Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@SimonJT Mr Farmer is jealous, his rugby hasn't reopened at all as yet

@HairyArsedMan it’s not just a shag, they’re all guys I had a real connection with but they’re all locked down alone or in sole charge of their DC. So it’s as much friendship as horniness. One of them is Mr Cat who is heavily shielding as he has cancer. I was massively relieved to hear from him as I thought he may have...well, you know . It was nice reminiscing with him

@dancemom They’re only doing it as most of the teams we play have more money, so we have to be on top form straight away as we don’t buy in any players. It’s just the 1st team.

I have started to read women who love too much
It is a scary insight into myself
Actually think everyone should read it TBH
Especially if you are feeling crap more than you ever feel good about yourself

@putastrawunderbaby I agree with the others. You said no, so he goes off in a huff. That's not fair and so manipulative.

Afternoon all. Feeling really low today. Kids gone for a socially distant walk with their dad, and I am just feeling flat and lonely. Losing the sun doesn't help. I enjoyed the elephant hedge though @SimonJT. I have seen it before but always wondered where it was. I love elephants.

I am feeling pretty insecure about Mr Beard tbh, when actually he probably just doesn't have much to say and is feeling a bit low. And I'm better at messaging anyway. I wish he would phone more often, or be the one to suggest it more often. When I talk to him I feel fine, but between times I feel like I make more effort but it might just be a guy thing. And I really want to know if he sees me as a relationship or not, but can't ask (and he could just lie, couldn't he?). But I've posted all this before, many times, and just go round in circles. I need to end it don't I? I can't do much more of this, and I'm sure you can't all listen to it for another month either. 🙄🙈

Also I am talking to others and not sure if it makes me an arse or not. I'm just bored and insecure

@UtterSocks what's the background with you and Mr Beard? Surely if you are messaging regularly, then that's something? In my head, no messaging for one day and id assume lack of interest!!

@Eesha 3 weeks, 5 dates, great sex, lots of fun, then lockdown. We message every day, phone 2 or 3 times a week but I have never asked if he sees me as relationship material. He has a lot of baggage.

Hi @uttersocks I know exactly what you are feeling I feel the same atm but I'm not chatting to anyone else though and I'm sitting on my hands so I don't keep stalking him on whatsapp god I'm so sad and lonely.
It's so hard trying to find a guy when you still have children at home there just not interested I'm late 40s and all men my age have grown up children and want to be able to see me whenever they want and it's so frustrating when I can't! Arrrrrrgh
But I also don't want to meet a guy with younger children because then it works be even harder to find time to meet up!

@Twoopenoneclosed my kids are at home... well one at University and one at 6th Form, and he has 4 daughters don't live with him but he is very close to them all. Really there should be no obstacles like that but... not sure I could ever meet his family

Yeah all my children are still at home and still at school and my ex husband only has them eow so he can have his new life whereas I'm stuck with no chance of meeting anyone it's just so depressing when life is passing by with no one in it who truly wants to be with me.
I hate feeling insecure and second best all the time I had that throughout my marriage and still get it now. I just wish he would text and say he's not interested anymore instead of just a slow fade and hoping I'll go all needy and insecure on him and accuse him of ignoring me 🙄

Why couldn’t you meet his family @UtterSocks? And are you sure he is relationship material, that’s the most important thing isn’t it, not what he thinks? If he is, then maybe it’s time to stop tormenting yourself and just ask. Talking to others doesn’t make you an arse by the way, until you’ve had a conversation about where it’s going.

@putastrawunderbaby please don’t stay in any sort of a relationship with anyone in the belief that it’s preferable to being ‘alone’. Alone is not necessarily lonely, it’s way better than being abused - and it means you are still open to finding the right person.

@TwoOpenOneClosed you have my sympathies, it’s really horrible thinking you might be being faded. I used to delete chat and number at this stage - giving my friend the number in an envelope for safekeeping - so I wouldn’t be tempted to get in touch, and couldn’t see if he’d been online (WhatsApp). I’d give myself a time limit. If I hadn’t heard from him by that limit I would send the goodbye, good luck text. Couldn’t be arsed with poor communicators or rude people, whatever else they were up to.

It is an important question to ask yourself what YOU see the relationship as and why.
If you already know he isn’t relationship material and he’s slightly unavailable then this is different to him just having baggage, which we all have. Forget what he might want what do you want? As that is important.

If you are waiting for replies or messages delete the chat thread or at least archive it. I also will delete numbers to stop myself from sending messages

If you are putting in all the effort then this is why you are feeling disappointed. Don’t stop all together but pull that side of it back and put back as much as he is. We tend to make it easy for people we are dating to be lazy when they know the other person is keen and will do all the running

Also here is a thought I have been thinking that often it is absolutely not that someone is making decisions on how they feel about you, but how they feel about themselves. So of lockdown shows you that someone can’t cope, can’t motivate themselves, can’t communicate then this may be their personally type and it’s your decision whether you keep on trying to get them to be a better communicator, more positive and more open as that sounds like a lot of work for you to do that isn’t spent on yourself!

Clearly have been reading too many self help books in my free time 😂

@putastrawunderbaby I'm 52, been on the apps for 5yrs and I'm still alone. Some days I get really lonely, other days I'm happy I don't have to think about someone else.
Please don't put up with someone treating you badly. You deserve so much better. The right person is out there for you. But you won't find him if you don't start looking

@UtterSocks I love elephants as well!
Are you trying to find out if he's looking for a relationship rather than something casual? Or do you want to label what you have as a relationship? The first I would ask. See how he sees the future when we come out of lockdown.

@TwoOpenOneClosed I'm in a similar position with still having a child at home. I get one evening free every 2 weeks.
I find men in their late 40s/early 50s don't understand why I still have a teenager at home. And don't want to know because they like having free time to spontaneously do as they please.

*Personality type

If you are being slow faded I think deleting number and chats is the right thing to do

I am so glad I did it!

And actually it’s really rude if it’s the case and there is any level of investment and then a drop off with no explanation. Would you want to be with someone like that anyway?

@TwoOpenOneClosed, like @TigerDater, I archive my chats so I don't see them online (and not contacting me). If they don't contact me in 36hrs, then I delete them.

A little bit of an update from my post last night. I texted earlier saying that I hoped he had a nice BBQ etc and that I wished it was us. Miss seeing you and spending time with you.
Mr Army texted back, the feeling is mutual. It's not a huge romantic gesture but then I don't think he is the type of huge romantic gestures.
It has made me feel happier and more secure that he does miss spending time with me and seeing me and that he does want to see me again.

Thanks everyone I did end up messaging him I know! to ask him to do something he said he would do for me and he did do I then thanked him and said I would treat him the next time saw him but he hasn't replied and he's online I know I'm only fwb and I should just go back and read the rules!
Hey @EchoElephant that's exactly it they just don't get it then sulk or expect you to drop everything and make the children just disappear all the time I don't think I'll ever met anyone anytime soon whilst my children are still at home ( and that's going to be a while yet)

And @Dancerinthemoonlight that's great when you get something back of them to make you feel wanted!
Men can reel you in one minute then just step back and leave you feeling like what happened when they've got you hooked

@TwoOpenOneClosed

No one should be reeling people in and then stepping back it’s not normal or healthy to be in the situation. It’s not accepted as just something men do and just the way they are. If you find yourself thinking this way then you will accept bad behaviour from people

Hi @menora I'm not accepting it I'm just trying to understand why really?
He was great texting all the time telling me how amazing I was and how great we were together how alike we were and then it just seemed to stop and I can't really pinpoint why? Just like its a game for some men when they know that they have you hooked on them then they step back with no reason why or tell you if you've done something.
I know if I say something it just looks like I'm have a insecure tantrum and going all needy on him 🙄

@TwoOpenOneClosed i feel nine times out of 10, they have found another distraction. I'm always nervous of that one but you can't really control that one.