Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@JaggySplinter I’m not sexting with Mr GN as he’s hopeless at it! I used to a lot with previous irons but I had a hard and fast rule from Day One: no nudes. For me, they are a complete and utter turnoff, plus they can and do get out. Not worth the risk.

Thanks. I think I was already coming to the conclusion that I'm never going to send a nude or many photos at all really.

I don’t do sexting or photos
If it was a LTR I might consider something of that nature but not dating

@JaggySplinter I do with my BF. I wouldn't with someone I hadn't met or trust. I understand Snapchat is best for sending images as they disappear once viewed and you can see if they have screenshotted the image.

@JaggySplinter we used to do sexting on the days we were meeting up but now it seems a little pointless to us anyway as there’s nothing after the build up. We’ve sent each other loads of photos in the past as well , none of mine were naked thou or showing my face but I trust him 100%. What I am doing is writing an erotic fiction short story and I send him a bit each week 😳.

Hi everyone...so it’s looking like lockdown might be relaxed a bit soon (whatever that means). For me, it probably means Mr Ad will go home as he’s been stuck here with me and the kids for the past 7 weeks.
I have mixed feelings about it really. It’s been nice having him around and he’s easy to spend time with (good job really!) but we both value our own space and I do think absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I don’t know how long it will take to get back to ‘normal’ for everyone and I can’t imagine dating will go back to how it was for a while
Longer but hopefully those of you in relationships and have been separated by lockdown will get to see your bf/gf’s soon.

Well Mr GN will be staying here four nights a week once the travel restrictions are lifted. He’s incredibly excited about it, I very much see it as a trial period. Although the messaging and support have been faultless in the nearly two months we’ve been apart, I won’t know what i really feel about him until the relationship resumes fully.

Great news @TigerDater!

Thanks, we’ll see though. I strongly suspect I will freak out when it comes down to it. I love my space and independence too much.

@TigerDater i think it all sounds brilliant and you always come across like you have such a level head with things.

Thanks all for the advice today, I really do feel a lot less invested and I think that's what I needed almost! A bit of a jolt really. I'm going to go back to my original plan of if we can sustain our chat/calls etc till lockdown is done, then we will meet for a drink, and not to overthink so much. My friend made the point that it was a control thing with me and usually i would have met my iron by now and made a decision however everything in limbo just made me anxious.

Great news!
And I’m glad you feeling better Eesha

I’ve made a decision not to look on any apps, not to look at anyone’s social media and just try to distance myself from over investing with anyone going forward. Physically have to restrain myself sometimes but it’s paying off 😂

I think Mr Return would like to meet after lockdown but if this is a bubble situation then I don’t want to take away from my DC who they could see instead. They are missing their friends so much

How do you feel about seeing him once he's back in his shared house @sunshineandflipflops ? Even when the lockdown is lifted we are still strongly recommended to socially distance. I'm hoping for the bubble so I can have Mr B over. We effectively operate as one household as he does my shopping etc. But I wouldn't have him in the house until it's 'allowed'.

That’s one of my concerns @Notcoolmum. I hardly ever see his housemates when I’m there but obviously there are shared facilities. I think most of the ‘seeing’ of each other will be at my house for a while, although I know that doesn’t reduce all risks.
I bet you are so looking forward to seeing Mr B properly 😊

@jaggySplinter I do sext. I don't send nudes but we have done sexual acts over video. I trust him 100%. I could be very naive though but he's done nothing with them if he has recorded our video chat.

We've had news at work (a school) about going back so am so hoping on Sunday they lift lockdown. Mr Vegan rang today for about 10 mins but not at all last night and I don't think he's gone off me, I geniunly think he's trying to keep busy in lockdown, but I can't wait to see him again. I know, we are all in the same situation. I feel about 14 again 😳

Interesting to read about your experience @Sunshineandflipflops. My relationship is of a similar length to yours, and we'd been seeing each other one week night and every other weekend before the lockdown, and everything was going brilliantly.

Now I've not seen him for 2 months, and I'm missing him like crazy every single day.

I'm seriously considering fast-forwarding everything and trying to move him in soon. I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but the whole global pandemic has made me think I should seize the day more- when I can, as you never know what's around the corner.

When/how do you ask someone about their marriage/relationship?situation? Or do you just not ask and wait to be told?

I feel like it’s become the elephant in the room with Mr Return now (well for me!). He has his DC full time currently by himself and will be having them over 50% of the time once things return to normal, also is moving home and has talked about ex taking furniture. So he does kind of talk about the current situation but we have not shared absolutely hardly anything about relationships. I don’t know when they broke up or why. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable by asking outright and just appearing nosy but I also want to get an idea about where his head is at really. I’ve had my fill of men not over their exes in my life and being the rebound woman. I’ve talked about my DC father and that did not lead on to a further conversation. I get the impression he doesn’t feel warmly about her so I wonder if she left him. We are still pretty much just friends 😂 but talking every day and I don’t really want some big bombshell to come out of nowhere suddenly and make it awkward

@Menora my iron asked me straight out the first day we chatted on the phone about my kids' dad. I guess he just wanted to guage whether there was drama there. And he was pretty open about his divorce 5 years ago. I think only ask if you are ok to share your story yourself.

