Gender disappointment

[mumofboystimesthree]

I have 3 boys and have always been desperate for a girl. I love my boys to absolute pieces and don't want a girl instead of them, it's as well as. Being on lockdown in a house full of boys & DH has made me feel worse as I'm missing girly time with my mum/friends etc... This year and last everyone under the sun has had a girl. My sister just gave birth to a girl after 2 boys & my best friend is expecting one. This has made me feel down even more and jealous, which is an awful thing to admit. For those that want to troll me or say nasty things, gender disappointment is a real thing.
I always wanted a daughter as I grew up with all girls. My parents were divorced & I didn't see my dad so it was my mum and 2 sisters I was close too. My grandad died before I was born so I only had my Granny & aunties growing up. Literally no men and as much as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama) I'm still pining for what I don't have. I tried for a girl with my last DS and did everything you're supposed to but obviously it didn't work (glad of it now!!).
How do you get over GD? I'm not going to have anymore kids as it's not fair to keep going. I also want to give the 3 beautiful boys I have all the love and attention they deserve. I hate feeling sad and jealous when I hear of anyone having a girl, I can't help it and it does affect my relationship as my mood can be up and down. When I think of never having a daughter for the rest of my life I feel incredibly sad. It doesn't help either that having all boys is seen negatively by others. I've lost count of the horrible/negative/sympathetic comments I've had from strangers & family about my all boy brood. That's definitely made my GD worse!

I have all boys too! 🤣

Stereotypical nasty, bitchy women.

Because they don't agree with you?

I really sympathise OP. If it's any consolation, there are lots of positives to a single gender: I think they grow up less conscious of their gender and more accepting of women. With mixed gender siblings any unconscious bias of the parents becomes very ingrained, eg. Girls all do this because my sister does this, therefore any girl who is different is wrong. I had a girl as third DC and although happy about it at the time, I find it really difficult to treat them all the same, and I hate myself for all the dumb shit I promised I wouldn't do, like telling her she's pretty and buying her pink shit!! Honestly I've gone from good feminist to total prat.

I can see the Mum's of girls coming out full force now with their BS😂😂😂God help you're daughters being brought up by you
Stereotypical nasty, bitchy women

I'm a mum of boys.
I find your assertions surrounding boys eg that selective hearing is a typical man thing / no emotional drama etc irritating because you're perpetuating the attitudes you're claiming to dislike others saying to you regarding boys.

This does not make me a stereotypically bitchy woman.

Solidarity OP. Its good to talk.

My first 3 DC were all girls so I’ve heard every comment under the sun “my poor husband” “think of 3 teenage girls” “oh will you keep going until you get a boy” etc.
My own mother told me that DH would leave me if I couldn’t give him a son as all men want sons (that’s a whole other thread). I was shocked with DC4 turned out to be a DS but I love him just like the DDs.

Only one of the DDs is what you would call girly and played with dolls now likes clothes and make up. The other two hate everything girly, their brother always had a ready supply of cars, dinosaurs, tractors etc passed down to him. The four of my DC are all so different that gender doesn’t really come into it.

@mumofboystimesthree

I feel you, I 1000% feel you. I lost my first born a DD 4 years ago and went on to have a wonderful little boy.

I am now pregnant again with another little boy. I found out at 16 weeks.

I am now under the safeguarding team, the perinatal mental health team and a phychiatrist.

My true belief was that one day I would get my little girl back, when I fell pregnant this time i just KNEW this was her.

When i found out it wasnt it sent me over the edge.

Mine is less about gender per say as im not that girly and adore my son. This is about not having the family or children I expected.

Gender disappointment (for whatever reason) is like depression, or greif. Only those who have truly been through it will understand you - everyone else will say pointless, well meaning but often unhelpful stuff like ' oh but im sure he will be gorgeous' or 'you should be lucky you could have kids'

This pregnancy feels so wrong to me, I feel like im carrying someone elses baby inside me. I cant bond with him at all. I am struggling to accept that im having this boy -not MY daughter.

I am slowly starting to seperate this baby boy from the overwhelming sadness I feel that I will never look at my daughter, never hold her hand, never get to talk about her achievements or her life. Never have her tell me she is pregnant. Never come to me for mothering advice. And all the rest. Im not mouring the fact i cant plait her hair or dress her in frilly clothes... im just mourning her.

Im realising that there is nothing you can do to ease gender disapointment. Its a form of greif/heart break. Im hoping that in time the intense pain will lessen and as i get older and pass the stage where friends are announcing they are pregnant.

I have no words to help you but you are not alone xx

The OP has posted on Relationships not AIBU.
Most of us are listening and understanding OP

sweetkitty Tell me about it.
We have an older relative who can be quite bad for saying stupid things like "Ooh DH will be pleased it's a boy", as if he was going to be crying into his cornflakes if it was a girl, or I'd be less happy because it was a boy.

My response on the rare occasions anyone makes stupid comments about boys is to put them on the spot or ask them a question that makes them uncomfortable. The latest is to tell us it will be nice when DS can help daddy in the garden. Do I not deserve any help? Or is it only DH who can do manly gardening? My dainty lady hands couldn't possibly manage to get mud on them? 🙄

That sounds like a really sad and difficult situation Charis1503. I hope you get the support you need.

I will start by addressing this comment before I forget
Your sons will grow up and marry, and you can have a lovely relationship with your daughters in law.
Nope. OP’s sons might marry or not.If they do, they might marry women, or men. They might move abroad or she might not get along with her DILs”

Second, I don’t think it is fair to have a go about the OP, and I mean the original post.
I do believe some people might get true GD.

