20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Which is the last thing you need! Build yourself up, don't put yourself down. He does more than enough of that already

He might now use his new business idea and job hunting to poop all over you and yours.

Any sign of that yet?

How do people stay strong? The physical basics have to be in place. Work on one thing at a time - one habit a week. Start from where you are at and adapt it slowly.

Sleep well.
Exercise.
Get into nature.

Nourish yourself emotionally:
Connect with radiating friends.
Swerve the draining friends.
Protect and grow your interior life.

Take it hour by hour. Know your direction.

Have someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to.

You are doing great. Lucky to have started this journey before this news broke. As PP have said don’t absorb this drama for him. Protect your DCs. Ensure there is love and joy for them.

Do not let him rope you in to his new business as some kind of menial. He may try it, throwing you a sop like 'oh, you can do the books for us/type stuff up for us/work in a PT capacity as a xxxx'. He would use it as a stick to beat you with forever, criticise your work and make sure that you never got the time to set up your own business.

If he so much as suggests it, tell him no, you've got your own projects to work on.

This might well be your escape route.....if you were finding it hard to drag yourself forward - the world turned upside down and inside out means you have potentially an opportunity to land somewhere different in this flux .... consider how you could spin it for you.

Why does it seem pointless atm

Surely you building a business and building your independence has more of a point than ever?

I have been thinking about your situation and this latest development on and off all day, and I don’t really want to overwhelm you with advice which might be unhelpful.

I think the first point I wanted to make was that I agree with self-care along the lines of what Gutterton suggests. I would probably add that I think it is okay not to be strong all the time - if you think about resilience, that is about bouncing back, not being on top of everything all the time. So be kind to yourself as well, this is a lot to deal with. Losing my job as a single parent ranks up there with something happening to my children as nightmare scenarios, so I imagine this is very scary.

I guess my focus would be - what real life support do you have, and what support can you draw on? Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Do you and the children have somewhere to go in an emergency? I am not saying you should go or would need to, I guess the question is if you were totally on your uppers, do you have somewhere to go?

If you can answer that question positively, then the situation becomes a bit less scary. Of course no-one wants to end up back at their parents as an adult, and I am not suggesting you will.

I suppose that would be my starting point to deal with the anxiety - to work out where my real life support is. (I already suggested contact Women’s Aid, I would still suggest that).

Then of course I do not want to end up at my parents, although they would have us - so what can I do to earn money? You have a business to develop. This is a big plus. Then on top of that, what benefits might you be entitled to as a family (try the Citizen’s Advice Bureau)

And work from there in terms of what you need.

Of course, I am talking about you, because this situation needs to be viable for you. What happens with your marriage is sort of an added extra which will sort itself out in time. RandomMess is correct that you need as much time to develop your business as he does to start up his.

So my advice would be to make sure that you have the time and resources you need, be clear about what support you have, and take it one step at a time from there. To that extent, what you need to do has not really changed, it has just become more pressing and probably more scary, but as previous posters have said, you don’t need to get drawn into his work plans, you do need to have a good handle on your joint finances and what needs done with mortgages and loans (hence financial transparency). One step at a time. Courage.

And if you think working on your business is pointless because all your mental energy will get sucked into his plans, then the simple answer to that is simply to say no. Be clear what hours you are both working and stick to it. Your business - your issue; his plans are his.

@Zaphodsotherhead

OP, he loves to give you jobs and berate you...I'm thinking your finances.

Do NOT allow him to rope you in to be his office lackey.....you have your own business.

Please do not be bullied by him to become involved.

Thanks all! Have been for a walk and a coffee. Reading over what you have all written. Realising, you are right, more important than ever to get, wee business (!) off the ground. It’s not that it’s pointless, it just seems such an enormous frightening task, combined with , as Gutterton says, ensuring there is love and joy for children.
Just deleted a huge ramble! Think yourselves lucky. 😃 will carry on thinking what you have said over the day. katysun, thank you for thinking of me during the day! I’m enormously touched. Don’t have resources as such - no family really- so you all are really holding me up atm.
Massive thanks to you all, I may not be making much sense. Coffee I think. Have a good day all.

Hi Treated. I'm so sorry that you've had this big shock, on top of everything else. I know this is easier said than done, but please be kind to yourself. You talk of the 'enormous frightening task' of getting your business started, so it might help to break the process down in your mind into smaller, more manageable stages.

I've just downloaded a hypnotherapy app to help me with a particular bad habit that I'm battling with, and I see that it also comes with a module for hypnotherapy for self-confidence. I'm a bit sceptical whether true self confidence can be obtained this way, but I'm going to give it a go anyway. Might this help you too? Please keep posting...we can hold your hand through this.

My husband always wants me to get as angry as him over stuff: sometimes it's stuff that only affects me, but I've taken a relaxed approach, but he seems to want me to rant and rage untill I feel sick!?
I simply say to him that I don't want to feel angry, but he is welcome to if he feels it is helpful to him. Patronising? Maybe. Does it stop him trying to force me to feel the way he wants? Yes.

I agree that it's not a 'wee' business (unless it features urine in some way, which we all devoutly hope it doesn't). It is your business and it is as valid as any other business.

I know it's hard to have faith in yourself when nobody else appears to, but sometimes you just have to mutter under your breath 'I'm GOOD at this - I can make this work!' a lot, during the day.

He just sounds like an esteem stealer. He is projecting his low self-esteem onto you.

I work with a lot of female entrepreneurs and what you are telling me is very common. You are not alone.

Find your tribe, find online networking, join a membership club, there are a ton of brilliant ones where you pay a monthly fee, they have online training you can do and the groups are incredibly supportive, find a mentor even if it is in a podcast you love and you listen daily to someone who inspires. Just keep taking those steps forward and never take business advice from someone who has never run a business.

