20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Tiny, baby steps, but well done for starting out on the journey!

I wasn't really scared of my XH, but I did start to feel utter contempt for him, but that contempt helped me to learn how to 'grey rock' him. It's easier to say 'that's your opinion and you are entitled to it' when you hold them in contempt rather than fear.

And I said it a lot. Practically every time he criticised me, in the end.

Aren't you the one with the 'teeny business' that actually was starting to do well till he sabotaged it? Get that going again!

See a solicitor- you should be able to get out with money from your accounts. Depending on what's what you may be able to stay in the house if not I would get the diy (or dbse- done by someone else) done ASAP as you can not trust him to oversee this or sell the house. Unless he buys you out.

It's a case of working out an exit strategy that minimises the damage he can do and leaves you in the strongest position possible. He's not actually that 'mild' you just haven't inconvenienced him too much yet. Once you are of no use to him you'll see his true colours.

And great book recommendations above!

The book recs were on page one I think. Confused when typing as I could see them there 😁

Asking that he does not swear at you, whether in front of the children, is not micro-managing, it is expecting that he does not use abusive language towards you which is surely a minimum requirement in a relationship.

The children here are a bit of a red herring - of course it is worse that he did it in front of them, but the problem is that he swore at you in that way at all.

That is only a short reply as trying to work so will come back and read later. Don’t let him stop you enjoying Dd’s birthday (presuming it is today).

All down op, swearing at your partner is not normal and is being verbally abusive, it's not micro managing at all. Stick to your guns

One other thing, maybe try not to worry to much about the diy that needs doing to the house... an estate agent can always sell that as letting the new owner ‘put their own stamp on it’ Just a thought if it might help to leave quicker...

I think you still have a little while to go before you actually leave so in the meantime - the books (maybe on audible?), the business, and just being stronger with him.

I think the one illusion that takes a very long time to go away is that you can manage his behaviour. You can improve it for periods of time and improve how you feel about it for periods of time but that's pretty much it. As long as you work towards your exit at the same time.

Zaphod I wasn't scared of my ex business partner (I gave him terrible grief actually till it got tricky in front of staff as he had no problem escalating) - but the situation caused me so much anxiety. Just the whole head fuckness of it. I just never saw the point of any of it but then I guess you don't do you? Who can understand that kind of behaviour if you're not one of them.

They literally don't care what they do and who they do it in front of unless they think that not only will the other people not be impressed but there will be consequences. But generally people like to keep out of it. They don't want to be on the receiving end of it either. Ugh. So glad it's over.

I think the hardest but most important thing is to try and decentre your thoughts from him. In other words, try and break the monopoly of perception. Make your own plans, know what are realistic growth steps for your business, indeed find out your legal position and try not to make how you feel about this all dependent on his mood of the day but about your longer term goals.

Of course you want him to have changed and be a great husband because that is why you got married and that is what we all wanted really; but experience probably tells you this nice phase won’t last (cycle of abuse; he is being nice as he knows he over-stepped with the swearing, it is the equivalent of buying you flowers after he has decked you one) and you will just feel more wrong-footed when the next abusive phase comes along. The point is that you end up not knowing which way is up.

Leaving is a process not an event. It takes time to work out what to do for the best. And in my experience, the leaving dragged on even after we had physically separated (we are still not actually divorced which is a whole other story). I envisaged it a bit like drawing the radius of space around me slowly wider and wider.

I’ve been wondering how you’ve been getting on but couldn’t find post. That’s amazing about the presents! But such a shame that he’s even being like that on a birthday. Such a shit thing to do.

I mean your response was brilliant. Not amazing that he was trying to be controlling.

Oh thanks Twisty! That made me laugh, and cheered me up!
And thanks Katysun.
I’m trying hard to focus on me - and my life, as you are right, it’s easy to let thoughts of them monopolise and drain you. I like that you say it’s an ever widening circle. Actually really appreciate everyone s sensible thoughts.and that no ones blindly saying LTB. That would just add another layer of stress atm
Thank you for corroborating my thoughts. I think the nice behaviour is as you and vodka say, unfortunately.all an act.which he may not even know he’s doing cos he doesn’t know what else people do? Or no, he knows, he just doesn’t realise the impact. Or he does, and wants to feel good as katysun says.
Now he’s asking constantly about the business, and suddenly he’s always thought it was a great idea.
Smiling and waving! And muttering, ‘I can do this’ under my breath! Ala Zaphod 😀right! Coffee. Enjoy the sun everyone and thanks . It’s a really wonderful morale boost to have your support and that you are gently showing me I’m not going mad. Lots of xxx

Hope the rest of your day has been ok

Thanks twisty. To you too.
Actually Got myself in a right state of utter anxiety. But we actually went on a bike ride! All of us! Dd felt feint and dh was v nice and suggested we walked up a little slope to sit At the top till till she felt better. Wel, she plonked down at the bottom of the slope. And recovered, and then wanted to explore at the top.
Dh said, ‘ well, I wanted to sit at the top of the slope, but I could hear mum going mah mah mah, so I’ve sat at the bottom and now I don’t want to move again’.
I lightly said,’ well Of course you wouldn’t drag a poorly dd to the top of the slope just cos you wanted to go there, that would be crazy’.
But it’s struck me that he’s not thinking of dd, he’s thinking of what he wants to do and how I’ll nag. I guess at least he’s thinking!
We cooked dinner together too. Maybe things are improving? Impossible to know x I’m Getting very petty here! It’s good there’s nothing else to report atm. 💐to you all.