Imagine you grew up with an abusive dad or brother? Perhaps you would want a daughter or a son for that reason. Maybe you had a sister that you lost when you were young?

I am all pro fighting gender stereotypes. Believe me, if you knew me in real life, I bring the conversation into everything. DH is bored.

I have a boy and a girl.

I personally got along brilliantly with my brother and horribly with my sister so I secretly wanted a boy but I also was happy with a healthy child. I had a boy. Then I didn’t care. I had a girl. I thought well it is the same. Only for me it isn’t. They are very different anyway.

I find it odd that so many people in mumsnet change their tune so often. So you can’t have GD because boys and girls are the same. But then countless threads and comments about how male and females are different. Then others, no, they are the same.

Well. I don’t believe women and men are the same as a biologist and teacher (brain development, psychology and so on)
I do believe men and women deserve the same opportunities and that involved same access to toys, education, same social norms, same salaries, same respect...

But then we all know when it comes to pregnancy, motherhood, we go to threads where we talk about sisterhood and a safe space for women etc.

So let’s make up our mind.

OP loves her boys. She has also explored a feeling of loss/ grieve over a very much wanted daughter.

And people are treating her a bit harshly.

So what are we? Women that support other women? Women that think men and women are the same? Men? What are we?

So the OP needs support in her feelings. I believe she is suffering from this want or need of a daughter and whilst there is nothing I can do to help at least I can say here is a handhold, your feelings are valid and I hope things get easier with time.

Stereotypical nasty, bitchy women.

In all honesty, I think you need to stop giving stereotypes so much headspace.

Perhaps if people thought about how they speak so negatively about boys and how undervalued they are in western society that would be a start.

Really! Girls are not undervalued in society. I get that GD is a thing for you but the idea that girl’s are prized by society is absolute crap. Remember girls grow into women, yeah that feiten group that is treated with such respect.

Jellycatfox
Personally men and women are different, and have very different lived experiences due to sex differences and the socialisation that occurs from birth.

However, to me a baby is a baby and their sex doesn't make them full of drama/ no nonsense / loud and cheeky / compliant and nice / interested in football / want to sit for hours on facetime, nor does their sex mean their relationship with their parents will be a certain way, so any disappointment is based on an idealised and largely stereotypical idea of what that alternative boy/girl would be.

To me, it's damaging for adults to be perpetuating this idea and I find myself wondering if there's a link between gender disappointment about having boys and the number of MIL threads where there's conflict between a woman and her husband's mother.

Tbh, OP, if it's not about the gender stereotypes, I can't see what the problem is

NOWHERE on this thread have I said my children are a disappointment to me - get it right you fool.

Tbf, it's right there in your opening post when you talk about 'gender disappointment' because you havent got a girl.

If it's not about the stereotypes what is it about not having a girl that you are disappointed about?

Because if it's not about the stereotypes and you're not experiencing any disappointment, then your whole thread is pointless.

I really sympathise with you. But just think with 3 sons chances are you will have a granddaughter to love and cherish !!!!

And I know I would have felt exactly the same as you had I not had any girls so people saying you are wrong for simply saying how you feel are wrong

Mums of girls definitely get negative comments. Don't fancy being in your house when they're teenagers. Girls are bitchy. Your poor dh. Oh the drama.
Definitely. Neither of my teenaged dds are drama queens or bitchy and neither are their friends. To listen to some people you'd think all teenaged girls are bitchy drama queens.

I sympathise with you @mumofboystimesthree.
It gets so frustrating when you can’t say how you feel without people getting offended or completely belittling your feelings, or thinking they know best. You would like a girl, why can’t people just accept that? Why does it have to get into the whole ‘gender debate’? You have made it perfectly clear that you love your boys and they are your world. You also made it clear that you would like a little girl too. It’s very simple. Yet you are being attacked! I would ignore those who feel the need to attack you, they obviously have their own ‘gender/sex’ issues which need addressing x

I completely get where you’re coming from. I think especially if you have a close relationship with your own mum it is only natural to want to replicate that. Men and women are generally different and when older daughters tend to have closer relationships with their mums and are better at staying in touch. Obviously there are exceptions but in my experience it’s the case.

With my first I so desperately wanted a girl (but would never admit it) and a huge part of that was my mum died young and I felt that a daughter could be a connection back to her. I had a son who is wonderful and am now pregnant with #2 and actually feel less strongly about having a girl this time (though did try to swing for a girl so maybe I feel more strongly than I care to admit).

I do think it’s a sort of grief for the daughter you’ll never have and I think that’s ok as long as it isn’t affecting your relationship with your sons which it sounds like it isn’t.

For me making sure I make time to do things with your female friends helps. We still have girl trips away/ meet up lots etc so not all trips are about just what the boys in my life enjoy!

Of course it's a real thing, and I would have been so upset if I hadn't had a girl as my second. My first thought about DS (baby 1) was, I really wanted a girl ☹️. Of course I adored him and wouldn't change things, but my DD is really close to me and we love doing things together, especially as she's a older teen now.

I think the best thing is to try to not think about it. You can't change it so why let it bother you? I agree totally about the negative comments around all boy families, so I'd probably reply with, I never wanted girls, they can be such hard work. May shut people up and get them off your back. Really though, it's not worth fretting over.

It pisses me off a bit that anyone should comment on the completely random choice we have of which gender our children are.

Stereotypical nasty, bitchy women

I was sympathetic until this comment.

In all honesty, I think you need to stop giving stereotypes so much headspace

I agree with this. @Showofhands post was excellent ( I say this as a mum of boys around the age of yours).