Gender disappointment

[mumofboystimesthree]

I have 3 boys and have always been desperate for a girl. I love my boys to absolute pieces and don't want a girl instead of them, it's as well as. Being on lockdown in a house full of boys & DH has made me feel worse as I'm missing girly time with my mum/friends etc... This year and last everyone under the sun has had a girl. My sister just gave birth to a girl after 2 boys & my best friend is expecting one. This has made me feel down even more and jealous, which is an awful thing to admit. For those that want to troll me or say nasty things, gender disappointment is a real thing.
I always wanted a daughter as I grew up with all girls. My parents were divorced & I didn't see my dad so it was my mum and 2 sisters I was close too. My grandad died before I was born so I only had my Granny & aunties growing up. Literally no men and as much as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama) I'm still pining for what I don't have. I tried for a girl with my last DS and did everything you're supposed to but obviously it didn't work (glad of it now!!).
How do you get over GD? I'm not going to have anymore kids as it's not fair to keep going. I also want to give the 3 beautiful boys I have all the love and attention they deserve. I hate feeling sad and jealous when I hear of anyone having a girl, I can't help it and it does affect my relationship as my mood can be up and down. When I think of never having a daughter for the rest of my life I feel incredibly sad. It doesn't help either that having all boys is seen negatively by others. I've lost count of the horrible/negative/sympathetic comments I've had from strangers & family about my all boy brood. That's definitely made my GD worse!

Unfortunately as a male, I can't really offer anything from an empathy point of view in terms of experience although I understand exactly what you mean in terms of saying that you cannot help feeling the way you do - much in the way that someone with depression can't just 'cheer up'. What I would say is that gender stereotyping isn't a good thing whether it is negative or seemingly positive (girls are 'sweet and well behaved' etc.). I'm sure that people with daughters will have just as many fears in different ways as the path for either gender is fraught with its own obstacles. It makes me laugh a bit when people go on about girls being hormonal as boys are full of testosterone, which is a hormone! I have two boys and it is full on at times but it's partly because they are 5 and 7 so it comes with the territory. Next door has a boy and a girl, both fantastic children but no different - plenty of shouting and screaming and occasional fights and tears.

@ShowOfHands yes indeed, I challenge stereotypes with my boys all the time. I never want them to grow up thinking boys are better than girls or girls can't do certain things (anyone who watches kids tv again will see the negative stereotypes we given to our kids). I competitively lift weights and my boys see women doing things men "typically" do. I also work in a male orientated field (partner in a law firm) so I'll be sure to smash any negativity that comes my way.

I wanted boys and got girls, no disappointment though and no longer yearn for a son. However DH gets a lot of negativity along the lines of - house of 3 women, teenage nightmare, poor you etc - it drives me bonkers. Would absolutely say girls are still seen as second best and the preference in all societies is for boys!

@Isitsixoclockalready completely agree! My boys are 6, 4 & 18mnths. My neighbours have 2 girls 7&4 and they are louder than all my boys put together. For whatever the reason, maybe it is my upbringing I feel more comfortable around females and enjoy the connection I have with my mum and sisters. My boys are into dinosaurs, wrestling & obsessed with football. I try my very best to get involved and join in, but my heart isn't in it and I don't enjoy it. I see how much fun they have with my DH and they do connect on a different level to him.

I mean no disappointment now, but if I'd found out dd was a dd before she was born I would def have experienced those pangs and also felt pressure to have a third to try and give DH a son (not from him) glad we didn't in the end!

I think you need to go further though. It's not just showing girls playing rugby and boys doing make up, it's the spectrum. So much of challenging the stereotypes seems to be an attempt to swap them. So encouraging girls to avoid pink and chase STEM. Yes yes yes to all that but if it's not what they want. We seem to go too far the other way and model the opposite of what we dislike. Raising a child is raising an individual so championing them. Learning about your own prejudices. Not devaluing a competitive boy or steering an emotional girl into stoicism to avoid stereotype. That's when it stops feeling like a battle and becomes a celebration. Letting go of the stereotypes is harder than you think. You just develop a desire to contradict them which isn't necessarily helpful either.

As a radfem myself, I would have really struggled with a daughter who was into pink frilly crap, make up, and avoiding science/sport as “for boys”

Surely as a "radfem" you want your children to be themselves. I find the idea of struggling with a child because their personality doesn't match your own way more unpleasant than gender disappointment!

