Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@putastrawunderbaby that's awful. How scary.

I'm also not on the fence. And see there being a difference between a man doing much of the instigating early on. But also being able to have a conversation when things are more established about what the relationship is and what you not want from it. Pretending we don't care. Lowering our standards in order to seem more attractive whilst we feel anxious and insecure isn't a game I want to play.

@putastrawunderbaby, oh my goodness that's horrible. I would have been totally freaked out. I am glad that he left without a massive scene but just turning up and thinking that it was okay to come into the house in the middle of the night is scary as hell. You don't need to have this playing on your mind. If he's in contact today I suggest you think very carefully about how you handle it. And if you continue to be mithered thinking about it I would get some advice about how to prevent him doing anything like that again.

@putastrawunderbaby Call the none urgent line and make sure it’s recorded, he may try this again so it’s important to have an official record.

Did he ever have a key to your home? If so have you changed the locks?

@Notcoolmum I’m not insecure or anxious nor do I lower my standards. If it’s not heading in the direction I want, and the man isn’t being forthcoming then I just call it quits and walk away.

Happy birthday @Dancerinthemoonlight. Lovely to wake up to the message from Mr Army. Let's hope it's not too long before you get a chance to celebrate properly with him.

@SimonJT no he never had a key thankfully. He lives 90 mins away so it would take some effort on his part to do it again - I'm not overly concerned that he will - but it's left me very unsettled. He must have decided at 1am to set out and visit. He wasn't drunk or high, I just can't think what possessed him to think it was a reasonable thing to do, but he seemed to think it was charming, as if he was going to get a romcom style reaction.
@Onesmallstep67 I think you're right, I'll wait and see if he contacts me today and go from there. He's been consistently gaslighting me and I feel like going to the police might give him more attention that he'd quite enjoy.

@BooFuckingHoo2

A lot of women are not as confident to be able to do that and we are just trying to knock down that myth that women need to let men take the lead and wait for them to declare feelings while the woman sits and worries

@putastrawunderbaby can he actually contact you? Is he still blocked on everything?

Happiest of birthdays @Dancerinthemoonlight 💐

@putastrawunderbaby I would be sending him a cold, very clearly worded message that his behaviour was criminal and completely unacceptable, and that he must not make contact in any way ever again with you. And make sure your son knows what happened so he bloody well locks up properly in future. God in your shoes I’d be so angry!

@Onesmallstep67 he is definitely blocked on everything.

I forgot to add that after he left I went to bed and 10 minutes later sat up in a panic thinking have I locked the door, so I went and unlocked it and locked it again to check, and he was up against it on the outside. He said could he come in for a cup of tea and I said no, I'm locking up. His car was gone when I checked a bit later.

Happy Birthday Dancer!

I think you should inform the police strawberries...to just come into your house whilst your children are there is completely unacceptable.

I've just remembered a story he told me about visiting an ex unexpectedly when she was abroad doing up a house and spending 2 weeks with her. He told it as a romantic tale but it looks a bit different now.

@putastrawunderbaby. If you don’t do anything about this, he may take it as a green light to either do it again, or ramp it up. At the very least you need to contact the police for advice.

It’s stalking....look at what happened a few years ago to Alice Ruggles. I’m not trying to scare you, but coming into your home and sitting on your bed in the middle of the night is crazy behaviour

@putastrawunderbaby it sounds really chilling. I would def report to the police. And tell him you have done so. He must know in no uncertain terms that this isn't a rom com and his behaviour isn't charming or sweet. It's deranged and very frightening. How old are your kids? He shouldn't be in your house in the middle of a pandemic anyway. Certainly not uninvited in the middle of the night.

@putastrawunderbaby he said he was prepared to wait outside all night. What's to stop him doing that next time? I don't want to scare you even more but I think you should report this to the police.
It's not acceptable behaviour in any way

@Dancerinthemoonlight Happy birthday! Have a lovely day

@Dancerinthemoonlight happy birthday!

