Gender disappointment

[mumofboystimesthree]

I have 3 boys and have always been desperate for a girl. I love my boys to absolute pieces and don't want a girl instead of them, it's as well as. Being on lockdown in a house full of boys & DH has made me feel worse as I'm missing girly time with my mum/friends etc... This year and last everyone under the sun has had a girl. My sister just gave birth to a girl after 2 boys & my best friend is expecting one. This has made me feel down even more and jealous, which is an awful thing to admit. For those that want to troll me or say nasty things, gender disappointment is a real thing.
I always wanted a daughter as I grew up with all girls. My parents were divorced & I didn't see my dad so it was my mum and 2 sisters I was close too. My grandad died before I was born so I only had my Granny & aunties growing up. Literally no men and as much as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama) I'm still pining for what I don't have. I tried for a girl with my last DS and did everything you're supposed to but obviously it didn't work (glad of it now!!).
How do you get over GD? I'm not going to have anymore kids as it's not fair to keep going. I also want to give the 3 beautiful boys I have all the love and attention they deserve. I hate feeling sad and jealous when I hear of anyone having a girl, I can't help it and it does affect my relationship as my mood can be up and down. When I think of never having a daughter for the rest of my life I feel incredibly sad. It doesn't help either that having all boys is seen negatively by others. I've lost count of the horrible/negative/sympathetic comments I've had from strangers & family about my all boy brood. That's definitely made my GD worse!

All I can say that as someone who has children of both genders (2 of each) that they are all different and their sex doesn't matter. It's their personalities. It really doesn't affect your relationship with them. I do exactly the same with all of them and we get on just as well. Some obviously have more interest in some things than others. One of my sons is the one that confides in me the most. Will tell me all the dramas in his life, girlfriend trouble etc and one of my girls is the sportiest and tougher than all of them.

Start viewing them as people/individuals rather than purely as boys.

There's no guarantee you'd get the sort of girl you want, or that you'd have a good relationship. I have a very difficult one with my mother, whereas my male cousin is very close to his mum.

Finally, spend some time on the Infertility board here, and count your blessings.

I have 2 of the sane gender and wanted a mixture. If I had a different gender the second time I would likely have gone on to have a third, but I didn't want the disappointment.

My initial disappointment was when I had my 12 week scan, but I got over it pretty quickly.

I've got 2 girls....I have sisters too and I know what a close bond we have. Like you, I wouldn't be without my second DD....she's very close to me and is such a little star...she's 17 now btw.

I just thank God that I conceived both my DDs first time we tried and they were born healthy.
I look at all those with infertility issues and realised how grateful I should be.

GD isn't as simple as count your blessings. Perhaps if people thought about how they speak so negatively about boys and how undervalued they are in western society that would be a start. Boys always get a bad rap and it's no wonder the male suicide rate is sky high over girls.
I don't want a girl to dress in pink or do "girl" things with. With 3 boys who are massively into sport, myself included I would be raising a tomboy. It's more about connecting with a girl as men & women are so different. Living in a house full of testosterone is very hard sometimes and anyone would crave more of a balance!

Your sons will grow up and marry, and you can have a lovely relationship with your daughters in law.
Many girls are not “girlie” at all - my own elder DD has cropped hair, is into martial arts, feminism and communism, did a maths degree and works in risk analysis. Is happiest playing geeky computer games with her engineer boyfriend. And I love her that way! As a radfem myself, I would have really struggled with a daughter who was into pink frilly crap, make up, and avoiding science/sport as “for boys”.
Try not to think in quite such gender stereotypes, OP. All children are human beings first and foremost, with a huge range of interests all across the so called gender divide.
Don’t make yourself unhappy by focusing on what you lack - think how blessed you are compared with, say, an infertile woman, who would have given anything to have your three boys.

Mum's of girls definitely don't get the same shit given to them that mum's of all boys get. That is a fact having spoken to friends about this.

I agree that having a girl is slightly different to having a boy in some ways but you describe missing "girly time". What does that mean exactly?

Gender disappointment is nothing to do with not appreciating what you have and is an unwanted reaction, you are right. But to be this pronounced so long after the baby stage is not so common. Can you articulate what it is that worries you about not having a daughter?

I'm really sorry you feel that way, I just don't get it. I have two girls and got fed up with people asking if in would have another to try for a boy. Given that my first nearly didn't make it in never gave two hoots about gender. Being given a photo of my purple baby was terrifying. My child was enough gender never came into it.

