Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband says I smell

173 replies

bluespirals · 14/04/2020 17:52

I've been living in a miserable, almost sexless marriage devoid of intimacy for too long. I've got to the point where I blame myself, I think I must be unattractive and it's not just my husband who doesn't want me, no man would want to.

I could cope with no sex if the rest of the relationship was good, but he spends all his time on his computer and gaming. I believe he is impotent and has other health issues that cause a lack of libido, but he won't speak to the doctor about it despite it going on for about 3 years. When we would have sex he would get extremely tired very quickly and feel ill afterwards.

I do not ask or nag for sex, but I have brought it up as part of general discussions about our relationship. I've said I'm unhappy, it's making me depressed and I cant live like this for the rest of my life. That I would like him to seek medical help for whatever is stopping things. He always shouts at me and dismisses my feelings.

We have had sex twice this year but both times only a few minutes as he became tired and lost his erection.

Today I told him I don't think I can be with him anymore if he doesn't care about my feelings, I'm so miserable and would be happier alone. That I feel so unwanted and don't deserve to be in a miserable marriage like this, I'm not even 30. He then said he finds the smell from my vagina off putting during sex and I'm disgusting.

He's never mentioned this before so I don't know if he's saying it to be hurtful or if this is true. Yes there is a faint odour at certain points of the month but isn't that normal?

I just feel so unsexy and horrible

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 14/04/2020 19:05

Get out, get out, get out.

Mustbethewine · 14/04/2020 19:05

Leave OP! You deserve so much more! He sounds rancid.

QuacksInTheDark · 14/04/2020 19:06

He’s tried to humiliate you with this bull shit to shut you up. LTB the cunt that he is.

GreyishDays · 14/04/2020 19:08

Isn’t there an over the counter BV test these days? Might be made by the makers of canesten and so has similar packaging.

SabrinaTheTeenageBitch · 14/04/2020 19:08

You are so young. Please don't resign yourself to life being like this. It really, really doesn't need to be

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 19:11

It sounds like personally you are having issues, elsewhere rather than just the bedroom, which, in turn makes an issue in the bedroom!

I know, genitals dont always smell the most pleasant! But, there should be a proper conversation or a subtle hint first.

Me and my DP have been together over 5 years, i know, when i was pregnant i had bacterial vaginosis and trust me, i could smell something was off! But DP still wanted to, and, still does! It's me who usually turns it down now due to baby and being hella tired.

That doesn't sound like an attempt to try and resolve a situation but, in fact hurt you amd seem like you are the problem when infact you arent.

Every relationship is different, did you originally have lots of sex? Passionate? Have things recently gone downhill? Any other reasoning behind it?

Personally, if i spoke to my DP and said 'look, im unhappy with our sex life, or generally unhappy, what can we do to chamge it' and my DP ignored it, I'd be out, especially after what seems like a while you have been trying to resolve things.

A real relationship is about communication, trust and a need for intimacy. Which seems, you arent getting any of those.

I say, talk to him once more, have a idea of what you want before this chat, sit down, say your feelings. If he dismisses you again, I'd personally be leaving and saying i want a divorce and no more am i being treated like this.

You deserve happiness, love, affection and if sex is what you desire, sex! You are entitled to all of those, just, because you are married doesnt mean you have to subject yourself to this.

I really hope that you can sit and work things out, but, if not, you have to understand that you are a great person, worthy of finding the correct love for you.

Just because this marriage may fail, doesn't mean you'll never find it in someone else

Maybeimweird · 14/04/2020 19:12

I did also think maybe he is gay

TealWater · 14/04/2020 19:12

Has he been having an affair maybe and getting it elsewhere? A bit difficult with the lockdown at the moment, I know. But it's the first thing I thought of. Do you have/want children? If so, if he can't manage to have successful sex with you, then that will be impossible. Does he watch porn on the computer, get himself off? Could it be a porn addiction? Whatever it is, he sounds truly nasty and hateful, you would be well justified in leaving him if he won't admit what the issue is, and if it's a medical issue and not affair/porn get medical help. You are so young. This is not fair on you.

needsahouseboy · 14/04/2020 19:13

He's gay and a complete arsehole. Leave, life is really too short for this crap.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/04/2020 19:14

"He's never mentioned this before so I don't know if he's saying it to be hurtful or if this is true."
Of course it isn't true. As for why he's saying it - yes, to be hurtful, but ultimately to stop you talking about your marriage with him. Well, talking about anything really. Talking makes it hard for him to pretend to himself that the shit is not hitting the fan. I presume he's in denial about his impotence. If he spends a lot of time on his computer, it could be that he's become a porn addict - impotence through porn addiction / overuse is pretty common (it desensitises the user to such an extent that they just can't get it up any more).

