20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Thanks random. Just v emotional. And I’m being wet. Texts Are I think, guilt inducing, - ‘hope Your mum Is ok! Kids ok, but we are all missing you and running out of summer’ but Maybe not - they seem so reasonable. He mentions camping but he is working hard,- so we won’t go, I’m sure. and then He reminds me of my business. So in one txt I feel like I’m hit with double guilt - but Maybe I’m being over sensitive, to be fair, I came for 10 days and have stayed 3 weeks.
Am a bit cross that on the group chat he’s put,’we are missing mummy’ - kids haven’t put anything.
I’m not sure he gets that we are sorting out wills and homes and sorting and this may be the last summer we have and I’m not focusing on it, but thinking of him and feeling anxious about future and the pressure of no work and his depression And my sense of doom.

Rich single Brother says, ‘sell house, buy flat,leave’ whichis a plan, I guess.
Am going back this week . Which is now pissing brother off - but he is on a different timetable and can stay as long as he likes. He says,’can you come back in September?’ And of course I can’t - have no work to speak of, and kids. Thought I could bring kids out, next week, but brother is saying,‘don’t complicate things, we decided that wasn’t a great idea and you are still going over it.’ Actually, he decided it wasn’t a great dea And Just thinking of telling dp fills me with anxiety and hopelessness. mum keeps saying bring them out, which upsets me with the impossibility of it. Ugh I’ve got mysel into a total emotional muddle. Do I go and get kids? Unlikely I’ll e able to leave when I get home. and I’ll need bro to help airport un etc. Or do I stay another week? I get exhausted with myself.
I need to feel that power that comes when I was single with money. And was my own boss.

You are right, I need to escape from this relentless emotional pressure. Occasionally I manage it, and then I can function, and there seems to b a future. Then i sink under it all again. Bu&£Er! How the blooming heck do you guys do it?
Sorry, wimpy rant.

Omg, thanks out of. I didn’t see this when I wrote my insane ramble a moment ago! I wouldn’t have written it!
THis is so kind of you - a clear plan to follow as my mind is Totally scambled . I really appreciate it - was already anxious about telling dp I’ll be coming at October break.
I will work on developing an online job.
Sorry, stupid keyboard.
Thanks for the comment re kids. And trusting myself. And thanks for extra para. Yes it’s too scary to think about leaving, though it is becoming clearer that this is not a helpful set up.
You have helped drag me out of a pit of despair that I wa edging towards. Many many thanks.

your ramble is helpful to get it all out and see why your brain is in a muddle. Take heart, this is not you!! No time to write more now, will check in later.

Book another flight back for yourself, or flights for you and the kids, before you leave Spain.
If 'D'P is a dick about it, day really felt, 'Listen, I know you wanted to take them camping and that's a lovely idea. However, we need to be realistic about my Mum, the kids should spend some time with her now. You can take them away camping next Easter when things are now settled.'
If he continues to be a dick, 'You focus on your work, the kids will spend time with my mum' on repeat, broken recird. Don't offer any other reasons. The more reasons you offer, the more fuel for explaining why it can't happen you give him. The When I Say No book explains this well.
Another broken record comment is 'The flights are booked'
You're a grown up, F him, you can book cheap flights to Spain for your kids to see your ailing mum.
Speak to an estate agent when home about selling the house plus CAB
Ask your rich single Brother annuity what financial support he'd give to hello you out of this rut. Long-term no interest loan? He sounds supportive albeit blunt.
Remember, you emigrated from Spain to the UK and built a life here. You can also uproot and go home. You're tough!!!!

Say really calmly.....

Those messages are completely manipulative!!!

We are running out of summer?!! The school holidays have literally just started!

He can take the kids camping without you...

The DC spending time with your Mum before she deteriorates further is priceless. If the DC want to come (aware of how things will be) tell your DB you want them to come out and then you can stay longer.

Your partner can go f*ck himself. There is next summer to go camping, next summer your DM may not remember who the DC are. Get angry at him for not caring about your DM or you and what you are going through.

Please do what YOU want.

Honestly - you need to sell house, buy flat, leave.

This is literally never going to stop till he's drained every last penny and ounce of your confidence. And spent your mums inheritance.