@putastrawunderbaby it would be completely unacceptable in normal circumstances let alone in a pandemic.
He still didn't get that his behaviour was wrong (or knew it wasn't acceptable but thought he might be able to wear you down) by hanging around outside your house. Definitely report it to 101 and I would keep him blocked, as otherwise he might take it as a sign that he is wearing you down. Or send him a msg stating to stay away, that you've reported him to the police then block him again.

@putastrawunderbaby that is absolutely terrifying and horrific. He sounds insane. Please call the police and make sure your house is secure.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Happy Birthday!!! Glad Mr Army has been in touch. Habe a lovely day xxx

Interesting to read all your comments about game playing, really love all the advice on here and people's perspectives. I'm not playing a game though. I just genuinely can't screw up the courage to have the DTR. I haven't dated anyone since I was in my 20s, just a horrible marriage, followed by 2 years single and a string of online dates that I didn't feel anything for, so it's rather like starting from scratch. Thanks for reposting the link though @supercali77, will have a read through xxx

@putastrawunderbaby
Just had a thought, did he think you had met someone else ? So turning up unannounced and walking into your bedroom was his way of finding this out?

No excuse but it's the only logical one apart from the fact he is a controlling arsehole and couldn't bear to be blocked.

Have you heard from him again? @putastrawunderbaby

I have a video call with Mr Return tonight which I am looking forward to but I have had Mr M on my mind all day today going round and round. I wish I could shake him off. I started watching Normal People last night and something in it has made me feel a certain way. Not that we were anything like that couple really but the destructive yet addictive nature of their RS feels familiar. How Marianne feels inside and how she makes decisions and feels. I want to let go of some of my feelings (they are good and bad) but maybe they don’t really go, and I should just get used to them?

This is probably a sign I am not ready for dating isn’t it. Although I am not dating Mr Return anyway. I can’t work what I want at all

@SortingItOut he didn't mention that, but you never know - perhaps he had that in mind.
@Menora yes he's been emailing but it all goes to spam so I'm ignoring. I know I shouldn't miss him, and I don't miss the controlling weirdness, but I miss everything else about him. I'm trying to keep ignoring that and focusing on the bad bits. It does hurt

@Dancerinthemoonlight happy birthday!!! How did your video call go?

So I've had Mr Vegan on my mind all day. Last night was nothing sexual, we just talked and played quizzes until about 1am. I drank the whole bottle of wine and have spent the day hiding a hangover. I think I am falling for him, I can feel my guard coming down.

@UtterSocks I found the DTR talk scary to do. Similarly, had got married in my 20s and only had some first dates from OLD and hadn't dated at all until it had been 1.5 years since exh moved out. It was daunting but I knew it had to be done and it is better to do it sooner otherwise it will just hurt more if you don't get the response you want. I've done it twice and had both types of responses - only casual was the first time so I was hesitant bcs of that the 2nd time.

Hi all

Today just a pointless rant about this lockdown! I haven't seen family in 2months now, which is ok as still communicating regularly. There just doesn't feel like any end in sight. Plus chatting to a great iron whom I'd usually have met by now but now looks like June or later before that will happen! I have key worker friends who still have to work, and their kids are attending school part time. B&Q open plus more restaurants for takeout etc so feels like people are wanting to get back to normality. I just miss my adult interraction....

@eesha agree the thing I miss is other people. I’m with my daughter who is a pre teen and she needs a lot of support emotionally but I can’t put anything onto her. I speak to friends on phone but it’s not the same 😢

I agree, I dont want to turn the post negative but I'm really starting to struggle if I'm honest. I dont have many friends so miss the daily chit chat of work. we have a group chat but only bursts of chat now and then. I'm kind of struggling working at home and dont feel I'm giving my 6yo enough attention so feeling guilty too.

talking to old iron and would really love to meet. even more so given the situation.

I feel like I could cry over everything.

I know it's all for the best but the uncertainty of when It will end is not helping. 😥