20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Has he mentioned your pension again? Remember to shut his requests down with "I have worked since I was 18 and it's all I have meanwhile you have a much larger one and redundancy to keep the family going first".

If he brings up you not earning/working for the last x years "If I haven't been doing anything for the family all those years why have you objected to doing any of it so I can work?" Or "I worked for the our family all that time and you just wouldn't pay into a pension for me all that time"

You can also throw in "well if we were married money wouldn't be an issue because it would be shared". You could lead him a merry dance organising a big wedding next summer.

You would love to get married and want x y z if he arranges it for summer 2021 you will be there. Your list of requirements needs to be long and fussy, you want 3 quotes for stuff and then either over decisions. You need to make it as big as possible to make it more difficult to find a venue. Find fault with every venue - too big for the number of guests, too formal, too scruffy. He will need to give you £2k for a dress. You will need a trip away wedding dress shopping.

Seriously you could keep him very very very busy and after waiting X years waiting for him to marry you then you insist on a proper wedding not eloping it needs to be a statement event as you deserve after being patient for 18 years.

If he starts saying you need to pay half the family costs that he usually has paid remind him that he isn't doing all the housework and full time child rearing - once you have had 7 years earning without contributing you will then start paying in.

Basically use his own tactics and arguments to screw him over...

@RandomMess the big wedding plan is genius I almost feel sorry for this guy as it's just him against the strategic thinking power of mumsnet.

@Treatelikeamaid I love it that you have ignored Fathers Day. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Stay strong, you are winning for now - like others I think you ultimately can't win the war with personalities like his but you can win battles along the way.

😀thanks random, you’re a star . Think he is a bit puzzled! Extra eggs benedict for you ❤️

Is your business online sales? PM me the link please.

I need to lose weight so alas no hollandaise on mine

I have spinach, mushrooms and poached eggs for brunch most days, sometime treat myself and include a slice of toast 😆

When I have a lot of work to crack through then I get up at 5am. It is frightening how much you can get through in 3 hours when it is quiet. Harder to do in winter when it is dark but it’s much easier in mid summer.

Also when he’s interrupting you - could you wear headphones when you are working away? Find that helpful for blocking out random noises, or would it be a red rag to a bull and make him feel like being deliberately disruptive?

Thanks everyone. You are funny - and cunning! When I mentioned we could go see mum now he came up with a string of reasons why not, money being one of them, and is now having a major wobble re ever getting another job - It’s horrible. Needing a handhold! It’s all crashing around my ears. The future does look bleak and I’m soo anxious. He’s made crap choices and I followed along with them, and now I’m stuffed too....agh!
GOT to get more business focussed. With all this drama I’m way behind getting a revised website up. I CAN do it - I can get that killer instinct you mention vodka!
Whatwould, thank you for your offer! Very intriguing, random that’s soooo healthy! You are amazing!
Comets se, yes good idea, I’m awake anyway, may as well get scheming , and vodka, marks hollandaise?! Melt butter beat an egg in, squirt of lemon juice, done. Good enough! Not sure what Gordon Ramsey would say tho.
Thanks just writin this has calmed me down. F*k this anxiety!

You need something for you - visit your mum. This is one of his absolute no-nos, as you know.

He wheels out the big guns to make it about him and keep you under control - crippling mental health issues suddenly rear their head.

Funny how that wasn't triggered by the idea of using your pension. Funny how he tried to talk you out of taking that job if he's so worried.

Load of shite. Don't fall for it.

Remember, visiting your mum seems to be one of his red lines. He has decided it will never happen. It seems to be symbolic of his control over you, to him more than you possibly.

This morning's episode is chilling in it's display of manipulative control.

You were feeling great at 7am, in control of your life and business, plans for the future looking better than ever. I guess that's why you felt comfortable talking about visiting your mum. He took the opportunity to crush your spirit, scare you and make himself the poor little victim.

Your whole life is not crashing round your ears. It is re-forming.

Treatedlijeamaid I so nearly added last time that he would start to get nasty soon and said nothing as I didn't want to be negative. And here we are.

Make the booking behind his back and go without telling him. It's the only way. What can he do, call the police? Send him a text saying gone to see mum and will see you on x date. Put your computer, important papers and work stuff in the car just in case. He'll freak that you're leaving him (well you could couldn't you?). Just go, please.

re websites pm me - I'm not a web designer but have just had a very complex e commerce one built and have spent the last 4 years looking at various options as what I wanted was too ambitious for most platforms.

For startups I like shopify. Or square space. The most beautiful designs in the market, and very easy to use.

Random that is totally genius!!! Perfect for him! Getting him to pay and leaving him standing at the altar would of course be the height of evil and satisfaction.. but not sure he would fall for it.

I second not doing too much on your web site. It can be a distraction from the real business of getting business.

Getting your site referenced all over the internet is more important than getting the site perfect

100% Tork. I spent years doing our own SEO and we did incredibly well as a result for years with an almost zero advertising budget. It's changed now of course and depends on your audience etc but a
shopify or square space allows you to just use a template, change it slightly, and fill in the forms pretty much. And have the SEO for the site built in (you add the wording).
Then it's the marketing that counts.
I'd also put the domain name and website in my mums name OP. You need to keep his grubby little hands off it.

God you need to unhook your star from his wagon OP. He's just a big dead weight. Nothing will happen till you do - or you will be extremely stressed a lot of the time. Please start planning that - talk to your mum when you see her she may have some ideas.

See this is his MO to have you so stressed about money by telling you fake concerns about future jobs. Do you know what if need be he can get a low or even minimum wage job. He just wants to be the centre of attention so you are worried about him and giving him all your time and emotional support!!!!

