Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Proud of you @Onesmallstep67. Hope your chat with Mr Vam goes well tonight

Where do you all find these counsellors? I had a bit of counselling for anxiety on the NHS but it was really shit - worse than useless as the amount of time it took to get there midweek when I was supposed to be at work actually added to my stress! Do you all pay privately?

I went through my local MIND organisation, it is £40 a session. The cost always put me off but actually I need to go so I will have to find the money. I self referred and it’s 50 mins and she sets me homework.

The other counselling I have started is for women through a rape/sexual assault charity recommended to me by a friend. I feel like I can’t deal with that stuff in my ‘normal’ counselling but I can’t keep not dealing with it either.

@UtterSocks I started with psychotherapy and CBT, I then ‘downgraded’ to therapy, I went private as the provision on the NHS in my area had a 7 month wait and even then you only got four sessions. I found my therapist via London Friend, my psychotherapist did give me a few people to try but I didn’t like them. That’s a big thing as well, finding someone who actually works for you.

Is anyone else watching SAS ‘celeb’ version?

Yes @SimonJT I just watched it

I did some cbt when I was living in the refuge but it also didn't help me. She focused too much on the stress at work, rather than the fact that my biggest stress might have been the fact that I was a homeless, single mum escaping DV 🤨.

I think I am so used to just "surviving", I find it so hard to let my guard down.

@onesmallstep67 how did your conversation go?

What are people's thoughts on dating 'successful' people? I did some digging and my current iron is extremely successful in his field. It's actually daunting me because although I had a decent career pre kids, I've been a stay at home mum for a bit and my kids are my life. The insecurity is kicking in a bit! As in what would we have in common etc?

@eesha I think it can be both a good and a bad thing and will be totally person dependant. 1. It shows they have drive, can commit and will work hard at something they are passionate about. It also shows stability which is very important to me. 2. They are a massive workaholic and you will be fighting for their attention.
Get to know them first and then decide, but personally, I'd find it quite an attractive trait.

@CheesecakeAddict thank you, I agree too. I definitely felt we have a real spark and was quite excited by it. I felt like this is someone I really want to know/meet. Then he tells me he is going to be MD and I did even more digging and realised he was an extremely high achiever and I suddenly felt a bit embarrassed about my situation and what could I bring to the table apart from my silly flirty jokes!!!

@Eesha Mr Media is ridiculously, ridiculously rich and successful and is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and Mr Science is also a very big deal in his field. Both were great dates, I think when someone is secure in themselves and their achievements it makes them great company. I have a decent job but am nowhere near their league and it didn't matter. Only issue is they are both SO busy it was hard to find time (took me about 8 weeks to sort a date with Mr Science)
But go for it x

@UtterSocks Thank you! This helps! We have had such great chemistry and laughs so far (very early days) so I don't want my insecurity to kick in. I'm used to being someone doing well in my job/solvent etc but when you are now cleaning up loo role that the kids have been wearing as tails, you suddenly don't feel that anymore! I feel like what's he doing chatting with me when he's a great guy and could be seeing glamorous women with no responsibilities across the world!

@eesha he could, but don't think that because clearly he doesn't want that. And baggage comes with age - unless he 21, it's not very likely to meet someone with no responsibilities or things going on.

Oh the thread made for sad reading yesterday with some of you finding it so hard to reconcile your feelings in your relationships and not feeling good enough. I’ve had this said to me and my first reaction was to give my thoughts that they were indeed more than good enough and that it was not right for them to make that decision for me. But your feelings are inescapable and someone else will find it very difficult to change them or convince you of your worth, so I think you’ve got to ask yourself what you would need to do to feel good enough, independently of them. I don’t mean by breaking with them, but just continuing to work on where those ideas of inadequacy come from and allowing them the right to consider you good enough.

