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Original poster

Husband says I smell

173 replies

bluespirals · 14/04/2020 17:52

I've been living in a miserable, almost sexless marriage devoid of intimacy for too long. I've got to the point where I blame myself, I think I must be unattractive and it's not just my husband who doesn't want me, no man would want to.

I could cope with no sex if the rest of the relationship was good, but he spends all his time on his computer and gaming. I believe he is impotent and has other health issues that cause a lack of libido, but he won't speak to the doctor about it despite it going on for about 3 years. When we would have sex he would get extremely tired very quickly and feel ill afterwards.

I do not ask or nag for sex, but I have brought it up as part of general discussions about our relationship. I've said I'm unhappy, it's making me depressed and I cant live like this for the rest of my life. That I would like him to seek medical help for whatever is stopping things. He always shouts at me and dismisses my feelings.

We have had sex twice this year but both times only a few minutes as he became tired and lost his erection.

Today I told him I don't think I can be with him anymore if he doesn't care about my feelings, I'm so miserable and would be happier alone. That I feel so unwanted and don't deserve to be in a miserable marriage like this, I'm not even 30. He then said he finds the smell from my vagina off putting during sex and I'm disgusting.

He's never mentioned this before so I don't know if he's saying it to be hurtful or if this is true. Yes there is a faint odour at certain points of the month but isn't that normal?

I just feel so unsexy and horrible

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 14/04/2020 18:38

You are so young! Too young to tie yourself to this misery for the rest of your life. There are plenty of men out there who would cherish and desire you. He's the one with the problem, whatever it is. If he was kind and loving in other areas then you might want to work together with him to get to the bottom of his problem, but as he seems like a right git, then why bother? Free yourself, and get on with the rest of your life without being shackled to him.

crosspelican · 14/04/2020 18:39

As the owner of the vag in question, you would probably have noticed over the last few years if you had bacterial vaginosis (the smell is powerful!). But let's just give him the benefit of the doubt - feel free to go to the GP and have a quick check.

But... it really really doesn't sound as though you are the problem here. He has a problem - be it low or absent libido (did you have more sex when you first met?), erectile dysfunction, he might be gay - who knows?

Whatever it is, he is concealing it from you and that's really unhealthy. You have no reason to stay in this marriage - you're super young and have lots of time to meet somebody who values and FANCIES you the way you should be.

justmilknosugarplease · 14/04/2020 18:40

My first LTB

Honestly, life is too short. You deserve better.

Even if you did smell then there are nicer ways to tell you.

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 14/04/2020 18:41

Definitely do get checked at the doctors - many women who have issues like BV can’t smell themselves. If you do have an issue, the way he’s phrased it makes him a grade A cunt and you definitely don’t need him in your life (but you also have the bonus of having your issue solved and able to move on with someone who will actually love you and fulfil your needs).

If you have no issues with anything like BV, you still need to end this relationship. He doesn’t love you, no one in a loving relationship would bring an issue like that up in such a cold and cruel way and he‘ll be deflecting if it’s not an actual issue.

How was the sex before marriage? Has it always been this poor? Has he always had a problem with stamina/maintaining an errection?

Eesha · 14/04/2020 18:41

I'd be mortified if someone said that to me, and definitely would leave such a cruel man. There are ways of speaking to people that are not cruel.

Thinkingabout1t · 14/04/2020 18:47

He should see a doctor about his health/MH problems. But that's his problem, not yours.

Your problem is being married to a man who insults you and doesn't care enough about you to take any action that would improve your life together.

You've tried unsuccessfully to help him. Now you have to look after yourself. I hope you'll move on, start having fun, rebuild your confidence and meet a loving man who deserves you.

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 18:47

Go to the doctor's. It's easy enough to find out whether he has a point or not. It's not a nice thing to hear but if it's true and it's affecting how he feels about sex with you then he has a right to say it, when pressed, and you did press him for a conversation about this.

I agree with everyone else that he could be lashing out to hurt you because he's embarrassed about his own issues, or he could be gay. But it's entirely possible that what he said about you is also true.

