Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@CognativeDissonance I think certainly keep your options open but see how things go. It really is a bizarre time and people are dealing with so many stresses. I might just be life has got in the way a bit.

@firsttimedater Have you thought about using a dating agency instead? I wouldn’t want to use online dating, I don’t think it would suit me (I could be wrong of course). A friend works at an agency so persuaded me to join, I thought it would be really cringe etc, but it wasn’t and only people they link you with get to see your profile.

@CognativeDissonance how long has it been since you had that chat? Don't get too despondent and self critical. It's so easy to fall into that trap. I'm trying to keep busy myself, enjoying the lovely sunshine and beautifying myself!

Haven't heard from MrHotandYoung for two days now so I believe it was the fading out thing/breadcrumbed option that I might have been seeing in his behaviour. Mr German and I messaged a bit yesterday and still trying not to get overinvested in him even though I really like him!! I remember him saying he had a date ages ago and the girl was continuously ringing and messaging him whilst he was at work and he thought that wasn't great so I'm trying to keep that in mind. That said, I've decided though, if no regular communication say for 24hrs, then I'm going to assume lack of interest from everyone/anyone as it's so key to me.

Had a very long chat with Mr GB, some extreme sports fanatic, though his huge boasting is the word here as I lost count of him saying "I'm f*ing amazing" about himself . Why!!?

Can I ask opinions? Been chatting to another iron but he says he is really on pof to 'make friends'. I'm not sure if that's code for he's not particularly interested in me, or he does just want friends.

Seemed a little odd thing to say on a dating site, and unsure if wasting time 😅

He also said he likes talking to me though and does message me, so I'm not being completely blown out. Maybe keeping options open?

@bangheadhere40 I see that as bloke code for 'nothing serious'. If you ask him if that's the case there's a fair chance he won't tell you the truth. So offer him 'nothing serious' and see what he says. Then decide accordingly what you want. Conversely I've seen this on women's profiles and they've said in private that it's to ward off the 'nothing serious' types.

Online dating is a mess of confusion and interpretation. You don't get this crap in real life ! Well, not in such volume anyway ...

@bangheadhere40 i think he is following the softly softly approach so not to scare women off! My FWB did that but ended up sleeping with everyone he became 'friends' with....

Thanks both! He's also very flirty, so does contradict the only 'friends'. Sounds like your previous fwb Eesha....

‘Make friends’ equals “you can suck/sit (on) my dick if you like”.

Love it Simon 🤣🤣

@bangheadhere40 I would also assume it was just sex they were after.
Me and Mr Vegan made a list of all the things we will do together once lockdown is off. Talk has settled down now - before we were talking for 4 or 5 hours after dd went to bed, whereas now it's just like half an hour and then he has lockdown games with friends. If I've lost the honeymoon period because of the lockdown, I'll be pissed 😂🙈.

I think you should always assume they're after just sex until proven otherwise!

And anyway, just sex may not be a bad starting point? It can become something else. Mr GN pointed out to me yesterday that we were both just looking for sex but then love found us

@CheesecakeAddict sorry can’t remember, did you and Me Vegan date before lockdown?

I find there is increasingly little to say on messages hence chatting to new irons is quite tedious with no possibility of meeting - a bit like an admin task x

@Tigerdater aw that’s sweet and you aren’t the only person on here that happened to. I bet statistically more people met irons that lasted on sites like Fabswingers than the others, it would be interesting to have a look 😂.

Maybe I should consider that route post lockdown 🙄

I've had an old iron contact me on an app. we have chatted and met up on and off for 8 months. he messed me about before so I said I wasnt interested and we parted ways a month ago but have a soft spot. always seem to with the ones that mess me around 🙈, want what i cant have probably.

Anyway hes back, assures me he is really looking for a relationship this time. last chance saloon. hope it doesnt end in tears.

@bangheadhere40 good to see you post.

I think lots of guys are scared to say they want a relationship. I hate saying it myself, i dont want to jump in to one. I just like to know that's someones end goal so I dont waste time. if ur happy to go with the flow then I'd do that for now, especially if ur enjoying the chat etc.

I got a bit bored today so I decided to look at my dates over the past year to see if I can understand why I'm struggling to find anyone I get on with.