I always wanted a boy. I had a boy first. Second time I didn't mind and got my beautiful daughter. I'm not a girly girl so didn't want a daughter for 'girly' time. Which is just as well as she's a raging tomboy!

Ps there's definitely not more negativity towards having boys. Women were decapitated in ancient times for failing to produce a son. I think girls are still seen as the second rate sex to be fair

@stakeholderwizz I found out what I was having with all 3 of mine and I bitterly regret it now. All I heard was "it's a boy" and I focused on that and not the person they are/would become. I didn't care with my first I was so excited to be pregnant so gender was irrelevant. With my 2nd I had horrendous sickness, carried differently etc.. & everyone inc my midwife said it was a girl. The complete shock I had at the scan when I saw the boy bits😂I always wanted 3 kids so tried everything under the sun for a girl & I did feel depressed when I heard boy. I wish now I'd waited until the birth to find out. As soon as I set eyes on my babies I felt elated and pure love. That would be my advice to anyone pregnant & hoping for a particular gender, wait until they're born to find out.

I agree letting your kids be kids. If your girls like pink and dressing up why not? If your boys like rugby & football why not? It's great that we can offer girls & boys the opportunity to try anything they want. I wouldn't push my boys into so called "girly" activities as naturally they gravitate towards anything make orientated.

OP, I find it easier to talk to women too, on the whole, in part because it's easier to open up to do women, you can be yourself instead of having to put on a laddish act and you get more empathy.

Don't beat yourself up OP honestly - it is the whole reason I didn't find out with my second, I knew how I would feel but like you say when you set eyes on them all that melts away! You can't change finding out though and I think you are doing the right thing acknowledging these feelings now and addressing them.

I get it. I have two DSs who I love tremendously and wouldn't change for the world. But I lost my mum 7 years ago and I miss a mother daughter relationship in my life. I grew up with 2 brothers who also had wonderful relationships with my mum, but it wasn't the same. When/if my boys have children I know that I'll always be the MIL - you don't have to spend long on here to know the difference that bears on DILs and grandchildren. Chances are I won't be the most important woman in their lives forever and that makes me a little sad but is just the way it is.
I don't particularly want 3 kids, but if I knew I'd definitely have a daughter then I would do it. When we found out DC2 was a boy, I wasn't sad that I was having another boy, I was sad knowing that I would never have a girl as it would be our last child.

Of course, everything I've said about relationships with daughters, DILs etc is a generalisation, and I know if I did happen to go on to have a daughter I could never predict the relationship we'd have.

If you look deeper into it (which some of you clearly haven't had to) negative gender stereotyping is everywhere!!! Even buying baby clothes for boys I saw this on numerous babygro's/vests/outfits "born wild" "noisy but nice" "active and messy". Girls clothes on the other hand "oh so pretty" "little girls big smiles" "pretty in pink". We are constantly told from the off that girls are quieter, sweeter, nicer than boys. Of course that's not true but it's the message we're given.

It is perfectly possible not to blindly accept this message, or to receive as gospel the kind of thing dimwit Next clothes designers put as slogans on babygros, you know. And the 'girls are sweet' thing is just as damaging to girls as the 'boys are wild and messy' slogan.

I'm not unsympathetic, OP I remembering being pregnant with DS in the knowledge that this would be my only child, and shopping with a friend who had an eight year old boy and being depressed by the rails of navy blue and khaki with quasi-military or sport slogans, and thinking 'Is this the emotional range my boy is expected to conform to sort of grunting about fighting or football?' And both my sisters in law were terribly disappointed on my behalf, as they had both been obsessed with having a girl, and had had two boys each before having a girl -- and while they're nice women, they're uneducated and fairly thoughtless about gender norms and socialisation.

But I quickly realised that this nonsense was other people's stupid stereotyping, and nothing to do with me or my baby. Resist it, OP, the way you are likely to have resisted all your life any time someone told you you couldn't do something because it wasn't for girls. Model for your sons a way of living which offers a wide range of interests and emotional range, independent of gender, and let go of your own preconceptions about what girls are like.

My DH is a typical man (sorry I'm being stereotypical) and he finds it difficult to relate to me on an emotional level. He also has selective hearing which my sons seem to have inherited🤪I could talk for hours on end to my mum & sis's which DH finds insane. I had a zoom call with some female friends the other night for 2.5hrs - no idea what we were talking about for that long but I miss them and having meaningful conversations. DH is good on a practical level if I have a problem but he always wants to fix things. Unfortunately with GD you can't unless you do gender selection. That is what I feel sad about that they all have each other (DH & the boys) and as they grow up they'll have more in common with him than me. I've seen it already with football chat, wrestling etc..

