Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks @Menora for the suggestion of positives....

I'm loving everyones positives, what a great bunch of people we have on here.

*I love the fact I've made something of my life, I was a teenage mum, I had my son at 15 and everyone thought the worst but I've got a great job, 2 great kids, a house, a smallholding and great family.

*I love my job and I'm very well thought of for my expertise

*I'm a naturally positive person (when I dont see the ex) and think I have an aura of happiness

*I'm proud of my 2 kids, my son graduates this year with a degree in physics and my daughter is finishing her first year at college and hoping to go to Uni eventually.
I think I've done amazingly to bring them up as well rounded,lovely people.

*I left a 17 marriage filled with emotional affairs and emotional abuse and love my life now.

I don't want to bring the thread down but I'm struggling today. I found out that a group of friends had a video 'party' at the weekend and didn't invite me. It's not the first time they've organised things without me.

I don't have a wide circle of friends. This group is essentially my only friends outside of a few that I know through my hobbies. I have tried to keep in touch with them during the lockdown but apart from one, none of them have contacted me at all.

On top of this, it is 6yrs today since I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. I was the first in my friendship group to get divorced and I'm the only one who is still single. The rest are all now in LTR.

I've had one relationship that lasted nearly a year. Otherwise my dating history has just been a series of first dates with unsuitable men.

Today I'm sitting here wondering what is wrong with me that my friends don't seem to want to know me. Men aren't interested in dating me.

I feel I have achieved a lot in the last 6yrs but it means nothing because I have no one who is interested. I'm wondering whether counselling would help me understand why this keeps happening to me.

Apologies for the "woe is me" post but I just have to vent after finding out about the video party.

I'm most proud of leaving an abusive relationship and bringing my toddlers up single handedly. They still love their dad and I made sure the split was as least disruptive as I could do so, despite being terrified of him at the time. The situation crushed me but 2 years later, I'm back to myself again.

Thanks @BatshitCrazyWoman, you give me hope! For me it's less of the wealth and more of the successfulness of my iron. I guess on one level I've always been more successful than partners so used to doing everything for them (finding them jobs etc, lending money) so this is very different. It makes me a bit anxious. That said, we get along like a house on fire so I'm hoping it continues as I like him a lot.

@EchoElephant

You are allowed to feel shit about that - it is totally shit. Have you asked why they didn’t include you? Scary as that is, I would want to know! Lockdown has really shown me who cares/doesn’t and I think time for new less selfish and shit friends might be in order. They sound thoughtless and probably self absorbed - it isn’t you. It’s just that you see it now

Your achievements mean something to you. You know you have them and that’s important, no one can ever take them away from you! If you did them all by yourself then you are a strong and independent person and should be proud of that

I will be your friend!

echo I know I keep banging a drum about counselling but yes, I really do think it would help you. It's the patterns in behaviour/experiences brought out by counselling (ie talking through the past, especially childhood and teenage years) that really brought it home to me about what had happened and what I should do to move on.

Is there anyone in the group of friends who had the party that you could contact and talk about how it made you feel, to be excluded? Not sure if it's a good suggestion to make, but it may help you process your feelings about it to get them out in the open.

Thanks Menora and TigerDater.
I asked and basically I just got forgotten. There's one friend in the group who keeps in touch with me regularly and she asked why I hadn't joined them. It was assumed that someone had asked me but nobody did

Which is the story of my life, really. I've always struggled to hold onto friendships because I get forgotten about.

I will look into counselling because I need to understand what it is about my personality that causes this to happen again and again. And I believe it's affecting my ability to find a relationship.
I get ignored on the dating apps as well and then end up going on dates with men that don't want to see me again or that I know aren't right.

Don’t see counselling as a way to find out what your flaws are but more a way to improve on what you want to change x

Sorry to hear that, Echo. Sadly, quite a lot of people see a single person as a threat.

I did a course years ago and made friends with a lady who had lost her husband several years before in a tragic accident. She was pregnant at the time. She told me a lot of people distanced themselves from her. I couldn't help but think they were threatened by her single status. Imagine not being there for someone going through such pain.

