Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hi @eesha yeah thats what i suspect and no I can't do a thing about it I just have to wait and see! I know deep down he really has feelings for me and I can't give him what he wants so I should really just step away and leave him to it but I really like him too perhaps if I'd have met him in 5 yrs time it might have worked!

Wow well posting on here worked like a magic charm - took half an hour out to drop my kids at their dad's, and when I got back Mr Beard had messaged me saying 'fancy a chat?' So we spoke for an hour, and had such a great laugh, and also for the first time I told him about how sad I had been feeling on lockdown and a row I had with DD and he was actually really supportive. He also told me how much he loved talking to me, and promised to message me tonight and also offered to cook for me and drop it off (he is a really good cook and properly into it). And he lives miles away. Guess I need to stop projecting my insecurities onto him!

Wow @uttersocks that sounds fab! He sounds lovely there are definitely some great guys out there somewhere it's so nice not to have that horrible knot in your stomach wondering what's happening mind you it puts me off eating which is always a good thing 😂

@TwoOpenOneClosed did he stop texting things and start saying them in person instead ? That’s what I found and also some people once they’ve said something once don’t say it again.

@uttersocks sounds like the chat calmed your insecurity

@TwoOpenOneClosed

There are a million reasons why people do it, it is really hard to ever work out why it happens. What you can only control is how you deal with it. It is not your only option to lose your shit and become needy at all. If you are in a situation where you feel you cannot contact someone or talk to them then you need to take a step back I think. It could be a game, but it might not be. Don’t try to work them out because it’s a fools game all you do is spend even more time thinking and worrying about it
You are worth being treated well and if someone isn’t into you or finds someone else more interesting there is nothing you can do to get them to tell you or give you reassurance but you can manage how you feel about the situation by trying really hard to stop letting it take up so much space in your life

Or taking control and saying ‘this doesn’t work for me’

I spent way too much time being unhappy and worrying about people who wouldn’t talk to me properly or give me what I needed either but this was more about how I felt about myself not how I felt about them. I felt worthless and rubbish and then I let their actions (or lack of) confirm I was worthless and rubbish. You really aren’t

Yeh @TwoOpenOneClosed you definitely are not worthless! This is such a hard time though, things aren't normal and so easy to over invest and worry

(As I demonstrated) 🙄

I don’t want to give anyone false hope that it is just lockdown causing people to fall off radars and be struggling but at the same time, it’s possible as everyone has their own issues to deal with.

If we are talking here about fit and healthy grown ups who do not live with DC or have them on weekends or they are older and are furloughed or still working then they are in the same boat more or less than the whole U.K.

But those of us who are mums with our DC home all the time trying to work or worrying about paying bills, home schooling and feeding them 3 meals a day every day for weeks on end and keeping the house clean, I do find it hard to then find sympathy for irons who have less to deal with, although this doesn’t take into account their wider MH, family issues or money worries. It is also harder to find things to talk about or do, for all of us or needing some space now and again is fine.

But please just remember that we are all doing a great job and all doing the best we can do, and we will all have good and bad days that’s normal for all of us. If every day is a bad day then I think that’s something to think about a bit more deeply!

Yeah thanks I've just gone back and read the rules and given myself a good slap!
I have to stop over analysing everything and just take a step back and what ever will be will be, as someone previously said If they make contact everyday then they must still be interested I just need to match his level of interest I think everyone is just getting bored which is understandable

@TwoOpenOneClosed i think @Menora made some really good points there. It's just something one can't control in others and you need to see whether the level of communication suits you. I personally like some sort of daily chat otherwise I assume lack of interest. But it's true, it's a fools game to just worry why. I feel like that about my iron even though we've never even met. In my mind, he has loads of other chats going on and will ghost me any second. It's my insecurities. If he does, then he really isn't worth my time at all and I've had a lucky escape.

I dont really have anything else to add some great points made already. I just wanted to say I think we all go through it.

