Gender disappointment

[mumofboystimesthree]

I have 3 boys and have always been desperate for a girl. I love my boys to absolute pieces and don't want a girl instead of them, it's as well as. Being on lockdown in a house full of boys & DH has made me feel worse as I'm missing girly time with my mum/friends etc... This year and last everyone under the sun has had a girl. My sister just gave birth to a girl after 2 boys & my best friend is expecting one. This has made me feel down even more and jealous, which is an awful thing to admit. For those that want to troll me or say nasty things, gender disappointment is a real thing.
I always wanted a daughter as I grew up with all girls. My parents were divorced & I didn't see my dad so it was my mum and 2 sisters I was close too. My grandad died before I was born so I only had my Granny & aunties growing up. Literally no men and as much as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama) I'm still pining for what I don't have. I tried for a girl with my last DS and did everything you're supposed to but obviously it didn't work (glad of it now!!).
How do you get over GD? I'm not going to have anymore kids as it's not fair to keep going. I also want to give the 3 beautiful boys I have all the love and attention they deserve. I hate feeling sad and jealous when I hear of anyone having a girl, I can't help it and it does affect my relationship as my mood can be up and down. When I think of never having a daughter for the rest of my life I feel incredibly sad. It doesn't help either that having all boys is seen negatively by others. I've lost count of the horrible/negative/sympathetic comments I've had from strangers & family about my all boy brood. That's definitely made my GD worse!

I think telling op she is unreasonable because she just wants a girl just because of stereotypes pink clothes etc is unfair. As a girl and a woman those experiences go very deep

Thinking positively are there any local organisations you could join that would give you time in the company of girls? Can you help coach a girls sports team (you mentioned being sporty)? Can you volunteer to assist with remedial reading? Do you have any friends whose daughters would appreciate an aunty type figure in their lives?
You can actively help yourself and others this way.

I have two DS (now teens) and although a DD would have been nice, what time has taught me is that for my sons, having a sibling of the same gender has absolutely been the very best outcome.
Be consoled OP, that research shows most men do indeed want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

I like the perception that raising boys is hard when it's honestly not! I get people thinking im some sort of superwoman but they don't realise we are all a bunch of nerdy little homebodies. When one son was briefly footy mad I could have burst with pride at him on the pitch, I'd thought I'd hate all that. It's challenged a lot of my preconceptions.

I'd have liked a girl perhaps but not bothered now.

OP I don't think you're unreasonable. We can't help the way we feel. I hope in time it won't matter as much. I havent read the full thread but your boys may be smaller than mine. There's nothing quite like a hug off your son when he's taller than you. I get tea made and asked how my day was. There's empathy and love. Personalities count over gender.

@LolaSmiles yes yes I agree with what you are saying. But I think that the gender disappointment is a bit of a platonic feeling.
Of course I don’t think my son will like sports and my daughter ballet, my son actually found my tutu and “needs” it for dancing in the house.
It is like a feeling I guess, of an illusion or just a deep inside feeling of men and women.
My brother is so understanding, gentle, listens so well, and other qualities that I can’t honestly pin point. I don’t attribute those to him being a male or not, he is simply the way my brother is.
I am just saying that I believe the OP has a reason to feel the way she does.

Jellycatfox I think you're right on the feeling of an illusion.
It's that reason why I almost think it does more harm than good to pander and reinforce the illusion by validating it beyond a certain point.
For example, most people could get behind expressing an initial "it would have been nice to have X, but I've got Y so that's life and we're happy", but over time dwelling on not having X, why you're incomplete without X, why it's so terrible not to have X etc isn't healthy and I can't help but feel it reinforces the idea that it's totally reasonable to respond in such an irrational way over time.

