20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Following this, keep going op.

Thanks tork! I hope you are right, you are - it is beginning to. Thanks billy. I do! Big hugs.

Just saw these. Doodah, thanks for the encouragement, that means a lot. And tork, yo dah you sound like! 💐

Your recovery time to surface is shortening. You lost at most a day to his mood today. Tomorrow you'll roar ahead at work again. That's a lot faster than previously isn't it?

Yoda, ha! My lockdown body is starting to look a bit like Yoda's tbh.

Tork thanks for reminding me! I’d have been devastated for ages before.
So that s plus.
You turning green sounds a bit of a worry though!

Tork is right, he set that up by saying how brave your mum was - like a trap for you to fall into.

I remember close to when we separated, I decided not to respond to my ex’s attempts to get a rise out of me. I just breathed through them (like I focused on breathing and not responding) and then made small talk. It became really obvious that he upped the attempts to get a response. And he chose things which he knew would upset me.

To be honest, at this stage, if you are getting concerned calls from neighbours, you really do have to get one of the first available flights you can to see your mum. All you need to say is x called, they are worried about mum so I have no choice about going, it is the right thing to do. I have booked tickets to go on x days.

The anxiety is there for a reason. It is to protect you. The only way to get rid of the anxiety fully is to not be with him so your body and mind can relax. But until you get to that point, befriend the anxiety (In other words, recognise and acknowledge its presence and do not try to bat it down because that takes more energy) and breathe through it. It will not kill you, it is there to protect you. But stop and think about it - you are anxious about telling your partner you are going to visit your elderly and potentially ailing mother. Is this really the future you want? I think this is the point where you feel the fear and do it anyway. Whatever he comes out with, you just say ‘this is the right thing to do’. Rinse and repeat. Except he probably won’t give you the doomsday speech as that will have failed - you will book the tickets and he will say, ah yes, brilliant idea I knew you would do that - like yesterday never happened so you have no idea which way is up. Or he will come up with something else - probably some illness just as you are about to go.

Exhausting. But booking the flights despite the anxiety, going despite the anxiety is going to give you strength for the next steps. You can do this.

Book something which is flexible in terms of dates even if it is more expensive - just in case he comes down with suspected covid 19 or something and you all need to self-isolate for fourteen days.

Thanks Katy. I really need to hear your clear advice.
Yesterday when I thought we’d be going it was like, oh that’s what it must feel like to have a supportive partner. Like you said earlier, someone who says,’well find the money , go’. It felt like drinking clear water, feeling free. Can’t believe Am so anxious, this happens every time. Breathing through it as you suggest.
Haven’t slept again. Waking with anxiety for our, and my, and the kids situ. Thanks tork for pointing out it’s not that dire. It’s just that I feel we will make more and more crap choices. The article meikle(?) posted said something about you have standards, were not going to eat tinned food and then that drops and you say, we have standards, we don’t eat reduced foods ( or whatever but you get the drift) . Just feel like we are in that. It could have been so much better. Hard to realise but his taking his stress out on me And never considering another POV. has led to more and more crap consequences.
I’m exhausted! And worried. Will go see mum this week, without kids.
Again, Am so glad you are here.

small steps. Each one matters.

You are catastrophising this morning when you were not yesterday and the trigger was his stress and emotional manipulation. That is his parcel to put on the table, not yours to pick up.

I did a meditation once after I left, and honestly, I had this image of myself literally laden down with baggage so I mentally put it all down. Of course one cannot do this overnight, because it has become ingrained, but the point is to recognise you are carrying someone else’s emotional baggage (whether willingly or through manipulation) and put it down. It is theirs to carry, not yours.

Maybe not for now because going to visit your mum is the next step just now. But if you did sell the house, and you are working with your business on the side, would you - as a single parent - have enough, for example with whatever state support you get on top (I don’t know as I don’t qualify) to have your own place and life? As I say, not for thinking about right now, but at some point, even doing the sums, speaking to a solicitor about what the financial settlement would look like is going to give you knowledge about your options. As I say, not necessarily for now, but worth bearing in mind.

He is not stressed it's his way of keeping you controlled and focused on him.

Once you've visited your Mum (just go get the soonest flight you can) then talk to him about selling the house, ask about what savings and pension to see how the family can survive without his high salary.

He probably has more than you ever realised/ever let on. All useful information to appease any guilt that you have. He will have £££££ and you would have been entitled to a minimum of half had you been married but he was never willing to share his wealth with you and the DC. It was affordable for you to visit your Mum every year but he's denied you that. Get angry with his deceitfulness and controlling of you.