For me I thought I'd cracked it with distracting myself, getting on with my daily stuff and not worrying BUT it turns out that's only if I'm not overly keen on them. If I like them its another story, I really dont know how to stop myself from 2nd guessing and doubting everything! archiving doesnt work and I dont want to delete the chat.

I also think I struggle with how much u should message. coming from a relationship that was dead for years I forget what's the norm. I'd love to message all day but guys that do that do it for a few days then dissappear, and I guess it's not healthy anyway. I get anxious if they are online but not messaging me. totally unreasonable I know 😫

1st week back talking to old iron, cant remember his name, I'll re-name him Mr Drive. txts were frequent midweek altho hes still at work. he was busy doing things for family and seeing dc at the weekend so txts slowed, but hes still online lots.

need to sort myself out and take a step back.

@crazycatlady20 maybe delete the chat if you keep going back, otherwise you constantly risk seeing them online and worrying why they haven't messaged you. That's personally why I hate whatsapp and much prefer staying on the apps and talking.

Similar to you, I used to like all day messaging too but actually people have their own lives and jobs whereas although I'm busy as a SAHM, I have a lot more time to text (and worry). I get when you like someone a lot, you want to have that banter/excitement as it's like a drug.

I am trying to think it's out of my control what they do and actually that I'm suffocating what little pleasure I am getting, and that's not good either. My iron messages me every morning and it's lovely but again, in my mind, he must be messaging loads of people the same thing and about to ghost me! So when am I actually going to chill and enjoy things for what they are? I feel like I'm always waiting for the rug to get pulled out below me if I actually like someone. That's not healthy.

I have to stop over analysing everything and just take a step back and what ever will be will be

That was a very sensible slap then

Don't put him on a pedestal. He's just a man and loads of them around if you are prepared to wait for someone decent. You have plenty to offer and if he can't see that or doesn't make you feel secure (within reason, no one needs daily undying declarations of love and 24/7 texting) then move on.

Some people settle for so little and then spend their time anxiously awaiting the demise of the relationship. Don't be one of those people.

When you are important to someone, they let you know through their actions.

When you are important to someone, they let you know through their actions.

This, 100%. And be really, really honest with yourself about whether they, as an individual with foibles and quirks, are important to you - or whether they just happen to fit that man-shaped gap in your life for now

Agree with the last 3 posts so much they are important and your wellbeing is important. The more time you spend on the other person, investing and worrying is time you steal from yourself. And you aren’t enjoying yourself if you are stressing and worrying

There are some very wise words on here today and I'm nodding in agreement.
However, I'll just add that sometimes it's difficult to see what's going on when you're in the middle of it, stressing about messages, blue ticks and online status.
And that's why this thread is so helpful to give you a reality check, even if sometimes you don't want to hear it.

Now can someone go and give my iron Mr local a virtual slap?? Nice bloke but he's becoming a bit too needy.

I tend to see a pattern in myself, and realise what it is that the other person does or says (innocently sometimes) to trigger me into being over invested. It doesn’t just happen randomly, I’ve dated and chatted to plenty of men and not been over invested in them all. I used to think it was just a sign I liked them but it isn’t. It’s something about them as a person that sets off a bloody flashing light in my head that dives straight in going OK, this is it.

So things like if they are very affectionate, talk about wanting cuddles a lot, talk about how they admire me (theme here is flattery). Then the second thing is if they are slightly needy and a bit disorganised and chaotic. This seems to feed into my emotions as ‘this person might need me and find me useful’ and at first they do.... they need me and I am full of useful advice. But then they don’t really want to change or improve at all and I have by this time put a lot of of effort in so I don’t want it to go to waste. Every man I have fallen for in my life has been the master of his own chaos...

A man who appears to me as organised and confident has always put me off, I seem to assume that he is cold or boring. I mistake chaos for warmth and love as it’s what I am used to and I relate to

It is so hard to take the advice because you believe you are giving up hope on that person. By deleting a chat thread you think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Really you are just taking control of the situation to help yourself, the other person doesn’t know you deleted it

Mr Local being needy, do you want to bother with him anymore? Or can you change the topics to something light?

menora what you have written is really helpful and insightful, thank you. ‘Master of his own chaos’, I love that!