Oh @Charis1503 I really hope you’re getting the support you need

I've got 3 son's. I always dreamt I would have a girl then a boy. My husband had the snip after number 3 so definitely no chance now. I get how hard it is. My brother in law and girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy and had twin girls. I cried when they announced it. Thought how unfair. I waited 8 years before trying for 3rd and really hoped for a daughter. He's a dear boy and had issues when he was born. My older 2 have been playing Minecraft all over Easter so don't get much bonding with them but it is what it is.

@Charis1503 so sorry to hear about your dd and it’s good to hear you have a support network in place. I hope you continue to get the help you need

I think its great you posted this. No doubt you adore your boys. I think you know its irrational but that doesnt make it any less real. And i totally agree about the gender stereotyping. Which is really insidious and very real. Even when we know its bullshit, it somehow still gets under your skin. I've had irrational jealousy (about other things) and was too ashamed to admit it. Which caused more problems. Really unhealthy. Its obvious you can feel GD without taking away from the love you have. I wonder, as they get older and develop stronger personalities, whether it becomes less and less of a thing?

What shit do you get? I have a girl and two boys and have never had any shit about having boys. Shut that crap down, call them out for their sexism and cut them out - who gives a shit about them and their ridiculous views?

I get what you’re saying OP. I have the same thing. Three lovely boys who, as individuals, are amazing and not a disappointment at all. But the longing for a daughter is there all the same. The feeling that I’ve missed out on something and that I’ll never have a mother daughter bond with a daughter of my own.

I was planning a 4th with the hope of having a daughter but it seems silly to get pregnant right now with covid-19 around and I’m only getting older so maybe it’ll never happen.

I get the odd head tilt from people about having 3 boys and that hurts. And I feel like often mothers of daughters pity mothers of sons (not all, but some do). A lot of this might be in my head. I feel like girls are all perfect and lovely and boys are boisterous and loud. I also think three boys causes them to develop a bit of a pack mentality when they are together which is tricky to manage.

I feel like everyone around me is just giving birth to daughter with complete ease and then there is me who hasn’t managed to do that. It’s irritating when people say at least you’re able to have children / be grateful for what you have etc etc. I know I’m lucky to have my boys but it doesn’t me that I’m not allowed to feel sad that I don’t have a daughter.

I’m interested that the OP had counselling, I’d like to try that too to see if it could help me “get over it” and move on.

I just don't get this at all. My son and I have the most wonderful bond he is so sweet and loving and sensitive and thoughtful. I don't get this whole you can't talk to boys thing. My mum always preferred my brother to me and made reference to her life would have been easier with two boys. Research concludes 'mothers prefer sons' I'm surprised by the girl obsession recently. But there again I'm speaking as someone who has a son and a daughter (whom I adore) but I never fantasised over having 'girly' time. Perhaps its because I'm not a girly girl

I still think it would be so much easier if the snide comments stopped. It's hard to call someone out when you have just had a baby and feel at your most vulnerable. My niece recently visited a friend who had just given birth to a daughter. She took along her six month old son. She was very upset when her friend announced her relief at giving birth to a baby of the right sex. A lot of people, particularly other mothers, can be really thoughtless or really cruel depending how you look at it.

She was very upset when her friend announced her relief at giving birth to a baby of the right sex.

Why did it upset her if she was happy with her son?

This debate is very interesting and I definitely do not judge OP or anybody going through gender disappointment.

When I was pregnant I hoped for a girl - I did have a girl, who I adore, but I was thinking recently about why I felt that way. When I boiled it down and was honest with myself, I wanted a girl because I dont get along with the men in my family - they're all heavy drinkers, quite selfish and incredibly stubborn. I guess I worried it's all genetic and if I had a boy I would pass those traits on.
We are going to try for number 2 after corona, and I find myself hoping for another girl, as a sister for DD would be lovely, but that worry about having a son I find difficult is still there.
It really had nothing to do with pink frilly stuff or shopping trips.

