20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Funny how the money situation is dire but he isn't looking for any old job to pay the bills until his business is off the ground. Can't be that worried can he?

Thanks for saying forgive yourself , vodka! Have managed to pay more, for flights I don’t want because I got so stressed at trying to think what was best for not upsetting his nibs. So I’m STILL not thinking About what’s best for me - or mum.
I think he’ll be fine, Tork, Now he’s had his say, and I’ve got all stressed. Tho I am preparing! Good advice Katy Usually I’ve not listened to his, ‘only go for a week, ‘ but booked 10 days or so regardless, which obv led to bad feeling. To be fair, he is rewriting his cv and working v hard on his business.
Worried about mum tbh.

Hide your passport somewhere he can't find it!!!!

I was going to say, make sure to make return flight changeable but too late. Bugger! Oh well.. if he can’t cope, maybe he will pist the kids to you there!

POST

*Also offer the alternative of bringing mum to live with you all in UK. He will change his tune REALLY fast.

Would you pay an extra 125 to get there for sat instead of we’d? It’s an extra 3 days.see how I lose the ability to focus on important stuff and get totally confused. Her friends called my bro and said they are concerned. And are trying to get her to a doctor..He’s all mr laid back and don’t worry take the cheap flight ..you can’t do anything on a Sunday anyway.. but this way I won’t be doing anything till Thursday ...

Done it. Going on sat. Will get her sorted, take what I can to work on business ( ha!) wise and kick myself for wasting 125 quid. By not sticking to my first instinct. Lesson learnt.

Hope your mum is OK.

I am a big fan of that thing they teach divers to do when faced with a stress situation.

Stop. Breathe. Think. Act.

You mentioned forgiving yourself. I think it is hugely important for any bad situation, where maybe you made bad choices in retrospect, to look back with a kind narrative. It takes time to come to terms with situations. I believe a crucial part is building that kind neutral narrative of why you, a normal person, made those decisions, what you didn't realise that you realise now, how you have grown since, etc. It makes forgiving yourself easier imo.

You were right, I didn’t click re flexible flights. Oh well.

That £125 would be called a stupid tax in our house

You are climbing out of the FOG. You got to a good outcome pretty quickly, albeit more expensive than it needed to be.

Go you!

Thanks tork. You are brilliant. Am reminding myself it’s only money, and I would regret it forever if something happened Co’s I wanted to save a few quid.
It’s not rational to get so worked up, I know that. I think it’s because I look on the world as if I’m not really there, I’m very small and everyone else is very big and I dart about trying to stop them being unhappy.
I can just about grasp seeing myself as big and doing things my way to suit me. It’s how I used to feel long ago and I was the only one responsible for me. Will focus on taking - and feeling, more in control of me. Not floating and being moved About by waves that don’t even know I’m there really. More learning!
Thanks tork.

Ha, stupid tax, that’s lovely! And very forgiving !

OP,
Re forgiving yourself for doing something stupid.
We all do stupid things at times.
Even the most organised and in control people, of whom I would consider myself to be.

I take a moment, I say to myself "fxxk it, for making that mistake"🙄

Then I move quickly on to say to myself "fxxk it, no one died"🤣

We all make mistakes.
Don't take it on board and beat yourself up.
It serves no purpose.

Learn from the mistake if possible and move right along.

Guilt, upset and beating yourself up only causes further anxiety which increases the likelihood of mistakes.

The attitude of "fxxk it, no one died" mentality is like a muscle, you need to work it and practice it.
It becomes a good habit IMO.

Hitting 40+ was when I discovered the muscle and I've been assiduously working it ever since🤣.

It served me very well when I became peri menopausal.👍

Wow billy, you are the Arnold Schwarzenegger of mental muscle😃
Thanks for that.. don’t know I any on else finds going away stressful - think it’s been exacerbated with all the nonsense. One year he got v cross because I’d booked the wrong flight - was coming back on mon, not sun. Actually I can see why am now all grungly!
And no one died that time either!
Just talked to mum who is so delighted. That alone is worth the stupid tax.

I look forward to reading your update from your mum’s.

I can just about grasp seeing myself as big and doing things my way to suit me. It’s how I used to feel long ago and I was the only one responsible for me.

It's great you are starting to remember how you felt before. You like hypnotherapy, right? Well you probably know you can leverage those memories of how you felt in the past to get yourself back feeling the same.

Relive the times you felt strong and in control. Replay those times, those feelings, over and over in your mind. Right now you are in the habit of replaying your weak moments, that's no good, switch to dwelling on the strong moments.

It's not a stupid tax! It's Money Well Spent.

Also known as worth every penny!

Thanks Katy, and tork . Of course I should do that. Have got myself into a very negative state instead. And you are right! Every day, over and over I have a soundtrack in my head that tells me how pants I am at everything.
You’ve reminded me! When I worked hard to say nice stuff to me it made a massive difference - stuff like, ‘well done, you’ve fed the kids ‘ rather than,‘I can’t even cook or wash up and the kitchens a tip etc etc’
Or they kitchens lessof a tip now , well done for picking up that spoon’ (! Baby steps) I am writing a list to remind me to do stuff like see mates, (v important so I don’t get sucked into wierd negative space) and realise Actually, I’m fairly clever, fairly talented and as ( vodka Or tork, I think, ) mentioned before just chug along like most small hairdressers, cafes etc. - don’t need to be Starbucks!
Vodka, you make me smile - it certainly is worth every penny 😁
Thanks again. Have been super wobbly all day, and just coming here helps so much. Thanks guys xxx

In one bad downtime I started narrating my actions in my head like I was making some influencer vlog or how-to video or reality show. I got the idea from people on MN saying they always do that when doing their makeup or cooking. I found it to be a good way to get out of a negative headspace. Also fun.

I just listened to Keep On Running by the Spencer Davis Group in tribute to you @Treatedlikeamaid - don’t give up, keep going. Often, our first instinct is correct - our job sometimes is to listen out for that little voice that gets drowned out by the bigger doubts that then sweep in. It’s only money, just as long as the dates are squared with your boss, that’s what counts.

@Treatedlikeamaid that 'I'm so crap' voice is directly as a result of this man. It's what happens. So again another thing that is like an alternative reality - you aren't crap but you think you are because you have been told directly and indirectly that you are, complete with 'evidence'. All roads lead back to the narcissist- that's how it works.

Tork can you explain what you mean? It sounds intriguing! Could do with that at the moment!

Thanks, sorry am being childishly needy atm! Just a lot going on , mind you there is for everyone. Love the video vo idea, guessing that creates a distance from your emotions.
Comets se, boss fine - just wfh! What a woman.thats amazing that you listened to that, it’s a brilliant song, and as a tribute to little old me! Thank you, I don’t know what to do with that except say you’ve made me laugh and perked me up no end, thank you.
Vodka, I’m guessing it’s saying to yourself..’ day 1000 of quarantine and Iheres how to make a super coffee’ sort of thing. Is that right tork? Will try it with a super positive head - ‘ yay, I’ve straightened the bed, well done! And now to make a delicious hot coffee, and here’s my fabulous kitchen! Only one mucky plate, so that’s a high five to me!’
Feels better already! Recommend!!

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐 to you all. Just beacause x

This isn't low grade bullying it's systematic psychological control and abuse that has been going on for 20 years.