Wow @Menora what you have written is really insightful. Though I like organised and confident. I am chaotic enough for all of us (though I hide it super well).

Mr Beard, despite having had a really difficult couple of years, is very organised positive and confident (on the outside at least). But then yes, because he isn't needy I interpret it as being cold, or not cold but indifferent/less bothered, when actually he is just a secure grown up normal man, which is what I want.

So I agonise over him, while systematically binning all my needy irons because I don't have space in my life for any more takers, I am too much of a people pleaser anyway. And actually he is behaving quite normally and if I was not on lockdown would feel twice daily messages minimum and 3 calls a week was fine.

If only we could actually read people's minds life would be a lot easier. Except mine is a mess, so perhaps to my advantage if people don't!

Rambling thoughts I know but they might be useful to someone somewhere... 😂
Working in the NHS since I left school I obviously like to be that type of person who helps others. I must like to be needed and seen as useful. Where I am no use to someone I think I must assume there is no attraction or that they will not want me because there is no need there. I could feel that I am not good enough for them

Mr M was a classic needy chaotic man, it is unlikely most women would find him a catch at all. It is because he seemed to have potential to be great and my perfect man and he seemed to want that too. In all the chaos I got to be the steady constant person he seemed to need, who could always help him. Then he found me over bearing and annoying. Also I wasn’t allowed any of my own problems . I also made him feel inadequate I think when he made bad choices

I’m not saying everyone need to over analyse themselves but it is worth reflecting on what you actually find attractive, and why. What do you gain from it? How is it benefitting you? What are they offering you? How far will you go to try to convince them that you are amazing?

I think like most people I have had crap relationships, mediocre ones and finally now a really healthy one. The difference between the three is huge and very obvious to me now.

I've always been someone that gave my all in relationships. I used to think that was because I was a good, kind person and it was ok if someone didn't reciprocate and treat me the same because I was just overly kind-hearted. The reality was I settled for far less than I should have.

I am only speaking from my own experience, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I used to make being in a couple a very important part of life. I was rarely single and any time a relationship ended I wanted to quickly find a replacement. It meant I was not as choosy as I should have been and I settled for a lot of early behaviours I should have walked away from.

Over time I was able to see the pattern. These men did not treat me the way I treated them and they weren't overly bothered about it ending, whereas by then I was hooked and holding on, ignoring more crap behaviour, working myself up to thinking this man would be a huge loss if it ended!

When I last tried online dating I went into it knowing I'm happy on my own (I finally was content and happy, it took time but I got there) so I did not have the need to have a relationship although the idea appealed. This was a very different stance for me. I was not bothered then if someone I barely knew ghosted me or went off the radar. I was grateful that I found out early what I was dealing with and that they were not right for me.

When I met my partner online he contacted me initially and there was a spark. What came to mean more was the consistency of this. He didn't keep me wondering if he was interested, he made time to see me as much as possible, he did thoughtful things for me.

I realised that it wasn't that I was a beacon for bad men, I just gave them far more of my time and love without knowing who they truly were.

Relationships are great when they are healthy. When they aren't healthy they can be very damaging.

Invest wisely in them, set the bar high and never make excuses for people that don't make you feel good.

Ultimately the buck stops with us.

Wow some really great advice here especially what @windmillwhirl has written it really resonates with me and now it's made me cry I'm just so stupid
And @tigerdater you wrote this
This, 100%. And be really, really honest with yourself about whether they, as an individual with foibles and quirks, are important to you - or whether they just happen to fit that man-shaped gap in your life for now
This is so true!

You aren’t stupid please don’t think that. There is a lot of pressure on women to find a man and make it work or you feel like you have failed. You haven’t failed you might just need to look at things in a different way. A lot of us get older and then look back and think why is this happening? And try work out why