Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks @Menora. I do always feel the need to be clever and funny and cool. With everyone apart from the odd very close friend, but especially with him. I have had men say they find intimidating because of it actually. Obviously I am not as secure underneath.

In a lot of ways I have tons of things going for me, for all I know he might think he is punching above his weight, but I can't have the chat. I would have no idea what to say and don't want to ruin what we have.

And because of the family thing, and what he is going through, I don't feel I have the right to be pushy. I am the light relief. We are getting closer bit by bit and he occasionally says lovely things (usually when a bit drunk), but I have no idea how to move it along. It is slightly killing me inside of course, but all the relationship advice out there seems to be to play it cool and make them come to you.

And @Eesha and @Jane1978xx, no not measuring him up for a groom suit at all but would like to think he might introduce me to his friends and family one day instead of keeping me a secret, which just basically makes us FWB

@UtterSocks if it's making you unhappy and anxious I'd start the conversation. I like the idea of using the current situation as an opener. @supercali77 posted something really good about being the cool girl a few threads back. To live the life we want we have to be making decisions that take us in that direction.

@UtterSocks well if you are chatting, just tell him that's the kind of thing you are looking for. It doesn't have to be a serious, sit down chat. No point wasting time if he has no intention that way for example his family are super religious and strict etc

@Eesha no they aren't like that at all and don't want to go into detail as too outing but basically a difficult and complex situation which I think would make him nervous of introducing a new woman into the equation

I'm just about to go into my video date... He had flowers and wine delivered to my doorstep/he left them. 😍😍😍😍

@CheesecakeAddict Have fun! He sounds besotted!

I’m on the fence with the cool girl situation.

I’ve always been of the school of thought that if a man likes you/wants something with you he will make it known, and I do find that attractive.

However, I think in modern dating it’s not necessarily like that these days. It’s a tricky one!

@BooFuckingHoo2 im also on the fence, I constantly feel like I dont want to chase anyone. My iron texts me each morning and we have a brief flirty exchange but I was conscious that wouldn't be enough if this lockdown lasts another month or so. So I started to text occasionally in the evening and it's felt nice to chat a bit more. I think sometimes you have to give a bit with these things and if someone doesn't like that, then they weren't really worth your attention.

I’m not on the fence anymore. Being chased and being the chasee is a game - no 2 ways around it. It might be thrilling and exciting and stereotypical and all that, but it’s a game. Rather than more of an equal dance around one another where you try to figure out compatibility, chasing involves one person holding back and the other one pursuing. It can never last long term so can set up disappointment when this phase ‘ends’, and it just feeds into the myth that all women are unsure of they want and need to be captured and convinced they want that man. I have my own mind

I definitely have my own mind

I’m sure of what I want and part of me feels that a man should make the effort early on in the relationship and if he’s after more than just a shag then he should make it known. Everyone’s different but that’s something I personally find attractive. I like confident men who go for what they want. Everyone likes different things, I’m not saying either is right or wrong, just adding my opinion!

I'm not in the fence. I like to see men make a lot of the advances to begin with. To my mind there are a bunch of reasons why this makes sense but by and large I've found that men that dont do it are either too shy for me or not interested enough. And that's fine. After a certain time though equal give and recieve seems the only sane option. Entitlement in others and myself is not an attractive trait. If I'm into someone, I want to feel free enough to say. I'm into you. Not handling the situation as though it might crack at simply....being into someone. How is this hard? If you spend time in bed, shagging, kissing, canoodling, its madness to me that then we would act like we dont really care about intimacy and what it means. For what? How long is this game supposed to go on for? I've been in the cool girl situation, sometimes because I genuinely didnt care (looking back I was not in a good place myself because this really wasnt who I used to be, no offence to people who prefer more casual partnerships) and sometimes because I was so afraid to break the vague situationship I found myself in. The times I did that were characterised by anxiety and not really feeling free to express myself. All self imposed. Sadly. What a waste of time and energy (for me at least). Anyway, this is the article I posted a few threads back medium.com/matter/against-chill-930dfb60a577