I spent 22 years like this it was never enough until I was a husk a shell and he was still angry still controlling still dissatisfied and I was still sorry.

It escalated when the children were born and more so when I went to university to gain a career that suited his job until I was broken then I realised he was purposely sabotaging everything I had ever tried to do. He could never celebrate me in any way shape or form. I carried this devastating sadness with me all the time.

The tipping point came when he refused to look after the children so I could be with my dying father I had to choose between my toddlers and my dying father it broke me. He had hurt me in the worst possible way there was no going back but I wouldn't be told he was my husband and I was determined to be honourable. Turns out he was telling his work he was with me at the hospice and telling me he was at work when in fact he was in another woman's bed. I realised I had meant so little to him. He was covert narc.

Don't let your husband break you before you stop. I see you trying so hard heartbroken and tired but still going. I know it's hard but you've done so much on your own already when the times right you can thrive but life is to be enjoyed not endured. You deserve to have time with your mum. A man that truly loves you would be supportive and take the load.

Oh freeingnora. I’m so sad for waht you’ve gone through. I’m all tearful for you. Thank you for your message, it’s amazingly generous. I really hope you are now enjoying life and are happy.
Thanks all of you. I don’t know why this is STILL so hard for me to get my head round. Omg, it’s true...I’m clinging on to an idea, and if I just cling harder....
Just talked to brother. He says, no one likes your dp. No one can believe he’s saying he has flu when your mum is I’ll. He cited other things - how if we were having fun, dp would put a stop to it. How he won’t visit and see niece cos He dislikes dp so much. How mum won’t visit as last time she was there it was an awful atmosphere. How every time we meet I say I don’t like him and I’ve even asked him for lawyers numbers...and then I get sucked back in. And I’ve been doing the same thing for years.
Even with all this proof I’m STILL questioning and arguing with myself.
He suggested imagine selling the house and being in your own flat. The kids will leave Home soon, and you’ll be in a house alone with dp. And when you get to 70 and you are still with him and still complaining, and you’ll have wasted your life.
He said bringing the kids out is complicated. Why are you going back? They’ll be fine having a boring summer. He said he wakes up every day anxious too - about what to do with mum, but he does one thing a day whereas I get anxious and overwhelmed and so worried About kids and at what dp will say I get stuck. Yet mum is a priority. See how easily I get confused.
WHY do I find it hard to take my own path? It’s like it’s easier to feel miserable and resigned and do what he wants. Maybe cos then I can blame him? But also because I’m actually scared of his reactions. He’s stopped yelling since he was ill, but obviously somethings going on. Last year when mum was ill he called me a bitch and threatened to change the bank account. Dd said,’ that’s abuse, we learnt it at school’ and STILL I hope it will get better, I’ll change etc - as you have pointed out that ain’t gonna work. Why is it so hard not to see clearly?
Bro suggested asking for a trial separation like his friend had, he suggested sell house now, don’t wait till you’ve done it up, that’s another hurdle. He even said you could come here for a while for mum, and we can pay you instead of a care home.
I said I was too nervous to say trial separation to him and he said, ‘that’s exactly why you need one’
For a while it all seemed bright and glorious and possible.. and then the gloom sinks again. I HATE it! I hate that I’ve been miserable for years, thinking it was my inability to cope. It’s like pulling myself out of treacle. But maybe one foot is nearly free! I am bl£&dy glad you are here.

Well done! You may not see it but you're making A LOT of progress. ♥️

Well it sounds like you have been offered a job... stay and get paid to look after your Mum!!!

I think your DC will be happy if you split, they know it's bad and miserable.

I don't understand why the DC can't fly over on their own? They've done it before - DP drops them at the gate and you pick them up.

OP it sounds like you are doing really well – you are getting there. It’s great that you’ve got your brother’s support too.

I haven’t RTWT, but this:

“Kids ok, but we are all missing you and running out of summer”

is clearly designed to be guilt-inducing. It’s clearly intended to put emotional pressure on you and I actually find it rather unpleasant. A small thing perhaps but that’s why these tactics are so insidious.

