Gender disappointment

[mumofboystimesthree]

I have 3 boys and have always been desperate for a girl. I love my boys to absolute pieces and don't want a girl instead of them, it's as well as. Being on lockdown in a house full of boys & DH has made me feel worse as I'm missing girly time with my mum/friends etc... This year and last everyone under the sun has had a girl. My sister just gave birth to a girl after 2 boys & my best friend is expecting one. This has made me feel down even more and jealous, which is an awful thing to admit. For those that want to troll me or say nasty things, gender disappointment is a real thing.
I always wanted a daughter as I grew up with all girls. My parents were divorced & I didn't see my dad so it was my mum and 2 sisters I was close too. My grandad died before I was born so I only had my Granny & aunties growing up. Literally no men and as much as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama) I'm still pining for what I don't have. I tried for a girl with my last DS and did everything you're supposed to but obviously it didn't work (glad of it now!!).
How do you get over GD? I'm not going to have anymore kids as it's not fair to keep going. I also want to give the 3 beautiful boys I have all the love and attention they deserve. I hate feeling sad and jealous when I hear of anyone having a girl, I can't help it and it does affect my relationship as my mood can be up and down. When I think of never having a daughter for the rest of my life I feel incredibly sad. It doesn't help either that having all boys is seen negatively by others. I've lost count of the horrible/negative/sympathetic comments I've had from strangers & family about my all boy brood. That's definitely made my GD worse!

OP theres a website called ingender.com where people discuss their gender disappointment. You might benefit from talking to people on there, you will likely get much more sympathy too, as anyone on there leaving negative/ non supportive comments gets banned. It's soley for people who are compassionate and understanding on this issue.

I have all boys and I cannot count the times people have been negative about it. People are so thoughtless that they’ve made me cry and I don’t even think I have ever had gender disappointment..... although possibly with dc2 as ‘one of each’ had always appealed!
This is unpopular to say but I believe boys get a harder time on mumsnet and also I’ve seen it as a teacher in some school contexts. Some people (definitely not most) have issues with boys and look for the worst in them based upon their own experiences or prejudices- I’ve had colleagues admit this to me in the past. I chose to send mine to boys’ schools and I feel it’s the right decision.

I’ve seen a few virtual teaching thread comments talking about ‘boys doing this’ or ‘boys might do that’. I work in a boys school and it might surprise a couple of people to know ‘boys’ are not all the same! One of mine is very boisterous and some people have commented on his stereotypical ‘boy behaviour’ but my others are introvert and quiet.

I’m sure it’s tough being a mum of girls as well but as op said this isn’t what this thread is about

I understand a lot. About being a person who really bonds with women. I really have no intimacy with guys other than DH. That's not to say I don't have male friends at work, but I don't connect on the same level at all. It's just how you communicate.

I had a DS first and was quite nervous since I had no brothers, went to an all girls school, and really didn't know any little boys growing up. I worried we'd have no connection. I worried he'd get bored of me pretty quickly.

Thankfully he has always been a snuggle bug so that put a lot of my worries to rest. Then I got pregnant again and told myself that I was totally cool with having more boys now and it'd be awesome for DS to have a brother so close in age.

But I was an older mum and this had to be my last. So I knew going into the scan that I may never have a daughter. When she told me it was a girl I embarrassingly burst into tears. Cringe.

I imagine that if I'd have two boys, there would always be a piece of me that longed for a daughter. Or maybe just never got over my curiosity about what a daughter would be like.

That said, now that I have one of each, I can absolutely confirm that boys are easier. It will be interesting to see how it develops as they get older as my son adores me and is still a snuggle bug.

I do think that ones husband makes a difference. DH is very emotionally available and often it's kinda like talking to a woman (which is probably why I Iove being around him), so our son is not very rambunctious either. There's no wrestling or football really as DH isn't into that stuff. So even if I had another son I suspect it wouldnt feel overwhelmingly testosteroney in this house . So perhaps your DH is an element here, as he skews the boys towards his personality and you feel left out.

I've 2 boys and like you and always wanted a girl from a young age. After 2 boys, whom I wouldn't be without (DS, 8 and 4) we tried again hoping for a girl. After 3 miscarriages we finally gave up (time was against us plus financial changes) and as tough as it was once I eventually came to terms with it, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm now much happier and can't believe I was mad enough to even try. Be happy with your beautiful boys, it's ok also to be sad now and again at the prospect of no little girl but don't dwell as we know now life's too short.

You could have a girl and still experience 'gender' disappointment. My mother did. She thought having a girl would be all pony tails, dolls and dresses and I wasn't like that. There's no guarantee a daughter would be 'girly'.

I was a girl. Just not the sort she wanted.

Exactly ItsAlright; the OP doesn’t have gender disappointment, she has gender stereotype disappointment!