@EchoElephant

So sorry to hear you are feeling low. I hope this is a blip and I really do recommend counselling. My daughter suffered terribly during our divorce and it’s equipped her immensely. Paying the £60 every 2 weeks sucked for the last 2 years because idiot ex said there is CAHMS and she should get on a 9 month waiting list . But it’s the best use of money ever IME.

Windmillwhirl that's really awful that people treated your friend like that.

But you may have a point. This group of friends were all single mums at one point and we used to quite a lot together. Now they all have partners except me. Maybe they feel I don't belong in the group any more.

Doesn't explain why I've always felt like the outsider for most of my life. I'm googling counselling in my area.

I’m the only ‘single’ one in all my friendship groups and they All have been having couples games and video chat nights. I just drink wine with the cat. Actually I have one group of friends in my neighbours who are all younger than me and always ask me to join stuff.

Usually I am the organiser for everything I really think it’s so I’m not excluded. I only realised this the last few weeks as concerts and things are cancelled and I am the one handing out the refunds.

Things I’m proud of I’ve done well in my career I’ve always done everything for dd as well and now I’m am actual single parent I am smashing it. Well surviving anyway 🤦‍♀️ Anyone else got dc full time and working full time.

Enjoying reading today lovely idea menora x

Not sure what I would say I'm proud of, probably sticking to my guns, leaving abusive ex and bringing up the kids!

Hope everyone is well in lockdown 🙂

No real new irons to report, I am still in touch with Mr Straight but only on friendly terms. I have had a fair few messages but no one I like. I'm not as into Mr Straight as I was but do pathetically enjoy talking to him so friends is fine.

I'm proud of my stubbornness/perseverance. I never gave up when a doctor told me that I would never walk again let alone dance without any pain in my foot. I never gave up when my wrist was misdiagnosed for years. I'm proud of my scars, 1 sinus operation, 2 right knee operations and 5 wrist operations later, each of my scars has its own story to tell.
I'm proud of raising thousands of pounds for 2 different charities from my events in the past 3 years. It graduated from working at events to running them myself as a way to keep busy and productive while having the various operations. I'm proud that it's now opened up a new career field for me that I love and that I can go back to dance casually and as a hobby/as much as my body will let me after having to give it up as a career.
I'm proud of always being true to myself even though years of bullying throughout primary, secondary, college and uni. Even though I don't fit in most places and I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea I have always been me. As long as I like myself and I'm happy with who I am then sod everyone who doesnt.
I'm proud of me for losing 2 stone since November 2018 and that I'm focused on losing the remaining 1.5 stone.

Before writing this out I didn't think I had a lot to be proud about but I actually do

Hi, just found this thread. Been single for approx a year after 30 year relationship. My job means my social media is very restricted and for the same reasons reluctant to put a photo on dating sites.
Are paid sites any different? How do others get around not wanting photo out there? Or is it just a case of not using sites then?
Any help welcome.

Glad you all sharing your proudness!

@firsttimedater
Echo and I proved you don’t need a photo to get any matches to be honest men will still swipe on you!

@Menora do you reckon it is worth paying a subscription? Hoping to avoid a lot of weeding out weirdos. For want of a better expression
Would like some company but a bit anxious about the whole thing.

you all have so much to be proud of.

I'm proud I (eventually) had the courage to leave a situation where I wasnt happy. also very proud of my daughter.

@firsttimedater I'm not too sure cos I'm too stingy to pay for a site lol. hopefully someone can give some advice. can you really not put a pic up? I'm always wary of people with no pic even if they say it's because it's for work. maybe I'm not very trusting.

I'm feeling a bit deflated with dating or lack of lol. I'm trying to be a bit more strict with myself. not take any nonsense like if they're def just wanting fun then not talking, as that's not just what I want, if it's like pulling teeth and generally not enjoying it then letting it pitter out. I'm finding I've not got many to talk to after all that 😂 . and I really want a chat. someone where it flows really good. u have the same humour etc.