Just keep trusting your instincts. Sending and solidarity OP

Please don’t beat yourself up
He has conditioned you to think like you do. It is so very difficult to change that way of thinking. But in time you will, and you will see him for all that he is and realise you can be free of him. Time and the wonderful advice from the Mumsnet community has helped me no end.
Just remember YOU, yes YOU my lovely deserve so much better x

It is very frightening to leave what you know even when it's miserable and abusive and step out into the unknown even though you know in your head that it will be better. Emotionally it is very very very challenging though so stop giving yourself a hard time.

Gosh, it seems like everyone in your life has a plan for you except you yourself.

If your brother did not veto it (who made him the boss of you anyway?), would you bring your DC over now for a week? If you would then do it now.

Do you want to separate? If so, don't ask for a trial separation, don't warn him given he is prone to being vindictive. Get those ducks in a row. Find out the value of the house as-is. Talk to an estate agent about how quickly it might sell. Look up flats.

Your brother with his cash in the bank seems to be very keen on you leaving. Why not ask him to pay your rent for up to a year on a flat so you and the DC don't have to live with DP while selling? Get flat hunting now.

FINALLY!!!!! At last! @Treatedlikeamaid are the scales finally falling from your eyes? It certainly seems like it. Because what you are Dec dining with your husband sounds appalling and you've not wanted to say it out loud before. But now you have - the box is open.

Your brother has finally told you what you need to hear. Once you wrench that first foot free from the quicksand the second will follow... Don't know if you are a cartoon drawer.. but a cartoon of the mud with husbands face in it and you standing g talk wrenching the other foot out while standing on green grass with the free foot seems apt.

On one side is the swamp. On the other green grass, blue sky, birds singing. You get the picture.

Also I like the carer idea. It's practical and very decent of your bro. Get the kids out there, get the WiFi up and running and get some website things running.

As for what you say to STBexH. Well as little as possible really. Apart from locking down bank accounts etc.

Amazing your little DD picked up on the abuse. You can't stay after that. I know you did.. but it takes time. The time is now.

Everyone raves about that book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Why don't you grab it on kindle and see what the fuss is about?

Not sure it is realistic of some previous posters to suggest that you relocate with the children to Spain. A short visit to see your mum is one thing but moving to a different country a different matter entirely. If you take your brothers suggestion to move and get paid as a carer that leaves you without your other paid job, leaves your husband as primary carer. Not sure how that would all wash out in divorce proceedings.

Not to be too blunt if your mum deteriorated so that remaining at home was no longer an option that would leave you without paid employment - back to square one!

TBH I was thinking for a couple of months have the DC over for the summer and return to UK mid September.

Poor, poor you. Tork is correct that everyone has a plan for you except yourself. No wonder you cannot think straight.

Deep breaths.

I actually think if you can get out of this situation and decide what you want to do yourself, you will be so much stronger.

I am going to take some time to reflect on all of this. But it seems to me that moving to Spain to care for your mum, however selfless that would be, simply replaces one set of problems and dependencies for another.

Can you identify what you do actually want? I can see that you identify a parts of a plan, but then you get overwhelmed with the problems on the way to achieving it, whatever they may be. One way might be to decide what you want, write it down, and start to identify every little step you need to do to get there. Write the steps down. Every tiny step. And then every objection, problem, doubt that comes up - write it down, and write down the solution too (posters can help you if you aren't sure of the solution). Then, start working towards your goal. As every step forward triggers an anxiety, go back to your document and go over the solution (even if the solution is something like, yes, this is frightening, I'm going to do it anyway, frightening doesn't mean it's a bad idea, I'm going to listen to cheery music to distract me from this frightened feeling). Just to speed things up and shift you from the paralysis you end up in.

I think being stuck comes from having to choose between two bad options - stay and get treated like shit and be poor, or leave and be scared and lonely and poor. With children in tow.

When you want the unicorn option of talk to him, he understands and changes back to the person he once was and we are a happy family. Except I'm calling it a unicorn option for a reason.

So option one is guaranteed awful but known. Option two is potentially not awful but also not known. There's hope, but uncertainty. It will be hard but not forever.

