Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

That’s always hard isn’t it Echo, I also like to be honest with people about that kind of thing as well although it might not be what they want to hear what will they benefit from lying to them (and then they found out later on down the line you would look like a liar). Also I’ve realised you don’t owe people these explanations then they have made no commitment to you and if their feelings are hurt by it then it’s not nice I understand but you are only talking!

I had someone ask me yesterday what I was looking for and if I would consider casual and I said only if it was 100% honest from both people about the situation or it never ever works.

My therapy has revealed things I already knew but thought I was dealing with. I’m not. Now I am not sure about the way forward for me

@EchoElephant why even discuss whether chatting to others so early on? I think it's just standard really, however gutting it may be. I think just be vague if you answer stuff. I think with FWB though, he clearly knows with you that you are a good choice so doesnt want to let you run off with anyone else. It might be harder for him to find anyone new. Whereas with bog standard dating, there is so much bloody choice out there.

menora therapy is hard, really emotionally draining. Perhaps it’s best to step away from swiping while you’re going through it, to really focus on your issues and not risk damaging your good work? Just a thought.

I know I am not sure what to do. I am very much a want to fix things and move on forward type of person. Not ignore those things but I cannot change them, only go forward.

She says she thinks I have an anxious attachment disorder as I never had any secure attachments to any adults growing up and I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma which seems to be triggered when in these bad relationships and I feel vulnerable and a desire to want to create a family or stable relationship that I have never had before. I’m actually ok on my own, and was for a long time so the ideal solution sounds like it is to just stay alone. But that kind of makes it worse because then I feel even more like I have failed/defective. I can give myself stability, and I do, but I want to share that with someone else and the older my children get the stronger the urge.

Talking to my sister about it made it worse, as I think I was looking for some comfort and she is very pragmatic and pointed out all of my mistakes of rushing into things and how she could see I was making mistakes but I ignore them.
It’s ok for her. I took the brunt of most of it and she walked out of childhood slightly cold but has an amazing happy fulfilled life with a huge house, no money worries and a lovely long term partner and kids.

Hmmm your sister sounds a bit brutal menora, I find any interactions with my siblings are similarly comfortless! But there is a grain of truth in there re rushing into things. If you have an anxious attachment style (is it a disorder?) then I would guess you are someone who really needs to take things slowly with relationships, to build up real knowledge and trust. Swiping when you are feeling so fragile is perhaps an example of rushing at things when you do need to slow down.

My goodness there is nothing failed or defective about you, surviving an unhappy childhood and going on to thrive in your career and your children. You are awesome. And you need someone equally awesome to share that with you, not just anybody.

I have laid off the swiping, I have 2 irons and I am sticking with them for now. And no Rushing - lockdown is perfect for avoiding this it cannot happen! I have no option but to try to get to know someone slowly and them know me. Or not. I don’t know re vs style and disorder I think it’s just a term I felt that was being put forward.

She is brutal. And I find myself wanting her approval too

What happen is not that I rush, I allow myself to be rushed by others. I know I don’t want to be, and my brain is panicking about it but I let it happen and then begin to start colluding in it. When I meet someone who is not rushing me into anything it’s drama free. I just seem to attract a lot of idiots. I’ve had non rushed none dramatic relationships before and they were very calm and not half as bad. I just don’t seem to meet these people as often. I meet other insecure controlling men

@Menora You can change your attachment style to a certain extent.

I was a very classic fearful, very reliant on friends, very risky sexual behaviour/couldn’t have actual sex (yes, the two can go together!) couldn’t have a relationship and BDD and an ED.

Decent therapy can really help it, it isn’t pleasant and is often a case of it gets worse before it gets better, but it’s generally positive in the longterm.

Obviously it doesn’t change it completely, I’m no longer reliant on friends in an unhealthy way, still can’t have sex with strangers, no longer a relationship dodger, no longer avoid intimacy, a bit too self confident now, will always have BDD but ED is well controlled and now in the background. I’m also much less of a dick.

Have you had a look at ACEs?

Menora you mentioned bad relationships. Do you leave when men treat you badly or do you tend to stay with them?

A friend of mine has told me that the search radius on bumble has now included 'whole country'.

I'm not sure whether dating in lockdown is the right way to go- I can't understand how people could take it seriously; but only choose to alleviate their boredom and use dating platforms to entertain themselves. I'm in two minds about going back on bumble, and if I do, trying the whole country search.

In saying this however, I am a huge romantic and think maybe, the old pressure of meeting in real life and escalating the dates in to other dates and intimacy is now off the table- which allows for a different type of connection to take place- perhaps a less superficial one, as a lot of us are struggling with the impacts of this pandemic, a vulnerable side may emerge, and maybe people (men) might open up a little more, be themselves, in a place they feel safe to do so?
But then I don't know whether they would invest time into talking, and may still swipe->chat for a bit-->ghost, even more.

@LilMissRe like you, I'm a bit of a romantic and still occasionally using the apps. I did try and not take it too seriously but found an iron I actually like a lot. Who knows when we will ever be able to meet and I'm really hoping I don't get ghosted or similar, and hoping he feels the kind of chemistry feels that I do. I just think keep your mind open and give it all a go.