Mum's of girls definitely don't get the same shit given to them that mum's of all boys get. That is a fact having spoken to friends about this
As far as I'm concerned this is because those adults need to grow up and change their mindset. Most of the comments linked to boys are male stereotypes and are just as in insidious as comments and attitudes towards girls.
It's about time adults lost the cheeky chappy, got your hands full with boys mentality, the "a daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife" crap.

Mums of girls definitely get negative comments. Don't fancy being in your house when they're teenagers. Girls are bitchy. Your poor dh. Oh the drama. Bet you fight over the bathroom. And on and on ad nauseum.

Don't fall into the trap of negatively comparing situations. Examine why you're concerned about your own

As stated I'm not interested in pink or so called stereotypical girl things. It's about connecting with a girl, biologically and physiologically we are made up differently. I'm actually not that girly myself but I do prefer conversing with my female relatives and friends as we have more in common.

I don’t understand the girly time bit, I left that behind as a teenager. My 11 year old dd enjoys playing with her hair etc and girly type things but with her friends! Also my boys aren’t I do this stuff with dad causes it’s blokes stuff, sorry but I don’t get your disappointment

Absolutely ridiculous to suggest that girls are valued over boys in Western society.
Personally speaking, I’ve only got boys and haven’t received any negativity.

In fact, as a conventionally feminine women working in the male-dominated science & tech world, I didn’t want girls. My whole career to date has been a battle because I’m female and I didn’t want any daughters to experience the same (because they would, it takes generations for cultural change). Life is easier in so many respects for males. Be grateful your boys will have a less complicated path to walk than their female peers.

I could have written your post so I understand how you feel OP and think you have been very brave. A lot of people will try to make you feel bad for feeling this way.

I too was brought up in an all girl household and too have all boy DCs - I have experienced some very dark times accepting that I'll never have a daughter and too seem to be surrounded by little girls and feel insanely jealous! You are not alone.

I encountered real fertility struggles too and while I was desperate for a baby I didn't realise quite how much I'd wanted girl babies until I gave birth to our final IVF son.
At my lowest with these struggles, I will honestly admit that I would not have judged someone for feeling the way you do - everybody's story is different and one person's struggle is not everybody else's problem.

Regardless of these issues, it doesn't matter whether you struggled or not in my opinion - every one is entitled to wishes and desires and gender disappointment is a real issue so you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed OP.

The best advice I received while going through counselling for PND with my last baby was to face it head on - write down all of the things I really wanted a daughter for and spend an afternoon privately indulging the fantasy of a daughter, looking at clothes online etc etc. Really try to accept it and lose the shame surrounding it. It is a valid disappointment.

Once I accepted it, I felt much better and have felt much more positive since but I don't think it'll ever fully leave me.

Also thinking of examples of all the different children in my life and how they all differ in personality, regardless of gender helps.
It helps with the negative 'boys will be boys' comments when my children are actually all pretty easy going and very sweet natured, despite what people assume.
Some of the girls in my life have the worst behaviour and actively rebel against what their mothers want them to wear or do, while my boys will happily put on whatever I get for them and find the fun in most things.

I struggled in terms of not being able to buy much pink or floral stuff that I always found so pretty. The help combat this, I looked for clothes that weren't typically 'boy' with dinasaurs and blue - I went for more neutral and animal themed stuff. It really helped and I enjoyed it in the end too

Be kind to yourself, HTH

If you look deeper into it (which some of you clearly haven't had to) negative gender stereotyping is everywhere!!! Even buying baby clothes for boys I saw this on numerous babygro's/vests/outfits "born wild" "noisy but nice" "active and messy". Girls clothes on the other hand "oh so pretty" "little girls big smiles" "pretty in pink". We are constantly told from the off that girls are quieter, sweeter, nicer than boys. Of course that's not true but it's the message we're given. GD is not as simple as saying my baby nearly died so be grateful. If that was the case we wouldn't dare complain about anything in our lives ever again as people are dying of cancer, so none of you should complain about anything - ridiculous comparison to give. I'm trying to make people aware that gender stereotyping plays a big part in GD. Think of all those times you've been told a mum is having a 3rd or 4th boy and did you offer your sympathy?! "You poor thing I couldn't cope with 3/4 boys" "I feel so sorry for you completely outnumbered" "a daughter is for life, a son is a son until he gets a wife" "boys are noisy and messy, girls are so quiet & well behaved" complete bollocks but it's said to me all the bloody time.