It makes sense a man approaching is not a bad thing but for me that is where it kind of needs to end. I need to feel like I have control over where things are going, what I want and what I need. I do like a confident man no one wants a wishy washy partner who can’t make decisions but confidence can come with arrogance and entitlement. And the chase game kind of allows that to breed

I've just had a bit of a surprise - the ex I blocked so recently on everything walked into my bedroom at 2.30am having driven an hour and a half to get there. My teenager should have locked up but sometimes he forgets and the ex banked on this but said he was prepared to have slept in his car and knocked in the morning. Obviously I was angry, which he totally failed to understand because he'd made this big gesture I was supposed to be won over by. It was a fairly short conversation, I locked the door after he left and now I'm thinking wtaf was he thinking?

@putastrawunderbaby thats strange, why was he there?

@putastrawunderbaby So this is the recent ex ? I would have called the police !! He walked into your bedrooom that’s stalking and breaking and entering.

Bloody hell @putastrawunderbaby that must have been a massive shock. I guess you were asleep too. Hope you feel ok - don't hesitate to report it, in case he repeats.

I woke up thinking one of the children had got up and there he was at the end of the bed wanting to talk because he'd been blocked everywhere. This is the recent ex I finished with over his controlling behaviour. He honestly couldn't see any issue with turning up like that and thought I'd be pleased at the effort he'd gone to. And he still refused to accept he'd ever been controlling, and maintained it was me with the problem. Honestly, I'm still completely bewildered that he thought this was an appropriate thing to do. I don't know about the police, that seems a bit OTT as he left after about 20 mins without a fight, and didn't threaten me or anything, but it was certainly bizarre and very unnerving.

@putastrawunderbaby hes nuts. I suggest you politely say if he does anything like that again, you'll call the police. It's not normal.

@putastrawunderbaby holy fuck. That's not OK.

Defo not ott to call police he came into your home at night. If he’d knocked on the door in the day fine but he came into your bedroom that’s ridiculous

@putastrawunderbaby
No normal, sane man would rock up to an ex's house and walk in through an unlocked door.

This is just another example of his controlling behaviour, he is in charge of how it ends and will not accept being blocked.

I hope this is truly the end, the man is insane.

Please, please make sure your house is secure at all times.

Please, please make sure your house is secure at all times.

I will, I've barely slept tbh and kept getting up to check he wasn't still outside.

Good morning everyone. @putastrawunderbaby I wouldn't have thought twice about phoning the police. Hope you are staying safe today.

I woke up to a lovely birthday text from Mr Army and we are video calling later. My healthy eating can wait for today. Going to just relax and enjoy the day as much as I can and celebrate with Mr Army at a later date.

Happy birthday @Dancerinthemoonlight

@putastrawunderbaby god that must have been awful. He sounds deluded that it would be a good idea what was he thinking!! Agree it’s control and perhaps you should call 101 for advice on this. They can have a word with him about appropriate behaviour and hopefully warn him off

Last night was a little wonky and I am unsure of what is going on! I had a couple drinks with friends on a quiz (but wasn’t drunk just merry). Mr Return was texting me after and it was kind of a longish convo and due to the alcohol I wasn’t finding texting very easy so I just rang him instead. We had a really nice long interesting chat and then he said ‘can I call you back’ which I said yes but you don’t have to - no no he said, I will in 5 mins.

but then clearly did not want to call me back and just started texting again. So I went to bed and said goodnight. He then said ‘thanks for the call it was nice I am glad one of us has got some balls (me)’ to have the courage to phone someone up. To me this isn’t a courageous act or anything, sometimes texting is annoying. He’s clearly shy/nervous which I do understand but I think I will find annoying! So I’m leaving the ball with him for our video quiz night because I am definitely not going to be organising all of that. And we are still ‘friends’ so is he just an anxious type or is he feeling pressure, I don’t know!