20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Just catching up now. You've been sounding really positive and productive. I agree, he's projecting his anxiety on to you to make himself feel better and keep you down.
You mentioned the therapist said you were colluding. That sounds off to me. I'd venture you're being Codependent. You take on the emotions of three others around you. You give it difficult to figure out the boundary between you and them. Makes it difficult to figure out what you truly want in the heat of the moment.
The more you are able to observe not absorb his projections, the better you should be able to think your own thoughts without getting mired in the fog.
Some recommendations for books, as you know I'm a bit of an advocate of them! I loved the link to the sick systems.

Boundaries
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV]]

Power
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

Codependent No More
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o]]

The Body Keeps the Score
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748&ved=2ahUKEwiA676MkZXqAhWKYMAKHT07CWAQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw0SYc1OQsdpcMbb9xt493MM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748&ved=2ahUKEwiA676MkZXqAhWKYMAKHT07CWAQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw0SYc1OQsdpcMbb9xt493MM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748&ved=2ahUKEwiA676MkZXqAhWKYMAKHT07CWAQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw0SYc1OQsdpcMbb9xt493MM]]

Book the tickets let your mum know and tell him as a fact - mum’s not doing so well so I am popping over for the weekend. I know you’d do the same for your mum. End of no discussion needed.

Woops the thread had massively moved on!

Can you work on your business when staying with your mum? That could be some wonderful head space.

He always got flu when you had been to your mum? Obviously that was a bag of lies to centre him and punish you

Covid will be irresistible to him. He will definitely "get" it while you are gone or just before you go. Or at least have a close contact which means you all have to isolate. I think he will not do it before you go. I think he will wait until you are back then develop "symptoms" cough, cough which make you be off work for a further two weeks after the ten days, maybe with a week's delay so he can claim you brought it back from Spain. Be prepared.

Doing it after helps him to punish you for being away and helps him to screw your job.

OP, that's a painful thread to read. I can see my own marriage in it. The difficulty to book flights (felt like an overwhelming task), the complaints about my driving, finding fault in every decision I made in a trip...
It's all the same.
Keep writing, you're doing amazing. I think he will up the game, so be ready.
Your anxiety is a healthy response to living in a sick system. You're healthy, and you're strong.

Well if he does try and pull that stunt OP should try and arrange to stay with someone else to protect her job.

OP, you are not married.
How about NOT returning.
Stay with your mother for an extended time, because she needs help.

Advise him to put the house on the market.
Make sure favourite comfort items are brought on this holiday and make sure you have your copies of paperwork etc.
Also have your passports hidden so they don't get deliberately misplaced by him.

The covid scenario is why I said buy tickets which are flexible, he cannot have suspected covid indefinitely.

Given that, I think, you need to quarantine for 14 days after coming back into the UK, discussions with your boss about how to manage that time and how you can work are paramount. These are conversations to have now with her and plan.

Just pre-empt any potential self-isolation issues by planning for these contingencies.

Do not tell him about any of your contingency planning. Total secrecy.

Thanks billy! I still got in a right pickle trying to consider everyone. Definitely need your books Just.!
so nice to hear from you again, you are a very good book recommender! I think you are right, that’s exactly what I’ do which means I go through agonies if I think I’ve upset anyone, can’t make a decision and then everyone gets fed up with me anyway. Will start off with codependent no more as that’s the one I’ve heard of.
I think I’ve been struggling not to absorb his projections because it’s hard to see what are valid points and what are projections. And then of course he’s suddenly reasonable and you think you’ve got it wrong.

Oops sorry, didn’t see these.
Have booked flights not for a week though😕as there are not that many where we are. And actually I mucked it up - like you say bringon, got all stressed and confused .sorry this is your marriage too- it’s not pleasant 🌺to keep you going x
Thanks guys. Billy I’d love to stay for ever, but it’s not practical. I’ll see what’s up and then take it from there. And yes, watching out for flu...

And tork, absolutely! I love being there, it’s so calming and my home, really 😀

Bring on thanks for saying anxiety is a healthy response, and that I’m strong. That helps me detach a bit from it. I get overwhelmed thinking something else terrible is going to happen x

Wow look at you!!! That's fantastic and Saturday gives him less time to set a plan in motion to stop you. Can you not tell him until Saturday (pref a few hours before)?