I was home from the hospital about an hour with dd2 when my ndn said 'you'll have to go again to get a boy for dh'

You just THINK mother's of girls don't get shit comments. We absolutely do.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. A friend of mine had 3 little boys and went on to adopt a little girl, not sure if that could be an option? The boys are just crazy about her. Or getting a girl dog? Obvs not a replacement for a daughter but an animal you could love and nurture and take your mind off of it. Could give her a real girly name, pink collar, etc. Sort of that's a stupid idea it's just something I had considered after 2 boys. I do have a girl now and honestly it is very different than having my boys and I guess that's why I wish I had better ideas for you. It's not all sunshine and rainbows though, she is bossy and mouthy and tries to be the boss of the whole house (she's 2). I never had that with the boys lol.

If you look deeper into it (which some of you clearly haven't had to) negative gender stereotyping is everywhere!!! Even buying baby clothes for boys I saw this on numerous babygro's/vests/outfits "born wild" "noisy but nice" "active and messy".
Girls clothes on the other hand "oh so pretty" "little girls big smiles" "pretty in pink". We are constantly told from the off that girls are quieter, sweeter, nicer than boys. Of course that's not true but it's the message

So stand against it.

Girls being stereotyped as being pretty and sweet doesn't mean people think girls are nicer. It means that some people think girls are sweet and compliant when younger, but then they'll also present them as bitchy and a handful as teens.
I'm not sure having a daughter compensates for the fact that some adults are frankly stupid in their way of thinking about boys.

The stupid, dated ideas aren't going to change whilst adults play along with them.

My Dsis has 3 girls (all grown up now)

She has a LOAD of negative shit thrown at her after her third dd was born. Some was downright abusive. Her FIL declared that 'the whole thing is MASSIVE disappointment" and I think he was throwing the other 2 girls into that statement too.

I sort of get it OP. I come from a family of all women. I have a dd and a ds. My ds was the first boy to be born into our family in 35 years.

My ds though is much more prone to emotional outbursts though. He also has zero interest in sports.
I do understand the 'connection' you talk about with a dd though. I've never managed to get my dd in a skirt/dress but we do have good chats. This isn't a given though.

@coffeecoffeegoose thank you so much for your reply and your completely non-judgmental understanding. It is a hard topic to discuss but it is prevalent more than a lot of people realise. My own midwife said GD is the cause for a lot of post-natal depression, but women are too afraid to speak out as they are ashamed so they suffer in silence with their own thoughts. I have PCOS and took fertility drugs to conceive my first two sons and despite wanting a girl I am extremely grateful to have all of my boys. They are my whole world and I love them beyond words. I've had CBT for GD but it hasn't worked and I still feel the same. I think it's a sadness I'll always have and I have to accept that it's the way things will be. Thank you again @coffeecoffeegoose for being so open about your struggles too💛

Just to add when my Dsis had her 3rd dd she was told regularly my friends and aquaintences how "disappointed she must be"

OP I get it. I am lucky enough to have one of each and although I love my big handsome 17 yr old son to the ends of this earth, I just have a super connection with my DD. It is a nice thing to have another female to connect with. It also happens that she is very like me in a lot of ways, which I am sure helps. I know I'd feel exactly like you do, if I didn't get my girl.
And don't bother to any trolls giving me hate, I have had to endure IVF to have these angels and I was beyond happy to be even able to have two babies, but I still hoped one would be a girl.

I always wanted two DC’s - one of each. Instead, I have two DS’s and I am forever grateful for them. I would have loved to have a DD but it wasn’t to be and I certainly didn’t want more children.
If it’s starting to affect your relationship, you really need to consider getting some help to deal with your feelings.

You are right about gender stereotyping. Yes of course.

But you have your own unconscious bias from your childhood and you are projecting. You pine for girly time, you're surrounded by testosterone, you feel sad and jealous etc. You are projecting your prejudices onto your family.

I understand gender disappointment. I recognise what you are feeling. But you are wedded to it instead of challenging it.

Raise your boys to challenge the stereotype. Champion them. Celebrate them. It took me a while to see the agency I had to change my own feelings when I experienced gender disappointment. I had to reexamine my own prejudices.

I agree with you saying mums of girls get a hard time too if they have multiple girls. I think if anyone has 3 or 4 of the same gender regardless of boys/girls people like to comment negatively and make that person feel shit for not having the so called "perfect" family. What I meant was when I've talked to my friends with 1 or 2 girls they don't seem to get half the negative stuff I do. Perhaps it's a 3+ child thing? My MIL had 6 bothers, twin boys (my DH), and now has 3 grandsons. When I told her my ds3 was a boy she asked if there was any way the harmony test was wrong. Seeing her crushing disappointment broke my heart. Everyone said to her as she had twin boys, that at least she would get a granddaughter in the future but she's not going to now. My family on the other hand are extremely girl heavy and the last boy born before my own boys was 75years ago.