Most importantly though you have to work on your own self-esteem. You need to call him out on his shit and tell him enough. Your job is not to make him happy that is his choice. If he chooses to sulk because he doesn't like what he hears then that is on him. You need to put up a wall to his cruel comments and put-downs the more you show him they don't impact you the less he will do it.

The more you focus on your growing your business and it becomes more successful the more the confident you will feel, the more your business will grow. This is the hamster wheel you need to be on.

Starting and growing a business is one of the biggest personal developments journeys you can go on and you have to be prepared that the dynamic of your relationship will change and you may get to a point you don't like or want to be with him any more.

You both have choices in this but your focus should be on yours and yours alone.

Hi op - I’ve been lurking in this thread, following with interest. All I wanted to say is, dig in and stay strong. Don’t be intimidated or brow beaten. Next time your husband asks “what’s the plan?” or huffs and puffs around you - stop, look him in the eye and crossly tell him to hang on a minute, he’s not your boss, he’s your partner and everything and everyone will not orbit around him and be done to suit his agenda. I wonder op, if he’s hard on himself (like his dad?) and projects that onto you as he sees you as an extension of himself. It may be easier to yell and point out your (as he frames them) mistakes to you than face his own shortcomings? If that’s the case, it might be that he’ll need to be shown the error of his ways. You’re not his verbal punchbag.

I am guessing ‘wee’ as in Scottish for little. The thought which came to mind there is no doubt Michelle Mone started off with a wee business too. Every entrepreneur does, then it grows.
I like gardening, so I guess the analogy I would use is that all plants start of as some kind of seed, then seedling, then wee plants and then grow into their full shape and form - and they do best with sufficient space and resources and nurture.

As @Zaphodsotherhead says do NOT get sucked into working for him! It will be yet another way to control and abuse you, and will leave you beholden to him for the wage for it. It also wont help you, if you decide to divorce him!

Thanks, it is soooo nice to read all your comments, just as I was having massive anxiety about everything.
Of course he is in shock and depressed, but like you say gurning, It’s like he wants me to be as depressed as he is. Yesterday I couldn’t stop crying-( worried about mum, abroad, and this)he did give me a hug and it was odd. It’s like seeing me lose it gave him strength. It feels like for years Ill give and give and listen and listen and it’s never enough.i feel like I can’t carry him as well.- though I’m sure he thinks he’s carrying me.
I’m realising I’ve been anxious for years. Everything seems to always go wrong, like massively wrong. It would be very easy to blame dh, but I’ve been too wimpy to spot it /Anxious to take steps/do something else. I’m wondering if part of anxiety is from our relationship. Things he’s yelled at me for years ago still flood cold water through me and I freeze. I’m actually wondering, now I’ve read a bit more, if this is ptsd, that one of you mentioned.
Forest, I’m a great believer in hypnotherapy, please let us know how the app goes. I’m actually booking myself in to see someone next week. It’s A nerve wracking £50, but I can’t afford to slide into an abyss, and I can feel it happening.
Thanks Better and zaphod I imagine you muttering that as you write zaphod! Better, I’ll look out for one. Ill also pin up all the nice comments I’ve had and look at them all day. I CAN do this! Now of course under huge pressure for it to make money, which freezes me up too. I have to switch my mind from that, to how proud I’ll be when I’ve see what I’ve achieved.
Thanks Katy and scratchy. No I’m not getting involved with his stuff - apart from encouraging. Katy when I do as well as ms mony I’ll send you all tickets to my island 😀
Thanks so much , you’ve given me strength to start the day. I CAN do this.
I’m blooming well gonna!

Really appreciate you guys x

www.philbenjamin.com/covid-calmer/

I found this Forest and anyone else.. it’s a free (!) zoom session where he talks and you end up feeling really relaxed. He turns off the cameras so you are not visible - and of course you can turn off your own. Did it a few weeks ago, and found it very helpful. Like having a mini holiday. Might be useful?

If you like hypnotherapy then you might like this:
www.hypnosisdownloads.com/blog/category/difficult-people

Thanks tork tork, that’s very well written and clear, and. A bit scary. Every time I try and deny dh behaviour to myself, up pops another example. Did you try any of the downloads?
Bettercare, there are a million entrepreneurs clubs out there, can you recommend any? And the other challenge is, of course, I don’t want to spend much. That’s another thing - I never know when he’ll fly off the handle if I buy stuff. I’ve realised I’m now nervous of getting dd a birthday gift. I explained to dh want I thought to get (£20) and he just nodded and warned me we don’t have any money. I know we’re not exactly flush, but I. Find myself being as cheap as possible. And now I find myself anxious about getting dd anything else. That’s being financially controlling isn’t it? Or is it just sensible and I’m being rash?
Sorry, I guess we’ve established his behaviour can be a bit pants. It’s like a wobbly tooth, I’m like, ‘yes but is this it? Or this?’ And ‘what’s reasonable now? ‘
Have post it noted your advice to walk etc guetterton. Thanks guys.

There are some freedom programme videos on you tube, if anyone interested x

I have used their hypnotherapy for a variety of things. Mainly procrastination, long distance running training and emotional eating. There's a little insight into me! I think they are brilliant. So handy. Good value. Obviously they don't solve your problems but for me they are great at getting me over a hump. I think of them as a "power up" like in a computer game when you pick up health points that then keep you going to the next level.

My female small business friends rave about the Athena network.

Is he as cheap as possible? What does he propose getting for DD? What budget does he propose for her gift? Now he is redundant what things of his own is he saying he will cut back on?