Reading your post is like a trip down memory lane for me. The second hand anxiety from him catastrophising. The world was always ending we were always going bust. Trying to make me feel less safe (easier to manipulate) and stop me ftom doing anything I wanted in the business.

The hassle about any trip and not being able to afford to do anything (eg hire anyone that made my life easier) but magically we could afford things that made his life easier.

If he's so worried about money perhaps he could get a job? That's what people who are worried about money do.

I hope you are starting to see that the games never stop, not even for a second. I know you feel like you don't have options but maybe that's because he made you feel like that. Because you do really.

Your mum sounds amazing. I'm so glad you are going, and he will pull out all the stops to prevent it because he knows she is on your side. I'm think heart attack/panic attack. Possibly a hospitalisation, or at the very least doctors orders to stay in bed. Maybe a back sprain?

Or there will be an emergency which requires you to return, almost certainly child related. One will be 'seriously injured' or 'very unwell' because he knows that's your weak point. You aren't going to ignore a sick or injured child and he knows that. So you will rush home only to find it's not that bad and he will be indignant and angry if you say anything.

They are YOUR CHILDREN, kind of thing. So think about how you will head this off at the pass. Make a little backup plan with a friend here. And enjoy the lovely weather and seeing your lovely mum. She sounds wise and she ONLY cares about you.

Do you think you could start your business from there? No wonder he wants to get her in the UK, he wants her under his control.

Honestly it's just ridiculous how predictable he is. No fucking imagination at all. You are twice the person he will ever be and I hope you are starting to see that.

Anxiety is completely normal. I used to be so stressed - and I'd never been before. His sister sees his phone number come up when he calls and gets a knot in her stomach. It's absolutely what happens and if can happen to anyone.

It's no wonder so many of these men are failing in their professional lives.

How could they be successful, when they spend so much time trying to control and micro manage their wives and family's.

Such wasters.

You are getting there OP.

You will get there.

Good point billy! My ex business partner is a resounding failure. Getting him out of my life is the best thing I ever did. Delaying it and thinking I could deal with it the worst. Oh well you live and learn.

My anxiety is a lot better since I left XH. You're doing great.

Ha, thanks! I’m the only person in the world to muck up flights though. Brother and dh said go on tues week, cheaper, and I got so stressed about how long I’d be away for so have managed to change them to Tuesday week and then they don’t actually give yo the money back, so not cheaper and now..agh, I’m an idiot! And I just want to see mum.
Then when I said Tuesday and I was worried about you all ( worried about telling you) so I didn’t book longer he said, ‘ oh we’re ok’ so all my stress was wasted. Except he asked how much the flights were, which usually gets met with disapproval and me saying my mum will pay . I get into such an exhausting pickle. Now i have to waste time till tues when I could have gone on sat..agh! Thanks for saying about the anxiety. It’s endless and always. And exhausting and makes you do daft things that people then think you’re mad for.
Tucked up with Hot choc and codependent no more. Rather think am more codependen than ever previously suspected!

Thanks for saying about anxiety, y’all. Vodka, I really feel for his sister, but it’s reassuring to know it can happen to anyone. And thanks everyone. You are so reassuring. Still smiling and waving xxx

Especially as you’ve all obv been through massive heartbreaking, confidence destroying crap yourselves and come through it. Total respect.

Oh I mucked up flights when he was around! Yep. They make you feel so judged and on edge and it's hard to think straight. Forgive yourself. This won't happen when you leave.
Weirdly they actually quite like it when you mess something up and are not always nasty about it. At the time. Though happy to remind you of it in front of other people later....,,
If he starts getting funny about Mum you could make up some load of shit about how she wants to talk to you about a small inheritance she wants to give you soon.
His 'there's something in it for me' instinct will kick in and he will be spending it in his head 😂

If he is being nice and reasonable about you going, be worried. This means you don't know how he is going to mess with you yet.

It will all be FINE, if you prepare like Katy and others suggest.

In fact I bet you will get a boost from it. I can see him pulling some nonsense to mess with you but you will grey rock the shit out of it and counter it successfully because you had quietly planned for that scenario.

Yes you will be sad that he is such a predictable bellend but also feeling strong at how you countered his pathetic attempts at control. His power reduces and yours grows.

You know how he set you up for asking to visit your mum? Could you do similar? What decoys could you set for him to attempt to derail your trip before, during and after?