Because she was putting the friend and her son down. I would have thought it rude and thoughtless too. People with sons should not dismiss what the op is saying. Just because they dont feel it. The op does and its real to her. In the same way that i get cross with people who question women who arent maternal and dont want kids. As though they arent thinking right. And say, oh you will change tour mind when you have them. You have no idea what your missing. Blah blah offensive crap. (I have tokids by the way. Both very much wanted. But we are all fifferent and entitled to be so without the mafia telling us theres something wrong with our feelings).

Sorry, typos!

Sorry. Not suggesting anyone here is remotely mafiosi like. Just the general way some people dismiss others very real feelings. And i agree that people need to be careful and sensitive. Christ, i would be mortified and ashamed if anyone felt i was lording the sex of my kids/ dismissing others. But that smacks of someone mean spirited and smug anyway

@Wolfgirrl ..so much of what you said rings true for me. I grew up in a biggish family and all were boys aside from my DM and I. I despised my stepfather (violent alcoholic) and my own father was also a violent alcoholic and abandoned me, never saw him after age of 12, he just left his horrible legacy. I had and still have MASSIVE trust issues because of the men in my family.

When I started thinking about my own children, I was convinced I'd have never have girls. I desperately wanted a daughter and was elated and gobsmacked when DD1 was born. Absolutely gobsmacked!

We went onto have 2 more DD. I literally have no control of how I felt and the relief I had to have at least one daughter, I can't explain it other than what I have already mentioned. I feel bad for DH however that he won't have a son and I do have moments when I think it'd be nice to have a son too but I have never pined for one. I do think of my MIL sometimes and feel sorry for her as she had 4 boys and pined for a daughter. She isn't close to any of her sons unfortunately ☹️.

GD Is a thing and I totally and utterly understand OP. I honestly would feel so sad if I'd not had a girl. Sorry, just being brutally honest and it is likely due to my history and my massive bond with my wonderful mum after everything we've been through

i have two of each. there’s ten months between my first two and i used to get loads of comments about that.

i never really had a preference for gender just wanted a family.

there’s no guarantee that you would have had a good relationship with a daughter.

I totally get everything you are saying!
I have the jealousy thing it's ridiculous, and at times I actually think quite unhealthy and worry I'm not normal 🙈 Is there anyway you can private message me on here?

I don't judge you OP, at all but I cannot and don't think I ever will understand how people can be disappointed by the sex of their child. My husband and I have been trying for 6 years, miscarriages now in double figures and I'd give my right arm for a healthy baby. Just one. Sometimes I think a bit of perspective can get rid of any negative thoughts.

@canyouseethesea

Im really sorry to hear your journey. Im not sure if you have read my post from a few days ago (on this thread). Ive suffered a loss too and know where you are coming from.

I think you are focusing on the disappointment being because its a boy' but this isnt necessarily the case. I have a wonderful little boy who i adore, irrespective of his sex. I have no issue with him having a willy, loving digger trucks and generally being a very boys boy.

Its not always a case that the mother hates boys and should be viewed as ungrateful for being sad they will never have a daughter.

Sometimes its about grieving for something you are not going to have. By no means the same as not being able to have kids...but ultimatly you are sad you will not have a son or daughter or the family you dreampt and wished for ... others feel this too.. even if they have a child.

What im trying to say is that the term 'gender disapointment' is always viewed that the mother is disapointed in the child she is carrying and is ungrateful. When its more often the case they are disapointed that they will never experience having the sex they hoped for.

Its a subtle but significent difference and i hope i have helped explain it a bit better x

I can understand wanting a girl after 3 boys, its a natural reaction felt by many i’m sure. I have one boy conceived after 10 years of ivf and whilst i’d have loved another child sadly it wasnt possible. But i’m thrilled every day of my life to be a mum at all. I think time will help but you have to be glad for what you have (3 healthy children you are blessed), rather than what you dont. I know people who tried for years to have children and couldnt. I know its a simplistic view. Hopefully in time you’ll have daughters in law to form bonds with.