Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Msyoganidra32 I think regardless of the reason, you dodged a bullet there

@EchoElephant, you say you don't think he meant any harm, It's probably just my hyper-negative view of people, but anyone instructing you to drop your boundaries or change your feelings because they are a "good guy" usually means they are definitely not a good guy.

@StarryUnicorn I think it was just a throw away comment. He was trying to reassure me but it could be interpreted differently.
But we have had a long chat about that and our communication in general. I said "when you do this, it makes me feel like..." which I've never done before. I've never stood up for myself like that. The advice from this thread is working.

He apologised and said that he hadn't meant to upset me or scare me. He just enjoys chatting with me and really wants to meet me.
He's agreed to back off and we'll see how it goes over the next few days.
Very difficult sometimes to understand the meaning behind texts because you can't see the body language. And it's particularly bad when you've never met.

He’s just a chancer @mysoganidra32, clearly still married. Not a very respectful man as he clearly thought you were stupid and wouldn’t do any digging, you would just fall into bed with him. Seriously, I wouldn’t give him another thought. Hurts though 💐

@TigerDater. I m not hurt at all it’s not like I slept with him and actually that wasn’t mentioned once . One recent Facebook post was a picture of him with two young children and was saying about how he misses them and wants to see them . This was before he was talking to me and he already told me he was married . Which is why I was more puzzled about it all as he didn’t say he wasn’t married he said separated. As you say doesn’t matter now just firms my very low faith in OLD now and can see why people give up.

@Dazedandconfused10 just ask him what’s going on the thinking and wondering is worse than just getting it done

I’ve been stressing out about mr g I just felt like he was pulling away or wasn’t so interested anymore. I couldn’t really say that to him but I just said what was keeping me going was knowing things would be the same when this is over in terms of people etc . And then we got into how we both wanted everything to be the same. I feel a lot better now.

Hello all. Hope we are all ok in these strange times.

Reading through the thread here seems to be a bit of a pattern of worrying about asking what the relationship is. I think we have a really useful rule here. You should absolutely be able to ask how he other person sees the relationship and what they want workout any fear. If you don't like the answer at least you have taken charge and know what you are dealing with. This is your life. And you only get one.

I'm worrying about lockdown being lifted. But also want it lifted enough so I can see Mr B!

I agree I think you should ask. It might not be what you want to hear but then it saves you months or weeks of worry! Also then you can match up their words with actions

Defo I’m glad I did. The way he reacted was like it was obvious to him so why wasn’t it to me .

In my case it wasn’t what the relationship was as such as we’d discussed that at length before just that everything still stood and no thoughts or feelings had changed

it's so hard chatting during lockdown. there literally is nothing to say but I want to talk lol.

chatting with an old iron and thinking of asking him what he really things of us. it's really nerve wracking.

also I think this might be a no no but he is always on WhatsApp and I was going to ask him what he does on there. hes either online or just off every time I go on. is it a big no no to ask him? should I just trust him?

@crazycatlady20 I wouldn’t ask him. He could use it for work or just be in load of group chats with friends and family etc. I must get 200-300 WhatsApp messages a day at the mo 🤦‍♀️

@jane1974xx really? I wish I was that popular lol. he has always been online even when we used to chat before. I'll leave it. got to have some trust I suppose.

@crazycatlady20 i wouldn't ask as it will make you look needy, never an attractive trait. People use whatsapp all the time for other stuff.

Most of those are groups like work, family, neighbours, old uni friends etc. Not all personal to me.

@Msyoganidra32.

Block him. There's nothing you need an opinion for. rule no 6

Sounds harsh, but nothing good can ever come from a foundation of blatant lies

I’m on WA all day for work

@supercali77 both reasons . Not been seeing each other long pre lockdown and also ... I do know he likes me, and really finds me attractive, but his family situation is complex and we are very different. I worry he is maybe thinking of keeping me as a side hustle after lockdown, so seeing each other but not in the sort of relationship where we are an actual couple. And pre lockdown that was what I wanted but the more I get to know him the more I want the whole package 😳

Also ... how the hell exactly do you bring something like that up?

uttersocks why not just be honest? You want something more, if he doesn't then at least you will know.

Life is too short to not pursue what you want.

If he's not on the same page, cut him loose and find someone who is. You are wasting your time otherwise.

@UtterSocks. You could say something like this situation has made you realise that you want to have a relationship with someone that’s serious as you wouldn’t want to be on your own if it happened again. Don’t even ask him what he wants just make that statement.

I suggested initiating a chat about long term plans for the future, and seeing where it naturally leads. So along the lines of ‘this is what I want, how about you’ or just ‘this is what I would like’

Am utterly paralysed by the thought of doing any of that to be honest. I just feel needy and think it will put him off. I wish he would just bring it up...

You are not needy to ask this is a stereotype throwback where women are seen as clingy and needy just for having completely normal requirements

Think of it this way, do you respect people more or less who are honest and up front?

If you really feel you need to be full ‘cool girl’ with this guy then you are intimidated by him, and also not giving yourself enough credit of your own self worth. Do not wait until you are 6 months in to being a back up shag to have this chat.

Personal strength and resilience is attractive to normal healthy people. They can empathise and relate to it. If he can’t empathise and relate to you for asking then you should not be having any RS with him

@UtterSocks i agree with PP, but just phrase it well to say this is what you are looking for, are you both on the same page? I can't remember the ins and outs of your history but have you been seeing each other long?

It's not easy, and actually he could still lie and say he wants the same thing but at least you have verbalized your thoughts rather than keeping it inside and stressing yourself out.

And it’s not like you are saying you are in love with him now or expect to be in a serious relationship now . It’s just what your goal is. That makes it less scary I think