KOKO

Thanks Katy.
The image about putting down the baggage is one I will work on. Saw a great film of Stephen Simpson who is a hypnotherapist chap helping a lady imagine climbing a hill and put down the heavy imaginary suitcase he’d given her - It was very effective, so that resonates!
Just mentioned going to Mum to him and was immediately told I had a job, ‘I don’t know if you realise but we are in a dire situation. We have to keep this all going ( waving hand at house. For ages he was saying we had to do it up to sell- hence totally demotivating me and making me unable to settle.) and you’ve got Your head in the clouds, a week won’t sort anything’ I managed to say, ‘ so you’re saying a week is impossible and longer is impossible...’ And I managed to say, ‘I would like to be able to discuss this rationally, as I neeD your help’
So he changed tactics and became mr reasonable. I can go for a week and bring her back here for a month or so ( she won’t want to) .
Again this is why it’s so confusing! Is he mr reasonable? Why is he saying she can come here? Thanks to ou ladies am pretty sure it’s more games)so, he just came and peered over my shoulder at my email and said, have you found a flight? And suggested taking the one that’s a week tues ( there’s only three) which is the cheapest.
Exhausted!
Thanks for saying baby steps, and thanks for explaining I am catastrophising through his manipulation. That is so helpful I can’t tell you. It helps me realise it’s NOT ME not me not me. I have friends and you guys who tell me it’s not so bad, there’s opportunities, We can both get low paid jobs and that’s fine, and him who is terrified and anxious and spreads that to me so that I cannot function for terror- and because I may do it wrong, and because I have my head in the clouds, and don’t realise how awful everything is.
Exhausting. And I had no idea, and am still learning.
The flicker of candle light that is the possibility of leaving just grew a little bigger.
Thank you sooo much. I’d be sucked in and devasted and not known why without you.

Just saw this random. Yes, we could have spent last summer there, but he did the , we’ll have a week in Cornwall, spain is too hot/blags/blah.and well have another holiday, later on..which of course never happened.
I’m trying to get out from under the weight of anxiety and into anger and freedom of thought.
Also wasting time picking myself up again. You are right, this is no way to live. Am not actually sure what I’m getting out of the arrangement apart from a lot of emotional stress.
That’s a big realisation actually. F@#&k.

I need to work but will check back later.

He is see-sawing about, really - going from being obstructive to giving such a generous offer (which he knows as well as you that your mother will not take up; not really Mr Reasonable as it is not practical, just wants to look like Mr Reasonable).

Ignore, ignore, ignore and find the dates and flights which work for you. You have (and need) your job so really it is your boss that you need to consult about days off, not him. But you can offer her alternative days/hours, so not a huge hurdle.

You need to get indignant.

"Stop being ridiculous, my Mum is ill - I need to go and see her urgently. Leave sorting my job to me. If you aren't capable of looking after yourself and the DC for as long as you need to there is something wrong with you"

It's all deliberate tactics so you feel indebted to his non-existent generosity! Spain... you could have gone every year on your own so cheaply whilst the DC were at school or on holiday but he stopped you

I’ve got patterns too! Now the familiar feeling of depression and being stuck and grey and not being able to work out why has landed. Only difference is, with your help, I can now work out why. It’s HIS stuff. Putting it on the bloody table, with all the crappy mucky breakfast plates. Hot coffee, moving on. NOT sinking down.

Just saw your replies, will ignore his flight choice! That’s the other thing, I then get tied up in knots trying to predict what is best and then he’ll get me on a financial front, so just choosing a flight is beyond exhausting.
Yes, I never understood why he didn’t like it - everyone else loves it and loves mum. And of course it would have been the cheaper option. Last year I was so excited to go, as soon as the kids left school for 2 weeks, or maybe longer - after all, he doesn’t need us there to go to work. ( or is that selfish) but no, we had to do a week in Britain. Which is fine, but not the adventures I’d like to take the kids on!
Thanks guys.

Do you know one of the reasons I left? Because I want to go to India, and he would have never agreed to this. I mean, there were many reasons but that is one of them.

Fcuk.

Sorry Katy! Typed that before I saw your message! Yes, I’d like to take the kids to those sort of places too . Hope you get there

He probably just wanted to isolate you from your Mum because she would have told you what he was up to with clarity.

You could have gone in May or Oct half term when the weather is cooler or shock horror let you go on your own! What a wonderful thing for the DC to have that sort of holiday so cheap AND spend time with their grandparent.

wow you’re doing amazing and your thought process has come so far. Keep grounding yourself and breathing through the anxieties he throws at you. Remind yourself of the long game and what you have achieved so far. Within the time you started this thread you have restarted your business, got a job, booked a flight to see your mom and most importantly you have changed your mindset, which has enabled you to do all of the above. You are amazing!

I know random, he was always too busy at work to look after the kids. We usually got there ( without him) in october😀and last year had Easter As Well, so it’s not all bad. It was just enormous struggle to get there - I’d b an emotional wreck, and then he’d have flu When I got back. 😜spot on random. ! She has mentioned that he was bullying me and was concerned. It sounds mad but I didn’t know which way was up at that time. An was so lost and stuck, and dint know he was abusive - well he wasn’t hitting me.
The year he did come, he was awful, yelled because I’d hired a car, not got a taxi, insisted I put him on the insurance, yelled at my driving. ( then he had a near miss, ha!) and insisted we look for new flights home because there were storms predicted, so yes, I’m now realising , made it all about him. Omg! He really did, didn’t he.
After all that when We were there, and I did ring him ( he never rang us) he’d be with his mates quite happy.
And I say again, Fcuk.
Just booked flights! Not the cheapest ( thanks!) which was tues week, but sat, which is soonest. And I’ve booked 10 days as it’s such a hike to get there and you have spurred me on - am realising my thought of taking the kids later probably won’t happen. So longer than the defined week! And it’s a cheap flight back so I can buy a different one if I have to.
I haven’t seen her since October and she’s gone through lockdown totally alone which is awful.
I’d take kids and go all summer, but I think I need to see how she is first.
Big hugs and gratitude xxx

Hi ogham, I just saw this, and it’s made me cry! Thank you for That. Doesn’t feel like it so it’s very very nice to hear.

Delighted you have booked your flights without him.

Well done