20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

😀thanks crafty! Will do just that. Going to re read this whole thing on the plane and take action notes!
Games today? ‘ ohh yes, the man of the family is like a dark miasma of bad mood gloom. Says he wants the house tidy, but.. meanwhile the female of the species has wised up and is leaving the kitchen to him while she gets on tidying the cupboard he’s going on about first...’
Written in an Attenborough voice 😜👍

Yes, I have to do that crafty, in a major way. X

Erm can I just add something very important....

You need to tell him "I have to go do some work now, I don't have the time to today now"

Trip to Costco - WTF he can go on his own or take one of the DC to help. Tell him "No, I have work to do and need to pack"

All this tidying the house- it is deliberate sabotage by him. He is dictating to you what to do with your time and it is not ok. See how he is taking your time away from your business!!!!

I certainly do random - finally.i wouldn’t have without you guys, I’d have been puzzled and frustrated and down on myself for never achieving.
Hurrah!
The good thing is that the cupboard is where I keep my work, and as I’m tidying I’m realising that I am pretty talented - or talented enough at any rate. I’m also taking control - I used to shove my work in any old how - devaluing it, and now I’m realising, actually, I’m ok, this work is ok. All I have to do is find the mindset. Which you are all helping with in a most constructive way.
Am also daring to imagine being on my own with the kids....it’s like a sore tooth that you aren’t quite brave enough to touch yet...and I can’t begin to think more than that atm.
But it’s quite a refreshing feeling!
💐

Hurrah - baby steps!

I have been reading this from the other side of the planet and I am seeing signs of evolution, openly it’s not really... you’re really reclaiming ownership of your real self. Integrity, perhaps? Whatever the core word is, grab it with both hands and run with it! I am so bloody proud of you!

Finally he is not owning all of your time! Nice move with the cupboard, do the job you actually want to do.

You do need to find the power of "No, I don't have time for that today."

Part of that comes from having planned your next couple of days. Then you know what you are dropping which makes it easier to say no. For example, you could have planned "day out with children at beach" then when furniture moving and garage comes up you know you have no time in your diary.

Thanks guys, thanks justilou! I am really chuffed that you took the time to write that, thank you For the encouragement ! I Still find it amazing that you can read this from the other side of the world. How mad is that?
It does feel ike I’m getting unstuck, at last.
Tork,Yes I Now realise i Fire fight and get swept along with whatever anyone else wants ( dh asks me stoopid questions and I end up helping him do stuff he’s quite capable of)so I took what you said above.
It coincides with what the counsellor said, and may be useful to someone?) - and made a plan and gave the kids really clear instructions To tidy their room whenever they wanted ( choice)as long as it was done by 4, we’d have pizza ( consequence of their actions) then really praise.i , checked that they understood and had any questions.....it worked! ( with a lot of games of ds trying to not understand/cry etc, but just showed him what to do, checked he could take it from there, as described by counsellor), THEN...did the same with dh - we can go to Costco, or get the House tidied (choice), I want to shield, it would be dreadful to catch something now ( consequence) it worked! We got the house tidied! Only a couple of minor rowS..which I refused to engage in, and he had to change tack. Extraordinary! We even made dinner together, And gave him lots of praise.like a normal family!
Am in shock!
💐to everyone, and to me! Because I’m worth it!

I hope this break with your mum is the turning point for you.
I am pleased you got through the day yesterday and I don’t want to be the person who pours cold water, but maybe read over what you have written - you managed the situation by treating him like one of the children. Whereas he is a full-grown person and supposed to be your partner. You have taken all the emotional and mental labour of making the day work.

Obviously, I think at the moment whatever works to get through to a position of greater confidence and financial security but longer-term, that kind of management will be exhausting as well. But it is small steps - you did not let him dictate your day or run rings around you with unrealistic plans so well done, and you got through the day with minimal stress.

I suppose the thing I would think about when you are away is what you want your partnership to look like and whether, with everything you now know and recognise, you think that is achievable. I suppose I would add in how long you are prepared to give it to see if it is achievable but that last point relies on a viable exit strategy. But I think the break is a good point to stop and consider what you want from your life going forward. You have given twenty years to this relationship, fourteen years to being a mother, and so the question is what about you now? What do you want things to look like going forward and what needs to happen for this to be achievable? What needs to change or go, and what needs to be done? I am not suggesting you can come up with answers in ten days (and you can completely ignore even this suggestion if you just want to relax and enjoy the time with your mum), but I think these are questions to start to think about.

