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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

244 replies

petaltothemetal71 · 19/04/2020 10:41

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

OP posts:
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 19/04/2020 11:38

Sorry - but I think you were the rude one not bothering to join the quiz when you said because you essentially had a better offer.

He went ahead with the previously agreed plans and you’re annoyed ? I don’t get it.

Then to start all this rubbish about not showing weakness in a relationship. You sound very childish. I wonder how old you are.

Do you have anxiety (or other mental health) issues as you sound like you are blowing things way out of proportion when actually you were the one in the wrong by not turning up when you said you would then going into a sulk over nothing.

EventRider1 · 19/04/2020 11:39

Christ you sound hard work OP.
So he didn't text you one evening. So what?! Maybe he fell asleep maybe he was having a good time with the quiz and didn't want to be distracted by constant messaging.

You will never have a happy long term relationship if you are this needy and are willing to end a good thing over something so trivial as an evening without a message from your partner.

ElizabethMountbatten · 19/04/2020 11:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

bluebeck · 19/04/2020 11:40

Bloody hell OP. Yes, end it, for his sake if this is what a lifetime of being with you is going to be like for him

THIS!!!

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 11:40

What has it triggered @petaltothemetal71 talk about that I think.

I have had some completely shit relationships! I was treated so badly so repeatedly and I think things only changed when I knew that if I was dumped tomorrow, I'd be FINE, at that point, nothing seem to trigger my old wounds quite so excessively.

Try it. What would happen if this ended? You'd be a bit sad for a bit? You'd recover though? You'd be absolutely fine? channel that certainty. It helps you let go of the need to control everything. It will pan out how it pans out.

Porcupineinwaiting · 19/04/2020 11:40

This is kindly meant but, if you cant even manage to cope with this, you are not in the right place to manage an adult relationship of any kind. And that's ok, you can end it kindly without blaming him.

HotGlueGun · 19/04/2020 11:40

Op.... please chill out about this. I think it was a minor slight from him that has become amplified because of lockdown and your own insecurities... about his friends, missing him etc. Please listen to the objective stance given by everyone on here. We are not living in normal times and so please don't punish this guy for something that really is no big deal. It sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities on to him. You say you have good communication with him generally BUT you really don't if you can't be honest and open with how you feel about something. Please... go for a walk, run yourself a bath, do something calming, watch a funny film and adopt a more positive mindset. You have a good guy here

Original poster
petaltothemetal71 · 19/04/2020 11:41

OK sorry you have made it very clear I am BU. I get that. I am sitting here in floods of tears. I don’t mind being told I have misjudged something and am out of line but please don’t crucify me. It was an honest mistake and I haven’t expressed it to him.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 19/04/2020 11:41

“I’ve been seeing someone for the past eighteen months. The relationship is great, the sex is great and communication is great until we’ve recently been in lockdown. Anyway, we’ve been doing a virtual pub quiz for the past three weeks but I get the impression he doesn’t really enjoy it. So last night he texted me and said he was on the phone to someone else but if I wanted I could send him the questions so he could help me. As it turned out I was able to answer the questions and then afterwards I stayed chatting to friends for a bit then I fell asleep. This morning I’ve texted him and he has responded that because I didn’t text him last night it’s clearly the beginning of the end and he’s dumped me.”

How do you think that one would play out on here OP? I suspect that you would be told by 100% of the posters that you were well rid.

Seriously I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who was as controlling as you. And it’s a bit arrogant to suggest he should need your help with something when you couldn’t be bothered to even be there anyway.

If I were him I would consider that I’d had a lucky escape. Meanwhile, before you get into any other relationship you need to grow up.

bluebell34567 · 19/04/2020 11:41

you need to work on yourself op. this is a massive overreaction.
take it easy.

Opaljewel · 19/04/2020 11:42

Sounds like maybe some counselling is in order op. I won't be unkind to you. I understand lockdown is making people feel all kinds of crazy. I did. I was having panic attacks and not sleeping. It sounds like it has triggered something in you. I would definitely get some counselling and see if you can work this out. I'm glad you managed to have a normal conversation with him because and I mean this kindly as I can, this is your issue. It sounds deep rooted and you clearly need to feel safe.

DotBall · 19/04/2020 11:42

Me me me me me me me.
That’s you.

Your man sounds fab. Grab him with both hands and keep him. Give him space, remember all the fantastic things he brings to your life and give him your best back. Not your paranoia and mistrust.

1Micem0use · 19/04/2020 11:43

You remind me of an ex. Once I turned my phone off at the cinema, forgot to turn it on again for a few hours after, and got a barrage of whiny I've been neglected, why havent you responded messages. It's really not attractive.

Opaljewel · 19/04/2020 11:43

Aww please don't cry. I get it. It sounda like you anxiety like me? Do you get relentless thoughts, can't ignore them and keep thinking on them???

DileenODoubts · 19/04/2020 11:43

Op, please use this time to read up on insecure attachments type in relationships and see if any of it rings true for you.
I used to think like you and often thought one event was a ‘sign’ or my intuition and sabotaged good relationships. I hated being vulnerable or give away power in a relationship because I’d feel so exposed.
I don’t know if it’s the same for you but maybe worth a look?
It took a lot of self work for you but I am married years now to someone lovely and being able to be fully vulnerable with him is such a relief.
Take care of yourself

HotGlueGun · 19/04/2020 11:44

Ok so now draw a line under the episode... don't read any more posts on here and restart your day. Do something lovely, reset, recharge and forget last night. Really it's nothing. Please go and enjoy your day then call him later

Opaljewel · 19/04/2020 11:44

Come on people she's admitted she made a mistake. Let's not hang her out to dry. These are crazy times be kind eh?????

Porcupineinwaiting · 19/04/2020 11:45

You don't need to beat yourself up for a honest mistake either. But it might be worth thinking about what exactly about this incident triggered you so much. Sounds like you have some old, unresolved hurt that needs dealing with.

AgeLikeWine · 19/04/2020 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stophuggingme · 19/04/2020 11:47

This is not really about him at all
I think you know that

Sorry but for your own sake as well as his and your daughters you need to deal with why you feel and react in this manner.

Mumto1girl3boys · 19/04/2020 11:47

You seem very needy, and being needy is unattractive

macaroniandpizza · 19/04/2020 11:47

He didnt reply to one message and you want to end it? Perhaps a good thing for his sake if thats how a night of him not speaking to you goes. Its healthy to have some breathing space from partners you dont need to talk/text 24/7

SavageBeauty73 · 19/04/2020 11:48

Lock down is triggering anxieties. Dig deep. He probably got pissed doing the quiz and thought you didn't want to do it. He's text this morning. It's not a big deal but emotions are magnified at the moment. Hope you feel better.

mooching · 19/04/2020 11:48

It's ok, he doesn't know you've been a bit irrational. Stop crying and do something to make yourself feel better. Also I would stop doing these quizzes if you feel insecure about them. Let him do them and you do something else.

It is harsh reading but there is some good advice on here, think about how you can make yourself more secure.

Now enjoy some time with your daughter.

MimiLaRue · 19/04/2020 11:49

OP- i say this with kindness but you are massively overreacting here.
Noone wants to feel they are walking on eggshells with a partner and honestly- this would make me feel like I had to watch every action I took in case you misinterpreted it and flew off the handle.

You are not going to meet anyone who behaves perfectly in every single scenario. You arent perfect either. He didnt cheat on you or disrespect you or do anything that I would consider to be a red flag. You need to talk to him and not accuse, but discuss it calmly. Good luck.