I don’t think saying blindly LTB helps really if that is not a realistic option. however, getting yourself into a position where you are financially autonomous and could leave if and when you decide to is important, as is knowing there are support organisations such as Women’s Aid who will advise and help as and when you need it. So that you don’t feel stuck and hopeless but like you have options and indeed more confidence.

I do think it is insidious really of him to reference his choices and behaviour in relation to you. Where he chose to sit was nothing to do with your ‘nagging’ or otherwise, he is an adult, he is also quite capable of getting up again without acting like a child or continuing to the top himself if he so wishes and saying he would wait up there or come back depending which was best. But nope, he still manages to shoehorn in somehow that you are at fault and responsible for his inability to move. I mean, just why, if not to make you feel bad or react in some way to his blame game.

Simple answer: okay but we are going to the top now, see you after. But it is wearing, always having to consider how you react.

So no, I don’t think you are being petty. He doesn’t need to reference his actions and behaviour negatively in relation to you, he just needs to get on with it. But on balance, if day to day life feels easier just now, that is a good thing. Just keep observing and try not to get drawn into the blame game, and take the time to focus on your own mental well-being.

I mean, put it this way, I think your anxiety would decrease and your mental well-being improve if you were not with this man, but I recognise that this is not a viable option right now; so it is about making it viable and having choices - but also knowing where to go for help if it gets worse. Hopefully that makes sense. You are not stuck here.

Phew katysun, thank you very much for that clear explanation. It’s absurd, but I didn’t understand what was going on- I feel like I’m being over sensitive and am puzzled as to why I constantly feel a bit in the wrong. I could never put my finger on it. you have explained really well. Thank you.
I actually called something like wa, and they were v nice but obviously snowed under as their first question was, ‘is he hitting you’ . I also am aware of the total utter horror some people are going through, so I don’t think that’s for me. But I will find out where I stand, and am prioritising my mental health. Being so anxious every day is hellish.
I’ve found getting up early and getting on with things helps, and will follow tips posted earlier.
Anyone got any tips for ds? He can sound quite dismissive and superior and I think he’s copying dad. Or maybe he’s just 12. But this was mentioned before, will re read thread. Thank you very much. I feel like the fog is becoming whispier. Thanks very very much x

Just thinking about how many crap financial decisions made. You are right, and I let him. The house is sooo shabby and unloved. I need to get over thinking how he’ll moan about money, or I’ve done it wrong. I need to imagine he’s not here basically! My own thoughts are still squashing me down, and holding me back.
Cripes!

That is a fairly rubbish advice from WA, but the answer is he has threatened to, he has thrown me out of a car at the side of a dual carriageway and his behaviour towards me is intimidating. Of course you should not have to spell out that you don’t want it to escalate to violence before seeking advice. To be honest, I remember the first time I spoke to WA after we separated and I was getting an awful lot of harassment, their advice was just stop all contact and let him take you to court. I did not find that hugely helpful as my smallest was a toddler and my first solicitor scared me with what contact she said he would get.

It turned out that she was actually right that the courts were needed, but when that became clear I phoned Rights of Women who then referred me on to WA as well and at that point, they were super helpful. (Plus I got a new solicitor and the level of contact first one said is nowhere near what the courts ordered).

So I guess my point is, even though this might not seem relevant right now, is not to be put off seeking the support and help you need in the future.

*physical violence

*take me to court (jeez🙄)

He sounds abusive, what would your life look like if you dumped him?

Yeah that’s shit advice from DV service. Although physical violence is one risk factor, there are plenty of others. It may be that atm they’re having to prioritise physical abuse as there has been such a huge increase of calls to services. Don’t let it make you feel like your situation is less ‘serious’ or valid.

I've been reading this thread and I'm amazed at how similar it is to my own marriage. I'm a writer, but H was always undermining my confidence (hi Zaphod, I hope I will follow your steps in my future!)

I managed to leave home in January and moved away with DC. I moved to a different country, had to find a flat, deal with new school and then lockdown. And STILL I've written more in these last 5 months than in all the previous years!

OP, one day something clicked in me and I realized: "this behaviour is not acceptable" - this sentence flashed in my brain every time he did something like your bike ride episode.

Then, there was no way back.

From what you say, maybe you're getting very close to this click.

Other important moment for me was when he had a massive outburst and I thought "I'd be happier living on benefits or with no money than living like this." When I realized that, the big house and the car stopped meaning anything.

I'm now in a tiny flat, alone with DC 24/7, moving boxes still around, beds with mismatched bedlinen and haven't bought an oven yet. And I am way happier!

Oh katysun, I’m sorry you’ve been through that, I can’t imagine. Im so impressed with your strength x.
bring on, thanks Very much for sharing that. You are an inspiring lady! that sounds tough, I’m pleased you’re happy! I think you’re right btw. The clicks are getting more noticeable- mainly because thanks to everyone here I’m now realising what’s acceptable. Longtime, that’s the question! Buts as Bringiton says, I could live in a tiny flat on benefits which gives me strength - I don’t need to be scared by his fears for the future.
I’m beginning to reconnect with old friends and am amazed at the different lives out there. Zoom is one good thing to come out of all this!
And realise friends give me strength too, it’s too easy to get lost in this wierd bubble of distorted thinking.
Well done with the writing. That’s super cool - let us know when you have successes so we can celebrate Your small wins ( no pressure!)
Thanks again everyone. Obviously can’t share this with friends so really appreciate you xxx