I had 21 dates, more than I thought. But then I looked more closely
7 - nothing in common/felt like dating someone's dad
4 - turned out to be married
3 - lying twats
2 - lied about age/height/photos on their profile
2 - said there was no chemistry
1 - no thanks, you have kids at home
1 - just wanted a hookup
1 - forgot to say he was a smoker

14 first dates, 4 second dates. Only 2 made it to 3 dates. And one lasted about 6 weeks.

I'm not sure what conclusions I can draw from that lot, other than I'm clearly not attracting the right sort of man for me. And I need to be more choosy who I go on dates with. Because that's a lot of men who have lied or bent the truth about certain things.

@uttersocks we were chatting since just after Christmas but we had 2 dates before lockdown, so not long at all.

@EchoElephant i dont think that seems too bad. I've had about 8 dates in 2 years and none have gotten to a second date. Pretty much all were no chemistry on the date! Were there any you really liked?

@Eesha I liked the one who lasted 6 weeks but he turned out to be the biggest lying twat ever.
Otherwise I didn't particularly like any of them. I only agreed to second dates because I thought I should give them a second chance.

Problem is, these are the only blokes that are interested in me. But they're not right for me and I don't know how to change that.

@CheesecakeAddict I don't think you'll lose the honeymoon period, you'll be so pleased to see each other again once that's possible 😉 Phone calls and contact generally is bound to drop off a bit, nobody has much to talk about as for most it feels like groundhog day.

Nice to hear everybody talking about what they like about themselves and are proud of yesterday, there's a lot there for people to feel very proud of 👏👏

@EchoElephant

I don’t think reflects you because 21 dates suggests you are giving a lot of different men chances but they are taking the piss or it’s just not a good match. If you had said 5 dates in a year and you found fault with them all I would say date more!
What age ranges and radius do you have set?

My problem is I think I look younger than what I am but I try to look for older guys. I then get barraged by really dull men with terrible convo skills, or just sleazy and then all of a sudden a younger attractive confident one comes up who gives me a load of charm and I suddenly take notice and get sucked in. I know I need to maybe give the boring ones more of a chance but they are So Boring.

I have wanted to avoid turning this thread ever into man bashing or stereotypes as I think its not always true and unhelpful but in my own experience I am shocked at many men do lie about themselves and what they lie about. I have never dated a woman but I think if they lie, they may lie slightly differently to men in the 40-50 age bracket?

I think a lot of it is insecurity and pressure of society why they lie/omit information because they are competing against so many other men and the older they get, the more experience they get of knowing what will make a woman run a mile. Mr M managed to omit the age of his youngest child to me for a good couple of dates and I never even really noticed. I had asked but he was consciously not going to tell me until he was more secure in how I felt. He admitted he thought it would put me off. They also will lie to you about the relationship they are looking for and it’s not for the same reasons a woman would lie. A woman is more likely to lie about not wanting a relationship when she actually does, but men will lie about wanting one when they don’t. It is so hard to work our who is telling the truth about anything. Men must be just as frustrated by mixed messages from women I understand that but it is so frustrating when you are trying to navigate something

@Menora I'm 52 but I'm told I look about 5 years younger. I have a physically active job plus I'm quite sporty. But most men my age seem to be sliding into retirement and don't want to do anything other than sit around drinking or watching tv.

I think, but I might be very wrong, that I've more in common with someone in their mid 40s than someone in their fifties. My age range is usually 40 - 60. I'm not bothered about age. But I won't travel more than 30-40mins away.

Completely agree about the So Boring ones. I try but it's too much like hard work.

I think we all try and present ourselves in the best way and sometimes that means omitting information.
But I'm shocked by the number of dates that blatantly lied about something to me. Four were still married!! Not even separated or going through a divorce.

The three that I've labelled lying twats, I can't go into the exact details but I couldn't believe anything they said.

Little lies like changing their age or height, or putting up an old photo, I can sort of understand. But then they get found on on the first date, so it hasn't helped.

Most of OLD, men and women, seems to be like this. But I've no idea how to change it or avoid it

I hand on heart think the only thing I have ever lied to a date about is if they have asked me something terrible like how many people have I slept with and I would just avoid answering it or challenge them back or give a stupid answer. Or just giving a vague answer about why I broke up with my last ex because I don’t think it’s the right time to divulge all kinds of drama and feelings to someone I don’t know.

I probably do have a best side but it’s more making the effort with what I look like than trying to adapt my personality or situation and the problem is should not assume everyone is the same as me!