Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Do you message men Menora?

I haven’t yet on POF. I went through a load of bumble and tinder matches doing messaging first and it was the same

I think I probably need to step away from it today for a while I think I’m only trying to do it to make myself feel better as I’ve had a real wobble today about my self worth and I don’t want to undo the good progress I have made so far

Checking in as it’s been awhile!
I’ve read all I’ve missed, so much resonating! I’m finding it tough and not tough. No financial worries at present and the kids moving between houses is working, ex is being ok, his mother called me to shout at me the other night which was fun! But like a lot I’m struggling with the lack of contact, I live for the supermarket visits and choose my till carefully it has to be someone chatty, messages and video calls only do so much, I really miss looking someone in the eye and talking. Would be worse without the kids obviously.
Also someone said about feeling left out of friends socials, I so hear you, my friends bailed this week, which I get and can understand but I know they are having other calls with others on different evenings, whereas they are the only ones for me, so feeling resentful it was my call that was postponed if that makes sense! Probably not!!

Iron wise, mr old messages every day, never heavy just cheeky and chatty which makes me smile. I’ve got a couple new irons, mr Life, whom I’m struggling hugely with lockdown over, he’s very keen to break lockdown rules - I won’t , main reason why I needed to come back and remind myself I’m not the only one struggling, and rules apply to everyone, it’s weird clicking with someone and them being 10 minutes up the road and having to do nothing about it!
Also hugely over invested in mr too far, I don’t do long distance and he’s in another country so never going to happen, but spending far too much time chatting to him! I really am a bit lonely!

It really is a numbers game. So many people out there are not right for you, or your for them. I'm sure when reading the thread we all have moments of "what does he/she see in them" when others are describing their irons. I know mine has some qualities and habits that are often decried on the thread as deal breakers to others.

Don't over invest in the swiping stage and don't be afraid to be brutal with messages that aren't up to scratch.

@Menora, please don't have a wobble ! You were super supportive to me the other day and you always offer really thoughtful advice and opinions. It's easy for friends to say ' more to life/it'll be fine' etc when you're the one feeling lonely or fed up. I am filling in big gaps here as I don't know you but you seem a great person, funny and intelligent. It can feel frustrating and endless when you are in a bit of a rubbish place with dating. But I have no doubt whatsoever that it won't be long before someone captures your imagination. The 'positives' day the other day made for such wonderful reading. We all have tons to feel proud of. It made me personally raise my bar and remind myself that I am the prize and deserve someone extra special. We all do.

It’s a specific thing that’s made me wobble a bit. I think sometimes bad memories or feelings are lurking around the corner ready to pounce on you and maybe I am not ready to date at all yet. I also know I am at the weird point where I still want someone to put some effort in to me, because I am tired of always being the one who makes all the effort. And I feel like the only way to get this to work is if I put a lot more effort in. So I am matching the effort of these boring dullards and how they aren’t depressed by themselves don’t know 😂

I have counselling today but we are not at the moving forward with plans stage as it’s still unpicking what’s going on stage.

So I got a couple messages and I had gone through local people and tried to start things too earlier. Just had a message that said can I ask you a question? I said yes. He said you are very attractive but why are you single?
What do you even say to that? 😂

I don't think I have any real advice but I completely understand. I hate online dating. I think the standards have really plummeted and I don't think the majority value a relationship- they say they do, but they don't. This clutters the pool of daters and it is really frustrating.

I think match is the biggest scam there is. I signed up twice in the last 2 years, got lots of attention- none from any person within my criteria, either tool old and I'm talking 25 years plus, too far away or smoke and drink regularly. It's shocking really.

bumble was good until the tinder users clocked on to it. Rather than give women the choice to initiate conversation, what this has done is near guaranteed women a taste of daily rejection. Loads of men swipe willy nilly then drop into the vortex just when you think conversations are going smoothly.

There have some nice enough men on there, but with me, they ghosted after 3 months, or not just that into me

The whole thing is deflating and disheartening, and it hurts even more when my friends split up and walk straight into another relationship with "the man of their dreams who they found on tinder/pof"

beggars belief

@menora I've had a few say that. I make a joke and tell them I'm a horrible person or it's a lucky pic lol. I actually do think my pics look better than what I do in real life 🙈. they are all me but I'm scared I'll get accused of cat fishing one day.

Yeah I think a couple have asked me if I am a catfish before too. I just said ‘I don’t know how to answer that, why are you single?’ and now it’s killed the discussion. It was his opening line!

JaggySplinter I get what you're saying about the numbers game. I must've said 'no thanks' to hundreds of men over the last few years.

But, if I rejected everyone who didn't quite seem my type or the messages were hard work etc, then I would be left with no one. I will give most people a chance and always answer a message if they seem ok.