Thanks for writing this Katy. Just trying to face the day..v nervous about mum.
Yes I hear you, and You are right - and also in your second para.Baby steps!
I think the counsellor is helping me Realise, and be very clear on, what I want, and voice it clearly, Rather than be scared and anticipate rows and then not do anything and disappear a little bit more.
Counsellor suggested That This made me resentful ( actually was so ground down, didn’t even have the ability to be resentful, I just thought that’s how it was.i should try harder).I imagine from there I start to see that things can be within my control, and I don’t need to get battered about like a toy boat in a storm, with incredible anxiety that this causes. I’m guessing that Feeling a bit more in control will help create the confidence and awareness to work out What to do next, then I can take back some of the control of my life that I used to feel. It’s like
You said..
and so the question is what about you now? What do you want things to look like going forward and what needs to happen for this to be achievable? What needs to change or go, and what needs to be done?
Thanks. This is just what my mum said! It is a lot to think about, and involves evolving in my thoughts - working out what I want, allowing myself to want it, building confidence to get it.
Exhausted already!
So grateful for all your support And good sound advice. I’d still be stuck in misery without you all.

I still can't believe that your "DP" could not go to Costco on his own whilst you tidied... anyone would think he is trying to be in control at all times...

Yes of course it works but see it as a short term solution whilst you get your ducks in a row!

Glad you’re doing so well! For some reason your thread disappeared so I had to search for it coz I keep thinking about you. I have no idea how they order the threads I’m watching but it seems totally random. You seem totally different from how you were when you started this thread

Thanks guys , thanks thick fast, that’s really nice of you. I hope I’m getting different. Wasn’t enjoying me before, but this is pretty hard. Still eaten up with anxiety- for mum, for her future, for my future, should I have bought the kids, they love it here but then it’s all about them and I need to sort mum, who is losing her memory which is so so sad. And I don’t have the money to help and I should never have sold my flat etc and I’ve been an idiot.et bloody cetera. My mind! It’s not helping!was shocked to see her, how she got though lockdown on her own at 87 is bloody amazing. And this place has so many memories. Why do people have to get old?
Called dh tonight hoping for a bit of ..support I guess. Someone to say , ‘ ohh that’s sad etc’ or something. Instead he told me he had flu and felt awful and his back hurt and he’s in bed..
What happened to the guy that yesterday told. Me he was looking forward to building a relationship with his son?
I’m kind of disappointed in him. This is what you predicted isn’t it. Feck. That means you are all right and I’ve wasted 20 years.the old familiar anxiety gets stronger again. But a bit of me is getting cross. ( thank god!) Am I right in thinking it’s all about him again. Mum says ,’oh he just needs some attention, just say there there’ but , well really?

Bless your mum, she may be elderly and losing her memory but she is spot on that your partner just wants attention. Very predictable. As a single parent, I have managed illness with small children to look after and your children are older, so he will be just fine. No need to feel guilty. Of course you feel anxious because the message he is giving you in what he does is ‘it is not okay that you have gone’, you must feel sorry for me and for going. Put that message down on the table - your visit to your mum is necessary and overdue.

It is the same thing as with your business when posters said on here that you cannot really share things with him. You need a support network beyond him. For whatever reason, he will turn things around and make it about him. Looking forward to building a relationship with his son is about him (and does he not have one already? Or did he mean when you are away? What about your daughter?)

Do try and focus on your mum, on the here and now and not past decisions. You have done enormously well. You are doing enormously well. Do not make things worse by being hard on yourself for things you did with the best of intentions and without knowing what you know now. Be gentle with yourself. You have made amazing steps to be where you are now so focus on your mum. Do not have every day taken up with phone calls about flu and back ache and whatever else is going to go wrong or he thinks you should turn your attention to in the next ten days. This man is an adult, he has people around him where you live, the children have friends there, there are food shops, they will be fine. Honestly.

And yes, it is enormously sad that people grow old, especially people we love. It is like we go through life thinking there are always more steps, there will always be time, and then you realise there are not so many more steps, not so much time anymore. You are there for your mum, be present with her and focus on that. I am sending you baskets and baskets of support

Christ he is a dick. Flu. FFS. You predicted it yourself really. We only pointed out what you had laid out for us to see.

