Treatedlikeamaid Ive been following your thread from the start but haven't commented because Ive never really had anything useful to add that hasn't been said better and sooner by other posters - but wanted to say you are making amazing progress recognizing the games that are being played with your mind and detaching from the situation. And its so great that you have made concrete plans to see your mother.
I have been in a relationship where I experienced a similar sort of subtle control and emotional abuse, and from the inside it was so hard to see and analyze because part of the manipulation was to keep me lurching from crisis to crisis, never having time to sit and think about what was really going on, always feeling fear, depression and dread with the promise of everything being better when I reached some nebulous but unobtainable goal.
Oddly enough what got me through was female friends who weren't afraid to tell me the truth, and a sudden revelation when he was setting up an argument/emotional scene with me that he knew nothing about the subject and the whole point was to browbeat me so he could accuse me of being overly emotional and therefore less than him and in need of his superior guidance. Very funny in hindsight when I changed my reactions and refused to play.
It took me a long time after to really understand the relationship properly and how I slowly ended up there, boiled like a frog into feeling I was losing my mind and breaking down. I still get struck with revelations now; but in the aftermath of our breakup (my resurrection!) I realized how much I had internalized his views of me and started to parrot and believe them. Like a kid being told they are stupid and will never amount to anything, versus a kid who is supported and praised, it was really influencing how I responded in situations and judged my own performance.
After leaving him, my inner monologue was pretty much his voice - always focused on the negative - you are fat, you are a mess, so disorganized, need support, you are stupid, too naive etc etc etc, ruminating on and on. When I realized how damaging and sabotaging this was I made a conscious choice to replace it with another voice. Mantras and random affirmations of positivity don't really work for me so I had to link it with concrete things.
So every night before I went to sleep I would go over the day, and I would consciously take credit for everything I had achieved that day, even if it would seem banal or small in many peoples eyes - eg the house is nice and welcoming because I did x,y and z. Children are in clean beds, happy after a health meal and time with me/bedtime stories because I am a capable mother who gives them the time, love and care they need. Bills are paid and debts are paying off because I am organized and focused. My feedback from work is excellent because I am good at my job and have a good manner with people. X really enjoyed our coffee today because we have a healthy friendship and I am supportive and funny company. I am getting fitter and stronger because I am motivated and have taken the choice to do exercise.
And when I caught myself getting into the 'You are so dumb' mindset he used to have me in I would give myself a mental shake and remind myself of the list I had used to lull myself to sleep the day before. And at first it felt really weird to focus on the positive and praise myself but it was a good way to reground my thoughts and remove that lack of self belief he had tried so hard to instill in me.
Not sure if this is in any way helpful but it was a reasonably easy act of self care that got me through a lot of wobbles in emotions and confidence along the way.