amazing

@LimitedWalksOnTheWildSide that sounds so hard. Maybe you could start a thread too when you’re ready.

Transfer the £1000 back. Yes it's abusive. If you do the finances he's unlikely to realise. If he does tell him you realised it was silly to do that for a 0% finance deal. I'd be tempted to say outright to him , "are you intending to take over all the financial work then? It would save me loads of time". Bet you he won't if it's put to him like that!

For me it seems like if he puts you down you’re less likely to be successfully if he can help it, which then means your confidence won’t grow and will be just as miserable as he is. Not what you need in general and not what you want when starting a business

He's awful, just utterly awful

I have to say, one thing from reading this thread becomes very clear - and that is why he is not successful in life, in his career. His ineptitude at organising anything and following through, and the fact that he only ever reacts and never acts, is lazy, disorganised, impulsive and I just bet he is simply incompetent as well. It runs through him like letters through a stick of rock, doesn't it...! Does he have friends at all? I would imagine he has very few, and only those that don't know him very well, those whom he can get away with pulling the wool over their eyes.

He really NEEDS you to use in order to feel better about himself, to blame for his (to him!) mysteriously unfair, lacklustre career. He must be terrified that you will see him for what he really is, so he has to keep you wrong-footed all the time. As long as you are kept in your role as the hopelessly incompetent one, he doesn't have to face himself. He has dedicated his life to trying to escape what he is, to bolster himself up by making you take the blame.

How utterly bloody exhausting it must be for you.

The good news is that you will never be able to unsee what you have seen. One day you will wake up and feel absolutely nothing for him other than a rather distant pity. You will be able to simply walk away.

Thanks all!
First, a massive hug Limited, that sounds awful. And it sounds amazing that you have managed to make such a clear plan, respect!
I’m not sure I am in a place to advise, but I can say that Being very very encouraging to yourself will help - saying things like,’well done I got the pots washed’ rather than, ‘oh I’m so stupid I can’t keep the kitchen clean’ throughout the day will have a knock on effect. - the part of your mind that wants to protect you from change will try to persuede you not to bother. But just accept that And try it anyway. really, its surprisingly effective and will helpe you learn to value yourself 🌺
Tork, JADE is a VERY good idea! Am like a scientist trying these new things and seeing the reaction!
Lubz you did make me lol, popping in and scampering out again!
Limited - what Katy says. What a nasty thing to do. I love how Katy says see it as an opportunity!
Everything- They all go to the same school these guys! Eternally being a victim is sooooooooo unappealing, even at 5 yrs old! What a twonk. luckily mine tells me when to pull out, indicate etc. Otherwise I Just sit there😄
Twisty, I do! I am! Was determined to make it happen last year, but wasn’t strong enough/didn’t know what was fair. Have said that for quite a few years now...
Bless, thanks. It’s so good to have clarification on whether things are wrong or not. Gets difficult to know.
Mum and random, thanks - that’s exactly it. It’s like he wants to pull me down too then he can be happy.
Haffians, gosh thanks - I think you have it. It’s like he hands over anything he doesn’t want to do. His room is an absolute mess. But he does work very hard aat his job.- I get fed up with that though! He says he does it for the kids, and he’s not all bad. That’s why it’s so confusing.
Going to take money back today..mwah ha ha
Thanks for the confidence boosts and the gentle wisdom. Feeling as if I’m emerging ladies, emerging!
And decided to set up as a proper company..it’s official!!

Oops another loooong post, sorry!

Sorry one more..just to say u tube v funny! And Am printing out your LOVELY 3rd para to read throughout the day😁what a lovely boost x

What, he tells you how to drive the car? I don’t have enough eye-rolling for that.

Seriously, I am trying to work out the last bit - he works hard at his job. Right, so do many many other parents, husbands and wives or single parents. It is not a licence not to do anything else or to put you down or control you. He works hard for the kids - yes, again, so do many other parents, that is what being a parent is about - but being a good parent also involves respecting the other parent, doing one’s fair share of household tasks, being present and caring - the list could go on. Being a good provider does not cancel out chucking the children’s mother out on the side of a dual carriageway and everything else you are describing. Saying he does something for the children is emotional manipulation; as soon as he brings the children into it as a reason it closes down any objections from you.

So let’s say you ask him to please finish work earlier today because you need some time to get an order finished for your business or he needs to cut the grass/unblock the drains/actually look after the children/whatever needs doing apart from his work.

He says, he needs to work hard for the children.

Your request looks like it flies in the face of providing for the children and what kind of person asks that?!?! So if you persist you are made to feel that you are damaging his efforts to work for the children rather than actually expecting a proper parental and marital partnership.

Not sure if I am explaining that well, but my ex used to use the children and the concept of family all the time to shut me down. Saying you are doing something for the children or you want something for the family is a great way of cancelling out objections to what you are doing.
I wanted time to myself to sort things which were important to me? No, he wanted to spend time ‘as a family’. What this actually meant was that he did not want to look after the children himself.

Withdrawing childcare is also a means of control. I remember one time I did not agree to something ex wanted. He literally stood over me one evening for an hour trying to persuade me. The next day he was supposed to be looking after the children so that I could work. Of course he sulked and wanted ‘family time’, and it was so important for the children that we have ‘family time’. What he really meant was that he was withdrawing childcare so that I could not work because I had not done what he wanted. Except instead of saying that (which would make the control explicit), he used the concept of ‘family’. Much harder to argue against.

PS I agree entirely with Bibis third paragraph

Almost no-one works exclusively 'for their children'. Even people who hate their jobs do it for their own survival too. Most people do it for their own pride and sense of who they are. Many for their own enjoyment, in part at least.

He sounds disorganised and inefficient (probably, without knowing what his work is - maybe he has clients calling him at all hours). Many people work long hours but people who constantly need to do extra to catch up or stay afloat and can't ever organise their time so that they can tell you what day they'll be working late and when they can fonish on time, are mostly disorganised, inefficient or out of their depths.

Plenty of people spend long hours in the office specially to avoid their children and having to take responsibility for looking after them, of course.