Enough seriousness ... this made me laugh

odditymall.com/tinda-finger-robot

Agree it’s a mix of what you can do for yourself but also accept that feelings are not weakness, or you are damaged, they can be normal and we modern people seem to have been conditioned into holding them in until we get a ‘sign’ from the other person that it’s ok to share them. We are ashamed and embarrassed when we are scared upset and unsure but I sometimes think that this perpetuates the feelings of being needy. The more you try to find a way around those feelings to make them go away the more intense they can become. It is better to address them and think why do I feel this way? Is it me or is it them? And it will not always be YOU

This goes for men and women! Whereas we should not rely on other people to validate our self worth, it is easier said than done in a romantic relationship where there can be months of uncertainty. If you are attaching yourself to emotionally unavailable people it is better for you to recognise that and move on than hang around waiting for them to make themselves available to you because all it will do is feed the insecurity and you feel worthless.

I’m babbling

We should all post today the things we like about ourselves the most. And what we are proud of .

• I like the way I am able to bounce back from things even when I want to give up and think I can’t do it, I always can somehow

• I am proud of what I have achieved in my life so far even if it’s not much to other people, it’s enough for me

Morning everyone. Mini update from me after yesterday. Mr Cocky and I have settled back into our regular contact mixture of chit chat and flirty sex talk. I actually know that he's not the one for me but walking away proves difficult. If I could remove my feelings for him he'd be a perfect FB but more than that I doubt I will ever be able to trust him in the kind of relationship I actually want.
Mr Van didn't call but sent an apologetic and affectionate text saying he'd had the day from hell ( I presume trying to work out where he stands with zero hours contract etc) He said he'd call today. At the moment I have taken a mental step back from him and decided that until he's in a better frame of mind I will just act as a supportive friend.
Post lockdown I need to refocus on my needs and enjoy life whilst being open to new men who come along.

Menora lovely, positive idea

: I am proud of how I have held things together in recent years after losing loved ones. I have been strong and resilient.
: I am proud of the parent that I am to my DDs, steering them through not only the same losses but the challenges of teenage years at the same time. ( I'm also hugely proud of them )
: I am proud of myself for losing a significant amount of weight in the last year - pre lockdown
: I am proud of being regarded as a go to friend for advice and support ( and on occasions raucous drunken antics )

I think there’s a real spectrum on this thread in terms of emotional types. I’m not insecure and I never feel worthless. If someone doesn’t want me I assume it’s because they’re a bit dumb, and I’m just annoyed. My XH complained I had an ego the size of a planet and I just thought ‘what’s wrong with that?’ My problem re feelings is I just assume I will be let down/abandoned because that has always been my experience, so I don’t open up to others. I’ve learnt to be my own source of comfort and reassurance, and it’s hard to break that, opening myself up again to the chance of disappointment and loss. That’s what I’m working on.

I don’t like the use of the word ‘needy’ in a pejorative sense. There’s nothing wrong in having needs and wanting them to be met in a relationship UNLESS in doing so you become self-obsessed and forget the other person also has needs and human frailties. The problem of course when dating is in the early stages we feel we have to play our cards close to our chest, be cool, not show our humanity etc. Maybe that’s where we go wrong? We should be more open, not less? In the end we want someone who wants the real us, so we may as well show that from the start?

Meandering. I shall return to watching the hoverflies that seem fascinated by me in my deckchair in the garden (working day here, lol)

Oh and I’m most proud of the fact my DDs and their female friends (in their 20s) think my life is an inspiration to them. They may be wrong to think that, who knows, but I’ll take it.

@Onesmallstep67

They are all lovely things to be proud of

@TigerDater
I couldn’t agree more. I think that’s why you get some people finding it difficult to express themselves or putting themselves down because they think ‘why can’t I be like that’ but we are so different and have had different lives.

Agree, most people only seem to be torturing themselves here and not their iron - which means you are all good people who aren’t doing anything wrong and you need to give yourself more credit and stop beating yourselves up!