I say no-one but have maybe 3 irons. 1 mr chef, I cancelled on before, i dont think have much in common. he said hed like to meet. isnt as chatty. not sure if because of virus or because of what I said.

2nd mr oil. also not very chatty. i do think he prob just is not a phone person. he NEVER asks any questions. he will text me first but then it seems to fall to me to keep conco going. something tells me we may get on tho. going to maybe play him at his own game. did say tonight it felt like I was interviewing him so he should take the hint 😂 we've been chatting since way before lockdown but he works away and came back during lockdown sonhavent managed to meet.

3rd mr car. he texts the most and seems nice. he seems a bit over invested tho and it is making me pull back. I felt like he was trying to ask me to not text anyone else after a week. I also think the fact he is nice and remembers to ask things is freaking me out. I think i normally text bad guys who don't do any of that. I'm also pulling back because I dont want him.or me to over invest if we haven't met

also I struggle with texting more than one if I plan on meeting them but when they dont all text often I'm often looking for someone to have a bit of chat with. I hate all this and dont want to use anyone just cos im lonely.

@firsttimedater I didn’t find the paid sites any better, in fact I found Match and GSM had more creeps/fakes etc than Tinder. I liked Tinder best. Maybe put up a scenic picture and a thoughtful written profile explaining your situation?

If it helps I started out v nervous about a picture because of my job, but relaxed once I knew that my written profile wasn’t giving out unwanted signals (eg don’t use the word ‘fun’, it means only one thing to sex pests!). There’s nothing to be ashamed of in online dating, just own it.

Wow such inspiring posts today!!

@EchoElephant your friends sound inconsiderate, that's on them!

• I'm proud of leaving my exh who was abusive and surviving the hostel
• I'm proud of the life I've built for dd
• I'm proud of my degree because I worked damned hard for it and came out with a first
• I'm proud of my status as single mum because it doesn't mean I've failed to build or retain a family, it means I've kept one going even when all I wanted to do was drink wine and cry in bed.
• I'm proud of my career and also leaving my last job as they took the piss and found myself somewhere new where I'm much happier.

Hello everyone, still recognise some names here. Some may remember me.

My relationship with my fwb who I posted about on here (both had feelings for each other, declared them, both felt like we were madly in love etc ) came to a mutual end.
We still care for each other deeply, and in another lifetime it could have been us, but not in this one. A really hard decision for both of us but the right one.

Anyway, I'm back on the 'dating' scene, well, chatting to potentials during COVID! And I'm actually only using fabswingers.

There are a lots to sift through but I'm chatting to a few, one in particular (we'll call him Mr M) I've been chatting to for several weeks. We seem to have lots in common, he has the most gorgeous voice and accent and is very easy on the eye.
Neither of us are looking for anything serious, but plan to meet up as soon as we can.
I hope conversation doesn't dry up before then but so far so good.

Well that didn't last long, my one and only iron appears to have lost interest. I really have no idea why I have such bad luck with dating, right from the outset

@CognativeDissonance sorry to hear that, what happened?

@Eesha, I haven't heard from him at all since the conversation we had when I thought things might develop a bit. I have initiated a conversation in that time but if I'm the only one initiating, that tells me he's not that bothered. It's fine in the sense that it's his prerogative, I probably just misread things. It's just that I'm tired of constant disappointments, I genuinely think it's time to just give up.

Morning all I hope you are good

Sorry to hear about the end @30somethingandforeversingle

@CognativeDissonance
It is such a weird time I think it’s hard to keep conversations going (even with old friends!) as there isn’t much to say/do. You don’t have to set yourself the idea of giving up entirely but perhaps take a break for 2 weeks, then at the end of the 2 weeks see how you feel?

I am still talking to Mr Return but it is still quite platonic which is ok with me. After the intensity of the last 2 irons something light and funny feels less stressful. Last night we were cracking each other up with gross stories on voice notes. I’ve hidden my OLD profiles for the time being as I realised I was stressed out about seeing Mr M pop up on them - I half wanted to, half didn’t. And anything that is causing me stress needs to fuck right off 😂