Could this be the time to suggest selling the house and buying a cheaper one??? This means he could help sort out all the crap, decorate to get the best price etc etc. Would make separating so much easier once the house is up for sale and you have offers etc.

The wedding wasn't about leaving him standing at the later it's about keeping him busy with a pointless task!! He will never find a venue that you agree to.

Screw him about visiting your Mum, just tell him it's happening as you never know when you will next see her - show very dare he try and stop you.

Again, deep breaths - another cup of fresh coffee. He is merely trying his usual tactics!

Okay, so when he is having a major wobble, what form does this take so that your world, your ideas and spark come crashing down around you?

The situation you are in was no different between when you posted at about 8am and when you posted a couple of hours later. What seems to have happened in between is that you probably were all happy and perky, mentioned going to meet your mum and he has given you financial doomsday as why you cannot? And then you have sponged his emotions up like they are your own. Which of course they are not.

It is another form of control, he is bringing you down. It is precisely timed to make you stop thinking about seeing your mum. Stopping someone seeing friends and family is control, isolating someone from their support is control. If he said you are not going to see your mother, I forbid it, that would be obviously controlling. So what he has done is give you a whole lot of financial doomsday scenario whereby one return flight is going to be what breaks your family; or how he cannot get a job and all your attention needs to support him; or how you have a job, a business and the family to look after, how can you think of going somewhere for even a weekend? Whatever he actually said. All of those arguments set your head spinning because you need to think you me way out of them. So not only has he stopped you planning to see your mother (not even going, but planning, just mentioning it) but you have lost your spark and positivity, because he also wants to bring you down. And if that was not the intention, it is certainly the effect. (Although I came to the conclusion it was intentional in my case).

A loving, supportive partner would say, good idea to see your mother. We will find the money. End of.

You need nerves of steel to constantly live with this manipulation and control.

OP,
Great advice above.

Suggesting selling the house is a great idea.
It will let him know just how unsentimental you are.
Go and see your mother.
Book it and go.

I would hate for you to have even bigger regrets about not seeing her because of him.
Seeing her should be a priority.
Definitely take anything to do with the business with you.

You are growing stronger every day.

I do not like the wedding idea. That would be soul destroying.

I would nudge him towards spending more time on his business. Not in a positive way because that will backfire. Commiserate about how his business does not seem to be progressing, wonder aloud whether his partners are serious or not, how he doesn't have much to do, etc.

Basically have a slight downer on it and then he will fight to prove how busy he is and leave you alone a bit.

Omg. I’m glad you are here. Will reply later, tonight xxx

I agree no game-playing, tempting as it is to send him on a wild goose chase or play him at his own game. It is hard enough to keep sane with this madness without adding new strands. Focus on your own business, protecting your own well-being and planning an exit strategy.

I definitely think persuading him to sell the house or getting it ready to put on the market is worth it.

Any stressing from him about jobs you can remind him every time that he can always get a minimum wage job. Hopefully this may stop him whining to you about it.

Definitely go visit your mom. Let on she has some valuables to give you and he’ll soon be happy to let you go 🙄.. He’s extremely manipulative and controlling. As others have said, bring your laptop and paperwork involving your business with you. This separation really breaks my heart.

Hi. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are right, as soon as I mention going to see mum, it’s the same old pressure. I get so worn down and anxious and then I’m confused and frightened because I don’t understand why I’m losing the plot.and embarrassed because people think I’m over sensitive, and I’m somehow wrong, and I know I’m not...

Yesterday I was happy - he’d been saying how brave mum was and how it would be lovely to go and see her, and I actually thought, ‘ this is lovely! We’re being normal’ Then today, vodka, you were right, Tork andkjatysun, , that is exactly what has happened. Exactly. financial doomsday scenario whereby one return flight is going to be what breaks your family; or how he cannot get a job and all your attention needs to support him; or how you have a job, a business and the family to look after, how can you think of going somewhere for even a weekend? where you hiding in the fridge?! It’s all such a bleak future that when a friend called i was so wound up I burst into tears. They said, ‘ ah there’s a whole world out there, you’ll be ok. ‘ and suddenly it seemed doable again. Just realising this has been going on for aeons. I’m always anxious. how do I not soak up his emotions like the sponge?
Thanks billy and ogham.
Just had a call from mums friend they are all worried about her being forgetful. So I have to go out there. I’m still anxious at telling him. And I know that’s ridiculous.
Thanks for helping me through this maze. It’s crazy that I can’t see it. Or I bob up to the surface and then get pulled under again.

You will find yourself spending more and more time on the surface.

As for absorbing his emotions, well, I reckon it will get easier as you realise they are manipulations not emotions.

I bet you can remember a time when the children were small when something bad happened, they were distraught, your heart bled for them, you comforted and held them. Then in the midst of the tears they said or did something or you noticed something that made you realise they were putting it on or had done something spectacularly naughty. Remember how your heart hardened in that moment? Remember how you thought something like Oh you little sod!!! then marched them sternly to the naughty step or had sharp words? The tears of woe lost all power in that moment? Same thing will happen.

OP, all these realisations are edging you closer to making big changes.

He is an absolute horror of an excuse of a man.

Thanks be to christ ye are not married.
Hang on to that huge bit of luck.

You can have a different life.
You so deserve a different life.

Bleak future? I don't think so. You have a house with equity. You have a job. You have a business. He has a nascent business too. He can get some job like you. He has had a payout.

That's not a financially bleak situation at all.

You tried to cross his mum-visit red line. He set you up for an attempt yesterday. Today he ripped your emotions to shreds. I bet he is feeling good now. I bet he has a spring in his step tomorrow even if he is officially moping. He still has it. He can still crush you at will. Smug he will be.