@Menora this topic has been broached and cleared up on both sides very early on in any significant chats/relationships I’ve had when OLD. It’s too big an issue to not address, in my opinion.

@Menora I think if you're talking every day you could definitely bring it up in conversation.

I wouldn't do it over text though, just as part of a conversation over the phone. You can be really polite when you ask.

My boyfriend has a very complicated situation and told me about it on our first date. It did put me off a little bit, but ultimately didn't matter at all to our relationship.

The bit I would steer clear of is him having any sort of moan/bitch about his ex - or making her sound like she's crazy and he's a poor tragic hard done by victim.

Those things make my blood boil.

Good luck with it. I can't remember if you said- have you met in person before lockdown?

Usually for me too yes! I just get the feeling he doesn’t really want to talk about it. Argh I am going to have to ask.
She’s a keyworker so they decided he would have the kids by himself for now. I have a feeling that this may mean up until CV they were living together but separated, until their house sold. The house is sold and CV had put on hold the move. Now she is not living there and moving in with her parents. He seems free every evening and he’s doing all the schooling/bedtimes/meals etc and she brings shopping round. But that is the extent of what I know.

The last guy I dated had a complicated situation - turns out he had a tiny baby!

Although I don’t feel he is warm towards her, I don’t think he hates her and he is obviously being careful not to use any such language like that. Due to their jobs it’s been the most simple solution that he is basically the main parent because his job is more flexible. So he does all the school runs etc.

I'm quite upfront band honest because I don't have a good relationship with my stbxH. He's very hard to communicate with, lies a lot but can't seem to understand that he lies, he's very self centered and one of the DC really hates going to see him. So my BF has been around when I've had to take tearful calls from DC, and has also been let down when I couldn't get my DC to go to their Dad's do I couldn't go out.

I would like to be able to hide/forget about everything to do with him, but that's not healthy not realistic. I try not to bitch or complain too much, but it does hang a shadow over a lot of my life.

I'd ask about it, because how someone replies can tell you a lot about how they see relationships. I can definitely see my part in why our marriage didn't work, but I can also understand that I couldn't save it because ultimately my ex and I were incompatible and he was also abusive when he didn't get what he wanted.

@Menora my iron has a baby too! He told me pretty much on our first call about it. He had seen a woman casually a few times, they split up, then 5 months later she contacted him and said she was pregnant. She was in her 40s so a shock for both. He said they did DNA testing etc in case it was a trick. So he sees the baby once a month (abroad). It's one of those crazy stories but then my logic is he could have easily hidden it or come up with a more viable story! I had to laugh as it sounded so ridiculous.

Mine didn’t tell me he had such a small baby until he was sure I liked him. Baby was like a few months old.

He also turned up hungover on the first date, stank of booze and then nearly fell asleep
He also had a sob story that his DW cheated on him. His mother was cold and horrible and his sister was also a mess.

I still gave him a chance didn’t I

He seemed really like a guy who was a bit of a muddle (I called him Mr Muddle) but was a good guy deep down

In reality he also had a ONS years ago and had a child he barely saw (and didn’t see till child was 3). He had the 2 other small DC with his ex and she ended their marriage due to the fact that he was extremely lazy and selfish. She then had a ONS with a colleague which he found out about so it got turned round to ‘cheating’. Apparently he had no idea he was so lazy but she spent years with him until she had enough of him doing virtually nothing but all the things he felt like doing so she kicked him out. He then was able to become the victim of her behaviour

Which I got to see first hand his laziness. He was constantly asleep, about to go to sleep, thinking about sleeping, going to the pub, staring at trash TV, constantly on his phone all day and night, gambling online, god knows what else. He drank fizzy drinks and ate junk food all day and night. I once got really cross because he would not stop eating chewy sweets in bed at like 2am and keeping me awake. He was like a 6ft 3 teenage boy (no offence to teenage boys). He was impossible to make plans with and would lie to me about loads of things. We didn’t drink much together but one time we went on a night out he was staring at a girl on his Facebook for about 10 mins while I stood next to him. When I pointed it out he got all angry with me. He also got constant texts day and night and if I made a comment about it being rude, he would get very defensive even once shoving the phone in my face. He had a very attractive female friend who he spent a lot of time with, he let me meet her once and I got a weird vibe from her. She was always making him dinners . He would stay up all night online then sleep all day. He also started talking about his ex constantly, dropping her in every conversation. He then would just ignore me for days on end.

I just had enough of him and broke up with him. we stayed in touch for a while but he just became rude and obnoxious to me, told me I was irritating, annoying, asked too many questions, was a nag etc. Then he would become all needy and insecure. I’ve blocked him now and cannot believe what I put up with!