Goal for 2020 is to carry on not worry about showing the real me. Although things went horribly wrong for me last month with the wank sock, the whole time I felt like I was at least true to myself. I didn’t hide my thoughts or feelings or put up with things I didn’t like for too long. If I take nothing else away from it at least I have that.

@Menora It’s a cultural thing as well, the whole British stiff upper lip around emotions and mental health in general is really damaging. Women are still portrayed as hysterical and men are portrayed as weak/crying like a girl (because of course being compared to a girl is a bad thing ). Then you commonly see mental health conditions being ignored, treatments having for children wait lists of over a year, then ‘treatment’ can be six thirty minute sessions.

-Getting my professional qualification, I had to work my arse off, it was much tougher than university.

-Making it to the first team of a national league 1 club and then RFU championship team.

-Being a Dad.

Aw what a lovely post @Menora xxx Not babbling at all, really insightful x

The support on here is lovely. Great reading everyone's proud moments

I usually do feel good enough in my life, and with people (apart from the perfectionist working mum guilt of feeling I always short changing someone) but clearly don't value myself in romantic relationships if I am invested in someone. Or I just assume they will turn out to be wankers, cos that is how my luck goes.

However...

• I am proud that I make friends very easily and then am a really good and supportive friend once I've found them. I know I have people in my life that really value me

• I am proud that no matter how many times I felt hopeless and desperate in a marriage to a really shit, financially irresponsible and emotionally abusive man, I still kept on - working and caring for my kids, seeing friends, surviving redundancies and bereavement and falling, but getting up again. Am proud my kids have never had to do without anything thanks to my efforts

• And finally, I am proud of all my hours at the gym, and the fact that at 52 I am slimmer and more toned than I have ever been, and that I have the discipline to keep it up.

I also currently have a nice suntan 😂

@Eesha Mr BC is spectacularly successful and wealthy. It really hasn't been an issue between us (I did have a career but then I had a disabled child and my husband turned into more of an arse, and I never got back to it). I love my job, that's worth thousands!

It's so good to say what we most like about ourselves. I find this hard as I want to 'qualify' it as I was brought up 'not to be big headed'.

• I'm proud of my degree - studied in my 40s with the OU, while looking after my children, with marriage going down the pan. Got a first.

• I'm proud of my resourcefulness and self-reliance

• I like my cheerful, positive personality

Ah you are all amazing
And I’m glad we can have a looking after your MH day today. It should be about us

That stiff British upper lip with all the gender stereotypes can bugger off today

Sorry just catching up from Sunday, work got in the way....

Thanks @BatshitCrazyWoman and @Menora for sharing your counselling experiences.
Menora I have referred women through my job to specialist sexual assault counselling and all have found it very helpful and so much better than regular counselling but that should be right as they are specialists.

@JaggySplinter - we do sound very similar, the guy I'm seeing is just amazing but I sometimes get these thoughts that he could meet someone with less baggage, less barriers, less complication and then other times I think I'm a great catch and he's the lucky one.
I just wish I could stay positive and not ever back to negative.
Mr N sounds like a great guy, and although you can only see negative he can clearly see all the positives.
I hope lockdown ends soon so you can have your chat.

I know there is nothing wrong with having feelings but admitting that to someone seems impossible for me.

I dont want to open myself up to being vulnerable again, I don't want to end up hurt and 'taken for a mug' again.

My other issue is that i dont actually know how i feel about the guy i see, i hardened my heart to all emotion for many years and i feel numb and emotionless still.

We saw each other 4 - 5 times a week up until a few weeks ago and it was lovely hanging out with him, he's a good laugh and the sex is great and I know since I havent seen him that I miss going on walks with him, him helping me on my fields with my animals and just being together.
I know I like him but is that just as a friend or something else?
When he messages i get excited, but then any communication is great.

It's a minefield and I dont know whether I'm coming or going with it all.

Counselling is definitely on my to do list as soon as lockdown ends because I need to get my head sorted so I can then sort my heart.

I love this thread for all the support everyone gives and also where we can offload freely