LilMissRe I agree, Match is terrible. I paid for 6mths a couple of years ago and gave up after 2 months.
I found that some men had blocked me even though I'd never contacted them. They obviously got in there first and blocked anyone they didn't like the look of.

Menora did you reply to the "why are you single" question?

I was on Match and agree it was expensive with a limited number of men. I ended up joining Badoo and met my lovely man on there. I've not heard it really mentioned on here. I'm not in the UK, but presume it's there as well?

@windmillwhirl yes we have badoo. that's mainly what I used but u see the same people on all the apps if I'm honest.

has anyone ever got back chatting with someone they chatted to before. how did it work? did u just kind of start over or were u further down the line?

I first spoke to an iron 7/8 months ago, met a few times (thru that period), had sex, but his life was a bit up and down and wasnt looking for the same as me and wasnt always the nicest. back in contact, he says hes changed his mind and more sorted. only been a few days but does it feel a bit differeng, but not sure if I'm being love bombed. I'd like to know if hes talking to anyone else but dunno if that's a bit unreasonable on my part?

I’d be a bit wary @crazycatlady20. I’ve had irons come back before. I think maybe they’ve done the rounds and realised the grass wasn’t greener. Not necessarily a bad thing; but didn’t make me feel good, and I also think it’s very rare that they change. Their circumstances can of course, but I’d they were not nor before I’d be watching to see those traits come back sometime...

@crazycatlady20 if you’d just drifted apart I’d say try again but if he wasn’t nice what’s the point ?

@crazycatlady20 you say he wasn't nice before? I'm all about taking opportunities but why should you give him a chance when he wasn't nice to you after all that. Surely you deserve to start something off in a more positive way?

I must have been a bit unique in that I only did one app at a time. I was exclusively match and then badoo. I saw crossover in profiles from match to Badoo but also enty of new faces on Badoo, probably because Badoo was significantly cheaper.

I only found out about it as a friend , 10 years younger than me, was on it and seemed to be getting lots of dates. That's why I gave it a try. Cheaper sites have more men, that much is obvious

I can see what you are saying. he was nice to start, but then his life got turned upside down basically and he couldnt cope. he seems more settled again now. I am very wary, just not sure I can hold back or should I just go all in, enjoy it for what it is and if it doesnt work then I'll know holding back wasnt the issue. I've told him that this is his last chance with me so he knows where I stand.

@Menora I'd have made a big joke of it, saying I'm hideous etc but then I always joke around with things like that. I think it's hard also for men to come up with something to say/introduce themselves.

@crazycatlady20 you should hold back if you are insistent on seeing him again. On the plus side, with the lockdown, it will be a while before you see him again. And it depends how he treated you before. Did he ghost you?

@Stuckinarut79 couldn't you do a socially distanced walk in the park with Mr Life if he lives that close by? I'm not sure how it would work but sounds easy!

I think I would struggle to want to go back to someone who was horrible or mean. I’m sensitive like that 😂

I have 2 irons now. Mr Return who is still funny and very responsive
And Mr Hat. Now Mr Hat has a good sense of humour and is attractive but he talks about drinking a lot so I am going to be on my guard about that

Wobble of yesterday feels less wobbly.

Hello 👋🏻 how is everyone checking in as it's been ages ! I've been 'virtual dating' Mr.S now last 3 months or so, went on dates before lockdown, messages multiple messages daily FaceTimes, dropped me food medication when I've asked for it! Sent me cards letters he's been amazing so supportive 🥺something I'm not used too at all.. we haven't seen each other at all and he's bringing me some shopping & wine (he's offered !) tonight when kids are in bed, as I've missed wine and I have a garden and you can walk around to get in. He wants to sit n chat 2-3 metres apart for 10 mins once dropped off things before he leaves which I think is ok as he won't be touching nothing or me n we will be all face masked gloves etc

Menora good to hear you're less wobbly today. Enjoy your chats

crazycatlady20 I'd be very wary of someone reappearing. It's happened to me and didn't end well.
But you're not going to be able to see each other for a while, so you could use the opportunity to see how he is with you now. Right amount of communication, maybe talk on the phone, does he understand how he made you feel?

dollface19 Mr S sounds lovely.

My Fab irons have reduced themselves down to 2 - Mr local and Mr London
Mr local keeps in touch regularly but doesn't have much to say. However, he can be quite funny when he's on a roll.
Mr London is more serious and sends long, thoughtful messages.
Both are looking for exclusive FWB when this madness is over.

At the moment, I'm just enjoying chatting to both. However, Mr local told me last night that he isn't chatting to anyone else. When I said I was chatting to one other, he replied "so this is a competition?"
He made a few jokes about how he was the better choice but it left me feeling a bit annoyed.
I haven't met either of these men. I've no idea if I will get the opportunity to met them. But I felt like I was being judged.