Either way, I think this marriage is dead in the water now and you should call it a day. Once one or both of you has got the ick there is no coming back from it. There doesn't seem to be much to fight for.

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 18:47

Time to get rid.

thecatsabsentcojones · 14/04/2020 18:47

Life is way too short, get rid, you will find a bloke who relishes your nethers!

Bumsnet1 · 14/04/2020 18:50

If he truly wanted to have sex with you, he would have sat you down ages ago and had a mature and loving conversation about 'the smell'. I once had BV and my boyfriend let me know straight away because he still desired me.

Unfortunately, I get the impression your husband is not interested in having any type of relationship with you. He ignores and devalues you. I hate divorce, but I can't even see where you have a marriage.

minmooch · 14/04/2020 18:51

I'm not sure why you would want to have sex with this man anyway.

You deserve so much better than this. Please find a way to leave this relationship and find someone much better.

SkaLaLand · 14/04/2020 18:52

OP I wasted 7 years (19-26) In an unfilling relationship both emotionally and sexually because I didn't have the confidence to leave.

Please leave him, he is not worth it. I am now married with two kids and my DH STILL can't keep his hands off me. It's marvelous and I regret spending those 7 years of my youth I will never get back with that tosser.

Honestly it will be the best decision you have ever made.

Useryokyesno · 14/04/2020 18:58

That's awful op. I think you would notice if you had a bad smell. Of course a bit of a smell occasionally is normal. A really bad one is a sign of Bv often. But in all honesty he sounds like he's deflecting and being mean. Is he your age? It's quite young to have these issues. In general how fit and healthy is he?

Useryokyesno · 14/04/2020 18:58

Sorry also wanted to clarify regardless of his issues or not. He was crule and you should leave. He will just get worse.

carly2803 · 14/04/2020 18:59

dont waste your life. You are not even 30, divorce him. Do not have kids with him and now run a mile

Life is way too short! and hes a cock

YangShanPo · 14/04/2020 18:59

If he loved you, was attracted to you and wanted sex but the only thing putting him off was this smell he would have told you before now and in a nicer way.

Justaboy · 14/04/2020 18:59

OP can you say how old he is and also how long has this being going on for?

I very much suspect ED that he dosnt want to do anything about thats a rather odd situation and if he's around 30 thats a a bit concerning at that age.

As to the odd smell all in i very much sucspet thats a red herring excuse.

puds11 · 14/04/2020 19:01

He sounds like a waste of space. I’d be getting rid.

You are not disgusting.

Helpthisgirl · 14/04/2020 19:01

OK even if you did have a funny smell I’m sure it wouldn’t be so bad you couldn’t have sex? I think he’s lieing, make a appointment for the doctors they will do some swans and see, leave him I would you need to be happy, life is to short xx

Legoandloldolls · 14/04/2020 19:04

Oh dear, you could seek gp advice for yourself, but even if you do have a issue down there, nothing can fix him.

Your so young and he sounds horrible.

ItsMsActually · 14/04/2020 19:04

He sounds like a waste if space regardless of the sex issue, but that on top of everything else just clarifies that you're not even in a relationship. Sounds like you're just lodgers.
I don't know any straight man who turns down sex. There's something brewing and you don't need to hang around to find out what it is.
Do you own your home? Have children? Would it be an easy enough break up?

mamato3lads · 14/04/2020 19:04

Nasty cunt.

It's just an excuse to get out of sex. So he is cruel and nasty on top of being dead below the waist. Great combo. Get the fuck out of there.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 14/04/2020 19:05

Its not really normal for a straight man to be "disgusted" by his female partner's genitals. The only couples I know who have had this issue are couples where the man has eventually come out as gay. I think he's gay and this is an excuse.
Leave him. His attitude is vile.

Horehound · 14/04/2020 19:05

@CrystalAlligator didn't you tell your friend it was so bad?

Healthyandhappy · 14/04/2020 19:05

Book a nurse appointment for full swabs if all clear get rid of him

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