@Windmillwhirl

I usually do leave them. I have left or ended most of my relationships and have only once or twice ever been dumped

I realise I rarely meet minds with potential partners, usually emotions or bodies 😂

I’m trying something new
Although I am sure I am not ready for a relationship The 2 irons I have currently this is such a nice new experience because I basically have 2 new platonic friendships on the go where we are talking about work, films, politics, life. Nothing sexual, nothing emotionally heavy so far so it’s actually enjoyable, no pressure on anyone and no requirement to do or say anything I don’t want to. I am keeping them in the friendship zone right now because that’s all I feel ready to offer. For once I am more in control of what I need and want but I am also not hurting anyone else in the process

If I feel that things are slipping into a territory I am not comfortable with then I need to feel confident in myself and believe that I can reassert myself.

Question. Someone I met on tinder just before lockdown- used to check in every 3/4 days. I didn't mind the frequency because it did get a bit monotonous- what are you up to etc.

Day of the lockdown extension, we chatted and he said aww shame looks like our first date will be extended by another 6 weeks. So I said 6? its only extended by 3. He says oh he's sure they were will be further restrictions- works in NHS policy something or other ( so not lockdown, but maybe bars etc not open). I said oh we can be creative and break few rules. He replied with lol and yes I cant wait to finally meet you even if it's masks and santisers. That was 8 days ago. I sent a smiley at the end of the convo. Radio silence since.

He's not interested is he? Even as I type this its apparent. Do I just leave him? ( I mean not delete, block) If he came back in 2 weeks would you date? I quite fancy what I see , but not like I have invested in him majorly.

@Myfabby im always of the mind if you like Someone to send one last message even if you messaged last. Maybe how’s your week been , I’ve been busy with x and y. If he doesn’t reply you are no worse off. These are strange times and there’s not much to talk about or plan

@Myfabby I'd possibly leave it myself. I had a similar thing with Mr HotandYoung and he became distant. I texted first a few times but although he messaged back, it's pretty obvious now he was fading me out (thanks @HairyArsedMan for helping me see that!) 8 days later seems too long.

Ok my news is that I'm hugely overinvested in Mr German and I really don't want to be. We just get on so well and I really want things to happen.

@Eesha I'm with you in the over investment with Mr Farmer, wondering how things are supposed to go post lockdown though.

Doesn't look like bars and restaurants will be open for some time, are dates destined to be walks in the park for the foreseeable??

@Myfabby if you like him contact him, he may be thinking the same thing you are and you have nothing to lose 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone, how are you all managing to keep conversations going with online irons you haven’t met yet? I have ventured into the world of apps and, after some er.. learning experiences, have been talking to an absolutely lovely man who ticks so many boxes. We have really clicked and can talk for ages, but I’m already feeling worried about how to continue the getting to know each other. At what point do I suggest a video date if at all? I get the impression he could be quite shy.

Is anyone else finding this kind of dating so so useful for working on boundaries and exploring attachment styles etc?

@dancemom I foresee long walks in the park for us as can't see anything being open for ages. With me, it would need to be relaxed a lot as I'd need a family member to have the kids and I haven't seen them in ages too (over a month). It's all a long way off sadly.

I’m just talking to my new guy friends on the phone. We text sometimes but have spoken on a couple of calls and it’s quite fun
There are times where I am busy or not as chatty which is natural

@Treesinthewind

And yes it’s doing me the world of good!

@Treesinthewind I’m in a similar position. Had a second long phone conversation (2+ hours) last night with a man I matched with on Tinder at the beginning of lockdown. We get on really well, both made each other laugh loads. At the end of the conversation I just said “I think I’m going to foist a video call on you next time” in a jokey way and he was all for it. Just suggest it as a possibility and see, let him know if he’s not keen you’re fine to just stick to the phone but I think he’ll be up for it.

My problem is, now that I have this guy - let’s call him Mr Socks - it has put me in a dilemma with another man I went on an actual date with just before lockdown (I’ll call him Mr Cat). I had a good time on my date with Mr Cat overall, there were a couple of very small niggles but I wasn’t sure if I was just being overly picky/could’ve been nerves etc. Anyway we’ve stayed in contact and have since had one long phone chat and a video call, both of which were good enjoyable chats.

However now things with Mr Socks have progressed, I’m finding myself less interested in talking to Mr Cat and am wondering if I should scale down the contact or just outright tell him I’m not that keen any more. Part of me thinks I should carry on talking to them both, as I’ve never met Mr Socks (although will hopefully have a better idea of him as and when we do video chat) but I’m just not sure it’s fair on Mr Cat to keep “dating” him when there’s someone else in the picture who, if I’m honest, I do feel more of a chemistry with. But am I just being delusional? Can you trust your chemistry with someone you’ve never met and should I write off another person who I do like and wouldn’t be against meeting up with again if we weren’t in lockdown? Urgh I don’t know. I just know if I was Mr Cat and I found out the person I was “dating” was having this level of contact and connection with someone else I wouldn’t really like it

Thanks guys. I am leaving it- he knows where I am. Just archived the chat. Not swiping anymore for now. Sick and tired of the false starts for now.

@Tafelberg, I would date both until you are sure. Did you and mr Cat have the exclusive chat? He is most likely chatting with more than one person too..

Mr Vegan was supposed to facetime at lunch today. I feel really hurt that he hasn't been online and I just feel like I'm hanging about my phone waiting for him to come online rather than enjoying my Saturday 😔. I know logically, he's enjoying a Saturday morning sleep in, but the irrational part of my brain is telling me he's ghosting me. I need some help 😂😂

@CheesecakeAddict from how you have described Mr Vegan, he sounds really devoted to you and amazing. So I just think try and see the facts.