Does it help at all to think that you are likely to gain one or more daughters when they find partners (statistically speaking at least one will be heterosexual!)?

Just in that you don't have to spend the 'rest of your life' without daughters. You also have about as good a chance of getting on with them as daughters of your own!

Well it sounds like you are part of the problem OP. You seem to be completely buying into gender stereotyping.

OP your posts are dripping with gender stereotypes! Your DH doesn’t have ‘selective hearing’ at all and you excusing it in this way just perpetuates this kind of crap
This. And saying the sons have inherited it means that the OP and her husband are teaching their boys that it's ok to ignore women / pretend not to head so you don't have to do chores etc.

I don't understand gender disappointment beyond a fleeting "it would have been nice to have a girl/boy, but I'm happy with the children I have".
As adults we can control our own actions and challenge our own assumptions and the OP seems quite set on the idea of DH being a typical man, sons seem to have inherited the male selective hearing thing and so on.
Really their boys need to be taught that they listen, and are empathetic, and that selective hearing isn't a man thing, it's a rude person thing that people excuse in men and boys (just like being loud and boisterous is excused in young boys when in reality it's frequently disruptive). The sooner we stop promoting the idea that "this is how men and boys behave so it would be nice to have a girl", the better.

I knew this would be about having boys and wanting a girl before opening the thread. It’s so disappointing.

I have two boys (won’t be having any more) and two nephews. One of my DSs was born critically ill which has given me a different perspective. Sometimes I do actually think it is important to count your blessings. I couldn’t care less about not having a girl.

I always wanted a daughter. I had 2 boys first and then a girl.
My reaction actually surprised me in that even though i wanted a girl I got massively pissed off by everyone raving about the fact id "finally got my girl" etc etc. Made me feel very defensive about my boys.
Its also not been anything much like how I imagined it to be like. I actually think people are a lot harder on girls if they dont conform to the stereotypes, especially as they get older.
I think its fine to recognise that youd have liked a daughter, but also you need to remember that it was always a fantasy relationship.
My relationship with my eldest son is far closer to the relationship I had/have with my mum than my relationship with ds2 or dd, as much as i love and am devoted to all of them.
I know im speaking from privileged position of having both, but my dd has turned out to be far closer to her dad as they share so many interests and she can be quite hard on me. Its like the fairytale marriage thing that is an unrealistic expectation and i could just as easily break my heart over the fact my daughter may never give me that fantasy mother daughter friemdship I craved, as i probably would if she'd have been a boy, except I cant blame the genitals.
Your boys sound lovely and im sure you are lovely. I think these feelings youre having will pass.

as I love some aspects of having boys (they are so incredibly loving, what you see is what you get, no emotional drama)

You seem to want a girl based on really outdate slightly sexist views around what the difference is between girls and boys. If you’d said ‘having my boys’ and described them that way then fair enough, you’re describing elements of your own children you like. But describing those personality traits as features of boys makes me genuinely wonder what you think ‘girls’ are like in comparison. Emotionally dramatic? Prone to emotional subterfuge?

‘Boys’ and ‘girls’ aren’t just a homogenous lump. It’s the equivalent of saying ‘ohh I’d love to work with all men, no bitchiness and backstabbing!’ based on sexist views of women.

All kids are individuals. Could your problematic views be part of why you’re so hung up on your GD? You think you can’t get from your sons what you might from a daughter? Really examine that. Even if you’d had a girl you could have ended up with one who’s the polar opposite of the stereotypical girl you have in your head.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion as I am to mine. If you're disappointed with the thread or don't like the content (CLUE IS IN THE TITLE!) then scroll on by and have a nice day👏

Could your problematic views be part of why you’re so hung up on your GD?

Definitely. As much as you claim to hate stereotyping OP, you have done it throughout this thread. Other people's views shouldn't make you feel disappointed with the gender of your children, it's your views that are causing that.

So you don't want people to point out that your own attitude is causing you to feel the way you do? I find the whole "gender disappointment" thing a bit childish.

Some of these comments are so repetitive and boring, clearly some of you haven't bothered to read the thread before adding your pointless replies. NOWHERE on this thread have I said my children are a disappointment to me - get it right you fool.

I can see the Mum's of girls coming out full force now with their BS😂😂😂God help you're daughters being brought up by you. Stereotypical nasty, bitchy women.

Getting a bit nasty and defensive because you don’t like some of the replies, eh OP?

Bore off! I know you must be bored during lockdown but go and think of another way to amuse yourself than trolling, it's pathetic🙄

This is just bizarre, frankly. Have you been drinking?

I have all boys .

Newsflash love; comments that you don’t like, don’t equate to trolling. Grow up and stop being so ridiculous.

No one is trolling, just giving their opinion 🤔