You're under 30. You're not tied to him by children. You have absolutely no need to stay in this unhappy marriage.

Spend your time 'getting your ducks in a row', as the saying goes. Which means, get your financial paperwork together so that you can start disentangling yourselves, and start planning for your future. Gather copies of bank statements, mortgage statements, payslips, bills etc. and see where you stand.

You need to start asking yourself some questions and start taking decisions.

For example - do you own or rent? If you rent, are you both on the lease? Can one of you take the lease on alone and the other move out? Would you want him to move out or to move out yourself. If you own, is there any equity in the house to divide? Can one of you buy the other out? Who will move out? If you, where would you go?

Now these are not questions for you to answer here - they're for you to answer to yourself.

Go through all your finances - savings, debts, commitments, utilities etc. Work out what you can do and what you want to do.

Start looking for a lawyer to handle your divorce.

Let your family know what is happening and draw on their support, be it practical or emotional.

And most of all - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS - IT'S HIM, NOT YOU.

Best wishes. ((hug))

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2020 19:14

Please don’t waste your best years with this vile man. His comments are so abnormal.

10milewalk · 14/04/2020 19:14

I can only hope that you can find the courage to walk away, you deserve better then this.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/04/2020 19:18

I could cope with no sex if the rest of the relationship was good, but he spends all his time on his computer and gaming

Im sorry lass, never mind any possible or imaginary smell

He's not interested in a relationship. You're convenient, not an interest of his. You deserve so much more.

lalafafa · 14/04/2020 19:20

you could have BV

PussGirl · 14/04/2020 19:20

I'd get swabs done just to make sure but it's likely he's just being unkind.

My ex used to tell me I had bad breath - I didn't, though his own breath was awful. I asked trusted friends and my dentist who said it was fine, but it knocked my confidence.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/04/2020 19:23

This isnt about sex.

SinglePringle · 14/04/2020 19:24

He is a nasty, nasty man. He knows he is at fault and hasn’t the balls to own it. He’s arrogant, insecure and a misogynist to boot. What a delightful combination.

You are so so young. So young. Leave him as soon as you possibly can - you WILL cope and your life WILL improve.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 14/04/2020 19:24

Erm, so what are the reasons to stay in this marriage? It is ok to stop flogging a dead horse, and no, you don’t need his consent to leave and yes, regardless of what people may tell you divorce is a wonderful destination (even a lovely place to stay) even when you are not in a marriage as bad as this.

FlaskMaster · 14/04/2020 19:24

At the risk of stating the fucking obvious, straight men find the smell of a vagina arousing, especially during sex. Either he has issues, or he's trying to be hurtful and damage your self esteem. You're in your 20s, nobody needs this shit but especially as you're so young. You have so many years ahead, don't waste any more on this absolute dick head.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 14/04/2020 19:25

Ps. But whether you stay or leave, have yourself checked.

TheyAreMinerals · 14/04/2020 19:26

I spent 5 years with an impotent man because I loved himHmm although he wouldn't discuss it or see a doctor (he was diabetic). It crushed my self-esteem and made me feel somehow disgusting for wanting sex. I'm so angry now when I think of it.

Your DH sounds mean and useless. You deserve better.

BadDaughter01 · 14/04/2020 19:27

Run for the fucking hills!!!

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 14/04/2020 19:28

It sounds like he has “the ick” I’m afraid. I had it with my ex-partner and I started to find his ‘smell’ really off-putting. It’s cruel of him to tell you though.

Whatever his reasons, your sex life is dead and it sounds like the relationship is over. You sound so deflated and unhappy OP - you need to get out. You’re so young and you deserve someone who values and loves you.
You will look back and wonder why you stayed so long - please don’t waste any more time on him.

UniversalAunt · 14/04/2020 19:32

For yourself, get your health checked out.
For yourself, get out of this dissatisfying destructive relationship.
For yourself, live the life you want & enjoy.

AnnaNimmity · 14/04/2020 19:33

he's using it as an excuse for his own impotence. He sounds dreadful - boring, dull and cruel. And you are only young, you don't need to put up with a sexless relationship with someone who is so unpleasant. Who doesn't even talk to you.

And worse this has made you feel unwanted and unattractive. Get out while you're young. He's the one with the problem, not you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.