@Pennywort that's what I was saying that the messages on clothes are completely depressing. I don't agree with them at all. If I had a girl I wouldn't be buying any of the slogan clothes, saying a girl is pretty & sweet is just as offensive as slaying boys. I don't buy into it but I wish other people didn't hold these beliefs to be true.

I have a few friends who have 2 boys (teens now). They adore their boys. Seriously they are lovely boys. However both my friends have said to me that if they had been guaranteed a girl, they would definitely had a third child. I think they would probably recognise some things you've said OP.

However they have absolutely inserted themselves into their Ds's lives in a really positive way. It's hard to explain but, one friend has forcibly taught her boys to cook and cook well. Baking too. She doesn't accept any 'lack of presents' for birthdays. She tells them how she expects to be treated. She taught them from a young age all about periods. She's constantly informing them how important women are, how women should be respected and treated. That life isn't all about Rugby or Skateboarding but snuggling up with their mum to watch a film, shopping or going out to music gigs etc. I really admire her for this. Now her boys tower above her and they adore her and respect the hell out of her. She says she's helping her future DIL's.

OP your posts are dripping with gender stereotypes! Your DH doesn’t have ‘selective hearing’ at all and you excusing it in this way just perpetuates this kind of crap.

Gender stereotypes are harmful for both sexes, but especially females... who are too emotional, not practical, talk about nothing important for hours on end, are sweet and kind, don’t make a fuss; wipe arses, get paid less, loses job when pregnant etc etc.

If you look deeper into it (which some of you clearly haven't had to) negative gender stereotyping is everywhere!!! Even buying baby clothes for boys I saw this on numerous babygro's/vests/outfits "born wild" "noisy but nice" "active and messy". Girls clothes on the other hand "oh so pretty" "little girls big smiles" "pretty in pink". We are constantly told from the off that girls are quieter, sweeter, nicer than boys. *
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Sorry OP, but I see the above as being an issue for females, not males. Females being forced into their 'quiet, sweet and nice' boxes, while boys can do as they please.

I am quoting the OP above, not sure if the bold has shown up!

OP, I understand you. I have a DS myself and it seemed everyone around me at the time he was born were having girls. We didn't find out his gender while I was pregnant but in my gut I knew he was a boy and that came with a tinge of sadness (of course I count my blessings that he's here, but that isn't mutually exclusive with having feelings of sadness as well).

I would love to have a daughter. We'll try for another baby so I still have a chance. I've made my peace with the potential to have another boy - and I love being a mummy to a DS!! So being a mummy to two will be wonderful, if that's what happens.

I've spent time trying to work out why I feel that I would like a daughter (in addition to my son, not instead of). I think the two main reasons are: worry that my son(s) will drift from me in later life (as my brother has done from our mum while I'm still very close with her) causing lack of contact and missing out on having similar interests (whilst I appreciate my son(s) could share these interests there is a highly likelihood that a daughter would enjoy them - is this gender stereotyping? Probably).

You'll never know what could have been, whether you'd have had the daughter you imagine or not. I always think I'd feel the same feelings if I were to have a daughter and we drifted / didn't have the relationship I imagine / etc. So I don't know that it's gender disappointment as much as relationship disappointment (that may or may not even happen yet) if that makes sense? Just know that your feelings are valid and don't take away from the feelings you have towards your sons

I don't buy into it but I wish other people didn't hold these beliefs to be true.

Well, I agree with you that the messages on a lot of small children's clothes are depressing, but as I said above, you acknowledge yourself that they aren't true, and should be resisted. And yes, I found it annoying to deal with other people's dopey and unsought sympathy that my much-wanted only child should be male (!) especially when they assumed I must be concealing my own desperate disappointment but again, that's other people's unthinking nonsense.

My DH is a typical man (sorry I'm being stereotypical) and he finds it difficult to relate to me on an emotional level. He also has selective hearing which my sons seem to have inherited

This is YOU stereotyping. Don't you see how you're contradicting yourself? My DS is an extremely sensitive and emotional child, and has an acute ear for the niceties of adult moods and emotions, and my male best friend is the most emotionally-aware person I know of either sex.

@milicentbystander72 it was nice to read your post

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but it does get easier.
There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels.