Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@JeSuisPrest
You are like the matriarch of our group and I think you're amazing.
You and Mr C seemed like the ideal couple, I cant believe he didnt work on himself and find happiness with you.

You will definitely find someone as amazing as you becsuse you know exactly what you want

@JaggySplinter Do you see yourself wanting to introduce the kids or meet friends? You seem pretty happy as things are and not putting pressure on each other too early on, which I think is great. I guess you get to a point where you'll think "I really love this guy" and you'll want to say it.

I'm 2.5 years out of an abusive relationship and would guess love is when you want them to be a bigger part of your life than simply dating, or they make you feel joyful and happy when they are around. I genuinely can't imagine that feeling really, all I remember is how stressful the end of mine was and how much easier my life is without having to worry about anyone other than my kids.

Mr GN says ‘I love you’ all the time and I say it back, but to be honest I don’t know if I do or not. I love my DDs, my dad and my dog, I don’t feel the same about Mr GN as I do about them but that’s probably appropriate 😂. I’m trying not to question it too much. My heart is gradually thawing after a 30 year relationship where it ended up in the deep freeze so maybe it will just take a bit more time.

Anyway, the big news today: happiest of birthdays, @BatshitCrazyWoman 🥳💐

@BatshitCrazyWoman
Happy Birthday

@BatshitCrazyWoman Happy Birthday

@crazycatlady20 have you met your iron? I agree that it's worrying that he hasn't been in touch. But there's nothing more you can do. Maybe he was tired or busy with something. Hopefully you'll hear from him today.

Happy birthday BatshitCrazyWoman

Thanks everyone who answered. I'm not sure when I'll ever feel like saying it again to a BF/partner. For now we're both enjoying what we have (or had before lockdown) and waiting to see each other again.

Happy birthday @BatshitCrazyWoman

Happy Birthday @BatshitCrazyWoman 🎉🎂🍾

@BatshitCrazyWoman
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hope you can make it a fun one even in lockdown

Aw happy birthday!

I'm struggling with Mr Farmer, his contact levels have reduced drastically the last few days. I've asked if everything is okay and he says it is but there's definitely a change in the air.
I know everyone has lockdown fatigue, I do for sure and that no one is doing anything much so there's less to chat about but ... 🤷🏻‍♀️
Curse this lockdown, it's making me even more insecure than usual.

Happy birthday!!!

I have a new side effect of lockdown - thrombosed piles 😭
I had to call 111 for help. I really do not want to go to A&E! I told Mr Return I had a UTI to explain why I am so quiet on text

@jaggysplinter I didn't expect to fall for my BF. But one day it just hit me how much I care for him and how much I prefer him being part of my life than not. He makes me feel cared for, desired and part of something. Lockdown has brought us closer as we speak all the time whereas before we'd watch tv and go to bed So I feel we know each other and have become more entwined in each other's lives whilst on lockdown. The idea of being hurt again terrifies me. Or actually maybe it's more the idea of getting it wrong again. Of having poor judgement. Making bad choices... But today I'm very happy and feel very much in love and loved.

Happy birthday bats what are your plans for today? I hope you have a fabulous lockdown birthday.

Eek @menora that sounds very painful. Do get it looked at and don't suffer more than you have to.

Happy birthday @BatshitCrazyWoman! I hope you manage to have a lovely day...sorry the sun seems to have disappeared!

@Menora I’m sorry to hear you are suffering...you poor thing! Hope you get them sorted!

Re: the L word. Mr Ad and I say it to each other and I do love him but it will never be with the same intensity that I loved my ex husband as I think that part of me changed forever when we split.

For me, getting older and falling in love again is different. This isn’t someone I want to have children with or share half or everything with. I am more independent and the most important things to me are my children. That just wasn’t the case when I met my ex husband.

Yes it’s love, but it’s a different kind of love, an ‘I like spending time with you and having you in my life but I don’t need you’ love.

That’s exactly how I feel @Sunshineandflipflops. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, I don’t even want the heady crazy emotion of my 20s, I want to keep the independence I fought so hard for. Mr GN is a fantastic man, he makes me feel loved and desired in a way I’ve never been and I want him to be happy. Is that enough?

I think so @TigerDater. I’ve done the heady love and I don’t feel like that’s what I need or want any more. I want company when I’m lonely and to know someone cares about me. I also want to be able to say “yes” to things without running it past someone and to be me, not part of someone else.

I think people are looking for different things but that doesn’t make what you have and are happy with any less “ok” x

Hello. Can I join you please.I have been chatting to a man for five weeks. Tinder to messenger almost straight away. We click
and talk or text everyday. It's hard of
Course to know if we will be attracted to one another when we meet but the build up is lovely.
There is huge distance between us but our weekends when our kids are at their Dad/ Mums could coincide if it worked out.
What I would like is a casual but exclusive relationship where our children would not be involved whatsoever. Just us. He wants the same.our kids are still feeling the awful effects of each Parent walking out and essentially being a shit parent in most ways
.
Has anyone ever had this and can I ask if it worked out or what was the outcome.
Distance isn't an issue.This is my
First experience since my marriage ended and I'm nervous.thanks for reading

@batshitcrazywoman happy birthday! I hope you have a great day and treat yourself.

@echoelephant yeah I've met him loads. hes blocked me so yeah guess that's the end of that. I'm an idiot.

@sunhineandflipflops I like how you describe love. I so want someone to care for me, to know they are there when u need them and to do the same in return. I also want to be able to have my own life without jealousy etc but I do want to share a large portion of my life with that person too.

@crazycatlady20 are you sure you’re blocked? Didn’t you say he was in A&E?

@JeSuisPrest Really sorry to hear that things ended for you. You’ll meet someone great, because great attracts great.

I like @Menora ‘s definition of love, desiring the happiness of the person that you love, having the utmost concern for their welfare. As well as fancying the pants off them obviously. It is like stepping off a cliff edge at the best of times but when you’ve done that love already and all that giving was abused ...well. In the circumstances I take heart that I was able to do it again.

I’m struggling over another related thing at the moment before I consider dating again, which is why I’ve loved. Do I just go with how I feel, what I experience or should it be something more considered and processed, even questioned ?

Have a great day @BatshitCrazyWoman

@tigerdater yeah deffo blocked, pics gone etc. he prob did me a favour. just dont get people, why tell someone ur at hosp but not reply to say how u are, even to say not up to contact. I'm wondering if he even was at hosp now. people are weird, shame they need to hurt people in the process 🙁

where do all the good guys hide?

@jesuisprest I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But at least you won’t see BitchLady again, I hated that woman.

@JaggySplinter that’s such a hard question. I have been with Mr R for a year and I love him and I think I’m in love with him. I think about him all the time, message him and we talk several times a day and he really does brighten up my life with his positivity and support as opposed to my ex who is very cold and miserable. He hasn’t said he loves me (although drunkenly hinted at it after about 3 or 4 weeks). I thinks he does and he treats me well and so at the moment I’m happy with that.....

But.... this love is different to when I was younger and I don’t have the same all encompassing feeling that I had towards my exh and my boyfriend before that. Sexually things are good, and he is intelligent, funny, interesting, successful, attractive. With my two previous boyfriends there was an urgency to move in and start a life together whereas with Mr R we have discussed that we want to live with someone one day and we’re seeing how things go. I can’t work out whether that lack of urgency is my situation (ie my dc’s needs obviously come first and that means not moving a man in even though they all get on), my heartbreak - perhaps I am emotionally unavailable or just maybe that Mr R isn’t right for me. Mr R has been hurt in the past too and I can only assume that we’re in the same place emotionally and it’s normal when you’ve been hurt to not have that desire to urgently progress the relationship.

@crazycatlady20 so sorry to hear you have been treated like that. I was pretty knocked down after a few weeks and not even having met let alone someone who I had actually dated. So disappointing. Just think, he has to live with himself and his behaviour.

As for where the good guys live, I'm focussed on being alone for a long old time now. I've realised I did so much to get out of my abusive relationship and get to a good mental place that I'm not going to let anyone in who will yet again disappoint. After being ghosted twice in the last few weeks, I'm done!

Really need a few words of wisdom/guidance please. I am the epitome of someone keeping her options open. Currently chatting to several irons, some a lot more than others. When lockdown is over I am hoping to meet up with Mr Van and see how we are. We are talking every day and doing quizzes etc. But he doesn't give a lot away, not hugely flirtatious. When we dated previously I cut ties with all other irons apart from long term FWB Mr Cocky who I just chatted to via email but he knew I was seeing someone.
Mr Cocky is my issue today, again. I have known him 6 years and he's a big part of my everyday life via text and email. He is divorced, living with his mom because he gave his wife the house after his affairs ( not with me ) were revealed.
I am struggling to give you the full picture because I know from the outside it doesn't look or sound great. He has 2 phones and he contacts me on his 2nd phone. He is on whatsapp a lot on the 2nd phone but claims that it's me and 2 other people who he's explained about - yes I know that it's bullshit. But I am way too heavily invested in him and can't seem to summon up the necessary gumption to walk away. I could if I had someone to take my mind off him. But he's flirty and funny , he is thoughtful and supportive, we have a lot of history. The sexual side of things is amazing and it's intense, intimate and wonderful. It's not just sex. But I am clearly wanting something from him he's not prepared to offer. And could I ever trust him even if he said okay let's go for it.
Forthe record I have called him out about the second phone and by his own admission he knows it looks suss but said being secretive about aspects of his life is a long held trait he finds hard to break. And he does seem totally genuine in not wanting his kids to know he's seeing anyone else as it's taken a lot to get back into their lives. He won't risk that affecting that.
There are no doubt glaringly obvious things about this that objectively you will be able to see. Currently from my position it feels shitty and complicated and no easy outcome.