Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

TwoOpenOneClosed Well, if you are stupid I am too

Seriously , I definitely dont think of myself as stupid and nor should you

I didn't grow up witnessing a healthy dynamic between my parents. I understand and have compassion for the relationship choices I made because I understand why my bar was low.

We live and learn and that's far more important than berating yourself. X

TwoOpenOneClosed you're not stupid.
It's very easy to over-think, over-analyse, try and second guess what the other person is thinking.
I was clueless when I started OLD. No idea how a relationship should work, how to flirt, what to do on a date, how to message a man. I've learnt so much from my mistakes and from this thread

Menora Mr local is on his own and seems quite lonely. His messages are short, often funny but often don't say much. He isn't talking to anyone else but knows that I am, so I think he's just trying a bit too hard to keep my interest.
So I get "morning" and "good night" every day. If I don't answer he'll follow up with "what are you up" after about 30mins. Nothing wrong with that really but I feel like he's checking up on me. It's supposed to be FWB only, if we ever meet.

I do like @TigerDater's, @WindmillWhirl and @Menora's remarks above. Maybe lockdown is making me more reflective than usual. I had a very wild weekend (and I'm not talking bad hair or hedonism). I don't think online dating has been the best way of putting myself across. I can't do the numbers game, can't do pot luck. I dated really selectively for 3 years now and had the fortune to meet someone very special just the once. If I look at it honestly, dating after that ended has felt quite empty and while I've met lovely decent women and been good company and tried to conjure something up, ultimately I feel I've been going against my natural instincts. I need to feel at peace with myself and cultivate what I have in the here and now and let the future take care of itself.

I'm enjoying reading everyone's words of wisdom.

I currently have 2 irons, Mr Friends who will happily tell me about all his other irons, and can be very sarcastic, not always in a pleasant way though. I'm not even going to count him as an iron actually, just someone to pass the time.

Mr Fence who seems lovely, but isn't online much and isn't anywhere near me location wise!

I got rid of an iron/friend this weekend. He was constantly online and kept telling me he was free to chat all the time as dropping hints and asking me if I liked him all the time. It felt like he was watching me a bit and had literally nothing else to do. I said I was busy a few times (I was) and he didn’t seem to like it. We got on ok but I felt like he was pressuring me and unable to go with the flow, so I said sorry, I’m just not feeling it and blocked him a while after because something didn’t feel great. He immediately sent me a message on the dating app which I have not even opened. I understand it’s not nice to feel like you have been led on or something but at the same time I am going to listen to my instincts

What are people's opinions on sarcasm? I am quite sarcastic myself, but I am finding some of the 'jibes' a little mean. Not sure if it's his humour and if I'm being over sensitive.

Very hard online to read the tone and a fine line with humour.

Hmm I think it depends

If it’s mean little jibes about you I think that it could be a mean bloody personality shining through

I am sarcastic but never at someone else’s expense and don’t find it funny when people do it to me. There are plenty of other things to be sarcastic and funny about other than trying to neg a woman

Mr M was bit sarcastic and it actually was at times mean and hurtful. He also couldn’t handle it if I did it back to him

Thanks Menora.

Mr Friend is very complimentary about my looks, but it's the digs about my personality that I'm finding a little odd. If I pull him up he will say he's joking.

Yes if I say it back, doesn't go down well.

Is he a bit insecure?

You make him sound insecure

Talking about other irons to you openly - trying to make you feel a bit shit about it/impress on you that he is a man of prowess

Jabs about your personality - possibly conditioning you to accept shit behaviour from him by lowering your self esteem a little each time. Especially if he is insecure about his own personality or looks

He really doesn't appear insecure, quite the opposite. He does seem to need the constant admiration of others.

He has openly said about other irons that he's not particularly bothered about them, I have said I don't see the point in chatting to people I'm not interested in, plus I wouldn't want to lead on.

He doesn't see it like that...very odd.

I think he’s insecure but hiding it with being sharp and a bit of a twat 😂

@bangheadhere40 he sounds insecure, just boasting about irons so it makes you feel like you have a prize in him.

Hullo, I have popped over on the advice of one of you, after a post I did in relationships. bangheadhere40 I read an excellent book on relationships called the 7 principles of a successful marriage. It is actually all based on research and very interesting. Helped me work out why I stayed in a crap relationship so long. Anyway, he says sarcasm is a form of contempt. He calls it one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship. I think he is probably right. Anyway, I hate the 'I was only joking' response when someone is called out on being arsey.

Sarcasm is horrible, it’s the lowest form of wit. Irony is fine, and the distinction isn’t always clear I agree. But if the only one who is laughing when someone is ‘only joking’ is the person making the joke, if it hurts and confuses the butt of the joke, if it essentially puts them down, then it’s sarcasm and it’s crap. I’m sorry, @bangheadhere40, I would definitely be sending this presumptuous, selfish and mean little man packing.

With a flea in his ear to boot!

Hi @strongcloud how you doing?

@bangheadhere40 Sarcasm is really hard unless you’re face to face, you have to know someone really well to do it via text etc.

Hi Menora!

Thanks for asking. Oh I am ok. Just off to help my son learn his phoenics.

I decided to give POF another go. My profile clearly says that I'm only chatting for now but with a view to meeting once lockdown ends. But that means I'm only interesting in chatting to local people (30-40mins drive max).

I've had a lot of messages. All saying "Hi" or "Hi gorgeous". Not a single one is less than 50miles from me. Why bother??

Set it so they have to send you at least 50 words in an opening message

I have done now but all those messages were a waste of time because they're too far away. And obviously haven't bothered to read my profile

Hi ( copy, paste x 50) Make us work !