You haven't wasted 20 years. Don't tell yourself such lies. You have a lot you have learned, built and birthed. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater when evaluating the last 20years. Be kinder to yourself and less kind with him. Tip the balance back.

Yep what a complete abusive dick

So sorry about your Mum that is sad

You have 2 amazing DC you will get free and be stronger and happier than ever, here is to the future

Did you take your abusive husband bingo card with you?
He’s ill? Cross that off
Can’t cope with the kids without you: Cross that off
Suffering extreme anxiety without you: cross that off
Needs you to come back and sort out x,y,z: Cross that off
The list continues

Well I hope you are having a lovely time in Spain! And I also hope that you refrain from phoning in every day because he will use that as a lever to get you back. So don't give him the opportunity.

You made it there (well done!) so don't back down now! I predict there will be a pressing child related reason you need to go back early (except it won't be fucking pressing it will be him being an arsehole) but this is a great chance to try out some new techniques!

How about making up an urgent thing you need to rush off for (an excuse at the ready) and then when he starts immediately roll it out eg push something unbreakable off the table and then immediately follow with 'omg what was that crash! I have to go! Love to the kids bye!' Etc. Have a few you rotate 😉. Practice them!

'Oh that's my other line, call waiting, oh it's mums doctor got to go!' could work too. Of course there's the fact that he wants you to move her to the UK (please don't!) so obviously that buys plenty of time while you pretend to be discussing it with her. 'I might suggest to mum on Friday she move back, when we will have finished doing x' will get him off your back. Obviously you will be doing no such thing.

I think though this little bit of space will help you see what a stupid, selfish, unpleasant man he really is. He is holding you back, and your life would be far, far, far better without him in it!

I read your other post about about your life and I didnt have a chance to post, but it was a little heart breaking. You really do deserve to live - and that's not living. Not one bit.

I agree not to move your mum back - at least not until you have your own place. Then you are both in camera range (if you remember my camera metaphor); plus if she had an independent income he will add that to the family pot.

Also agree not to phone every day although I am sure you want to speak to the children.

A night of anxiety and I wake up to these amazing, supportive messages! I was kind of hoping there would be a comment, but am overwhelmed at your kind thoughts and constructive support. Thank you so so much. I’ll be re reading this through the day as a kind of talisman!
supermarket and doctors today. And it’s 30degrees already!🍦all round xxxxxx

It is rainy and windy here but ice-cream always welcome!
All good wishes for today

He's only going to change his behaviour if HE wants to be a better person, and that's only going happen if he's prepared to recognise that behaviour is wrong, and go and see a professional coach about it. Self-help books are ok, but it's much more effective to do a professionally administered coaching programme because the session to session accountability is the big deal in actually breaking down bad habits and putting good habits in their place (and also, the more expensive something is relatively, the more they respect the process, it's easy to spend $10 on a book and not care if you follow it, $75+ an hour on coaching not so much). I won't say don't read self-help books to improve yourself, as others have recommended above, because even small self-improvement is goo, but you cannot solve this problem for him, and I doubt you changing your behaviour will change his.

So question 1 is, is he prepared to recognise that, and do something about it?

Question 2, if he isn't, are you prepared to stand up and say "I deserve better" and leave?

Of course if he really did have Flu he would be so ill he wouldn't be able to speak on the phone! Again all to make you feel FOG and ensure that he fills your thoughts 24/7...

I am so angry on your behalf tbh.

Allaboutwinrgums I can confidently answer question 1 on his behalf based on years of anecdotal experience, first hand experience and observation..
1 'no not really but I'll convince myself and you for a bit. I'll pretend to read a book maybe. But then get a few pages in and think fuck this she's trying to control me, and I can't have that'

The reason most of these people are untreatable is that their egos won't let them. It takes a lot of humility to say you are wrong and to submit to treatment (which is all about how wrong you are) is beyond reach of most of them.

So thinking that it's a viable option is kind of a red herring, false hope etc. Because the thing you want them to get treated for is the same thing that makes them angry and oppositional.

If he was the kind of guy who could self reflect, think about how he's made others feel, and admit he isn't perfect then allow someone else to tell him how he should fix that while spending money doing so... this thread wouldn't exist!