However option four (current strategy) is to stay and hope something happens. Unfortunately it may well do - once he's not worried you're leaving (they have a sixth sense) the job hunting will grind to a halt and he'll be waiting for your mum to pass so he can spend the inheritance. He may even start muttering about selling her place now. Though he knows bro is in the way and is probably slightly scared of him, or at the very least knows bro sees through him.

Also option two had an advantage in that if you split he will almost certainly go for 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance. Meaning you get free time, and to work. Time to rebuild yourself. Of course you must act like this horrifies you! Otherwise he ring want it. But it could be a real gift. Plus you don't have yo listen to his whining any more.

Hi guys. Thanks everyone for such support.And such great comments. I Did write thanking you all But it seems to have vanished. Will write again later.

Dp called and am now feeling totally selfish moaning to you all. He Said we could visit in October holidays which Is reasonable. Spurred on by this, I suggested keeping kids out of his way for a week , here. he got a bit cross , he doesn’t need a break from them, he loves them. and He reminded me He’s been very patient ( he has - I said I’d be away 10 days and it’s been 31/2, and reminded me in no uncertain terms that we have no income, we are in danger of having to sell the house, he is working hard and looking for jobs and needs a rest and can’t cope with the kids and the cooking.His mum is on at him To get school uniforms and we can’t go to the shops. And no I can’t order it online from here. There may have been tears.
Of course my anxiety and guilt shot up and I agreed he was right and I needed to come home, then he was ultra calm and reasonable. He said we have stuff to sort, kids can have a boring summer, no one else is going on holiday.’but ultimately of course... it’s up to you.‘ ( which sounded ugh even to me)
By the end of the call I was thinking how selfish and unrealistic I’m being and,’oh good we are having a discussion like adults!’
We weren’t tho we’re we?
Bro pointed out that I come here and tell him relationship crap etc, then I do nothing and everyone is bored with me and can’t understand.
So this time I’ll take notes at what happens to suck me in again.

Of course I know we are in trouble. Like I knew ( because he kept on telling me)that I’d booked the wrong flight last time, or his therapist said I didn’t need to be with mum for an op because it was a simple bit of microsurgery. Its like he will lay it on super thick and super reasonably till I’m so weighted down I can’t think for anxiety.
Then when I do find a full time job it’s too little money and the family will suffer ( he’ll have to do housework)It’s so confusing! And of course I’m so anxious and thinking of him all the bloody time, I’m not thinking clearly of mum or business. I Need to get pissed off, not sucked into anxiety. Am I being manipulated again?
Reading why does he do that again.
Sorry for rant. Soooo glad you are here.

@Treatedlikeamaid

You do realise that come October, he’ll make an excuse as to why none of you can visit your mother don’t you?

He’s using emotional blackmail (tears, informing you that the kids have had a crap summer) and then when you come up with a solution of getting the DC to come over, he says no, as I’ll miss them too much.

The above 👆🏼should be translated into:

i want you back to be my whipping boy, I want to keep the kids here to make you feel guilty, I want to control every aspect of your life

Also, your DB is getting frustrated with you, because he can see like we all can that you need to leave this relationship. It’s toxic and it’s demonstrating to your DC what a dysfunctional relationship is.

Personally, I would book the DC flights to come.

The emotional manipulation is really horrible to read. As a single parent, I am wondering what he thinks we cope with year in year out. You are in Spain for a valid reason, not on a jolly, and had he not been so damn obstructive with you previously trying to visit your mother to the point she had deteriorated this much, maybe a plan would have been in place and you would not need to be there three and a half weeks to sort out one with your brother. I am sorry, but maybe it is time to hold up a mirror to him to his part in this. Give him some of the metaphorical parcel on the table metaphorically back. None of this is helping you sort out the situation with your mother, it is all me me me.

Although I am wondering how the conversation would have gone if you had said ‘okay, so can you sort out a valuation for the house then?’

Has he given you any useful suggestions of how you deal with the situation with your mother?

(Where I am schools go back in less than three weeks and I have not got school uniform and shoes sorted yet - I laughed at the running out of summer comment, surely your schools have just broken up? We have spent most of the summer with pretty much full lockdown still)

Anyway, that is not what I wanted to post about, I wanted to comment on your posts from last night, so I need to go back a page to do that and start a new post...